of two minds:
holding conflicting opinions about someone or something; being undecided about someone or something
She could barely remember anything from last night.
That was, until she looked into the green eyes of the boy beside her.
Images flashed through Lillian's mind, piercing into the haze of sleep.
Oh, God, what had she done?
"Good morning," Cam murmured. His expression was emotionless, and he looked upon her with something like indifference, despite what had happened last night.
"What-," she began, before shaking her head and pressing her fingers to her temples. "Oh, my God."
Cam said nothing as she began to more vividly remember the previous night: walking up the mountain. Seeing him. Talking. Laughing. Crying. Kissing.
Why had they done that?
Why had they kissed?
Why had they gone further?
At least, she thought with something like detached horror, we didn't go the whole way.
But we went far enough.
"I can see it, you know," Cam said, combing the messy strands of his hair. "The regret. The horror."
"I-," she started again. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.
But it was a bit too late for that.
"I understand," he cut in. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have-I shouldn't have overstepped my bounds." His cool mask slipped, and underneath Lillian caught a flash of twisted pain.
She scrambled to a sitting position on the forest floor. God, they were still in this damned clearing. They had fallen asleep here. "It's not your fault," she said. "I played my part too." Her eyes were drawn to his fingers pulling through his hair, and she was reminded of the way she'd tugged at those strands last night, her head thrown back, moaning-
No. She pushed the thoughts away. That was enough. She didn't need a reminder of her infidelity. She was dating Ash. She had been for over a year. They were in love.
Weren't they?
She remembered talking to him about their relationship when they were a month in. "Are-Are we monogamous?" she'd asked, a flush on her face.
Ash's gaze had cut towards her suddenly as he was tending to the livestock, his eyebrows raised in surprise. "What?"
"Well, I mean, we never determined whether we were exclusive or not-"
"Of course we are." He'd smiled at her. She remembered the way she'd felt under that smile. "If that's okay with you."
She'd smiled and said that she was. And she'd told herself right then that she would never betray that.
God, had she been wrong.
"I'm sorry," Cam said, now. "For my part."
But that was the thing; he wasn't. Lillian could tell by the way his green eyes were sharp and how his jaw was clenched. But she knew he meant what he said next: "I'm sorry that this will hurt Ash."
"I am, too." Lillian was certain that she meant this for the second part. But was she sorry for being with Cam? Even if it was wrong? Even if it was for a single night?
She swallowed, hard, and looked up at the boy before her. God, he was beautiful; she'd always thought he was. He didn't have Kana's rugged good-looks, nor Mikhail's fragile beauty, nor Dirk's charm and cheerfulness. He was just... Cam. He was him. The sharp panes of his collarbone, always visible due to his loose shirt and tie; the vivid bright jade colour of his eyes, like they saw through your very soul; the care and goodwill behind his closed-off, aloof shell.
"Will this change things, between us?" Lillian found herself asking. It was a stupid question. Of course it would.
"No," Cam said, but she knew he was only saying that to spare her feelings.
"I-," she almost choked on her own words. "I'm going to tell Ash. If-If you don't mind."
Cam's eyes had darkened, but he merely shook his head and offered her a tight smile. "It doesn't matter whether I do."
And Lillian fell silent. They looked anywhere but at each other.
The sunlight was bright in the clearing, but they were far enough into the mountain that no one passing by on the main road would be able to see them. Butterflies and other insects danced around, paying them no notice. Birds were singing. Lillian wasn't sure why.
Finally, she looked back towards her friend, and the sight of him sent a pang through her chest. Were they still friends? "Thank you," she said, and began to stand.
"Wait," he said, and rose with her. He took a hand in his, and then the other. Lillian inhaled sharply, gasping at the heat that his touch sent through her. "Can I... Can I kiss you? Just... one last time?"
No, her mind said. Yes, her body snapped back. It wouldn't happen again, anyway. She smiled at him, raised a hand to his cheek, raised herself on her toes, and kissed his mouth softly.
She'd meant it to be chaste, but of course, it wasn't that easy. As she began to draw back (how very much she had wanted to stay), he slid a hand behind her head and waist and pulled her closer, his mouth opening, hers too.
They stood there, and then they stopped.
"I hope Ash doesn't get angry at you." Cam took a step away from her, placing his hat on his head carefully.
"Likewise," she said softly, her heart pounding from the kiss, her thoughts dizzy. And then her heart pounded for a different reason; anxiety and fear and the sense of resentment that she felt towards herself. She didn't want to tell Ash what had happened. She wanted to forget it.
No, that was a lie. She was stronger than that, anyway. Of course she would tell him. She knew what would happen if she didn't.
All lies come to light, eventually.
[[I just had to write something for TToTT. I'm sorry. But it's one of my favourite games~!
It's not a very long chapter. It won't be a one-shot, but I don't know when I'll get another chapter in because I've got two other HM stories I'm working on and I have mock exams this week... I know, weird timing, but that's the way my school is.
Hopefully you guys'll like this? o3o]]