Oh dear oh dear oh dear. This is a bit of an angst overdose. Crying boys ahead.
The song I'm using here is 'I'll Be Seeing You' by Billie Holiday. I strongly suggest you have it playing on a low volume while you read this.
So this is set the night before Kurt leaves for New York. Without Blaine. Pass the tissues. One shot.
I don't own Glee.
I'll be seeing you.
Blaine flicked through the iphone until he found the song he'd been searching for. The familiar opening piano bars drifted through the air, air that was so thick with unsaid things, unshed tears, unbroken hearts. Air that was filled with all the things they hadn't talked about because they hadn't wanted to talk about them, had been avoiding them for so long.
Unlike Finn and Rachel, it so happened, who had approached the topic head on weeks and weeks ago (and had decided they'd stick out long distance and see how things were doing by thanksgiving.) No, Kurt and Blaine had been blissfully enjoying the time they had together by using the tactic of avoidance.
They couldn't avoid it anymore. The time for pretending was over. Kurt was leaving for New York tomorrow, time had quite literally run out.
Blaine turned from the ipod dock and smiled at Kurt. His smile was nothing like how it usually was, it was hopelessly sad, and his eyes were shining with tears he was just stopping from falling, his chest rigid with the effort of all the emotion he was holding in. He stretched his arm out, his hand shaking just slightly.
"May I have this dance?" He asked, a slight twinkle in his eye even amongst all the sadness buried there. Kurt sniffled and smiled weakly from where he sat on the bed.
"You've seen too many romantic comedies, Blaine Anderson." He teased, but it was half hearted and within seconds he was off the bed and walking towards his boyfriend, taking his outstretched hand and leaning into his warm chest.
They began to dance, slightly clumsily, back and forth, hands entwined. Eventually they naturally adjusted so that Kurt's arms were wound around Blaine's waist, and Blaine's were tightly knotted around Kurt's neck.
I'll be seeing you...in every lovely summer's day...in that small cafe.
It was amazing how long they'd managed to avoid this conversation. Maybe they should have talked about it sooner, but the school year picked up, Kurt got accepted into NYADA, then there was nationals, then there was graduation (for Kurt at least), and then the wonderful weeks of summer they had shared together...and then Kurt was leaving.
Leaving Blaine. Tomorrow.
Blaine swallowed a lump in his throat and laid his head on Kurt's chest. They stayed that way until the song drew to a gentle close and began to repeat on a loop. Then Blaine removed his head and pulled away a little, still keeping Kurt's hands in his.
"We have to talk about it now, don't we?" Kurt whispered, his jaw tight. Blaine nodded and tried to force the tears back. It was barely working, his eyes were stinging and his chest was heaving but he needed to say what he was about to say without crying, because he was scared if he started to sob he'd never stop, and the words he desperately needed to get out might never come.
He could cry tonight. And the night after that. And the night after that.
"K-Kurt..." His voice stuttered on the word, the name that was as familiar to him as his own. "You got into NYADA and I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it. New York...it's where you belong. And I want you to experience it in the most wonderful way you possibly can. Which is why..." He took a breath so deep he shuddered. "We can't be together while you're away."
"What?" Kurt's voice was hoarse and high and it broke Blaine's heart. "No...No...No...Blaine this is n-not what we planned!"
"We didn't plan anything, Kurt." Blaine replied gently, dropping his boyfriend's hands and running one through his gel free hair. "We avoided. We avoided because we love each other so much we couldn't bear the thought of being apart. But we're going to be apart. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you're going because it's so amazing for you...but we are going to be separated by thousands of miles from tomorrow." Though Blaine had been thinking about this for a long time, the words said out loud felt like a smack in the face. For the past two years he'd been so used to spending so much time with Kurt, only more so when he transferred to McKinley and they began to spend almost every day together.
Blaine thought about going to the Lima Bean and just ordering one coffee, he thought about walking into the choir room and not seeing the boy with the sparkling grey eyes and the perfect hair. He thought about never seeing Kurt leaning against his locker. He thought about all the things he'd grown used to over the past year, had taken for granted, and he felt almost sick with loneliness and dread.
"I just thought...we can go long distance?" Kurt replied, tears beginning to rain down his cheeks, tears Blaine knew he'd been holding back for weeks.
"You can't have that hanging over your head during your first year of college, baby. I want you to have a wonderful time. I want you to experience things. I don't want you to miss me so much you get depressed and don't enjoy the amazing city under your nose. I don't want you to resent being in a seemingly one sided relationship and cop off with the first guy you see." Blaine's voice was stuttering because every word felt like it was shattering his hart, but he knew what he was doing was right. For both of them. Kurt deserved more than to be stuck in relationship limbo when he should be focusing on college and his classes and new friends and experiences.
"I would never..." Kurt began, but Blaine interrupted him.
"You never know. I'm not accusing you of ever being that cruel to me, but you'd...you'd be so lonely, always feeling like you couldn't go out with your new friends because you had to stay home and skype me or whatever..." Blaine sniffed as tears began to dribble down his own face, his facade finally cracking.
"I...Blaine..." the word. His name sounded like a beg, a plead, a hope, all at the same time. But he was begging for something that Blaine just couldn't give him. Blaine couldn't magic himself into a senior, as much as he might want to. He couldn't change the fact that because of the three months he'd spent in hospital after the boot of the boy at the Sadie Hawkins dance sent one of his ribs through his lung he'd had to repeat a year of school when he got to Dalton because it put him so far behind.
He picked up one of Kurt's hands in his and held it to the left side of his chest, a mirror image of what he'd done all those months ago in the McKinley auditorium, so that Kurt could feel his racing heart. A mangled, shattered, cracked heart, but still beating. "You know I'm right, deep down. You don't want to admit it, but I'm right. This doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. I do, Kurt. God, I love you so much. This is killing me. It's because I love you. I love you and I know you. I know how miserable you get."
"I'll be miserable without you regardless." Kurt replied, pulling Blaine closer and kissing him, trying to make the kiss more passionate, but Blaine stayed resisting, no matter how much he wanted to. Kurt pulled away a few seconds later, his mouth slightly open, the tears not stopping tracking their way down his flushed cheeks.
"I'll miss you so so much. But we'll...both have the year to...figure things out. I'll be at McKinley hopefully picking up a second national win with Tina and Artie and Rory and a whole bunch of other misfits who won't hold a candle to you guys." Kurt let a ghost of a smile appear on his lips, "and you'll be in New York, discovering yourself. This is a new chapter of your life and you should be excited." Blaine sniffed. "And then...at the end of the year...if we're...if we're meant to be, we WILL find our way back to each other."
They stayed with their hands entwined while the song played on repeat for an indeterminable amount of time, until Blaine began to loosen his grip on Kurt's soft hands. Kurt whimpered a little at the loss of contact, even more so when they unwound completely. Blaine felt like he'd all of a sudden lost his only tether to the earth when he let go, but he took another deep breath and picked up his phone and bag, cutting the music off with a jerk. He walked towards the door and was just about to leave, when he felt Kurt come up behind him and grab his arm.
He twisted around and Kurt placed a sweet, gentle kiss on his lips.
"I love you, Blaine. I- you're probably right. Maybe things will change this year, things will happen, but I believe in my heart," he touched his own chest lightly, "that you and I are meant to be. That one day I'll be married to you, and we might even adopt a baby and have a cat or a dog or a fish or something." He took a deep breath and blinked, letting more tears flow over, as Blaine laughed shakily, rubbing his own eyes. "I just want you to know that I've loved you ever second since the first time I saw you on that staircase at Dalton. And that I'll love you every second until the day they shove me in a box under the ground."
Blaine sighed and reached out to touch Kurt's cheek, thumbing his tears away softly. Then he leaned up and kissed the spot he'd dried.
"I love you too." He smiled, even though he had never felt less like smiling in all his life. All he felt like doing was curling in a ball and crying until it didn't hurt as much as this anymore. "I guess I'll be seeing you, Kurt Hummel."
"I'll be seeing you." Kurt replied hoarsely, clutching his aching, empty chest as he watched Blaine Anderson smile sadly one more time before leaving his room.
I'll be seeing you...in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces.