Chapter 1: The slice of the angel blade
Castiel holds out his angel blade and presses it hard against his left wrist. Wounds inflicted by an angel blade, not only hurt his kind, but take a lot longer to heal. As the blood slowly seeps out, the deeply pained Cas becomes numb to the anguish of his past sins. The destruction of his home is entirely his fault, as every day passes he is finding it harder to cope with the suffering he has caused. Staying behind in Purgatory is not enough to atone what he has done.
" I'm sorry." Castiel mutters to no one. Dean and Sam have not returned from their hunting trip yet, so Cas has time to turn his mental pain into the physical pain that he deserves. Castiel has been self-loathing for centuries, but this is the first time he has had a release like this. He switches the blade to the right and makes a few more cuts.
I don't deserve forgiveness. I annihilated heaven, killed thousands of my brothers and sisters. I am constantly putting Dean in danger. How can that astonishing human still look at me? He must still hate me. I can't be a soldier much longer, it is all too much.
"Sam don't forget to grab the pie!" Dean yells as he slams the door. Hearing this, Castiel quickly puts away his angel blade and pulls down his sleeves. Castiel exits the bathroom and stands behind Dean, who is not aware of his friend's presence. Dean turns around.
"Jesus!" he shouts and jumps back ,"Dammit Cas, don't do that!"
"Sorry Dean." Cas apologizes and takes a step back, that's when Dean notices that his best friend's eyes are red and puffy.
"Have you been crying? Dean's face is now plastered in worry. He has never seen Castiel cry, he didn't even know angels could.
"No." Castiel tries to convince Dean, but Dean can see straight through. Dean does not buy that answer, not one bit.
"That's a load of bullshit, tell me the truth Cas." Dean gives him a stern look.
"Yes, I was crying. Castiel hangs his head and sighs. He feels pathetic and weak. He can't bring himself to look at Dean. Angels are meant to be strong and emotionless, but now he's crumbling. He's failed Heaven, and the Winchesters.
"Why were you crying?" Dean is extremely worried about his best friend, especially after Castiel say he might kill himself upon returning to Heaven. Dean leaned back against the table along the window and pulled out a beer.
"It is not important. Now what have you and your brother been researching? Found any leads?" Cas tries to change the subject, but Dean is having none of that.
"Don't change the subject. And what do you mean it's not important, of course it is!" Dean raises his voice slightly. How could Castiel think so little of himself, his feelings matter. Dean will get to the bottom of this.
"Dean, it doesn't matter-"Dean interrupts him, stepping closer.
"Your feelings do matter and we will discuss them, especially since you admitted to me you are having suicidal thoughts…" Dean stops for a moment to breathe then continues." You're not going to end your own life, right buddy?" Dean feels as if he's going to cry. There's no way in Hell him he is letting Cas take his own life.
"No, Dean I just, miss my heaven, I got slightly emotional that's all I'm fine, really." Cas looks up at his friend's face and smiles weakly. Dean accepts this explanation and offers Cas a beer, which he declines. Before Dean can get Castiel to talk some more about what's going on inside his head, he hears Sam walking through the door with pumpkin pie and some more beer.
"Hey I'm back- oh hey Cas didn't know you stopped by. Why are your eyes all red?" Sam, although not as close with Castiel as Dean is, can still pick up on something being wrong with the angel.
"Bad day, anyway you find any peculiar events that could use your services? You know on your tabloid thing."