The lies we tell ourselves
She found fucking astonishing how quickly she could be dragged back into the same rabbit hole: a.k.a Annalise Harkness, or better yet, Annalise Keating. It didn't matter that twenty years had passed, Annalise would still have the same hold over Eve since they first met in college - and Eve hated that; every single part of it, except the part it mattered: Annalise herself. She hated the way her heart raced when Annalise looked at her, the way her mouth went dry with just the thought of kissing her. She hated how out of control her hands got - itching with desire to touch he - when Annalise was within physical reach of them. Eve hated specially herself for not hating Annalise when she should have; for jumping at every opportunity to see her when the other had made very clear that she was not interested in any idea of getting together. And yet Eve dreamed.
It was enough to make her feel stupid: just driving down that particular street, only a few hours prior promising herself that she wouldn't. She didn't like to feel stupid. And yet, her body continuously took step after step, even though her brain pleaded her to turn around and drive back to New York. This is the last time! - She promised herself like she always did. One of those little white lies she would tell herself just to get through the day, like some kind of junky.
Annalise's door was unlocked like she said it would be, so Eve just pushed through it and strolled down the dark corridor. Light whispers coming from the office led her way.
- This better be good, Annalise. - She stood in the doorframe watching the couple inside. Prepared her Armour - I didn't drive all the way from New York just to catch up. - The "I don't care" façade was bullshit and everybody in that room knew it, but she kept her walls high, and she promised to keep them up for as long as she could.
- This is serious, Eve. We don't have time to...
-We? Who is "we"? I have all the time in the world… apparently.
- Look... - Nate would have started speaking if Eve's raised hand hadn't stopped him. She took the thick file on the desk in front of her and sat on the couch like there was nobody else in the room. - Leave! - She said dismissively without taking her eyes of the file.
- This is not the time to...
- Leave! - She reinforced - I need to confer with my client... - and completed when neither of them moved - Alone!
- We can speak in front of Nate. – But Eve didn't respond. Instead she chose to focus on her reading. It was a very extensive file, but from what she could notice it wasn't enough to get Annalise worried. Not unless there were more to it than they were letting her know.
It took a long few minutes to Annalise convince Nate to go and Eve didn't resist the temptation to tease him - I want you gone, gone... - she mustered in a very bored tone - not outside the office, not eavesdropping from the living room. Just out. - She didn't need to have said that, she knew it, but she did it anyway. It gave her a much needed sense of control over the situation.
By the time Annalise was back she had finished her preliminary reading. The clock on her cell phone marked eleven forty-five P.M. All the driving and psychological challenge to face Annalise had made her exhausted. She yawned, put the file back on the table and adjust herself in a chair to finally confront the other woman. "You didn't need to say that" were the first, and only ,words of Annalise.
- How did you get that? - She ignored Annalise - You shouldn't even have had access to it.
- You know how.
- Your boyfriend. - distaste was clear in her voice.
- This is not about Nate, you don't need to act like... - an involuntary laugh escaped her lips as soon she heard Annalise's words. - He is not the enemy here. You didn't need to throw him out.
- I didn't need to; I wanted to... (...It doesn't change anything.) -Annalise cut through her speech, but Eve was in for the run, now she would go through with it until the end. - I didn't need to; I wanted to - she repeated herself raising her tone over Annalise e stressing the words - Just like I didn't need to be here.
- Is this how you're gonna play it?
- I don't wanna play anymore, Annalise. I've spent the last twenty years playing. So, why don't we cut the crap and go straight to the point.
- This is not about us, it is...
- YOU! It is about you. It's always about you.
- Do you wanna punish me... now?
- I don't wanna punish you. I just want you to tell me: what the hell am I doing here? Why did I get a phone call in the middle of the night to come over on a Wednesday? Like I don't have a life of my own to take care of, or a job to attend to tomorrow morning. Just so I can spend my night traveling back and forth from New York to Philadelphia and read a stupid file that you could have sent me through email or something.
- I wouldn't have called if I didn't need to, you know that.
- I know that - her tone was outraged; she stood up with anger and hurt in her eyes. - You wouldn't be caught dead with me unless your life depended on it.
- This was not what I meant, you know that. - They stood so close now. The itch in her hand had started again, but Eve wouldn't cave - not now. She again promised herself that this time she would be strong, no matter how broken and tired Annalise seemed to be. Tonight they would end this. She was either in or out; no halfway measures, she repeated mentally.
- What I DO know is that: you. Need. Me. Every time you do, I'm here. It's good, it's nice and - I'm an idiot - but it's actually where I want to be... But then you don't need me anymore, and you shut yourself. And up, back to my box, I go, be stored until you need me again.
- Eve...
- No, Annalise. - She was tired, upset and her eyes burned with unshed tears wanting to break free - You've made your decision, commit to it, now.
- What do you want from me? - She screamed back at her even though they were close. God, they were really close. Eve could just feel Annalise. Their skin: buzzing in imminent contact. She could have kissed her, she knew Annalise would have let her. Then they would probably have ended up having sex and, in the morning after, Annalise would have pretended nothing had had happened. So she didn't kissed her, even though she wanted to, but she didn't have the strength to walk away either. It already took all her will to not move further ahead. Their foreheads touching and eyes closed, they were both tired. - What do you want from me? - Annalise repeated in a low whisper. Her breath intoxicated Eve's mind.
- I love you – It was not an answer. She pressed herself closer to the woman she loved. It was not right but the other one welcomed her in her arms. The embrace was like a breath of fresh air after you've been drowning: good and needed, but it also burned. - I love you, but it's time to pull the plug, Annalise.
That seemed to shock the smaller woman; she backed half an inch just to look at her former lover's face. - What do you mean?
- I mean... - she didn't have the strength to repeat it, she didn't want to. Just a little bit more, she pressed herself to say the words that she couldn't. You can do this, she lied to herself, trying really hard to believe it, but it was just too much- please don't make me say it again.
- Did you meet someone?
- No! No one important, either way. And I won't, not until you let me go.
- Bullshit, you know I've never stopped you from dating. Don't blame me for your loneliness.
- I don't. Actually I don't blame you for anything, really. It's pathetic but I blame myself... I blame myself for keeping making me available when I'm not and all the auto sabotage crap I do to myself... And I blame me especially for hanging on to something that is dead. It's been dead for the last thirteen years. Brain dead, in a comma, only breathing through machines... But I still hang on to it. So I need you to, once, think of me and do me a favor. Pull the plug, cut the rope, get us out of the fucking I.C.U. – She said and finally all the stored tears over flowed. Her hands pressed against the face of her lover, trying to hold down to the final moment as trying to contain smoke with bare hands.
She couldn't tell who started the kiss, but she welcomes Annalise's thick plum lips between her thin ones with hunger and possessiveness. It was OK. "This is the last time. You better go out with a bang, have something to remember." - she thought to herself trying to shut down the small voice that said that this was not what she had came in for. But it didn't matter, it never did. Not when Annalise's lips were on hers and her hands threw Eve's hair out of the way giving access to her neck and then slid all the way to small of her back.
The Goosebumps. The thrill. All the things that only Annalise could make her feel. It didn't take long until the inexplicable overheat of their skin friction together made it impossible to keep Eve's trench coat on. Soon the piece of fabric was on the floor and Eve stood straddling over her lover's body on the small couch. Skin. Teeth. Lips. Tongue. All coming together in a tornado. Her smell, her taste, everything in Annalise was highly appealing.
- I love you - Eve repeated over and over again while spreading kisses on her face and neck. Eyelashes, forehead, cheeks, throat, jaw, and all the way back to her mouth deepening the kiss. Her sole intention very clear in her eye's mind: to burn all traces of Annalise from inside her, to spend all her love share in one single night. This is the last time, she promised herself knowing that this was something she wouldn't be able to keep it later. But she wanted to kiss Annalise like she had never kissed her before and like she would never do it again after that night.
- You mean it? - Annalise's movements became less and less assertive, her face slowly twisting from a confused to angry when she echoed herself, this time with more conviction pushing Eve away. - You mean it.
The taller woman went from love drunk to utterly confused in a matter of seconds. Annalise pushed her once again out of her lap and her lover flew on the floor surprised by her violence. She meant it? What was she supposed to have meant it? The last thing she recalled to say was I love you, and, although that would be enough to piss Annalise off, it wouldn't have explained her surprise.
- Why are you so angry?
- Why am I angry?
Well, Annalise wasn't per say angry; she was fulminating. Her posture was rigid and she mastered to give one of her I don't give a fuck looks that would have fooled anyone but Eve. No, Eve knew her better; she knew her completely. Annalise was ready to explode at any minute. Like Emily Dickinson's poem - and at that thought Eve laughed to herself - Annalise was the Vesuvius. She might fool you with her petite size and her cold looks, like a sleeping volcano, but she was passionate woman; dangerous and hot like lava.
- I do love you; it's not really a surprise so stop acting like a damn child and overreacting about it.
- Well, thank you, but you may leave now. - In one swift motion she took the coat out of the floor and threw it in Eve's face. Like a closed case, she turned to leave without further-a-do.
- You're kidding me? - Eve followed her out of her study. - You called me here, you kissed me, and now you dismiss me like that? – Eve purposely ellipse the part where she wanted scream "left me horny as hell" out of her speech - Acting all angry at me like you have the right to be.
- I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE. - She shouted back, composure be damned. Eve always had her ways to get her out of her character. - You come here to play the victim with me? Well… Fuck you! If you wanna leave: just go! Get out! YOU TRAVEL ALL THE WAY HERE JUST TO TELL ME NOT TO CALL YOU AGAIN. GREAT! MESSAGE RECEIVED. NOW, OUT OF MY HOUSE.
- Stop been so melodramatic, Annalise...
- I want you gone, gone. Not just outside my house, simply out - she paraphrased Eve with a dark laughter. Oh! The cynical Annalise - Is that what you wanted me to say? Is this good enough for you? You're free from the mean evil straight hag.
- You don't get to do this with me, Annalise. You don't get to twist my words like that.
- Why not? Huh? 'Cuz (…) we had sex some months ago? Because (…) we kissed? Huh? What? Tell me!
- This means...
- This means nothing. I choose Nate, so if you wanna go, then go. I'm not trapping you here. Don't help me, I don't need you.
- What does that have to do with... - her voice trailed off as comprehension dawned in her eyes. - You were trying to buy me with sex? - Every word was a low whisper of understanding. - Oh my God, Annalise. Really? That's low! Shame on me for not seeing that one coming.
- Oh, now I'm also a prostitute?
- And a cheap one, I might add. You know it won't cost me more than a couple of phone calls and some indictment threats to shut it down this investigation. They have nothing concrete on you. You didn't need to go through so much trouble just for that.
She felt the slap burning in her face before she could actually see it coming and then Annalise was already half way through the stairs running to her room.