Disclaimer: What's this? Emma and Sean aren't having mad hot sex in their den of iniquity while Jay and Manny steal the spotlight with some excellent kissing? Oh, well. I guess this isn't my Degrassi, then. It really belongs to CTV and the writers/creators. I'm just making it better… er… borrowing it.
Spoilers: Thru the first three quarters of Hungry Eyes. 'Cos the only thing more stupid than Damien is Emma and Damien, and I won't write that and haven't seen Degrassi since.
Pairing: Eman, of course. Was there ever really a doubt? There's also some Sean/Manny friendship thrown in for fun.
Rating: Mature, for some language and for having way more fun with the fact that Emma and Sean have slept together than is really warranted (although I think it's just the one comment).
Summary: "We didn't want to break up, but I had to do this and she needs to focus on school right now. It's an ellipsis." "An ellipsis? And what, pray tell, is that?"
A/N: So Max Evans and Liz Parker from the wonderful world of Roswell have stolen my heart and muse. But they gave it back long enough for me to knock this out in about an hour and a half. I only read through twice, so sorry for errors. I hope you enjoy me fixing the weirdness done, once again, to Sean and Emma. And I do plan to finish Collide eventually.
Ellipsis
by TearsofMercury
Basic training, in a word, sucks. So it's not much of a surprise that little things, like the odd pauses written into Emma's e-mails and the near-desperate tinge to her letters, escapes his notice at first.
He's too busy with push-ups and 3-kilometre runs to pay much attention. He's too busy trying to be better (better, and for once just for himself and not anyone else) to think about what would have happened if Emma really was pregnant; and because he doesn't think about it he just assumes she doesn't either.
If she had been, their lives would have been ruined. She's not, and so there's a chance for them, together and apart. But hopefully (eventually) together.
Then Manny starts calling him.
This, too, flies under his radar for awhile. Manny has always been chatty, and for some reason since he came back to Degrassi she's latched onto him as some sort of honorary big brother. It makes sense that after losing one childhood friend permanently she'll want to keep in touch with him. If she occasionally says odd things like "Emma doesn't talk about you much anymore" or "Damien keeps trying to sit next to your girlfriend in MI," he doesn't read too much into it.
Emma loves him. Sean trusts her. End of story.
At least that's what he thought at first. But now Emma hasn't e-mailed in a while, and he's thinking Manny wasn't just trying to make him jealous with all those comments. Now he's thinking that maybe he missed something important.
Training's almost over, and soon he'll be getting stationed somewhere. He should get a chance to visit her before that, though, and he's determined that when he goes home they'll clear this up. If it's her eating disorder (God he hopes not) he'll figure something out with his commanding officer and stick it out until he feels good about leaving her. If it's the pregnancy that wasn't they'll talk about it (because now when they talk they listen too).
And if it's another guy… then he might have to punch someone. But somehow Sean doesn't think that's very likely.
He loves her and only her. She finally, inexplicably, has found some faith in him.
She's not going to screw this up any more than he is.
-
So I'm excited about this spokesmodel stint, she writes. My dress is really cute.
She sends him a picture and he sees red just thinking of all the other guys looking at her, wanting her while she's wearing that.
She may be excited about this, but he's sure as hell not.
It's good to be taking something up again, she writes, and he softens. Even if he's not thrilled with her new job, he gets that she's probably feeling lonely and drifting a little – after JT and the nonexistent baby and him leaving for awhile – and if this is going to make her happy, he can learn to live with it.
He drools every time he catches sight of the print-off of her in that dress, and is eternally grateful to whoever came up with Purple Dragon.
In the end it's not really a big thing. At least she doesn't have the time to send him any more tofu-derived foods. He may eat them faithfully, but they still give him indigestion.
It doesn't even cross his mind that he needs to be worried.
-
Then Manny phones him.
"I just thought you should know," she tells him, "that Emma kissed Damien."
"What?"
"It wasn't even a big thing. Or a thing. She was just doing the whole Purple Dragon endorsement, and they were playing it up for the crowd, and…"
"There was a crowd?" This, somehow, makes it a little better. It seems less clandestine.
He's still looking for the nearest available surface he can dent.
"Well, pretty girls in short dresses. What do you expect? But really, it wasn't a big deal. She's just been complaining a lot lately about how boring she is. And you know, I tried to tell her, she's not boring. She's just Em."
"So you called her boring?" Why would she say that? Why would she give Emma that impression, when she's probably the most creative person he's ever met? (He's lucky enough to know firsthand that this creativity extends to all areas.)
"No! I called her Emma. Jeez, you should be thanking me! I'm totally breaking the best friend code to tell you this." Manny's voice is phone-quality tinny and irritated. "Not that you've listened before when I mentioned that your relationship is on life support."
What the hell is she talking about?
This, like most other conversations with Manny, is giving him a migraine.
"Look, does she want to break up? Is that what you're trying to say?"
There's a long silence. Every muscle in his body is tensed, and the sickening awareness in the pit of his stomach that disappeared last fall after everything with Jay got sorted out has once more come up to play. In his mind he silently pleads for her not to say yes.
"Sean, are you guys even together? You kind of just left after she asked you not to, and you only write her one-line e-mails."
This is about the e-mails? She knows he's busy. She gets that. Or at least he thought she did.
And, "She only asked me not to go when she thought she was pregnant. I still care about her. We're doing the long-distance thing."
"Did you tell her this?" she asks doubtfully.
Sean groans, and swears in frustration. "For fuck's sake, Manny! Of course we talked about it! We didn't want to break up, but I had to do this and she needs to focus on school right now. It's an ellipsis."
"An ellipsis? And what, pray tell, is that?"
"It's… it's…" In his mind he knows exactly what it is; and he pictures the meaning and then thinks of Emma and her tear-filled eyes when he told her he was leaving.
He thinks of telling her this wasn't the end for them, and of her agreeing. Knowing, when he really needed her to, exactly what he meant without so many words to explain it. Just like always.
His throat hurts.
"You should talk to her. I need to go and figure out the new Spirit Squad routine."
Manny hangs up, and the guy in back of him snappishly tells him to move along and give someone else a shot at the phone.
"Go to hell," he mumbles, but his heart's not really in it.
Sean knows himself well enough to know he should be steaming by now; but somehow, he just can't drudge up the energy to be that angry.
-
The following two weeks and the nine-hour train ride to Toronto is more than enough time to fuel his frustration. By the time he stops at the Nelson's front lawn he is livid.
He pounds on the door so hard he bruises his hand. Emma answers, and for a moment the smile that lights her face (and more importantly her eyes) makes him forget what he wants to say.
"Sean! You didn't tell me you were coming back!" She moves to hug him, and he steps back.
For a moment hurt and confusion cloud her face, and he thanks every last deity because Manny can't be right about this and this whole trip was just a happy, unnecessary misunderstanding. Then her features harden. She crosses her arms.
"Manny told you that I've been seeing Damien."
Sean clenches his jaw. Swallows and counts to ten. "So I guess it was a big thing after all," he says, voice low and angry. Combustible rage is radiating off him, just waiting for an excuse to be unleashed.
Emma, like always, shows no concern over this. She's too busy defending herself.
"You can't just go away and expect me not to have a life!"
"I can if you're my girlfriend!" he shouts.
Somehow, that sounded much better in his head.
Her eyebrows rise to impossible heights. She tosses her hair back. "Oh, so now I'm your property? Really, Sean? I have to be okay with you doing something I'm morally opposed to but you get to decide how I conduct myself?"
Any apologies he was ready to issue fly out the window. "To hell with that! You know exactly what this is about, Emma! If you want to date other people then fine, but at least tell me about it first!"
(It's not fine if she wants to date other people.)
(He's not sure either of them knows what this is really about.)
"God, like you'd even care!" she spits out. Tears are running down her face now.
"Why do you think I came back?" he asks, more exasperated than truly angry as he catches sight of her tears. A painful sting invades his own eyes at the realization that, once again, he's making her cry.
"I don't know, Sean. All I know is that you being here isn't permanent. It never is."
It could be the way the light hits her eyes when she says this, or her harsh breathing in the chill outdoor air, but suddenly it starts coming together in his head. "Em--"
"I mean you're just going back to basic training after this, aren't you?"
"I finished basic training," he says quietly. Resignedly he recognizes that under different circumstances, she would have been so proud of him for accomplishing this. The fact that she's opposed to the institution on a whole doesn't change the fact that she's one of the few people (maybe the only one) that's pulling for him.
Emma wilts at this. At her defeated posture and wounded eyes his chest constricts until he can barely breathe for needing to hold her. She drives her point home, trying for defiance but not quite managing it. "So you're going to be stationed somewhere soon. And then we're back to this, with you leaving me. Like everyone else."
"I'm not leaving you, Em. No one is."
"How can you say that? Every time I turn around Snake and my mom are having a relationship crisis! Manny's going to LA for school in the fall and you…"
"And me?" he asks, his voice gentling. They stand stone-still on the front porch, two ships passing each other quietly in the night.
She chooses her words carefully. "As soon as you started looking at your future, trying to make your life better, you shoved me out of the picture. I just – it's like a pattern with people. Like eventually I just start dragging everyone down and they have to get away."
"Emma, I'm doing this for you. For us. Because I know that you're going to go to school and do these amazing things and I – I want you to – but I can't just sit around and let you do that while I rot away in TO. If this is ever going to work we both have to be going after what we want. And part of what I want – most of it – is to be with you."
Her eyes are large and raccooned by running makeup when she looks up at him. "But we're going to change. We're going to be different and we'll want different things--"
"Really? Is that what you really think? That I'm going to want anyone else, anything else but us?" he asks incredulously. "I've been in love with you since I was thirteen."
"That's never stopped you from breaking up with me before," she says acidly.
He feels himself growing angry again, but does his best to tamp it down. The fight is ending, not starting. And if he has to sacrifice his dignity, compromise beyond reason to make this relationship with her work, then he's more than willing. "I can't leave the army yet. But if you really can't get past this, I'll get out as quickly as possible. I'll take some community college courses and then apply to University… something. I just wish that you could see how good this could be for us."
She sinks down to the front step. She wraps her arms around her middle protectively. "I was so happy when I thought I was pregnant. It was stupid and immature and completely unrealistic, but I just thought that you would be here, and we would live together and get jobs and be a family. I want that so badly with you, with or without the baby. But then you were leaving anyway and I got my period and everything just… fell apart."
Sean sits next to her, takes her hand. "No, it didn't. I don't get why you're so afraid I'm going to leave you, Em. Maybe other people have, but I'm not everyone else."
Her eyes are near-tortured as they stare into his. "No, you're not. You're you. And that would just make it a million times worse." She sighs, a trembling hand covering her eyes. "I don't know what happened. But you were gone and all of these insecurities came up and… I'm not dating him. Okay? He knows I have a boyfriend. He was just really nice to me when I felt like I wasn't worthwhile. The kiss was just a stupid Purple Dragon thing."
"He better know you have a boyfriend," he grumbles, resentful of anyone who can be near Emma when he can't. People have taken advantage of her vulnerability before, and his heart clenches at the thought of the same thing happening now.
"I'm sorry."
He grasps her chin in one large, calloused hand, turning her face to his with a care reserved for precious and breakable things. The kiss he gives her, in contradiction, is relentless and hard. He grabs her bottom lip between his teeth, her fingers curling at the skin his new haircut exposes. He kisses out all his own anxieties and frustrations, determination and the last colors of anger fading away until only palpable electricity and love and them is left.
When he pulls away his heart is stuttering frantically. Emma's cheeks are flushed in that way that makes him out-of-his-mind crazy. "This isn't forever," he says harshly.
She exhales shakily. "Just an ellipsis, huh?"
He stares at her, afraid his brimming eyes will overflow if he tries to speak.
Mistaking his silence, she says, "An ellipsis is--"
He cuts her off with another kiss. "I know exactly what it is," he whispers.
An ellipsis is forever.