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He's the All-American golden boy.
Messy black, "I just got out of bed" hair, a build that suggested they really did grow 'em bigger in Kansas, always dreaming of football and the girl that every guy wanted, knowing in his heart that he would be different from the rest if he'd only be given a chance.
He's everything you could ever want.
Good guy, loyal friend; the kind of person you instantly knew you could always count on based only on a glance into his gentle, caring eyes and dimpled smile that could make the coldest heart melt.
He's an angel in disguise. And even if the rest of the world can't see it, I recognize it everyday.
I see it all the time. I see the inward conflict in his eyes, the way he moves. He's a hero. He's destined to become someone greater than he could ever imagine on his own, and no matter how often mom and I tell him, we can tell. We can tell so obviously that he doesn't see what he has, what he can do, as a gift. All he's ever wanted is to be normal. To play football; to get that girl that all the guys want and all the girls want to be.
His kindness.
He rolls off onto you in waves and once he's in your life you can't ever imagine not having someone like him in it.
The way he smiles and hugs me, the constant reassurances.
I'm his rock, I've long realized. His reminder that after everything and no matter what happens to the rest of the world, he has me. I'm his responsibility.
I'm there. Every time he needs me, I'm there. I always will be. I can't not be.
I hate him.
I hate him for not realizing what he has; for not seeing his purpose. I have no purpose. I emit no light. When people see me, I rarely hear anything other a comment about a relation to him.
I hate myself for hating him. For feeling so useless.
For not going with him and fighting the good fight. I'd give anything to be able speed off with him at any hint of danger, to be the one people counted on.
It feels so petty. And I hate being so petty.
He belongs in the light, and I've long remained in the darkness. I've said this to him in a more sharing moment, and he gave me one of his heartwarming smiles and told me that couldn't possibly be true. But I feel it's pull, and the more I see him, the light in him, the more I realize I don't belong here. I bring him down. I bring them all down.
It hurts. I cry.
I just want it to end. I want to belong. I want this feeling to go away. But it won't and I just sink lower and lower, while he's oblivious to it all.
I think it's just me. I knew it had to be.
Then Merrick came to me.
Maybe there's more to darkness than this feeling of hopelessness. Maybe, just maybe, I have a purpose.