BIG OFFICIAL LEGAL DISCLAIMER
The following is intended solely for the amusement of my fellow Dexter geeks. Obviously, I don't own any of these characters, so please let's not all get our knickers in a twist and start speed dialing our lawyers, okay?
TASTES LIKE CHICKEN
In which Our Hero does battle with a cannibal, a nemesis from the past, his Mother-in-Law, assorted relations both living and deceased, and various members of the animal kingdom.
EXT. AL SOLDANO'S APT. - LATE AFTERNOON
Dexter is sitting in his car, watching the entrance of a crappy apartment building.
DEXTER V.O.
Tonight's the night. Actually, it's more like "this afternoon's the afternoon" but that sounds kind of lame. I usually prefer late-night playdates, but Rita's mother is visiting and I have to make an appearance so she can tell me what a horrible person I am. It was kind of complicated fitting this social call into my busy schedule, but my new friend should be worth it. Luckily he lives just around the corner from Rita, so all I had to do was fake a stomachache, skip out of work a couple hours early, and make a quick stop on my way to dinner.
EXT. AL SOLDANO'S FRONT DOOR - FIVE MINUTES LATER
Dexter is picking the lock and letting himself in.
DEXTER V.O. (con't.)
Al Soldano is a gourmet chef suspected in a series of murders in New Orleans. He got off on a lack of evidence, but he's suspected of eating his victims, and even of serving them to his customers. I've met a lot of interesting people in my line of work, but never a cannibal. This is going to be so cool.
INT. – AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT
Dexter is inside, rummaging around. The apartment is messy and decorated with a disturbing amount of Silence of the Lambs memorabilia, including a huge poster and a Hannibal Lecter bobblehead. Dexter flicks the bobblehead with his finger, then shakes his head and moves on. He finds a large stack of gourmet magazines, a well-equipped kitchen complete with professional-quality cookware, and a large, bloody chopping block. He crosses the kitchen to the huge industrial-size refrigerator and opens the freezer. Inside are various cuts of meat, wrapped in butcher paper. Dexter unwraps one. It's part of a human leg. He unwraps another. It's a side of human ribs.
DEXTER V.O.
Looks like someone's planning a barbecue.
Dexter opens the refrigerator. He takes the lid off of a casserole dish, and finds a human liver with side of fava beans.
DEXTER
Now that's original.
Next, he opens a Tupperware container. Inside is what looks like Buffalo wings, but with human fingers instead of chicken.
DEXTER
Ewwwww. That is just gross.
Dexter lifts the lid of a third pot, and finds an entire human head with an apple in its mouth.
DEXTER
Oh, for Christ's sake. That does it, I've seen enough.
Dexter hears someone fumbling with the locks at the front door. He closes the fridge and, crossing the room silently, hides behind the door. The door opens and AL SOLDANO enters. He's an overweight forty-something hipster, with a soul patch and a porkpie hat, kind of like a sleazy version of Angel. Dexter stabs him in the neck with a syringe and he goes down.
INT. AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT
Dexter has set up his kill room – the walls are draped with plastic, and Al Soldano is on the dining room table, secured with plastic wrap. He opens his eyes.
AL SOLDANO
What the fuck?
DEXTER
I was going to ask you the same thing.
AL SOLDANO
Why are you doing this?
DEXTER
Let's just say I'm not a big fan of your culinary habits. I mean, I'm pretty open-minded, but that (he gestures to Al's concoctions, set up like a buffet with the severed head as a centerpiece) is just disgusting. And what the hell is up with this?
Dexter holds up the container of Buffalo Fingers.
AL SOLDANO
It's finger food – get it?
Dexter looks pained.
AL SOLDANO
And look who's getting all judgmental, Mr. Saran Wrap-fetish guy. Besides, you didn't seem to be too disgusted yesterday – what was it, three medianoches and a side of fried bananas? Jesus, where do you and your girlfriend put it all? Are you bulimic or something?
DEXTER
That's my sister . . .
AL SOLDANO
Riiiiiight . . .
DEXTER
. . . and what the hell are you talking about?
AL SOLDANO
Where do you think I work, asshole? If you don't believe me, check the pay stub in my wallet.
Dexter crosses the room, grabs Al's wallet and pulls out a pay stub.
DEXTER
You work at Relampago's?
AL SOLDANO
Yeah, it's a great place to dispose of my leftovers.
As the realization dawns on him:
DEXTER
Ohhhhhhh . . . you have got to be fucking kidding me.
AL SOLDANO
You don't even wanna know what the bananas are fried in . . .
Al starts laughing. Dexter loses his temper, grabs a cleaver and chops off Al's head. It rolls across the floor, through a gap in the plastic, and gets stuck between the stove and the refrigerator. Dexter sighs and shakes his head in disgust.
DEXTER
What the hell is wrong with people?
Just then his phone rings.
DEXTER
Hey, you. Sure, I can pick up some wine. I'll be right over.
Dexter walks over to Al's wine rack and picks up a bottle. He rolls his eyes and puts it back down. It's Chianti.
INT. RITA'S HOUSE – EVENING
Dexter is sitting at the dining room table with ASTOR, CODY and GAIL. Gail has a Jack Russell terrier sitting on her lap. Dexter and the dog are glaring at each other with pure hatred. Dexter's hand is bandaged. RITA is in the kitchen.
RITA
Sorry about your hand, Dexter. I should have warned you about Mr. Dribbles.
DEXTER
(with obviously forced good cheer)
That's okay, I have two of them.
He shoots another dirty look at the dog, who snarls back.
GAIL
(looking pointedly at Dexter)
Dogs are very good judges of character, you know.
Dexter gives her a phony smile.
DEXTER V.O.
In the Middle Ages people believed that witches communicated with Satan through animal familiars. I've never been much for superstition, but I'm starting to think they may have been onto something.
Rita comes in carrying a roast and puts it down in front of Dexter.
RITA
Dinner is served.
Dexter stares at the roast queasily. It reminds him of Al Soldano's freezer.
RITA
Well, hurry up and carve it, already. I'm starving.
Dexter unenthusiastically carves the roast. He cuts everyone a slice and passes it around. They all picks up their forks to eat, except for Gail.
GAIL
Wait, aren't you going to say grace?
DEXTER
(annoyed)
Uh, no?
Rita gives him a dirty look, then folds her hands and starts saying grace. Dexter reluctantly plays along.
DEXTER V.O.
If you actually existed I would take this opportunity to ask you to remove this horrible woman and her demon familiar from my home, but you don't so I won't. But just in case, please don't let me puke during dinner. Amen.
Everyone is eating with relish, except Dexter, who is poking his meat with his fork and looking nauseous.
GAIL
(to Cody and Astor)
So, what are you two doing in school this week?
ASTOR
I'm doing a book report on the Donner Party. They got stuck in the mountains and ran out of food, so they ate each other!
CODY
My class is having a potluck. We're supposed to bring food from different countries, but I drew Scotland so I don't know what to bring.
GAIL
You could bring haggis.
CODY
What's that?
GAIL
It's heart, lungs and liver, boiled in a sheep's stomach.
ASTOR
Ewwwww!!! Gross!
CODY
Neat! I want to make haggis! Can I, mom?
Dexter is not digging the dinner conversation.
RITA
Dexter? What's wrong? Why aren't you eating?
DEXTER
Do we have any tofu?
ASTOR
You mean like hippies eat?
GAIL
Loss of appetite is one of the warning signs of drug abuse, you know. How long did you say you've been sober, Dexter?
DEXTER V.O.
Oh crap, not this again.
DEXTER
I don't know, a year or something?
RITA
(getting pissed)
You don't know your own sobriety date?
DEXTER
My what?
Just then Cody puts a slice of roast over his face.
CODY
Look! Silence of the Lambs!
Astor giggles. The adults are appalled.
RITA
(really pissed)
Dexter! You let the children watch Silence of the Lambs?! What were you thinking?
ASTOR
It's not from Silence of the Lambs, it's from Cable Guy!
RITA
(really, really pissed)
You let them watch the Cable Guy. Dexter, that is not a children's movie.
DEXTER
It's not?
Dexter isn't really paying attention. Cody still has the meat on his face. It's reminding Dexter of Hannibal Lecter, which is reminding him of Al Soldano, which is reminding him that he ate three people-meat sandwiches yesterday.
DEXTER
I'm gonna be sick.
He runs to the bathroom. When he comes out, Rita and Gail are giving him the stinkeye.
RITA
Dexter, what the hell is wrong with you?
GAIL
He's on drugs. Just look at him.
DEXTER
(improvising frantically)
Hey, I just have the flu or something! Masuka caught some weird virus from this Tanzanian hooker when he was on vacation, and he gave it to the whole department,
and . . .
Dexter trails off, realizing his mistake.
RITA
(super-mega-industrial-strength pissed)
WHAT!?!?! YOU JUST BROUGHT SOME CREEPY TROPICAL DISEASE INTO MY HOUSE?!?!
DEXTER
Er . . . . sorry?
GAIL
It's probably the Ebola virus. They have that in Tanzania, you know.
RITA
OUT! And don't come back without a note from the doctor.
Rita shoves Dexter out the door and slams it in his face. He stares at the door in shock for a second, then shrugs his shoulders and walks away.
DEXTER
At least this gives me more time to clean up Mr. Fava-Beans-and-a-nice-Chianti. Jesus, what a poseur.
INT. AL SOLDANO'S APARTMENT, NIGHT.
Dexter is putting the last few pieces of Al Soldano into a hefty bag.
DEXTER
Serves you right, you stupid Hannibal Lecter wannabe . . .
He hears a noise and looks up to see Mr. Dribbles standing next to a ripped-open trash bag.
DEXTER
Who let you in here, you furry little creep? Did the Wicked Witch of Wisconsin send you to spy on me?
Mr. Dribbles picks up one of Al's hands and takes off.
DEXTER
Fuck! Come back here!
Dexter gives chase, but the dog has too much of a head start. Dexter follows him down the stairs and down the alley towards Rita's house.
EXT. RITA'S HOUSE – NIGHT
Rita, Gail, Cody and Astor are all outside looking for Mr. Dribbles. As they stand in the yard calling his name, he runs between Gail's legs and ducks into the house unseen by everyone except Dexter, who is hiding behind a bush. Dexter sees the dog, still carrying Al's hand, run into his doggie crate. As Gail's gaze turns in his direction, Dexter ducks down lower and comes face to face with an angry cat, which arches its back and hisses before taking a swipe at Dexter's eyes. As Dexter tries to grab the cat, it turns and sinks its teeth and all four sets of claws into his hand. He shakes his hand, frantically trying to dislodge the cat without making any noise. He finally flings the cat over the neighbor's fence, where it lands with a crash. Everyone turns in the direction of the noise.
CODY
What was that?
GAIL
Terrorists, probably. Or maybe Dexter and some of his drug addict friends trying to break into your neighbor's house so they can get a fix.
Rita rolls her eyes.
ASTOR
Hey, look, Mr. Dribbles is back!
Everyone goes inside. Dexter is still behind the bush doubled up in pain and cursing under his breath.
DEXTER V.O.
I wonder if Ted Bundy ever had this problem?
INT. RITA'S HOUSE – NIGHT
Everyone has gone to bed. Mr. Dribbles is in his crate, happily gnawing on the hand. Dexter sneaks in and crosses the room to the crate. He squats in front of it. The dog snarls at him. Dexter gives him a "nice doggie" and tries to grab the hand. Mr. Dribbles snaps at him. Dexter curses, then goes to the kitchen and picks up a meat cleaver. He holds it behind his back and squats down again.
DEXTER
Here, Mr. Dribbles. I've got a cookie . . .
GAIL
Don't lie to my dog.
Dexter jumps to his feet and turns around to find Gail standing behind him, giving him the evil eye.
DEXTER
(flustered)
Oh, hi Gail! I was just, uh, looking for my wallet. I must have dropped it at dinner, and I think I saw your dog chewing on it, and . . .
GAIL
For that you need a meat cleaver?
Just then Mr. Dribbles comes out of his crate with the hand in his mouth. Gail sees the hand and opens her mouth to scream. Dexter, in a panic, tries to put his hand over Gail's mouth, which causes the dog to drop Al's hand and clamp his teeth onto Dexter's ankle. Dexter reflexively swipes at Mr. Dribbles with the cleaver, cutting him in two. He looks up to see Gail staring at him in shock. He grins lamely.
DEXTER V.O.
Oops.
GAIL
You . . . you . . . monster!
DEXTER
No, wait! It was an accident! Look, we can take him to the vet, they can put him back together! They can do that stuff now, I saw it on the Discovery Channel (holds up the two pieces of Mr. Dribbles), I'll totally pay for it and everything!
GAIL
Get away from me, you freak. I'm telling Rita. This should finally be enough to convince her to dump you once and for all.
Gail turns toward Rita's room. Dexter is completely out of ideas.
DEXTER
Ah, fuck it.
Dexter brings the cleaver down on Gail's head.
INT. DEXTER'S CAR – NIGHT
Dexter is driving back to his place. He sees a beaten-up car with one of those "Mother-in-Law in Trunk" signs in the window.
DEXTER
At least I'm not the only one.
He turns on the radio. The song "Mother-in-Law" comes on. He looks annoyed and changes the station to some marching music. He smiles.
INT. DEXTER'S APARTMENT
Dexter is standing at the stove, stirring a large pot and whistling "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead." HARRY appears beside him, wearing an apron and chef's hat.
HARRY
You know, you've done a lot of fucked up things, Dexter, but this takes the cake.
DEXTER
Hey, it's not my fault Rita has so many annoying relatives.
HARRY
But cannibalism, Dex? Who do you think you are, Jeffrey Dahmer?
DEXTER
I'm not gonna eat her, I'm going to pin it on Al Soldano. She's going to be his last victim before he mysteriously skips town.
HARRY
That's a retarded plan.
BRIAN
Tell me about it.
Dexter looks up and sees BRIAN and DOAKES sitting at the kitchen counter. Dexter is so startled he screams.
DEXTER
What the hell are you doing here?!
DOAKES
Why, is this a bad time?
BRIAN
It's nice to see you, too, Dexter. Oh, by the way, Lila says "hi."
Doakes and Brian snicker and hi-five each other.
DEXTER
I don't believe this. So you guys are buddies now?
DOAKES
Don't ask me. You the one making this shit up in your head, you crazy fuck.
Brian picks up a VHS tape sitting on the counter shows it to Doakes. They both start giggling.
DOAKES
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?! You watch this shit?
DEXTER
Oh fuck, I was supposed to return that. Rita's gonna kill me.
Brian makes the sound of a cat meowing followed by the crack of a whip, together with accompanying hand gestures. Dexter doesn't take it well.
DEXTER
Oh yeah? Well, remember when I hung you up by your feet and cut your throat? I totally got off on that.
DOAKES
Bullshit! You were crying like a little bitch.
DEXTER
I was . . . I was just trying to be polite! Anyway, how would you know?
DOAKES
Brian told me.
DEXTER
(to Brian)
Oh my god! You are such a dick!
BRIAN and DOAKES
(chanting)
Pus-sy whipped! Pus-sy whipped!
HARRY
Boys! That's enough!
BRIAN
Shut up, Harry, you're not the boss of me.
DEXTER
Yeah, Dad, fuck off.
There is complete silence as Harry, Brian and Doakes stare at Dexter in shock.
BRIAN
(shaking his head disapprovingly)
Wow.
DOAKES
That's cold. Your own father.
DEXTER
(mortified)
Wait . . . I didn't mean . . . I'm sorry . . .
With that all three ghosts burst into jeering laughter and hi-five each other.
HARRY
Ha ha! Suckerrrrrrrrr!!!!
DEXTER
THAT DOES IT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE . . .
He throws a frying pan at Brian
DEXTER
. . . NOW!!!
The frying pan flies across the room and knocks over a lamp. There is dead silence in the apartment. The ghosts are gone. Dexter sighs and turns back to his cooking.
DEXTER
Fucking dead people. What a bunch of assholes.
DOAKES
(in the distance)
I heard that!
Just then the bedroom door opens and DEB and ANTON emerge. Dexter screams again.
DEB
Hey bro. Who are you talking to?
DEXTER
Wha . . . what are you guys doing here?
DEB
Our water was out so we came over to use your shower, and . . .
DEXTER
(suspiciously)
Wait, the water was out at both your places?
DEB
. . . then one thing led to another, and . . .
Anton sees that Dexter is getting irritated and changes the subject.
ANTON
What's cooking?
DEXTER
It's, um . . . haggis?
ANTON
I didn't know you were Jewish!
DEB
It's Scottish, retard.
ANTON reaches for the ladle. Dexter tries to stop him.
DEXTER
NO!
Anton and Deb look at Dexter questioningly.
DEB
Jesus, have a spaz attack why don't you!
DEXTER
It's . . . it's, um, not ready.
Anton takes a taste. Dexter tries to hide his disgust.
ANTON
Needs salt.
Deb and Anton head for the door. Deb punches Dexter in the arm.
DEB
Oh, and you might want to change your sheets, if you know what I mean.
DEXTER
I might want to change my locks, too.
INT. DEXTER'S LABORATORY – DAY
Dexter is sitting at his desk, watching Silence of the Lambs clips on YouTube. His phone rings. It's Rita.
DEXTER
Hey, you.
RITA
Dexter, have you heard from my mother?
DEXTER
Nope. Didn't she say something about leaving really early this morning?
RITA
I don't remember that.
DEXTER
Yeah, you must have been in the kitchen. I think she had to leave because her coven was getting together to boil some newts or something.
RITA
Her what was what?
DEXTER
I may have heard wrong.
RITA
Good enough for me. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for helping Cody with his school potluck. That was so sweet of you.
DEXTER
Huh?
RITA
Sorry for not calling first, but I ran into Deb and she gave me your keys to give back to you, and then she told me that you were making haggis, and anyway I wanted to apologize for last night, so I just let myself in, and there it was, on the stove all ready to go. It was a big hit with the class. The children loved it.
DEXTER
(weakly)
Oh, shit.
RITA
What?
DEXTER
I mean, that's nice. I'm glad they liked it. Happy to help.
Dexter hears Cody burp in the background
CODY
Where's Grandma?