Title: There is no joy in Fanville
Author: Red Head Dudley
Distribution: Please do, just give me credit and it would be nice to drop me a line and let me know you're doing it.
Rating: Not NC-17. Let's say R. Everybody that isn't 13, please hide your eyes.
Copyright: Plagiarize me and I will hunt you down and gut you pig you are. All characters, catchphrases, gimmicks and specific characterizations are owned by the WWE and the people that portray those characters.
on with the show..
"Korben, wake up." I barely heard the voice, probably since I was mostly asleep.
I tried to bring myself back to consciousness. This was a voice I recognized. The thick New York accent could belong to only one man, my favorite muse, Bubba Ray Dudley. Too bad he was waking me up in the middle of the night because I was having a hell of a dream about him.
"Lemme sleep," I pleaded groggily, "I'm dreaming about you." My lips involuntarily formed into a smile.
"Korben" Bubba was insistent. "Wake up."
I opened my eyes and looked at this man standing in front of me. He walked one step to the bed and sat on one edge. I suppose his weight would have sunk the bed in, but of course he wasn't really here, so it didn't. He was dressed in his camo gear and wrestling boots. His BRD hat turned around backwards, just the way I like. So sweet of him to remember
"Korben!" He snapped his fingers in front of my face.
I rubbed my eyes. "What do you want?"
"There's a problem, we think you should come have a look. We need your help."
I yawned deeply, considering what he was saying and running the possibilities through my head. What could possibly be wrong? He read my thoughts. Damn muses.
"I think you should see for yourself. Get dressed." He stood up and I got up after him. I put on my best ass kicking gear, beige cargo shorts, black tank top and combat boots. I tied my hair back and looked in the full length mirror and grinned. I love a good adventure.
"Laura Croft eat your heart out."
"Laura Croft is hot." Bubba piped up from the bed where he was leaning back and propped on one elbow.
"Shut up. And quit reading my mind."
Bubba hopped up and his smile disappeared. I hated to see him upset like this. "Let's go." He held out his hand and I took it.
In an instant we were gone from my bedroom. We were standing on a hill overlooking the greatest city of all, Wrestling Fanville, population unlimited. The Smackdown Hotel was on the ritzy north end of town and Stone Cold University was the premier educational institution. If you leave Wrestling Fanville and travel due west you will find Sports Fanville. Head East and you'll run smack into Trek Fanville. To the south was the melting pot, Music Fanville. And to the North, to the north of everything that was anything, was the Palace. It stood high above everything and was amazingly visible from everywhere. Sometimes I even think I see it from Earth. Bubba grabbed my smaller hand in his bigger one and led me down the path.
"What's going on?" I said as I ran behind him. For a big man Bubba could move fast. Hell for any man he could move fast, and I was having a hard time keeping up.
"You'll see when we get there!" He yelled back at me.
"Well," I caught up with him and grabbed his hand and he spun around. I took a few deep breaths. "At least tell me where we're going."
"The NC-17 district."
I grinned. My favorite place. Bubba's expression was less than happy. I soon found out why.
We walked through town, first through the G district, with their song fics and comedy sketches, and then the PG district, then to the PG 13 district. When we reached the outskirts of the R district I could see the black smoke billowing from the West, right from the NC 17 district.
I looked at Bubba and he looked back at me. I knew this would not be good.
We made our way swiftly through the R district. It wasn't a dangerous place, in fact it was fun, but we had little time to play. Raven hung out here, Tommy Dreamer, Steven Richards. The usual crowd. I nodded to each of them and winked at Tazz, another muse who visits me often. He didn't look very happy either and his forlorn stare was in the general direction of the place where I'd placed him in so many grand situations.
When we reached the outskirts of the district I almost fell to my knees and cried. The whole district was destroyed, bombed into complete oblivion. The condom shops, the sex toy shops, the porno video rental place, everything.
"Damn them!" I screamed. I turned to Bubba and my voice turned from despair to rage in a second. "Who did this," I sneered. I balled my fists at my sides until my knuckles went white. I planned to enact revenge on the perpetrators, and plenty of it. Somebody, I vowed, somebody was going to pay.
Bubba didn't answer, but moved into the district. It was then I noticed that it was not completely destroyed. One place remained. It was the Hopeful Pleasures Café, where every desert was an aphrodisiac and after sex smokes were always welcome. We walked towards that and I could see that the lights were on inside. We pushed the door open and the group looked up expectantly.
"Korben," they practically gushed, "we're so glad you're here!"
I nodded and walked up to the bar and took a seat. I spun around to face the crowd gathered there. "What happened?"
"Korben," Trish Stratus spoke up. "Before we start, can I get you anything to eat or drink?"
I smiled. "I better not Trish, I have work to do." She sat back down.
The Undertaker got up from his seat near the back and thundered to the front of the group. "I'll tell ya what happened," he said, taking off his shades and placing them in the front of his shirt. "Fanfiction.net happened."
The group grumbled their agreement.
The Undertaker continued. "Those people, whoever they are" he waved in the general northern direction and we all knew who he meant, "Those people are so uptight that they bombed us straight into oblivion!"
"Nobody could bomb me straight!" Jeff yelled from the back. Everybody laughed nervously.
"Okay, okay," I said, trying to get control. "I think I can help. I have a plan. I'm going to need the help of Bubba, Trish, The Undertaker and Kane."
I told the group my plan and we packed what we would need from the ruble of our once great district and headed North.
Before too long (time is a funny thing in Fanville, traveling neither fast nor slow, always moving but never seeming to), we reached the Palace. The gates were marked fanfiction.net. They were locked tight and there was a metal box on a pole with a red button on it. I reached out and pressed the button. A recorded voice came through the metal box. "If you need assistance please contact us via email at "
I didn't even see Kane going for the box. I heard a "Arrrgggg!" and then the box was torn from it's post and flung into the ditch. The Undertaker slapped his younger brother on the back. Well done, Kane. "Well, let's get in." I stepped aside with Trish and let the men go to work. In no time they had the gate ripped from it's hinges. We walked up to the front door and let ourselves in.
The palace was grand, covered in gold and ivory and marble, with high vaulted ceilings. Everything was perfectly in place and perfectly clean. The air smelled filtered. We heard a strangled cry from the other room and a woman came running in.
"What are you doing in here! Get out get out you dirty people!" She was about forty and perfectly clean. Her white shirt didn't have a wrinkle and her long black skirt was perfectly pressed. Her hair, tied up in a bun, was perfectly in place.
"Why did you destory our district?!" The Undertaker demanded, bearing down on the woman.
"Oh you must be the heathens from Wrestling Fanville district NC 17. You people were up to no good down there and we had complaints! I had to get rid of you, once and for all." She placed her hands on her hips and tapped her foot.
"You can never get rid of us," Kane said.
"Oh and why not?" She demanded.
I knew my cue when I heard it so I hit the play button on the boom box I was carrying. "You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel"
I bopped my head to the beat as my team of sex fiends went to work, turning this prim and proper lady into a wild woman. First they
[scene deleted to adhere to rating rules and regulations. Thank you.]
Bubba walked me back to my room and I undressed and got into bed. He lay down beside me and placed his face close to mine. He planted a kiss on the tip of my nose. He was eager to get back, I knew.
"Yeah, I am." He said.
"Quit reading my" I fell asleep and returned to my dream. Bubba, get
the tables.
THE END
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