By Cyberwulf
Rated 15s (R) for innuendo, and just to be safe
Summary: How DID Giles get his nickname?
Spoilers: General season 4.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon.
" I wonder how Giles got his nickname?"
The others turned and looked at Willow. She shifted uncomfortably under their collective gaze.
" I mean, I was just thinking about it yesterday, y'know, and wondering, well, 'Why Ripper? Where'd it come from?'" she explained.
Buffy grew thoughtful. " That's a good question," she mused. She grimaced suddenly. "Well, I know what my mom thought . . ."
Perched on the arm of Xander's chair, Anya frowned in concentration, then brightened suddenly.
" Maybe it's because he has a really big –"
" I kinda already covered that, Anya," Buffy interrupted loudly, cutting the former demon off.
Anya frowned. " No you didn't!" she protested. " You just made a weird face and said you knew what your mother thought. You never even mentioned the possibility of Giles having a huge –"
" We get it, Ahn," Xander said quickly. " Really. Fighting mental breakdown, but we get it."
Anya scowled, but kept quiet.
" I think she might be right," Spike declared from where he was lounging on the windowsill. " You ever seen Rupert's knickers?" He said the next words slowly, savouring the gang's discomfort. " Very loose, very low-cut. Lotsa room in 'em."
Xander grimaced and put down his chips.
" That doesn't mean anything!" Buffy protested, blushing. " You know how shy Giles is!" She turned her back on Spike. " He's probably called 'Ripper' because he's good with knives."
" Or maybe he's, y'know, into that whole 'Who was Jack the Ripper' mystery," Willow remarked. " If he went on and on about it a lot, people would probably start calling him 'Ripper'."
" Maybe they hauled him in a few times over that Yorkshire Ripper thing," Spike suggested. The gang looked at him. Spike shrugged. " Well, the bloke who actually did it got interviewed so many times before they nabbed 'im, all HIS mates started calling him 'Ripper'."
" I bet I know what it is," Xander declared. " I bet he ripped his pants in first grade showing off to a bunch of girls." He brandished a Dorito at them. " Trust me, that kinda thing can haunt a guy all the way through middle school."
" Y'know, Giles told me once he played rugby in prep. school," Buffy remarked. "What if he ripped another player's shirt off during a really vicious game?"
" Or," Anya suggested, " he rips off women's underw-"
" Or maybe he once ripped out a lock of Ethan's hair," Xander interrupted loudly. Anya glared at her boyfriend and snatched his Doritos.
" Well, Giles mumbles a lot," Willow said. " He might've mumbled when he introduced himself to Ethan and the others, they thought he said 'Ripper' and it stuck."
" Maybe he farts in bed," Spike suggested from the windowsill. " Really loudly."
" Ew, Spike!" Buffy groaned in disgust.
" That is sooo like a guy," Willow grimaced.
" Hey!" Xander said indignantly.
" Look, seriously, here's the most likely explanation," Spike declared, rolling off the sill and wandering over to the couch. " No-one's gonna take a street thug, juvenile delinquent or budding warlock seriously if he's called 'Rupert', now, are they?" He flopped down between Willow and Buffy. " And let's face it, what else can you get from 'Rupert' that's cool, clever, hard, sexy and glamorous, apart from 'Ripper'?"
" I guess you're right," Willow said sadly. " And it beats being called 'Rupert the Bear'." She sighed. " I was just kinda hoping there was some cool reason for Giles being 'Ripper', that's all."
The subject of the discussion came downstairs and into the lounge.
" You all look very pensive," Giles remarked.
" Nothing!" Xander said quickly. " We weren't doing anything!" Anya stared openly at Giles' crotch. " Let's get on with the research!" Xander declared loudly, hoping to distract her. He grabbed a book and opened it. " Say, Ahn, look at this!"
Giles stared at Xander in puzzlement, then made his way over to his armchair and sat down. He picked up a bag of chips from the coffee table, and then hesitated. The others watched in puzzlement as he fumbled with the bag, changing his grip on it uncertainly. Finally he grasped both sides of the bag with his fists and pulled sharply.
The foil tore cleanly in half, depositing the contents of the bag in his lap.
" Oh for heaven's sake!" Giles bellowed in frustration. " You'd think after forty years I'd be able to open a bag of crisps without ripping the bloody packet!"
There were several thuds as Scooby jaws hit the floor and bounced.
" What?"
The End
-^)--)~