Title: Back to Good
Author: Kristen
Rating: T (for language)
Summary: They had so many good things between them, so many memories that she wouldn't change for the world and no matter how much she thought about it, no matter how much easier it might be, she couldn't give him up. (NH. 5.02 scene extension)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Title and lyrics courtesy of "Back to Good" by Jonathan Clay. Obviously the lines from the first section are borrowed from the show.
Author's Note: This was inspired by a completely different song and the story took a life of its own and went a different way. Thanks again to Emma J for her encouragement and for taking the time to read this over. And to my ever lovely sister Molly for her support.

Enjoy.

It may take some time before you find that,
Youre back to good again; right where you should have been.

She placed the bottles down on the counter with a bit more force than needed, producing a thud that echoed through the quiet, tension filled air. She turned to look at him, a dark smile on her face as she shook her head in disbelief, her emotions bubbling over as she swiped her hand across the counter, sending the plate and bottles scattering and breaking across the living room.

"Are you going to say anything?" she yelled, watching as he leaned forward, running a ragged hand through his now too long hair. "Or are you just going to sit there like you have for the last four months? You gonna get drunk, maybe pout a little, cry?" she mocked, eyes filled with rage and hurt as he twisted around to face her.

"You don't get it do you? I used to be somebody Haley, do you understand that? Do you understand what that means?" he asked condescendingly, his tone tinged with bitterness and regret. "I used to be Nathan Scott, and I was great. And I should have walked away, okay? I know that, and I didn't do it. And now I'm nothing. And I have nothing." He finished, turning away from her with an exhausted sigh, as if that small rant alone wore him out.

She stood there for a moment, gaping at him, sure that the already broken pieces of her heart had just shattered into a million more. He was nothing? He had nothing? Unshed tears threatened to break her, but she pressed on, not letting him have the final say.

"You have nothing?! You have a beautiful son who is here! I am here!" she exclaimed, eyes wide with disbelief and hurt and she watched him shake his head, not needing to see his face to know that it was twisted in pain and confusion. "You have got to figure out who you're going to be in this Nathan because this version of you does not work for us. I cannot keep living like this, okay? Do you understand what I'm saying? One more night like this Nathan, and you will have nothing!"

She stood there staring at him for a beat longer, able to tell even through her tears that he was listening to her, understanding what she was implying. Choking back a sob, she turned to leave. Moving up the stairs, she checked in on Jamie's sleeping form before crawling into their bed, shoes and all, and letting her tears run freely onto his pillow.

~*~

Rolling over to look at the clock, the bright red numbers notified her that she'd been laying there for nearly four hours since her showdown with Nathan. The tears had finally stopped, her eyes literally sore from crying so long. She was surprised at the silence she was met with; Nathan's anger seemed to rear its ugly the most at night, often turning physical as he'd knock god knows what off of whatever shelf or table was in his reach. Often the banging and crashing would wake Jamie, and he'd pad over to their room and climb into bed, snuggling into her before falling back asleep. But not tonight, tonight she lay alone in bed, listening to the silence.

She replayed their conversation –if it could be called that- over and over, the ache in her heart deepening as she remembered him saying he was nothing. She'd not addressed it at the time, too shocked and too hurt at his brush off of the importance of her and Jamie in his life, but now it was all she could think about. How could he possibly think he was nothing? He'd been her world since she was sixteen, given her everything she never even thought she'd have. He and Jamie were the two best things she had, the two things she treasured and loved most in the world; how could he not know that?

Since his accident, she'd not been able to convey to him that she loved and wanted him no matter what, basketball or no basketball, though it wasn't for lack of trying. She sat by patiently watching as he went through the stages of grief, though once he hit depression and anger he seemed comfortable to stay there, never even attempting to move on to acceptance. And that's where they found themselves now, at this crossroads where she was too tired to make it work and he was too angry to care.

Thinking about the words she'd said to him, the ultimatum she'd given, she cringed; remember how the words left a bad taste in her mouth. She'd been honest, she couldn't continue living like this, so disconnect from the man who was so different than the one she'd married. It wasn't working for them, not for him, not for her and not for Jamie. And she wouldn't put Jamie through that, she refused to. Jamie was what kept her strong in all of this, he was the reason she pushed Nathan like she did, knowing if she was anything less than tough on him, he wouldn't budge. But even still, even having Jamie as some sort of beacon to guide her to do what was best, she couldn't imagine being without Nathan, leaving Nathan.

"Haley?" she heard him, shaken from her thoughts as she turned, completely shocked to see Nathan's slightly hunched form leaning against the doorjamb, crutches shoved haphazardly under his arms.

"Nathan!" she exclaimed, jumping out of bed, her eyes wide with disbelief. "What are you – did you walk up the stairs?"

"More like crawled." He mumbled, hobbling over to the bed before sitting with a tired sigh. "You must have been sleeping pretty good if you didn't hear me stumbling about. Sorry I woke you."

"No, its okay." She acquiesced, watching him with trepidation as he sat at the edge of their bed as he had a million times before, talking to her as if they hadn't been living in silence and anger for the last four months. "I mean, I wasn't sleeping. Just, lost in thought I guess."

"You always did like to let your mind wander." He said softly, looking at her almost shyly as he told her to sit.

Moving towards the bed cautiously, she perched on the edge furthest away from him. "Nathan." She started again, watching the hurt flash in his eyes as he noticed the distance she'd put between them. "What are you doing up here?"

"I wanted to say I'm sorry. And that I was wrong." He answered with a simple shrug, the statement flat, lacking in emotion.

"Oh." She nodded, watching warily as his eyes shot to hers, flaring with anger.

"Oh, that's it? Oh? I say I'm sorry and you say Oh. That was hardly worth the trip up here Haley!" he exclaimed, reaching for his crutches, shooting her a dirty look as she moved them further from his grasp.

"What do you want me to say Nathan? Huh?" she insisted, smirking triumphantly when he gave up on the crutches. "You want me to say its okay? Fine. It's okay Nathan. It's okay that you endangered your life, again. It's okay that you've done nothing but yell and glare at me, your wife, for four months. It's okay that your son, when asked if he knows that his daddy loves him, instead says his Uncle Lucas loves him. There, happy? It's all fine and dandy now."

She sat there watching him, watching her as she fumed with anger. She could not believe he thought a simple 'I'm sorry' would fix this situation, and then turn it on her like she was being unreasonable!

"Haley I-" he started, blue eyes swimming with emotion. "Jamie said that?" he asked quietly, broken.

"Yes." She answered just as quietly, her heart breaking as his face crumbled in guilt. She wanted to tell him it was okay, Jamie knew his daddy loved him, but she refused to absolve him this time, refused to make it easier for him.

"I love him Haley, I do. You know I do." He insisted, looking at her pleadingly, begging her to believe him. "I love that little boy so much."

"I know you do Nathan." She allowed him, not able to argue with that. "But he's four, and he doesn't understand why you're upset all the time, he doesn't understand why you don't play with him, why we don't take him to the park together. He doesn't understand why you're sleeping on the couch instead of in our bed…neither do I for that matter."

"Haley, it took me thirty minutes to get up the fucking stairs! I can't do those things, not like I used to!" he exclaimed, motioning wildly at his legs as if she wasn't aware of the problem.

"Physically Nathan, yeah, that's an issue. But you've been going to physical therapy since you got out of the hospital and they always tell me how well you're doing, how it's a miracle that you can even walk! And then you come home and waste all of that hard work sitting on the couch drowning yourself in alcohol because Jamie and I aren't worth the effort it would take for you to get your ass up!" she fired back.

"That's not true." He swore, shaking his head.

"What's not true? That we're not worth it?" she asked, smiling sadly when he nodded. "Why wouldn't it be? We're nothing right? You're nothing and you have nothing. That's what you said."

"Haley I didn't mean –"

"It doesn't matter what you did or didn't mean Nathan. You said it!" she interrupted. Her voice dwindling down to a mere whisper, tears pooling in her eyes as she looked at him. "How could you say that Nathan?"

"I didn't mean it!" he insisted. "Well, that's not true. I meant it, just not the way it sounded or that you took it."

"Then how did you mean it?" she asked curiously, her voice still laced with hurt.

"I feel like I have nothing to give you, to give Jamie anymore." He answered quietly.

"Nathan Scott, you cannot possibly think that Jamie and I only want you because you can shoot a damn basketball?!"

"No! I just…when I had basketball I felt worthy, you know? I had a job, I had a goal. I could provide for you and Jamie. Jamie could look up to me and you could be proud of me. I had that. And now…" he trailed off, shaking his head in disgust at the person he'd become.

"Now?" she prodded.

"Well now there's not much to look up to or be proud of is there?" he snapped, regret filling him as he took in her tear streaked face.

"You're an idiot Nathan Scott." She said quietly, ignoring his scoff as she moved the tiniest bit closer to him, close enough to take his hands into her own, her eyes staring into his. "Jamie and I love you Nathan. You. Not basketball Nathan, not Seattle Sonic Nathan. Just Nathan. I don't care if you ever bounce a basketball again, I-"

"Dribble." He interrupted, a small, but genuine smile spreading on his face.

"Whatever." She returned with a small smile of her own. "Jamie wants his daddy to just be his daddy again."

"And you? What do you want Hales?" he asked. The way her nickname rolled off his tongue sent chills down her spine. "I know I hurt you. And I know I have a long way to go, and I know I have too much to lose. I need you Haley, God I need you. I need you to stay with me, I've put you through hell and back, I know that, and I'll regret it everyday for the rest of my life, but you can't leave me. Because you're right, if you leave, if I don't have you and Jamie, I will have nothing."

"Nathan," she sighed, staring down at their hands. She'd almost forgotten how much she loved his hands, how they felt in her own, or tracing over her face, or running down her body. They had so many good things between them, so many memories that she wouldn't change for the world and no matter how much she thought about it, no matter how much easier it might be, she couldn't give him up.

"Haley, please." He implored softly, earnestly.

"I meant what I said Nathan. One more night of that shit, and Jamie and I are gone. Maybe not forever, maybe not permanently, but until you get your ass off that couch and help yourself, Jamie and I are of no use to you." She started, cutting him off when he opened his mouth to protest. "I shouldn't tell you that Nathan. I should let you sit here with the idea that if you even think about pulling that crap that Jamie and I are gone forever, without looking back. But I can't lie to you. I can't give up on you, on us, like that. And I won't. But so help me God Nathan if you don't fix this."

"I will, I swear to God I will Haley. I'll do whatever it takes." He insisted seriously, leaning forward to brush his lips to hers, pulling back in shock when she recoiled. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

"It's fine. It's just going to take time Nathan. It's going to take us all time to get back to where we were." She answered, moving to lay down, surprised to see him shift onto the bed and under the covers. She didn't curl into him like she normally would, though she wanted nothing more for him to hold her; instead she laced her fingers between his, giving them a small squeeze when he looked over at her.

"But we will." He swore, bringing her hand to his lips. "We'll get back to good. I promise."

And even though the letting go can be the hardest part,
I think its time you start living like youre loved again.
I dont care where youve been, I wish you'd let me in
And show me how to get you back to good.