"You fucking bitch!"
Olivia had been called a bitch more often then she could count, and most often, she let it roll of her, knowing she had a suspect cornered. But not with this case…this suspect…this fucking day. She was across the room in seconds, looming over the suspect, and she took satisfaction in the way he actually shrank back, a look of surprise and fear on his face. "You're lucky I don't tear your fucking face off…fucking castrate you…for what you did to those women! No one in here would stop me! They would probably give me a goddamn medal for taking another animal off the street! I'd be a fucking hero!" She was screaming in his face, her knuckles white against the table. Her voice was almost a growl…animalistic…and she knew she was out of control. She didn't give a damn. "They'd probably give me a fucking medal…"
"Detective!"
Cragen's voice rang loudly as he burst into the interrogation room. Olivia still loomed over the suspect, itching to take a fist to his face…to knock the chair over and get him on the ground. Take out all of her anger and frustration on someone that most likely deserved every blow she'd deliver.
"Detective!" Cragen said her name again in a tone that let her know he wasn't messing around.
"Liv." Fin said, his voice quiet and calm. He put a hand on her shoulder and she straightened up. She shrugged off his hand and swallowed hard, continuing to stare down at the suspect. For his part, he didn't say a word and didn't change the expression on his face. If he had sneered or smirked, she wasn't certain what she would have done.
"Come on." Fin said.
Olivia looked back at him briefly, seeing an expression of concern on his face and she hated it. She wanted to wipe that look off his face. Off everyone's goddamned face. She was sick of it.
"Detective. My office." Cragen opened the door to the interrogation room and stood to the side, indicating she should go ahead of him.
Olivia saw Rollins standing outside the door, and she knew that she was giving Olivia space before she took her place in interrogation. Olivia stared at her and Rollins looked down at the floor. Olivia felt a pang of guilt…but it passed quickly. She stormed out of interrogation and headed towards her desk. She needed to get the hell out of this squad room. Out of this building. She felt like she was suffocating.
Olivia saw Amaro look up as she stalked up to her desk, but she looked away. She didn't need any questions from him right now. She whipped open her top drawer to grab her purse when she was interrupted by Cragen.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asked. "I think I told you to meet me in my office. And I know you wouldn't disobey a direct order."
Olivia hesitated for a moment, really thinking about it. She was still angry, and she did not want to lose her shit in front of Cragen. The tension was palpable, and she glanced up at Nick, and saw he was watching her with a wary eye. She let out a heavy sigh and dropped her purse back into the drawer. She slammed the drawer shut, knowing it was a childish thing to do, but she couldn't seem to help herself. As she walked towards Cragen's office, she didn't look at him or at Nick, and when she was inside, she sat down in one of the chairs and stared straight ahead, waiting for his speech of disapproval and disappointment.
Cragen cleared his desk and turned to face her, but Olivia kept her focus on a spot behind him. She knew she wouldn't be able to handle whatever expression he wore on his face. It would be compassion or pity or disappointment…but not the anger she craved right now. The anger she could handle.
"Liv." Cragen said quietly. He waited a full minute before he spoke again. "Olivia."
Olivia sighed and slowly shifted her eyes to meet his. She decided to go on the offensive. "You know he raped and murdered those women." She said, her voice still tinged with anger.
"We don't need a confession. We have DNA."
Olivia hated his calm tone.
"I would still like to hear him say it. Tell us why."
"You know there's never a reason you and I can understand, or that will make it alright. It won't bring his victims back or ease their family's pain."
Olivia clenched her jaw because he was absolutely right.
"Do you want to tell me what that was really about in there?"
Olivia looked away, picking imagined lint off her black pants.
To his credit, Cragen didn't wait for an answer. "You're a good cop Olivia. My best detective. Maybe even one of NYPD's best." He waited a beat. "Even without Elliot."
Olivia's head snapped up at the mention of his name…a name that was rarely spoken since the moment he'd walked out the door. Everyone in the squad had avoided mentioning him, even the newbies. There was some unspoken rule, or maybe everyone was afraid of her reaction. It was almost as if he had died…
For all intents and purposes…he had.
"I know that." She snapped.
"Then when are you going to get out of this funk and start doing your job?"
Olivia was happy to have a target for her anger. "How am I not doing my job?" She hadn't missed a day of work…hadn't messed up a case. "Huh?"
Cragen seemingly ignored her question and shifted gears. "Amaro. He's a good cop. He would be a good partner if you let him."
Olivia looked away.
"And Rollins too. They need your guidance…the benefit of your experience. Your leadership. You know damn well that coming into SVU is hard." Cragen's voice was demanding, and Olivia looked back at him. "Remember your first year here? How many times you got too close to a case? How many times you wondered if it was worth it? How you had to learn to deal with the things you saw?" He paused. "Who got you through that?"
Olivia narrowed her eyes, daring him to say his name.
Cragen didn't hesitate. "Your partner. Elliot."
He paused for a moment, but Olivia didn't give him the satisfaction of reacting.
"I'm relying on Fin to take Amanda under his wing and help her ease into this. And I need you to do the same with Nick." He sighed heavily as he sat down in his chair. "Things change. It sucks. And I wish I knew what to say to you, or what to do to make things right, but I can't. This is between you and Elliot." He paused for a moment, letting that sink in. Then he shook his head slightly. "I need you here Olivia. All of you."
"I'm trying." Olivia said, feeling her anger give way to sadness. "I just…" It was too much. Twelve years of working side by side…of knowing all the details of each other's lives…of being completely in tune with each other's thoughts and feelings…and then…
Nothing.
Cragen didn't understand. Couldn't understand.
She couldn't be 100% present…she couldn't be whole…when half of her was missing.
EOEOEOEOEO
Nick stood up when Olivia came flying out of Cragen's office. He walked over to her desk as she stood there, blind-sided by Cragen's demand. Take a week…two if you need it…to decide what you want to do. If your heart is still in SVU. Talk to Huang…talk to someone. But figure it out. When you walk back through that door, you either need to decide to stay, and be the cop I know you can be, or you need to hand in your resignation.
"You okay?" He asked quietly, looking around to make sure others couldn't hear him.
Olivia looked up at Nick, and she felt another stab of guilt. Nick was a nice guy, and a good cop. She knew she hadn't really given him a chance, but it had all felt so temporary in her mind. Even after Cragen had told her that Elliot had turned in his papers, she hadn't been able to wrap her head around the idea of a new partner.
She knew that what she failed to appreciate is that he seemed to understand that all the changes were an adjustment for her, and he'd been patient. More than he should have needed to be. He and Fin and Cragen, and even Rollins. She had just been wrapped up in her own misery.
She stood and placed an arm on his. "I'm fine Nick. I'm…" She shook her head lightly. "I'm going to take some time off." She gave him a small smile. "It's way overdue…" She wanted to tell him that she was going to be a better partner to him when she came back, but she didn't know if she could promise him that.
Nick gave her a big grin, seemingly unphased by her news. "I'm glad. You deserve a vacation." He said. "You work too hard." He walked back over towards his desk. As he turned to sit down, he looked up at her, another big grin on his face. "Do something fun, but don't call me to bail you out." He teased.
Olivia appreciated his attempt to make it seem like everything was normal…that he wasn't reading between the lines.
The moment Nick was back in his chair, Fin wandered over. "The big man tell you to take some time off?" He asked, his voice low and hushed.
Olivia cherished her friendship with Fin. He knew exactly what was going on with her and had let her know that he was there for her without constantly asking her how she was doing or if she was ok. She had needed that comfort, even if she'd never taken him up on it. Fin was the one person in the squad she could be honest with. "Yeah."
"I think that's good Liv. You need some time to figure things out. Get your head back in the game."
"Apparently so."
"Nah, it's not like that. No one thinks you're not doing your job. It's just…" He shrugged. "Your hearts just not in it."
She could feel an unasked question as he hesitated, but to his credit, he didn't ask. He'd already asked her if she'd talked to Elliot enough times and received a negative response. He knew better than to ask again…and he knew it wasn't any of his business.
"If you need to talk Liv, you know you can call me any time. Day or night."
Olivia wanted to reach over and hug him, but she knew he'd hate it. She pressed her lips together and gave him a smile. "Thanks." She patted his arm. "You're a good friend."
Olivia grabbed her purse as he walked away. She took one last look around the squad room, her eyes lighting on Elliot's empty desk for a few seconds, before she pushed her chair in and walked out of SVU.
EOEOEOEO
Olivia tossed and turned in her bed, frustrated with the dreams and thoughts that continued to taunt her and kept her from sleeping through the night. The first month that Elliot had been gone, she'd had nightmares about the day in the squad room…the haunted look in his eyes as he'd knelt by Jenna Fox and looked across the carnage at her. She had spent an extraordinary amount of time calling and leaving messages, texting him, and checking for return messages and missed calls.
There had been none.
Once Cragen had told her that he wasn't coming back, and she'd grown tired of trying to reach him with no success, her thoughts had taken a different turn. She started to examine every part of the past 12 years, torn apart every word, every nuance, trying to decide if everything she'd believed was a fallacy. If everything she thought she'd known about them had been a mistake…had been one-sided… just wishful thinking. An outcome of her need to belong…to have someone that cared about her. The detective in her tried to be objective, telling her that she hadn't misinterpreted…that it wasn't all a lie. And yet…his decision to cut her out of his life had to mean something…had to drive her to a different conclusion.
It was driving her insane. And keeping her up at night.
She tried to distract herself…to move on. She went to the gym and worked out until she could barely move from exhaustion. She went to the gun range, trying to take out her anger and frustration, until her arms ached, and her head pounded. She ran for miles in Central Park, her legs practically giving out as she pushed herself to run harder and faster.
It had been three months since Cragen had given her the news…and she felt like it was yesterday.
Her mind wouldn't leave it alone. It was like a wound that wouldn't heal, and she kept picking at it and picking at it.
Eventually, she would bleed out and maybe then, she'd have some peace.
Olivia slid out of bed, scarcely looking at the clock or noticing the chill in the room. She padded into the kitchen, and opened the cupboard, looking at the bottles of wine lined up inside, right next to a bottle of Scotch. Her fingers itched to take one down…to open it up and drink herself into oblivion. Then, her mind would be at peace.
She could imagine it…slipping off to sleep with no dreams of Elliot. Her mind void of thoughts of him. No more unanswered questions, like what he was doing right now or if he was thinking about her.
Maybe more importantly, drowning the worse of her thoughts.
That he wasn't thinking about her at all.
She lifted her hand and wrapped it around one of the bottles. With a deep breath, she lifted one from the cupboard and felt the heft of it in her hand. Her fingers itched to open it. She could practically feel the alcohol burning a trail down her throat…the warmth blossoming in her stomach…the sweet relief.
Olivia closed her eyes, digging deep.
No. She wasn't going to let those dark thoughts win.
She opened her eyes, and her hand was trembling as she put the bottle back on the shelf. She closed the door with an audible bang and leaned her weight against it with her outstretched arms, as if warding off temptation.
She couldn't go on like this. She was better than this. Stronger than this.
Something had to change. Because if it didn't, she didn't want to think about the alternative.
AN: I have only written one story about 'after'…when Elliot left Olivia. But it was written when he had been gone for quite a while. I find that a lot harder to write, but I thought I'd explore what I think could have happened, if all that time hadn't gone by. I hope I do it justice. Thanks for reading!