Bernie hadn't known there was a word for it. There were so many words to categorise your feelings and thoughts. She wouldn't have felt comfortable throwing out that jargon with Marcus even if she'd known about it then.
The affair she'd had with Alex had been a revelation. Until then, she'd never understood why people would risk everything for something so physical. For the first time in her life she thought she'd found someone she could connect to and in those moments of madness she lost sight of what it would cost her to continue. Now she knew that it wouldn't have worked out beyond their room. But she was forever grateful to Alex for lighting that touch paper and setting her on fire. Because without that, she never would have been brave enough to approach Serena or acknowledge what she felt for her. She never would have understood what carnal desire was like. She'd felt so detached all her life, didn't understand why she liked Marcus and accepted his advances so passively when she never sparked or felt the flare in her belly. He was comforting to cuddle but she couldn't get past anything more than mild affection for him. Did that make her asexual? She hadn't got a clue.
With Alex, that went out of the window. It was frantic and chaotic, snatching moments here and there in cramped spaces, kissing as if their lives depended on it. All that glorious kissing, like she'd been starved of contact and needed to make up for lost time. She loved that the best, winding herself around another body and feeling the sparks fly. The first time Alex had slipped a hand down her trousers she was shocked. Shocked at herself for being so naïve, shocked at the jolt of electricity when skin touched hers. She'd enjoyed it. They'd not managed to do much else and Bernie thought she could live on that alone.
Serena was a whole different game. Serena was the most sensual creature Bernie had ever known. With one-night stands having taught her more than marriage ever had, she'd lost no time in finding out how to tease and tantalise, leaving Bernie the clueless novice once again. Serena had something that none of the others had, imagination. She had patiently reined it in out of consideration for Bernie's shyness but even so she managed to shock and surprise Bernie with her passion and resourcefulness. Kisses in places Bernie hadn't experienced (nobody had touched that scar on her chest before), running her fingers suggestively around her collar at work, caressing her hand under the table, tricking her into a cupboard where they could shut out the world around them. She freely shared her porn preferences, kissing fiercely, firing Bernie up to slide a hand in between Serena's legs to do what she knew best, echoing the pleasure from screen to bed. They loved it but she knew Serena wanted more from her, puzzled as to why Bernie would take the trouble to seduce her and lure her into this wonderful Sapphic setup to stay so reticent.
This thing with Serena had happened so quickly she barely believed how brazen she was being. She felt like a slut having cavorted with Alex one minute and Serena the next. Marcus had made sure that everyone in their circle knew what a fickle creature she'd become. He made her so ashamed, as if her vicious outing on the hospital floor hadn't been terrifying enough. It made it harder to deal with, being seen as subversive when she'd striven for conventionality in her private life. The army career was the most rebellious action to date and now it had been eclipsed by public disgust of what she really was, what she hadn't been able to admit to herself all these years. She argued with herself on how much she really knew. How was it possible not to know?
That nudge in her brain when she sometimes found herself staring at another woman happened more often over the years. Not in the beginning, she'd barely had eyes for Marcus let alone anyone else. But something dormant had stirred and in the last few years when she should have been starting to retire her libido (never strong in the first place), sometimes she stumbled over her words and made herself look like a fool over someone pretty or engaging. Once she'd been caught staring intently and she'd turned away with a fierce blush and never talked to the woman again. She could feel the whispers piercing her back, throwing daggers into her shame.
It never made sense until her senses were awakened with Alex's touch. It was who she was all along. But even then she hid it, not daring to ruin everyone's lives with the truth. After all of that she still had no idea how to be a lesbian. She'd spent so much of her life being indifferent to sexual feeling that when it did hit her, it brought her to her knees with little chance of immediate recovery. All this she could tell Serena, snuggled up with her nose nudged against her neck.
Serena nuzzled her with affection and told her it was never too late. What did she want to be that day? Bernie thought about it. She wanted to be what Serena believed her to be, fearless. So be it whispered that voice in her head.
Sensing her hesitation, Serena investigated the reasoning behind it. Her belief about Bernie not believing herself to be deserving because of how badly she'd screwed everything up was proved correct when Bernie finally admitted to it. The desire to go further in their relationship was being beaten down by the unworthy thoughts in her head. Serena stretched out a hand and captured her attention by way of her chin.
'Do you want to go further with this?'
Bernie's murmur of assent was faint but assured. There was desperation in her eyes that Serena wanted to kiss away. She settled for a gentle tone.
'Well I certainly do, I didn't turn lesbian for nothing, darling. You turned my world upside down and I want to do naughty things with you so let's make that happen together. One step at a time.' The kiss on the tip of her nose was enough to convince Bernie that she could do it.
She'd had resigned herself to staying uncomfortably cramped in her shell but Serena had an energy about her that had coaxed her out of it, a warmth that fed Bernie through her veins and into the depths of her heart. With Serena there was nothing to be listless or remote about, she'd let loose a starburst of emotions in Bernie that made her feel free.
And safe. Safe to express what she wanted. Serena made her feel that her desires could be possible.
It had taken a long time to get there but apparently it was never too late. Not according to Serena.