Because I'm a weirdo and this immediately became headcanon when I first watched The Hobbit. All I could think of was how Fili and Kili were brats and Uncle Thorin needed to spank them. And how he probably did it when they were kids. And probably still does it now.
Warning: Contains spanking.
No slash either. Just parental!Thorin.
After Gandalf hurriedly untied the dwarves that were roasting on the spit over the troll's fire, he set to untying the bagged line of Durin and the company's thief. Thorin rose first and brushed off his coat before moving to untie his sister-sons.
"We will have a discussion shortly so remain nearby," Thorin said ominously to his nephews before leaving them to talk with Gandalf. Fili and Kili exchanged glances.
Bilbo sighed with relief as he wandered over to stare at the stone-turned trolls. He had never thought he would make it out alive. Still, he was glad that they had managed to save the ponies. He had really taken a liking to the beasts.
With a frown, he took in the sight of two very quiet and serious looking young dwarves. This sight was far from the normal bouncing and pleasant attitudes of the energetic brothers. Kili was slowly trodding around the fire to pick up arrows that had spilled all over the place. Fili was wiping his dual swords clean of dirt. They both looked worried.
Bilbo started to move towards the two in order to question them, but Balin intercepted him with a kind smile.
"I wouldn't try, Laddie," the elderly dwarf. Bilbo tilted his head.
"Why are they so down?" he asked. Balin glanced over at the two heirs to Durin.
"They made their own grave and will sleep in it," he said cryptically, "Now, help me tend to the ponies."
Thorin finished his discussion with Gandalf before making his way over to his nephews.
"Follow me, we require some privacy," Thorin said sternly as he tromped up the path that Gandalf had cleared and deemed safe. Fili and Kili followed behind their uncle quietly. They moved for several minutes until they were out of earshot for the camp. Thorin located a small rocky outcropping where enemies could not sneak up behind. Then he turned to the young dwarves.
"I am very disappointed by you two," the elder said seriously, "When I give an order, I expect that it done. That is how a company operates. You need to have complete faith and obedience or things can go horribly awry."
"We couldn't exactly prevent the trolls from taking the ponies," Kili argued. Fili shot him a warning look.
"Maybe not, but you could have spotted the trolls much sooner than you did," Thorin explained calmly, "And I would have been able to handle the situation instead of making some fool plan of sending a wannabe robber hobbit into a troll camp where he'd probably get killed or captured. Where were you two when you should have been watching the ponies?" He abruptly lost eye contact with his nephews, "Well?"
"We were, ahem, hunting after a flock of turkeys," Fili muttered under his breath. Thorin rubbed his forehead and dragged his hand down across his face.
"This type of behavior is unacceptable and childish," their leader scolded quietly, which was as bad as being yelled at, "It needs to be answered sternly. To do that, I will be taking each of you in turn over my knee for a spanking."
"You can't be serious!" Kili protested, leaping back. Fili sighed and shook his head. He had expected as much. His younger brother, however, was staring at his uncle in horror, "That's so derogatory!"
"Not as derogatory as your behavior," Thorin growled right back, "When you two asked me to take you on this adventure, you were made to understand that my orders are to be obeyed. That is how a company works. You are too young yet to have the sense to obey, so I must meet this with something you do understand. You disobeyed and there are consequences."
"Uncle, I am a man and do not plan to subject myself to this childish punishment," Kili protested as he backed up away from the larger man.
"Kili," Fili started to speak, but Thorin shot him a look and the blonde obediently closed his mouth. Stern eyes met with defiant brown ones. However, Kili had no hope of winning.
"If you refuse to accept the consequences, then you declare yourself unwilling to follow orders and become a danger to yourself and to the company. I cannot allow that to happen. If you do not accept this, then you must return to Ered Luin," Thorin said firmly, "However, if you commit to this, I will not allow you to back out of it in the future. As your Uncle." Kili's mouth dropped in shock. He had never dreamed of the strictness of a company. Still, he needed this adventure to make a man of himself. His honor would be forever tarnished if he gave up now.
So, even though the argument was won long before Thorin finished speaking, Kili needed a minute or two to unstick his throat and say the words.
"I commit to this company," Kili said quietly. Thorin nodded and looked to Fili.
"Eldest first," he said calmly, "Remove your coat and weapons," He sat on one of the stone ledges. Fili blushed and removed the bulky layer of clothing before stepping up to his uncle. Thorin pulled the blonde face first over his lap and carefully let Fili's head rest on the coat he had just shed. He tucked his nephew firmly against himself, flipped up the long shirt, and pulled the boy's breeches down to his knees.
Kili froze as his brother's exposed behind came into view. Fili did not protest it but with a little whine, as if he had expected it and still dreaded it. Then Thorin began to swat the boy's white bottom, leaving red handprints all over the smooth skin.
It went on for a long while. During that time, Fili tried to remain stoic, but failed as his bottom grew redder and redder. He began to sob and kick his legs, but his strong uncle held him down and continued.
"Are you going to disobey me again?" Thorin asked quietly, but kept up with his assault on Fili's bum.
"No siiiiiiir!" Fili sobbed, "I'm sorry!" Thorin halted his hand and gently patted the rosy, hot to touch bottom.
"Sorry about what?" Thorin asked, delivering a heavy SWAT to Fili's sore posterior. Fili yelped and sobbed.
"Sorry I didn't watch the ponies close enough and sorry I sent Bilbo in and sorry I almost got the company killed," Fili broke down in repentant sobs. Thorin pulled Fili's breeches up and pulled his nephew up into his arms to comfort him.
"Aye, you're forgiven," Thorin murmured and patted the blonde's back as he sobbed into the heavy coat, soaking in the comfort. After a few minutes, Fili composed himself and stood up to rearm himself even as he sniffed and wiped his eyes. Thorin looked up at Kili. The brunette had been squirming the entire time he had watched his brother get spanked.
"Come here, little cub," Thorin said quietly, an endearment from Kili's childhood, "Do not make me come get you."
Kili hung back nervously for a few seconds before dropping his bow and placing his coat beside his uncle. Thorin stared at him a moment before pulling the youth down over his lap. Kili shifted as he rested his head on his coat and watched Fili rubbing his bottom as he stood watch. His brother gave him a reassuring smile. Kili was not sure it helped reassure him.
His breeches were tugged to his knees and cool air touched his skin. He tensed and closed his eyes in embarrassment. Unwelcome memories of being in this position as a little boy graced Kili's mind.
"It has been quite a while since you were last over my knee, little cub," Thorin said fondly, "And you've grown quite a bit in both height and sass." With that, a hard slap impacted Kili's bottom.
"Ow," he hissed as a rain of equally hard spanks hit his bottom. Thorin was not going easy on him. Kili gritted his teeth against the remarkably pain in his bottom, hoping he could stay quiet. Still, he was soon gasping and kicking his legs. Fili watched with a grimace as his younger brother got his much sterner comeuppance. Granted, he felt bad that he had suggested the turkey hunt, but at least he had the brain not to talk back, protest, or fight with his uncle. Maybe his little brother would learn from this and seek not to repeat it in the future.
Soon, Kili was sobbing heavily as spank after spank impacted his burning flesh. He couldn't control his hand flying back to try covering up, but his uncle simply grabbed it and held it at the small of his back. Kili kept kicking as Thorin kept the same fierce pace and intensity.
"You have grown disobedient and willfully defiant, little cub," Thorin scolded, "Instead of obeying my orders, you are trying to go your own way. In a landscape such as this, you can put yourself in serious danger. Inattentiveness will be your undoing. I will do my best to protect you, but you must listen to me and help me do so. I do not take control because I am a dictator or something. I have experienced much and need to have a cohesive unit. We saw an example of this today. You did not obey, you screwed up, you tried to fix it without me, and you almost got killed. You almost got the company killed."
"I'm soorryyyyyyyyy!" Kili whined out as he tried to wriggle away from the stern hand that kept returning to punish him. He had no idea something so childish could hurt so much. He had taken battle wounds before without so much as batting an eyelid.
"Accepted," Thorin said quietly, but kept spanking, "However, your willful defiance still needs to be answered."
Kili sobbed and kicked harder, so that Thorin swung his leg over to pin Kili's legs. This resulted in Kili's bottom being tilted further up so that the spanks were focused on the tender area where he sat. Kili was thus prevented from covering up or kicking and held completely immobile. He sobbed long and hard over his uncle's knee as all of the defiance was spanked out of him. Fili grimaced for his brother's painful looking behind and silently reaffirmed his commitment to never talk back to his uncle.
"You are growing up and that means you question your leaders," Thorin murmured quietly, "You question their abilities and you don't trust as easily. In some ways, this is a good thing. However, in a mission such as this, I have decades of experience. I can see outcomes that would never show up. I cannot have you willfully defying me on every decision. I need you to trust me like you did when you were little so that I can help you in your own missions. Can you do that?"
"Ah-Aye, Uncl' Thor'n," Kili bawled loudly. Thorin stopped spanking and patted the bright red bottom of his nephew. He had earned a much longer, harder spanking than his brother. Thorin gently pulled up his breeches, prompting a slight escalation in sobs, before scooping his nephew easily into his arms.
Kili wrapped his arms around his uncle's neck and buried his face in the familiar coat to sob out his pain. Thorin sighed and kept rubbing his nephews back with a small smile. He opened up his other arm and gestured for Fili to come into the hug.
"You two are like sons to me," Thorin said gently as Kili's cries tapered off to sniffles, "And I don't want anything to happen to you. If you disobey me again, I will spank you again. I do so because I love you. You will always be forgiven afterward."
When Kili calmed down enough, he stood and fastened his coat on and rearmed himself. He wiped his face on his sleeve and rubbed his bottom a bit. The trio began returning to camp.
When they arrived, the camp had been broken, as per Thorin's instructions, and the ponies were all ready. The dwarves were just filling canteens.
Bilbo noted how red Kili's eyes were and wondered if he had been crying, but immediately dismissed the idea, as dwarves do not cry. However, he was shocked when Dwalin wandered past Kili with a smirk.
"Good thing we have the ponies back. It will make this journey much more comfortable, eh lad?" Dwalin teased.
"Absolutely, Master Dwalin," Kili said with a smile as he swung up on his pony and gently eased onto the saddle. Bilbo frowned. It was almost as if he had been...nah, the idea was silly. These were tough warriors after all.
Ok, back to my other fic now that these boys have had their comeuppance. If you liked it, please tell me so :)