I got a prompt on Tumblr that said "I've really been craving some angst, like Sebastian and Blaine want to be together but because of some unforeseen circumstance, they can't" and I wrote this horrible thing.
Gone
Blaine Anderson didn't do friends with benefits. That kind of relationship was for horny people with commitment issues. He never understood the point of meaningless sex. If you were having sex with someone you didn't care about or even know, what was the point in having sex at all? It turned sex from a human experience to a mere animalistic one. He couldn't fathom being that intimate with a stranger.
Yet somehow he found himself craving the rough touches and hungry kisses that accompanied every encounter he had with him. The boy who was hardly a friend, let alone someone he could let in that much. But he did. At first he was disgusted with himself. Wasn't he supposed to still be in love with his first boyfriend? The first person to make him feel alive and wanted and sexual? The person he was supposed to wait for. But on lonely nights when his hand traveled south, under the tight waistband of sleep shorts, Kurt never appeared in his mind's eye. Neither did Sam, the boy he had a crush on that could never love him. It was him. Always him. Tall and lanky, yet muscular, with wavy brown hair and mysterious green eyes. Eyes he could lose himself in. He thought of sweaty backs, defined collar bones, and strong hands. God those hands. The fingers went on forever. They always felt like heaven as they worked their way inside him, prepping him for what was to come. Blaine's fantasies never got past the fingers. He couldn't last long enough the think of the real show. That was something only reality could give him.
His and Sebastian's odd relationship began not long after the Sadie Hawkins dance. He confronted Sebastian about Sam, Finn's, and his own plan to reveal the Warblers' use of illegal substances to the show choir judges. Blaine thought it fair to warn an old friend. The other boy just chuckled and rolled his eyes. "I had no part in that," he had said while wearing a serious expression. They went on to discover he was telling the truth. Since Sebastian was rarely truly himself around the other boys he could lie well. A simple 'I did it myself' convinced Hunter. "I'm not letting that shit mess up my body," he told Blaine over coffee. Blaine didn't remember asking Sebastian to the shop; maybe Sebastian asked him. Thoughts and events were jumbled in his brain and he was just trying to make some sense of his last semester in high school. Coffee dates with Sebastian became more frequent, though neither of them referred to them as dates. They were both just drinking coffee with a friend who happened to be both gay and immensely attractive. It meant nothing. That's what they told themselves anyway.
The first kiss was quick and wet and was not preceded by a declaration of love. Blaine didn't remember where they were. Perhaps it was in Sebastian's dorm or maybe his car outside a movie theater. Life was moving in a blur and he didn't realize when exactly he stopped thinking about Kurt and watching Sam's every move, hoping his friend would look his way. He didn't think about what was happening; it just happened, which was both relieving and terrifying at the same time. The first time they went farther than kissing was in Blaine's room, he remembered that. Hands traveled south and breathy moans escaped half opened mouths, desperately trying to stay quiet while the Andersons entertained guests downstairs. Sebastian later left with a grin and the two never discussed what they were doing. They just did it. There was no holding hands or sleeping in the same bed afterward. No pet names or monogamy. It wasn't like they never talked; they were surprisingly the best of friends. They just never spoke of their sex life together except in jokes or side comments. Normally the whole ordeal would make Blaine shaky. He didn't feel like he was having sex with Sebastian his friend, the one who played lacrosse and was allergic to cats and owned too many stuffed animals than was socially acceptable for a seventeen year-old boy. Blaine was sleeping with 'Do I look like a freshman?' Sebastian Smythe that set everyone on edge and made girls ask 'Is he really gay?' But it was oddly okay. Because as they became friends he doubted the two Sebastians were actually the same person.
The months dragged on, prom passed (which neither of them attended), and soon it was graduation. Sebastian stood front and center in McKinley High's auditorium and smiled way too brightly for someone who was 'just a friend'. He attended the after party and kissed Blaine on the mouth in front of the other's friends. They all seemed surprised but Blaine just smiled up at him with warmth to rival the sun radiating from his eyes. Sebastian never remembered feeling that happy before, feeling that whole. College admission letters came to both their houses and soon the two (now) ex-Warblers were on their way. Blaine decided against NYADA and planned to attend NYU in the fall, studying in musical theater. Sebastian was a lot smarter than most people thought was able to get a partial scholarship to Harvard, where he planned to study law like his father had before him. Massachusetts and New York were not as far apart as the two had worried about, but no talk of a future together was uttered. Each was too scared to bring it up and both thought the other thought nothing of them. Everyone else around could see what was going on. Everyone but them.
Summer passed and soon it was time for them to go. Blaine started school first but Sebastian wanted to leave the same time to get his things set up at his dorm. (He would later reveal to Hunter that this decision was because he didn't want to stay in a town that was so very Blaine by himself.) They kissed goodbye at the airport and Blaine bear hugged his friend, burying his head in his chest and inhaling the last of his scent that he would smell for a long time. Sebastian bent down and kissed Blaine. It was a soft kiss, an unprecedented kiss between the pair. Blaine felt his eyes watering and muttered a last goodbye before turning and hurrying off toward his flight. Sebastian stood alone in the airport for what seemed like forever as he retraced Blaine's steps in his mind. He really was going to miss that boy.
School started for the two and they kept in contact just as they had back in Ohio, just not physical contact. They visited each other a few times, but after Blaine saw a picture of Sebastian taking shots off another boy's thigh he stopped inviting Sebastian over to stay the night. It shouldn't have hurt him, it's not like they were boyfriends, but he couldn't handle the familiar monster of jealously pit in his stomach and he was suddenly glad Rachel had shown him a good gym with a punching bag to take his anger out on. A few older, more refined, college boys asked him to drinks and on dates but he always refused. Something about telling all his secrets to someone who wasn't Sebastian left a bad taste in Blaine's mouth. Sebastian shocked himself by how little sex drive he seemed to have at school. He found a local gay club soon after he arrived, and though the men were much better looking than those at Scandals, he couldn't get it up for any of them. None of them walked around with a smile on their face or used too much hair gel or liked cheesy Katy Perry songs. He was whipped by someone he wasn't even dating.
Months passed in which the two hardly talked. The silence was not out of animosity, the two just seemed to lose interest in each other. Neither of them knew it was because the other was scared of becoming attached and being rejected. Blaine went on dates and Sebastian reverted to his days of one night stands without eye contact, but they never felt full. There was a whole missing. December turned to January and Blaine missed his best friend. He decided it was time to take the risk instead of hesitating in fear. He picked up his cell phone and made one of the most important calls of his life.
"Hey," Blaine breathed into the phone after it was answered. It didn't even ring a full time.
"Hey," Sebastian responded, unsure of what to say. He knew what he wanted to say, but he knew that was not what Blaine wanted to hear.
"I miss you Sebastian, please come visit," Blaine said quickly into the phone, his words slurring together. His face turned red and suddenly his thermostat seemed to have risen fifteen degrees.
"I miss you, too. I really do, Blaine. I can't explain it. It's like," Sebastian paused, searching for the word.
"You don't feel whole. I feel the same way."
"Exactly. I'm so lonely." Blaine always knew there was something so lonely about Sebastian. The way he drank his coffee alone and sat in the back of crowds and never kept eye contact. He did not know what exactly plagued his friend but he had made his guesses over the last two years. Sebastian fixed him when he was alone, and now it was his turn to return the favor.
Sebastian visited the following weekend. Blaine threw himself into the other's arms and didn't care if any of the bystanders saw. Then again, it was New York and he doubted any of them cared. Sebastian gripped the smaller boy into his chest and sent out a silent thank you prayer to no one. The whole in his chest patched up and he felt that he was making the right decision for the first time. He visited every weekend after that, and some of which Blaine took the train up to Cambridge. They were inseparable and both night and day were spent holding each other as if the world depended on it. There were real 'I love you's said, but neither mentally documented the first one. It didn't matter who said it first. They had loved each other for a lot longer than they both cared to admit. Blaine from the first time they spoke and Sebastian from the first time 'Blaine Anderson' escaped Thad Harwood's lips. Sebastian no longer thought of himself as 'whipped' but as in love. It was what it was and was not documented on Facebook. Neither referred to the other as his boyfriend in public or to friends. But Sebastian realized that didn't matter every night he got to watch Blaine fall asleep on his chest. Every night he ran his hands through that ridiculously gelled hair and listened to the steady beat of Blaine's heart against his. All was well.
But like everything else in Blaine's life, their relationship had to come to an end. He received a call from Cooper one April morning telling him about his decision to get married to a long-time girlfriend. Blaine congratulated his brother and asked when the wedding was. "This weekend," the older Anderson laughed into the phone. "It was a split decision. I've already got a tux for you. I'm in Westerville. You better be here, best man." Blaine agreed that he would fly out that Thursday so he could attend the bachelor party and maybe see a few friends that stayed home. Just as he was planning to ask Cooper about a plus one he was told about a limited budget and that he couldn't bring a date. He was bummed. He was going to bring Sebastian, and maybe tell his family they were dating. Spring break was about to start anyway, so they would have the entire week to each other. Blaine spent the next days packing his bags for the wedding and attempting to write a best man's speech. Sebastian was back at school but helped the other via Skype and phone calls. Sebastian didn't have classes on Friday, a bit of an early break for him, so he drove down to see Blaine off. He was going to stay in New York and visit some friends that were coming in town. They kissed again at the airport and never thought twice about the possibility of that being their last meeting. "I love you, see ya soon!" Blaine said excitedly into Sebastian's ear as he kissed him one last time. Blaine always seemed like the type to never say goodbye, Sebastian thought.
The wedding passed beautifully and Blaine had never seen his brother happier. He just wished he could have spent time with Sebastian while being with his family. Jeff and Trent were still in Westerville, so he visited them and relived his glory days, as he now referred to them. He called Sebastian his boyfriend by accident in conversation, which led to his being jokingly harassed for the rest of the day. But it was okay. Sunday night Blaine lay in his old bed and talked to Sebastian quietly on the phone. They talked about stupid things, and laughed at Jeff's ugly apartment Blaine described. They talked until the wee hours of the morning when Blaine felt himself drifting off. "I love you so much Blaine," Sebastian said as a goodbye into the receiver. His last sentence would forever be ingrained in Blaine's mind. In the future he would be glad he'd accidently recorded the conversation onto his cell phone. He would play it over and over again just to hear Sebastian's voice. Just to feel that he was still there.
He was due to come home on Tuesday. Sebastian told him he was spending Monday with some friends and may not be able to call him. Blaine said that was fine, to go have fun. He wished he'd given different advice. He sat in his living room with his parents, Cooper and his new wife, and some cousins whose names he always forgot when he was startled out of daydreaming by his phone ringing loudly. The ringtone was a recording of him and Sam drunkenly singing at the graduation after party, something he kept as a reminder of the old days. It stopped being his ringtone later that week. Expecting Sebastian's smooth voice, he was startled to hear what sounded like a sobbing Hunter Clarington on the other end.
"Blaine it's-it's Hunter, from Dalton. I'm in New Jersey with Sebastian. There-there was an accident," the old Warbler captain managed to choke out before letting out a particularly loud sob. Blaine was confused, telling himself that he heard wrong. To not think the worst. "My fault," the other hissed into the phone, "there were four of us in the car, I was driving. Seb was next to me. Drunk driver came, I swerved. Blaine I swerved!" Hunter yelled. "But I should have swerved the other way. If It did it would be me. It would be me…not Seb. Not Seb who had the world to lose. It would be me. What would I have lost? Oh Blaine, Blaine," he cried into the phone. Blaine only got half of the other's words but he understood their meaning.
"Shh, Hunter it's okay. It's not your fault. I'm taking a flight tonight." With that Blaine hung up after finding out where in Jersey they were. He told his family he had to leave and took the first plane out of Westerville that night, not thinking. He shut down his brain. He couldn't think of the worst. He couldn't think of the consequences of Hunter's words. Quinn had been fine. Loads of people had been fine. Sebastian would be okay.
Except Sebastian was not okay. When Blaine arrived to the hospital early the next morning he was greeted by a weepy and tired Hunter that hugged him more than Blaine thought was possible. He pushed him off and went into Sebastian's room. He looked horrible. If Blaine hadn't been so acquainted with the boy's features he wouldn't have recognized him. His hair was matted and held bits of dry blood not scraped out by the nurses. His lips were cut and one eye was swollen. His nose was the only thing left unharmed on his usually perfect face. Blaine didn't want to know the state of the rest of his body. The doctor told him Sebastian was in a coma. Not medically induced. Not looking so well. Blaine asked the doctor to leave as he knelt by the hospital bed, taking Sebastian's hand without the bandage into his own. He fell asleep there that night, gripping Sebastian's hand and laying his head against his healthy shoulder. Things would be okay.
The Smythes visited the next day and discussed life insurance. Blaine was disgusted not to hear Mrs. Smythe cry. She wouldn't even cry for her son. Hunter stayed as long as Blaine did, sitting over in the corner and looking sorry for himself. Blaine wasn't mad at him, though he knew it would be totally rational for him to be. He was just glad someone loved Sebastian, too, just not in the same way Blaine did. Hunter only left the hospital once to get clothes for Blaine and himself. Sebastian hadn't woken up yet and they'd be damned if either of them missed it. Sebastian woke up on Wednesday night and screamed of a pain in his chest that no doctor could figure out its origin. Blaine took his hand and Hunter pulled his chair closer to his friend's bed. He didn't talk while he was awake. He just looked around and smiled and gave Blaine the biggest 'I love you' look anyone had ever seen. They never figured out why he didn't talk. Maybe he couldn't, or maybe it hurt too much. Sam Evans told Blaine later he thought Sebastian kept quiet because he didn't know how to say goodbye.
Sebastian Smythe died on a Thursday morning, around 11:30, almost the exact time he was born eighteen years earlier. The most tragic part; however, was that he didn't have the luck to die in the presence of the one he loved the most. Blaine traveled to the other side of the hospital to get Sebastian a gag gift he knew would make him smile, even if he wouldn't talk. Sebastian's last breath took place as Blaine walked back to the room. Realizing he was getting tired, the kind of tired he couldn't wake up from, Sebastian realized he had to speak. He let out a throaty breath, attempting to call Hunter over. His friend sat in the corner of the room again, and came over when he heard the other trying to communicate.
"Hu-Hunter," Sebastian said hoarsely, each breath bringing agonizing pain. "Tell, tell Blaine I love him." Hunter's eyes widened at realizing what his best friend was saying. He began ringing the doctor's alarm on the wall. He wasn't dying because of him. "No, no it's okay. They can't save me Hunt. Just tell Blaine that. Tell him," Sebastian coughed and gripped his side with his free hand. "That I love him more than everything. More than the stars and the heavens and Frank Sinatra's voice. Blaine." Sebastian smiled. "Blaine," and he eyes fell shut as the red on the monitor turned to a straight line. Hunter cried quietly. The one person who was his friend was gone and he felt selfish being the one to see him go when the love of his life wasn't in the room. It was all his fault. His fault.
Blaine walked down the hall with the gift in his hand when two doctors pushed past him urgently in the direction of Sebastian's room. No. No. No. They couldn't be going that way. There was a cancer patient next door. It was okay. But when Blaine saw the doctors turn to the room he dreaded most, he broke into a sprint, dropping the Little Mermaid crab in the hallway. Maybe some little kid would pick it up. When he reached the room, two doctors and a nurse stood around Sebastian, checking his vitals, trying to shock him back to life. Blaine ran to the bedside and in his anger and desperation pushed Hunter and the nurse out of his way. He had to see him.
Sebastian looked peaceful in death, much more so than he had the majority of his life. His hair was parted the exact way he liked it and the black bruise around his eye was covered up by the makeup. Blaine was glad they didn't cover up the freckles lining Sebastian's neck. He could count them all at this angle. Tears ran silently down his cheeks. He was trying to compose himself just before he gave the eulogy. He looked down at Sebastian's face one last time, his only thoughts being how beautiful it was and how he regretted that he would never see those green eyes again. Those lips would never turn to a smirk or kiss him again. The fingers wouldn't touch him in ways indescribable and the hands would never hold his again. He would never sing again or drink bitter coffee or get excited over a stupid basketball game. Blaine would never get to run his hands over the smooth, muscular chest hidden by the tailored suit, and he would never be held in those strong arms. He would never get to make fun of Sebastian's skinny legs or feel him move inside him during the most passionate of times. Sebastian would never love him again, and Blaine could never get over that.
He was halfway through the eulogy when he finally acknowledged the fact that, yes, Sebastian was gone. He was crying but still able to form words. Only when he was finished and whispered 'Goodbye' into the microphone did he break down. A hoarse "No!" escaped his lips before Sam rushed to the pulpit and helped his friend down. Blaine sobbed into his hands as he watched the casket being carried out. He reached into his suit pocket and found the slip of paper he forgot to put in Sebastian's limp hand. It read See you soon. Blaine was never the type to say goodbye.
Blaine Anderson found something real in Sebastian. He found someone to love. Someone bigger than life itself, and he didn't get how it could be taken from him just like that. Love is above all else. How did he lose this time? He remembered the old song and realized it's truth: "Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and broken hallelujah."
Fin