A\N: Hey guys! This is supposed to be a one-shot but it's huge. It is Willita so be warned! Enjoy :)
She was there, right in front of him. He could have touched her if he was in control of his own body. But he wasn't. XANA was. And no matter how much begging and pleading William Dunbar made with the evil AI, XANA was never going to let him get close.
"Please William, don't do this," her voice was full of fear. Even though he was still in virtual form on Lyoko, he felt his heart break all over again.
"Hear that William," XANA's voice hissed inside his mind. "She's begging you not to hurt her. She doesn't see me, just you. You're their enemy. They'll never rescue you. And even if they did, they would forever see you as the enemy."
Stop it, he tried to say back but XANA merely laughed.
William watched as Yumi Ishiyama dodged the blow of William's sword only to roll to the edge of the glacier that she was standing on. There was nowhere she could go. Any move to her left, right, or backward would cause her to plummet into the digital sea. XANA leveled William's sword at her neck. If she fought, and lost, she would be gone forever, trapped in the virtual world around them with no hope of escape. The scanners were offline. It would be all over.
He tried desperately to take back his body from the entity that possessed it, but he was weak. After so many times trying to fight William found himself growing weaker and weaker each moment. There was little he could do.
The girl in front of her was visibly shaking – William didn't think it was possibly to do that on Lyoko – but there she was in front of him, looking at him as though he were a monster. Perhaps he was, at least, at that moment. He wasn't strong enough. If William would have been able to breathe on Lyoko, all the air in his lungs would have been gone in one moment. XANA moved his body, and William watched as XANA pulled his arm back; he watched as Yumi pulled out her fans. She wasn't fast enough…
No!
He gasped for air as he sat upright in his bed; sweat caused his pajamas to cling tightly to his body. Panting heavily, William did his best to try to draw in oxygen to his lungs, feeling as though they were on fire. It was as if he had actually stopped breathing in those final moments of that dream.
A dream, William, only a dream he had to remind himself. It wasn't a new memory. He had never killed Yumi. She was alive and safe. Well, as safe as she could be. Now that XANA was gone she was far safer but was XANA really gone? He knew the AI better than any of them now and XANA always had a backup plan. No it's not time to think about that.
Shivers ran up and down his body as he began to feel the cooler air of the room on his body but he refused to lie down; he refused to allow himself to succumb to more of those nightmares. In fact, he'd rather go to math class twenty times over than have to deal with those awful dreams.
Besides, even if he wanted to go back to sleep, he wasn't sure that he could. His body was on edge, the rush of adrenaline causing him to be far more awake in that moment than he had been in the two months or so that he had been rescued. William thought that he would enjoy sleeping again, falling away from painful memories or, worse, no memories. However soon that no longer became the case. Nightmares began to plague his sleep – dreams about Lyoko and being under XANA's influence. At first he had thought they were nothing more than bad dreams, a way for his mind to fill in the gaps. However, he soon began to realize that it wasn't the case. Soon they came during the day, when he was awake. They weren't merely dreams that he was having but rather memories that were surfacing to his conscious memory and he hated it.
His existence was becoming more and more painful each moment he was back in the real world. Throughout his possession, he couldn't wait to get away from it all, to get back home where things would be easy; where he was in control once more. But he wasn't. He had no control. There was no way he could control when memories would come back to him. Hell, he couldn't even control whether they'd be quick little clips, commercials in his mind, or an entire movie. Multiple times he had found he'd been lost so long in his these memories that he had missed a class or dinner.
And it wasn't as though someone was coming to find him if he didn't show up to something. The other Lyoko Warriors hadn't said a word to him after helping him back to Kadic and briefly explaining that they had had a clone take his place for those many months he'd be under XANA's control. How much fun it had been trying to deal with the aftermath of his clone. But ever since then, the others had grown distant from him to the point they basically went out of their way to avoid him. It was stupid…he wasn't their enemy anymore so why were they treating him like one?
Well, all of them except for Aelita. The pink haired girl didn't engage him much, but sometimes in the cafeteria when William would watch the group from the other side of the room, she'd look up and he would catch her eye. She would smile at him – but not just any smile. It was almost apologetic, like she wanted to tell him that she was sorry for everything but the group around her wouldn't let her. He would watch as she would look back to the group, her face becoming serious and William knew they were talking about them. He'd hear angry voices and hushed tones, maybe once in a while one of the others would turn in his direction with an angry glare. But nothing would happen and he would remain sitting alone in the lunchroom, his food barely touched.
Once in a great while, while waiting to go to class, sitting alone, Aelita would walk by him and stop for a brief second. It was always hurried, it seemed, as if she were afraid to be caught by the others. She would say to him: "Hi William. How are you doing?"
When she asked that question, he just wanted to spill his guts; to tell her that he was doing crappy. Things were terrible and he had no one to turn to. He wanted to tell her that he was an outcast once more, no friends and no way to stop the horrible images from invading his mind. He wanted to tell her that he felt as though he were living a life not his own. He wanted to tell her all of this, but knew that he couldn't. "I'm fine." The world's biggest lie.
That day, the last time they had spoken, Aelita had actually said: "I know that's not true," but before they could continue to engage in a conversation, Jeremie, Odd, and Ulrich had appeared and had stolen her away from him, but not without giving him all kinds of dirty looks – Jeremie was clearly concerned about Aelita, Ulrich looked as though he were ready to attack William and Odd, well, Odd had given him the stink eye.
William sat on the side of his bed, holding his head in his hands. The feelings inside of him were ready to explode…he had to talk to someone. But who could he tell? No one outside of the Lyoko gang was an option. He had sworn to keep the secret and he would do so until the day he died…or until the group collectively chose to reveal their secret. Beside, no one would understand and he'd probably end up in the nuthouse. Then there was the Lyoko gang. He couldn't even have a simple conversation with them…so there was no way any he could confide in any of them about his troubles.
Well…there was Aelita. At least, he thought maybe he could. She had tried to talk to him when the others wouldn't. She had tried to make sure that he was doing alright. He had been unsure if he could trust her at first because of the actions of the rest of the group, but then William realized that even though she was a part of the group, she acted autonomously fairly often. The boy couldn't stop a small smile from tugging at his lips. She had grown so much since he had first met her even those couple of years ago. It was pretty neat to watch her grow and mature to a strong young lady.
"Ugh!" William rolled his eyes as he flopped down on his bed. Who am I kidding? She doesn't want to talk to you…she's just being nice because that's what Aelita is. Nice. Nothing more. Stop reading into everything you idiot.
But something told him that just wasn't true. Aelita was kind, that much was true, but she was also very honest with her thoughts and feelings. She wouldn't put on a show for William; that just wasn't her style. Especially seeing that contact with him seemed to be opposite of the group's wishes. No. That just wasn't right. She was reaching out to him. Anyone else would believe the lie of "I'm fine", but she knew better; she knew that he wasn't alright and had even called him out on it. Aelita wanted to know what was wrong…she was trying to reach out to him, but perhaps he would have to meet her halfway.
Sitting up once more, he glanced around his room a moment, his eyes unfocused. He should go back to bed, it had to be pretty late. He knew that he should sleep… there was so much homework he had to "catch" up on. To be fair, his clone had done a decent job keeping his grades on par with where William would be at (or maybe Yumi had been helping? William never actually found out how that had worked), but William himself never learned the material. He hadn't been doing well in most of his classes because he didn't know the material. So he was stuck playing catch-up knowing that he couldn't ask anyone for help. Yumi wouldn't look at him so she was out of the question, as was Jeremie. Everyone else in the school thought he had been there so suddenly asking for help on the schoolwork "he" had been doing for months seemed strange. And really, with everyone making a comment on his "joke" he wasn't really in the mood to talk to any of them anyway.
So, he would go to classes where he'd sit, trying his best to stave off the sudden memories that flooded his mind. He'd take notes that he didn't even understand and make sure that he didn't get caught catching glimpses of Yumi. Then, when classes were over he'd start back on trying to learn what he had missed. It took hours of his time during the day but, then again, he had nothing else better to do anymore. And, for once, schoolwork was no longer the enemy. It provided a way to keep the nightmares that plagued his days at bay. At least for a short time.
But there was only so much he could do at a time. And in the middle of the night, he would not even consider it. William's eyes became focused once again as he glanced toward the clock, wondering what time that wonderful nightmare had woke him up. 5:14 am. Well, that wasn't terrible but he still would have rather slept in until 7 or so. For a brief moment William thought he could go back to sleep, but just as quickly as the thought had come to him, he dismissed it. There was little sense in it when he knew it was going to be plagued with nightmares, either real or imaginary.
And, of course, since no one else was dumb enough to be up at that time, the showers would be free. That did sound nice. There would be no one bugging him, asking what the point of his "joke" had been, or telling him that he "had them all fooled". Man, was he sick of hearing about it. Standing up, William moved toward his dresser, grabbing out clean clothes and his toiletries. Perhaps a nice, hot shower would be just what he needed to ease the false nightmare from his mind. Deep down in his mind, though, he knew that it just wouldn't be possible. No matter how nice it felt, he would be forever plagued with those images in his head.
xXxXxXx
Breakfast was always an interesting endeavor, Aelita Schaeffer thought as she sat her tray down on the table, sitting next to her friend Jeremie and across the table from Odd. Really it was the blonde that made meals ever so interesting. Wolfing down meals was commonplace for him, of course, but sometimes it amazed Aelita – and the others – just how much he could actually eat and not seem to gain a pound. She would ask him how it was even possible, but she already knew that no one, not even Odd, knew the answer.
She nibbled at her croissant and glanced around at the group. Odd was chattering on, as usual, about a girl he had a crush on while Ulrich made fun of him for it. Beside her, Jeremie looked as though he were listening to the conversation but she could tell by the glassy look in his eyes that he was nowhere close to actually listening. She wanted to ask him if he was alright, but she realized after a few seconds that he was more than likely thinking about Lyoko. Now that the supercomputer was shut down, Jeremie didn't have much else to occupy his time any longer. He said that he was okay but truthfully Aelita knew that he was actually getting bored.
Odd and Ulrich kept going on in random tangents, sometimes Aelita would catch it but for the most part she, like Jeremie, only pretended to pay attention. It wasn't like she had something really important on her mind, though, she just really wasn't all that interested in hearing about Odd's love life. She had to admit, she felt a little grouchy as she was sitting there, though no fault of the boys she was sitting with. A crappy night sleep and bad dreams were to blame.
Still, she would put a smile on her face. She couldn't even remember what the dream was about that she had had the night before but she had a good idea. Her father. She had watched him get destroyed in front of her. No, she didn't want to think about that.
She heard a noise behind her and saw the others looking beside them. She moved her eyes to see what they were looking at and spied William. He had a tray in his hand with only a small bit of nibbled food on it. Usually he evaded the table that they all sat at but with the cafeteria being rather crowded, he was forced to walk past their table on his way out of the cafeteria. The others watched him, eyeing him suspiciously; Aelita saw it as she cast a quick glance at them. Even Jeremie. She turned back to see William walking past the table, pausing only a second beside them when he caught Aelita's eye.
"Hi," he said to them. Aelita could tell he was looking to have a conversation with them but after being shunned before, he was approaching cautiously. Aelita was surprised he was approaching them at all. They hadn't been very friendly with him after freeing him from XANA. Even she knew that she could have been nicer to him.
No one answered him, they just stared at him. It had been just about the same story as before. Though Aelita could understand their hesitation in talking with him – after all he had been their enemy for months – she just couldn't understand why they were being so mean to him. Caution, she could understand. Bullying? Not so much.
"Hello William," Aelita replied breaking the moment of silence between them. She could feel the other's eyes on her, boring into her like daggers but at that point in time she didn't care. The pain was written all over his face; loneliness and despair were there completely obvious and she was amazed that the others didn't seem to notice just how much he was struggling.
Aelita watched his eyes glance from her to the others and instantly his face became hard again, masking that moment of vulnerability she had noticed. They were letting him slip through their fingers again and Aelita felt her anger bubble up as she watched William's eyes smolder as he walked away from the table. The tension in the air was so thick, but Aelita didn't give a damn about it at that moment.
"So, anyway…" Odd started after a second of quiet. He was trying to get the conversation back to normal, not wanting to discuss William but Aelita wasn't about to let that second pass.
"Why are you guys acting like this?" she demanded suddenly, eliciting startled looks from each and every one of them.
"What are you talking about?" Jeremie asked.
"William," she replied as if it were the simplest answer in the world. Really, it was. "I want to know why you guys continue to insist on treating him like he's our enemy."
"I guess it's just going to be a hard habit to break," Ulrich's sour response came. Aelita eyed him and the others as they sat around the table averting her gaze. Aelita felt as though she were able to remain pretty calm and laid back for the most part. She didn't usually get angry and it was even rarer for her to show it. But she was annoyed and they knew it. Grabbing the back of her chair, Aelita pushed out from underneath her as she stood, reaching for her tray at the same time.
"Where are you going?" Odd asked, his voice sounding as though her words had affected him slightly.
"I just need a few minutes," she replied. "I'll see you guys in class."
Aelita didn't wait to hear if the boys had anything to say to her. She moved away from the table, her eyes scanning for the rejected boy. William had already disappeared out of the cafeteria, but she knew that he couldn't have gone far. She threw a quick glance behind her to see if anyone had followed her but no one had. Either they were too stunned to follow her or they realized that she had something to do that she didn't want them around for. Perhaps they knew she was going after William. Maybe not. She hoped not because she didn't want to be questioned when she reappeared to them, but at the same time she didn't really care.
Once outside, Aelita cast her green eyes around the schoolyard looking for William. At first she couldn't seem to find him. Oh come on, he couldn't have just vanished, Aelita thought as she took a couple of steps away from the cafeteria. Then she spied his familiar mop of a hair style bobbing through the crowds of people in the courtyard. She was curious as to where it was he was going. After all, the dormitories were the opposite direction and William wasn't the type to go willingly into the library…right?
It felt strange to follow him around, like it was something she shouldn't be doing. Who knew where he was going and, to be honest, Aelita knew she had no business essentially stalking him. She had no real reason to either. She only wanted to talk with him, not find out his secrets. Those were his and his alone.
But the girl never seemed to have the chance to approach him. Every time she'd get close enough to catch his attention, someone would pass between them or he'd take a sudden turn. By the time the path had cleared and Aelita could get the boy's attention they were already in the forest. If she approached him now it would look like she was stalking him and she didn't want it to seem like that. William had enough problems without having to look over his shoulder all the time to see if he was being followed. Yet Aelita really wanted to talk to him; to apologize to him…something!
Aelita watched as the boy moved deeper into the forest eventually finding a tree to lean against. The girl watched him sigh heavily as he slid until he was sitting on the ground. For a moment he didn't move, didn't say anything. He just sat there, eyes fixated on something in the distance. Aelita watched perplexed. A few moments later he hit his head back against the tree trunk once, twice, three times - and they weren't little strikes either. Just as she was about to jump out to stop him, he stopped himself, resting his head against the tree. "Stupid…stupid…" she heard him mutter to himself. "All of this is so stupid. I'm so stupid. Get out of my head, leave me alone."
The look of distress on his face at that moment made Aelita want to jump from her spot in the bushes and give hug him tightly. Why couldn't the others see just how troubled the boy was? After all, it couldn't be easy in his position; coming back to the real world to have to carry on as "normal" when the past months had been anything but. It wasn't easy coming off of a XANA-possession – Aelita knew that from experience – and having been under so long must have really taken its toll on William. She couldn't blame him for that in the least.
His body stiffened and his eyes closed. "Go away," he was speaking as though his teeth were clenched tightly against one another. Aelita watched as his eyes closed, clenched tightly against one another. "I don't want to remember, please…stop!"
A sudden jolt went through Aelita. He was…remembering? But he wasn't supposed to be doing that. Though Aelita herself could remember the feelings she had under XANA's control, she couldn't remember exactly what had happened during those brief moments. She had relied on her friends to fill in the blanks for her. But William was remembering? Oh no, no wonder he looked so distressed! Torn between staying in her spot and going over to comfort him, Aelita found herself frozen as she watched. His body was shaking, she could see that. And were those tears forming on his face?
"Please, it's not me…" he was moaning, reliving the events in his mind. At least that's what it looked like to Aelita. "XANA leave her alone. Yumi…I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I – I can't control myself! It's XANA, not me."
His tone was heartbreaking to hear. She had never seen William cry before nor heard him speak in that way. But he was and it nearly killed her. After what seemed like hours of the boy muttering and apologizing, his body relaxed and his eyes opened slowly. The boy sighed and almost instantly Aelita saw the rage in his face. "God damnit!" The boy grabbed a nearby stone and hurled it as hard as he could. Fortunately for Aelita it was in the opposite direction she was standing it. The boy had a good arm.
Aelita watched as William wiped at his eyes, trying to remove the wetness from them. "Stupid…why is this happening to me? Haven't I been punished enough for one stupid mistake? God dammit…I just want everything to get back to normal. Not this. And none of them even want to talk to me. I can't blame them but would it be so hard just to acknowledge that I'm not the enemy?" The pink haired girl heard him sigh. "I wish I had someone to talk to…"
She couldn't take it anymore; she had to talk to him, but how could she without letting the boy know she had been watching him all this time? With a shake of her head, Aelita realized she didn't care. "William?" she asked, walking around the bush she'd been hiding in. Maybe he'd think she was looking for him.
As the girl came to where he was resting, she watched his entire body stiffen up. Well, at least he hadn't known she'd been spying on him all that time. There was a scowl plastered on his face; not that she could blame him. As terrible as they had been to him, she was actually more surprised that he didn't get up and walk away. She watched him rub his eyes some more as if he didn't want her to see what she had seen. Aelita wouldn't say anything about it; no sense embarrassing him or calling out the fact that she had been watching him.
"What are you doing here?" his voice was calm but there was a cold edge to it. Aelita picked it up instantly but it didn't put her off. If anything else, she had been expecting it – well worse really.
"I…I wanted to talk to you," she stated. "For a while now actually."
"Do your friends know you're here?"
She took a couple steps toward the boy who barely raised his head to acknowledge her. "Does it matter?"
William chuckled, but it was laced with bitterness. Aelita could tell that he wasn't finding much amusement in his thought. "Yeah it does. I don't want them to think I kidnapped you again or anything."
"Come on William," Aelita replied. "No one's going to think that."
"Yeah, well stand on this side of the group and say that," the boy shot back. "Because from where I'm sitting, that seems like the logical response from them."
Aelita sighed in response. She couldn't blame him for being angry – any one of them would be if they had to deal with what he did. The girl took another step and another. When he didn't respond she moved closer to him, sitting down beside him. William's body stiffened once more but Aelita wasn't going to let him push her away. Not when she finally had the opportunity to talk to him without fear the others would try to stop her.
"Well I don't care," Aelita responded with a shrug. "Because I want to talk to you. I've been wanting to talk to for a while now."
"What about?" William wasn't looking at her. His eyes fixated on a stick he picked up, peeling the bark from the small branch. She wanted him to look at her, but wasn't going to press the matter any. Just the fact that he was listening to her and not walking away was good enough…for the time being anyway.
"Everything really." Aelita likewise didn't look at the boy as she sat beside him. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, to ask him, to tell him…where did she even start? What could she even say?
The boy snorted as if angry with her. "Well I don't want to talk about anything." Aelita sighed in response to him – this was going to be a long afternoon.
xXxXxXx
He wanted nothing more than to spill everything he could to the girl. Wasn't that why he wanted to talk to the group in the first place? Sure he wanted to be friends with them – they had a somewhat shared experience, but he was beginning to see that it wasn't going to be possible. Yet he couldn't trust her. Yes she had tried to make contact with him before – she'd mentioned that she wanted to speak him. And Aelita was honest, there was no reason to think otherwise, but he couldn't bring himself to actually speak to her now that the opportunity had presented itself.
William didn't know what to think. Part of him really wanted to let her in, explain himself, apologize…but the other part of him shunned her. Why now? Why not before? She had to sneak away from the others, she couldn't come to him otherwise.
"Well I want to talk," she responded to his curt comment. "So I guess you'll just have to listen to me."
Aelita was far more forceful and…sassy than William remembered. If he wasn't so angry with them, with himself he might have found it amusing. Now, all he wanted to do was have her be quiet, and at the same time tell him everything. God, everything was so complicated.
"I know that we haven't been the most understanding people," Aelita was admitting to him. That was an understatement. "And we're wrong to continue to treat you the way we have been. William, I want to help you but I don't know what I can do. I need to know what you're going through so I know what I can do."
Her voice was soothing and calm; he could hear the honesty within it. There was no hint of malice or deception housed within it. William felt his body relax, his eyes closed, and his head fell back against the tree he leaned against. It was then that he finally dropped the stick from his fidgety hands. "You can't help me…"
William felt her petite hand on his arm and for the first time since she sat down, he turned his head to face her. "William, let me try."
"Why do you care?" William asked his tone a little harsher than he meant to be. "None of you seem to care before or while I was under XANA's control. Why are you acting like you care now? Is it because you're starting to feel guilty?"
The anger bubbled just below the surface, ready for her to say one thing to let it explode. He watched her, carefully, waiting for that telltale sign – the sign that she would betray him once more. But it never came. Instead he watched her sigh and break her eye contact with him. "Yes."
He never knew that one word could have such an effect on him. William had expected her to refute it or pass the blame both of which he would have immediately pounced on and called her out on. Yet she didn't; she had agreed with him and judging by the look on her face, he could tell that even she wasn't satisfied with the answer.
"I know we haven't been fair to you at all," she continued, her voice quiet. William almost had to lean in to hear her speak. "And for that I'm really sorry. But I don't want us to continue on this way. I want to help you."
"In exchange for forgiveness?" his voice was still cold. She wanted something from him…she had to, right?
"No," came the response. "I don't expect that from you at all. Would I like it? Absolutely, but I don't expect it. And I don't expect to bargain for it either. Forgiveness isn't something that's handed out lightly and I fully understand that."
She was saying all the right things, but…what was the catch? He hated that he was so suspicious of the girl's motives but he couldn't help it. Between being under XANA's captivity and then being shunned, he was suspicious of everyone that approached him. Call it a side effect or whatever. The boy closed his eyes a moment and sighed heavily once more. God, all he wanted to do was to disappear. His thoughts and feelings were so conflicted at this point he didn't even know what he wanted. And he hated it.
"Let me help." Her voice, angelic, caused him to open his eyes once more. His gaze lazily moved to her as he felt his muscles unclench.
"Fine," he finally gave in. He hoped that it wouldn't be something he'd come to regret later. "What do you want me to say?"
Aelita shrugged. Apparently she hadn't thought this through very well. He would have laughed if he wasn't so miserable. Aelita was very on-top of things – she planned our most everything she did – but here she was just winging it. Like William would have. "Whatever you want I guess."
"You want me to talk about being possessed right?" the boy spat at her, his voice rising in volume and in anger. "I don't remember any of it Aelita! I don't want to remember any of it! And I don't appreciate that you want me to remember the hell I went through!" His heart thudded hard against his chest and he realized that his fists were balled again. He was so angry, but not at Aelita; at himself. Closing his eyes, William attempted to compose himself. There was no sense in yelling at her or lying to her. Aelita would know.
"William…I…." Aelita's voice faded out as if she had no idea what to say next.
"Actually…I do remember." William knew she wasn't going to find the words to continue and he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear them anyway. This time when he spoke his voice was much calmer than before. "Bits and pieces of it really, but it's all starting to come back to me."
"Really?" Aelita asked, her tone seemed surprised. "I didn't think it was possible. I don't remember anything during the times I was possessed by XANA…well, not specific memories. Just thoughts and feelings."
William's brow furrowed as he glanced over at the girl. "You've been….possessed by XANA?" It wasn't something that had ever come up in the few days that he had known about Lyoko…the time before he got possessed. It was no surprise that they didn't tell him; there simply hadn't been enough time. But he had never learned about it through XANA and that did surprise him. That seemed like something XANA would love to have bragged about.
Aelita nodded in response, her face falling. "Yeah. I did some bad things. I destroyed all the sectors of Lyoko when I was possessed. I attacked my friends. I don't remember actually doing it…maybe I wasn't under long enough to form subconscious memories." There was a break in her speech as if she were gathering her thoughts or delving into her own personal demons. "But I can remember the feeling – like I was drowning but unable to die. I don't know, maybe that sounds strange…"
"No," William interjected. "No not at all. I think that describes the experience pretty well."
"So you know what I'm talking about then?" William nodded in response but let her continue without interrupting. "Then there were the whispers. I can't remember what they said but they were never good. They said things to make me doubt myself, my friends, my family – everyone I held dear. They'd tell me I wasn't good enough; whatever they could to destroy my self-esteem."
The girl beside him paused and William found he was unable to tear his gaze away from her. So someone else did have an inkling of what he had been going through. Someone could relate to him. It was both a freeing feeling as well as an irritating realization: she had known all this time and was only now coming to talk to him?
"But I never remember anything specific," Aelita admitted. "But you…do?"
William drew in a long breath, exhaling slowly. The opportunity to talk had just presented itself and suddenly he found himself freezing up. Why? Wasn't this what he wanted to do in the first place? The boy just sat there beside Aelita in silence for a good period of time. Where did he even begin?
"Not at first," his voice was heavy as he tried to form the words in his mind. "For a while after you guys rescued me, everything was a black hole. There wasn't anything I could remember after being grabbed by the Scyphozoa. I hated it before…now I wish that I could go back to that really." There was a long moment of silence. William was trying to figure out how exactly to proceed, but was coming up short with what to say next. Instead he sat there a moment, in silence.
"And…you remember now? How did that happen?" Aelita must have sensed his internal struggle and he was grateful that she had given him a direction to go in…even if he wasn't sure how much he actually wanted to tell her.
"At first there were nightmares," William turned to face her in that moment but he could feel the pained expression he was wearing. Aelita's face softened more – if that was even possible. He looked away again a moment later. "And it was only just nightmares. Hell, I'm not even sure if they were memories – actually I know they weren't real memories at first. But they were…they were pretty bad. Lots of death and a bit gory…" he'd spare the girl the details. Even if he wanted to talk about them, he didn't want those images in her head. "But then the nightmares became real and I knew that I was starting to remember things."
"I'm sorry William."
"That's not the worst of it," he didn't want to talk about the waking nightmares, but Aelita had been kind enough to go against the group to speak to him. Didn't he kind of owe it to her? Besides, though it hurt talking about them now, he knew that he would feel better in the long run. "The memories started coming back to me in the middle of the day. I can't control when they come but when they do I find myself trapped in reliving the event. I can't get out – I'm trapped. Just like I was with XANA."
xXxXxXx
William's last words made it so that Aelita felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Her entire body clenched as she listened. Honestly she had no idea what he had been going through and the knowledge that she was getting in that moment upset her greatly. Had she have known any of this then she wouldn't have put off talking to him for as long as she had; she would have made a harder effort to talk to him before now.
"I know I haven't gotten all of them back yet," William admitted with a sigh. "And I'll probably be getting them for months to come."
The girl hesitated a moment; she wanted some way to offer the boy comfort but wasn't sure how he would reciprocate it. Figuring it couldn't hurt, Aelita put her hand on the boy's shoulder and immediately felt him relax slightly under her touch. Slowly he brought his head around to face her once more. It was then that she could see the weariness in his face, the hurt, the pain…all of it. Why hadn't she seen it before? No doubt this was the way he had been looking for days if not weeks.
"So…you're remembering what you – what XANA made you do?" It had been a slip of the tongue. Aelita thought that she had caught it, but apparently not quickly enough. His face fell and he looked away from her. "I'm sorry William. I know that you didn't do any of that of your own free will."
A sarcastic snicker came out of his mouth and Aelita was not surprised. "You know that was the worst part of it. I could handle XANA's taunts and insults, but when it came from you guys…well, let's just say it wasn't pretty. And XANA really used that against me a lot you know." The next sentence came out barely above a whisper. "He almost broke me with it too."
"William!" Aelita realized in that moment that her hand was still on his arm but made no move to pull it away. "I'm so sorry. You know none of us ever for a moment thought that you were willingly doing any of that on your own, don't you?"
She watched him shake his head. The movement was slight but it was there. "You guys have one hell of a funny way of showing it…"
"Yeah, I know." It wasn't a thought she particularly wanted to be reminded of, but she had a feeling that this was just the beginning of her long time of guilt-ridden feelings. And really, she deserved it. "You have no idea how sorry I am about that either."
"He'd be like a voice, whispering things in my ear," His eyes were unfocused, looking ahead of him but it was as though he weren't really "seeing" anything. It was as if he were reliving the pain in that moment – the pain she and the others had caused him. "They were bad really. I wish now that I would have never remembered them. 'They think you're doing this Dunbar. They don't see you and me – just you. You can never go back to them – you can never belong. Don't wish too hard for freedom because you'll never truly be free.' Funny how it turns out he was right."
Another punch to the stomach only this time Aelita knew she deserved it. They had treated him so badly when he was possessed and they were treating him ten times worse now that he wasn't. How fair was that? Right, it wasn't. But what else could she say to the boy? Words couldn't fix what they had done. And even though she would apologize for everything, how much weight would that carry when in a few moments Aelita would return to the others and go back to ignoring him completely?
"Sounds awful," It was the only thing she could finally conjure up to say. What else was there to say?
William nodded slightly – a movement that would have almost gone unnoticed it was so subtle. "Yeah," his breathed the word out. "And sometimes I still hear it, whispering in the distance. It tells me what a terrible person I am, reminds me of all the terrible things I've done. I hate it and no matter what I do I can't seem to escape it. And it's worse at night. Seems like then the voice gets louder. Honestly, I'm not sure if the voice is real or not. But it doesn't matter…it's….horrible. Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep – or be awake. I just don't want to hear that damn voice anymore, but no matter what I do I can't get rid of it. They just won't go away."
"I wish I could do something to help you William," Aelita finally said after a few moments of silence. "I really do. This isn't fair for you. What can I do? Is there anything I can do?"
Aelita could almost see the faint outline of a smile forming on his face for a fleeting second. "You know, just having someone to listen to me is pretty nice. It's a lot better than keeping it all bottled up."
"Honestly I wish that I would have come talk to you before," Aelita admitted in all sincerity. She twisted her body so that she was facing William this time around instead of sitting beside him. She wanted the boy to know just how sincere she was. "I wanted to – believe me I did. I just…well…I guess I just didn't try hard enough."
"I'm not going to argue that with you," came William's response as he laid his head back against the tree trunk once more. This time however, his eyes were open and they seemed to be focused still. "Though I guess I can't be completely angry with you. It's hard to change the group's decision once their minds are made up. Trust me, I know that one."
This time Aelita clasped both of her small hands on his bicep and leaned in closer to him. "Give them a chance," she said, her voice quiet and encouraging. "They'll come around. I'll work on them."
"Heh, good luck." This time his voice held no malice or even sarcasm. "I guess I can't blame any of you. I have been your enemy…hell in some respects I've been your enemy before XANA possessed me."
"Don't say that! That's not true!" But wasn't it? Hadn't they treated the boy like an enemy even before his invitation to Lyoko? Wasn't the decision to let him into the group mostly done so out of desperation?
"You're sweet Aelita," William said with a chortle. "Very misguided but sweet."
"Don't pull that on me," Aelita said, her face set hard. Aelita wasn't the sweet, innocent person that everyone assumed she was. Nor was she naïve like everyone thought. No, she understood and she was not misguided.
"Sorry Princess," the boy replied moving his head slightly so that he was looking at her, his head still resting against the tree trunk. "I didn't mean to upset you. It's just…I know your friends pretty well. I know they still see me as the enemy. Tell me I'm wrong."
Aelita couldn't lie to him. The others did still see him as the enemy no matter how many times she tried to convince them otherwise. "I promise you, they won't. Give them time. I know it's been really hard for you, but it hasn't necessarily been easy on us."
There was a flash in his eyes as soon as Aelita spoke and immediately she knew that she had said something wrong. That phrase came out all wrong and the girl wished she could pull the words back from the air and stuff them back in her mouth, but that was impossible. She wouldn't be able to. William stared at her a moment longer before rolling his eyes and staring back off into space. In that moment, Aelita feared that she had lost him.
xXxXxXx
Hearing her say that his possession had been hard on them made anger course through him. Yeah they had struggled but none of them – not even Aelita – knew the depths that he had suffered; what he had gone through. They had had it easy compared to him in all honesty especially since they never saw themselves fighting a possessed friend but rather an enemy. It made it easier on them to fight him. He knew it and so did they.
"I don't think you understand," he finally said, he could feel the snarl on his face but made no attempt to cover it up. Aelita opened that door and now she was going to have to deal with whatever came through it. "You have no idea what it was like being under the control of a sadistic, demented AI for any length of time. You can't imagine what it was like to be trapped, not able to move your body, watching as XANA used you to bring down the only people you thought you could trust. Or to hear those same people taunt you and say horrible things to you!"
His voice was slowly rising, the anger threatening to boil over. He had never let it get so close to the surface before – well not this anger. It wasn't even anger it was fury, rage. All of those strong negative emotions. And they were so strong that, now that they were on a roll, he wasn't sure that he could stop them.
"And you think that's the worst of it?! No! Not even close. You think because you spent a few hours under his control that you can understand?! You have no idea! Do you know what it's like constantly hearing XANA say such cruel and awful things to you?! He did his damnest to break me and he just about did. Acutally, no. He did. He broke me. You guys don't even understand the depths of the pain he caused me. You can't possibly imagine! You…you just can't! So don't you dare tell me that you struggled because you have no goddamn idea what struggling is really like! Not one bit!"
His heart was thudding and in the midst of his near-yelling, he hadn't felt the water dripping down his cheeks. William felt his body tremble and in an attempt to save face in front of Aelita, he brought his knees to his chest and buried his head in them. Great, that was definitely not what he wanted to happen – not in front of her.
But it seemed like his body had other ideas. Once the flow started he found he couldn't stop it. The tears began to stream down his face as the barrier holding them from his eyes broke completely. No, no, no, no. Stop it. Don't cry. Stop being a wuss. Don't let her see this. You can't let her see!
It seemed the more he scolded himself the harder the tears flowed until he breath caught. God, he was being so pathetic. What did Aelita think of him now? No doubt she would tell the others and they'd scoff at tough Mr. William Dunbar crying like a baby. Why couldn't he stop? "XANA's right…I am pathetic."
William hadn't realized he said those words out loud, not until he heard Aelita make a sound beside him – a mix of a gasp and a sigh. He didn't really know what to make of the sound, but didn't have time to think about it. A few seconds later, he felt small arms wrap around his curled up body and he stiffened. He knew he wasn't under attack but the reflex to attack was strong. Don't punch Aelita moron. That wouldn't sit well with the group AT ALL.
Wait. Aelita. Was hugging him?
"You're not," her face had to have been close to his ear because her voice was a soft whisper and nothing more. "You're not pathetic. In fact you're from it. William…you made a mistake. One lousy mistake and you paid dearly for it. I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry!"
Finally, he pulled his head out from his knees and looked up at her. He didn't really want her to see, but he had to look at her. He had to see if she was being sincere. At first, when he glanced down, all he could see was the top of her pink head. That was before she pulled back and faced her head upright, her green eyes meeting his brown ones. It was in that moment that William saw the sorrow in her eyes. She was sorry about everything and now he could see it. Was he mistaken or were the glimmers of tears in her own eyes?
"You're not pathetic. You've never been," she whispered again to him. "You, William Dunbar, are one of the strongest people I know. You survived XANA and that's not pathetic."
It felt like his breath caught in his throat when she spoke and he sat there a moment, searching her face for one hint that she was lying; that the words she said were false. If it was there, he couldn't find it. They held onto one another, keeping each other at arm's lengths for a moment before William dropped his head again. Before he realized what was happening, Aelita pulled him into her, holding him as tears continued to flow freely. This was…nice. He hadn't had human contact in so long. Feeling Aelita's small body holding him was the nicest feeling he had felt in so many months.
"I'm so…sick…of being alone," he said, his face buried in the girl's arms. And it was so very true. XANA had been far from good company and having Aelita there with him was almost overwhelming. The fact that she was there holding him gave him the slightest flicker of hope. Maybe XANA wasn't right – maybe one day in the future they'd trust him again. Maybe not, but at least the little pink-haired princess had given him back some tiny sliver of hope.
"You're not alone William," Aelita replied, squeezing him tighter. "I know the others will need time, but I promise you this: I will work on them. They won't see you as an enemy forever. It'll take time, but you'll be welcomed back eventually. In the meantime, I'm here. You can come to me whenever you want."
A small smile broke out across his wet face, though William knew that Aelita couldn't see it. For the first time since he was rescued from his possession, he felt…safe. The voice in the back of his mind was silent – no doubt it would reappear again, but at least now he knew he had someone to help him through it when it did.
He wasn't sure how long they had been in that position before William finally pulled away, but it had been a while. His face had since dried but he could feel the puffiness still residing there. He could feel it but in that moment he didn't care. The girl sitting beside him dropped her arms away from him and looked back at him. And they sat there a moment looking at one another. He hadn't noticed it before, but Aelita had certainly grown in the months he had been under XANA's control. She was becoming quite the teenager; quite the young lady.
Something was stirring in William – something he didn't quite understand. It wasn't a bad thing, not at all, but looking at Aelita something felt different between them. She smiled at him and William felt himself mirror her actions. It even took him by surprise when he felt himself lean forward, his lips brushing against the soft skin of her cheek. The girl's face registered surprise and William saw it as he pulled away. "Thank you Aelita. You have no idea how much this means to me."
Her gaze had moved down for only a split second before she glanced back up at him, a small smile on her face. "I might have a slight idea. And I meant everything I said William. Call me, text me, whatever you need to do and whenever you need. And you'd better take me up on that offer because if I don't hear from you in a couple of days, I'll seek you out myself. And it won't be pleasant!"
A chuckle escaped the boy's lips. "Oh I wouldn't want a mad Princess coming after me. But what about the others? Won't they notice?"
He watched as the girl shrugged. "Yeah probably, but it's none of their business what I do. They'll get over it."
She had grown in the time he'd been taken captive hadn't she? She was putting her foot down harder than she had ever before and William had to admit, he liked to see that. That feist would serve her well later. In the distance, William heard a bell ring and Aelita looked momentarily panicked. "Oh! I..I!"
"Go," William replied. "I wouldn't want to make you late for class."
The girl scrambled to her feet with a smile. Before she turned to run off, she stopped and looked at the boy once more. William smiled back up at her. "You're going to be okay William. I promise."
The pink haired girl didn't wait for William's response as she turned on her heels and sprinted off back to the Academy. William knew that he too should probably get going. He had class soon as well, but for a second he leaned his head back against the tree. This time a small smile played on his face. Yes. Someday he was going to be okay again.