No Sex (In Ryan's Poolhouse)
by Seth Cohen
Ladies and gentlemen of the Pacific Harbor class of 2005, I have one piece of advice for you...
... No matter what Marissa tells you, there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
None.
Oh, there's kissing in Ryan's poolhouse, but you wanna go farther than that. You want sex, but there's no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
Don't go to parties if you're from Chino. Sure, it seems like a good idea, but when you end up facedown on the ground with blood pouring out of your nose, you're gonna have second thoughts.
If you've met a guy who's sensitive and understanding, he's a gun-toting lunatic.
If you've dumped a guy who turns out to be sensitive and understanding, he's banging your mother.
"What's with those silly ass shoes?"
Now, you know that Ryan didn't commit all those crimes. Trey got in on most of that crap.
Young people of the world, if you run out of the country and see your boyfriend mackin' on some other chick, let it slide. Why spend the next month confined to a hospital bed and whining your way through everyday life?
Chrismukkah -- ain't nothing wrong with that.
No matter what your opinion is, remember this one thing: there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
If you're in trouble with the wife, the best thing to do is take her to a wife-swapping party. She might be angry for a bit, but inevitably you're gonna get something out of it.
If a girl takes the lead in sex, she's probably a virgin.
If a guy takes the lead in sex, he just wants to get in your pants.
Here's a horoscope for everyone.
Jimmy: Your ass is grass.
Luke: Your ass is grass.
Ryan: Your ass is grass twice.
Oliver: Your ass is grass.
Summer: You've got a perfect ass.
No one likes to hear about my Jewfro.
If you've been friends with a guy for five months and haven't met his girlfriend, you're probably friends with Oliver Trask (in which case get the hell out of there before you end up on the receiving end of a nervous breakdown and a .45).
Some of the things I said may not have applied to you. Some of the things I said may have offended you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: no matter what Marissa says, there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse. None.
by Seth Cohen
Ladies and gentlemen of the Pacific Harbor class of 2005, I have one piece of advice for you...
... No matter what Marissa tells you, there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
None.
Oh, there's kissing in Ryan's poolhouse, but you wanna go farther than that. You want sex, but there's no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
Don't go to parties if you're from Chino. Sure, it seems like a good idea, but when you end up facedown on the ground with blood pouring out of your nose, you're gonna have second thoughts.
If you've met a guy who's sensitive and understanding, he's a gun-toting lunatic.
If you've dumped a guy who turns out to be sensitive and understanding, he's banging your mother.
"What's with those silly ass shoes?"
Now, you know that Ryan didn't commit all those crimes. Trey got in on most of that crap.
Young people of the world, if you run out of the country and see your boyfriend mackin' on some other chick, let it slide. Why spend the next month confined to a hospital bed and whining your way through everyday life?
Chrismukkah -- ain't nothing wrong with that.
No matter what your opinion is, remember this one thing: there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse.
If you're in trouble with the wife, the best thing to do is take her to a wife-swapping party. She might be angry for a bit, but inevitably you're gonna get something out of it.
If a girl takes the lead in sex, she's probably a virgin.
If a guy takes the lead in sex, he just wants to get in your pants.
Here's a horoscope for everyone.
Jimmy: Your ass is grass.
Luke: Your ass is grass.
Ryan: Your ass is grass twice.
Oliver: Your ass is grass.
Summer: You've got a perfect ass.
No one likes to hear about my Jewfro.
If you've been friends with a guy for five months and haven't met his girlfriend, you're probably friends with Oliver Trask (in which case get the hell out of there before you end up on the receiving end of a nervous breakdown and a .45).
Some of the things I said may not have applied to you. Some of the things I said may have offended you. But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing: no matter what Marissa says, there is no sex in Ryan's poolhouse. None.
* * *
A parody of a parody. How sad. I was gonna do the sunscreen song, but I didn't feel like writing that much... and besides, I wanted to use the words "silly ass."
DISCLAIMER: I do not own any rights to "The O.C." If I did, you'd see a lot less Marissa and a whole more Naked!Seth. Chris Rock owns "No Sex (In the Champagne Room)," I think, or else he wrote it or whatever. In any case it isn't mine.