It was a watery day down under. Not in Australia, but in the ocean. The ocean is always wet, not including the times it is dry, but that rarely happens anymore in this day and age. Modern technology has stopped that from happening. If Aquaman wasn't such a shitty super hero, we wouldn't have to be bothered with it, but of course us humans are much more advanced than Atlantians. It's only the way of life. I digress. It was in the ocean where the crack appeared. The crack signified that the GREAT ONE was upon this Earth once more.
Little Jay and Bitch Kidd were the new kids in Forks, Washington. Yes, the new kids. They came all the way from Newark. They were street gangsters, but in reality, they were just kids. Little Jay was actually born in China, even though he was North Korean, and Bitch Kidd was a ginger kid. He was made fun of a lot for it. He was like the black version of Morgan Freemen, except he wasn't as cool and his voice didn't have the power to make women and a select breed of donkey orgasm on demand.
Little Jay and Bitch Kidd were wanna be rappers, but the one thing was, they only had one source of music, and that was of course Barney the Dinosaur. They were both on the show when they were children, and they worshipped Barney as a God. But as we all know, Barney had to be slain due to abducting children and grinding their bones down and selling it on the street passing it off as cocaine. Little Jay and Bitch Kidd were there to witness that as well.
One day at lunch, they were sitting alone, and Little Jay decided to throw his food at the emo kids who sat in the corner all the time. They were really pissy all the time. The one named Edward began crying a lot and banged his head against the wall until his skull was showing. Little Jay and Bitch Kidd laughed really hard at that, then Edward's girlfriend got really pissy and threw her pea soup at them. They got drenched in the warm liquid and went to the bathroom to clean themselves up.
"We will never be great rappers if we stay in this square school." Little Gay said. Bitch Kidd nodded in agreement.
"We need to do something to leave." Bitch Kidd said. Little Jay slapped him hard in the noodle stick.
"You shut up!" Little Jay said in anger and pretentiousness. Bitch Kidd sniffled in sadness and quieted down.
"I decided to go to that beach and Indian Casino down the street." Little Jay said, "I found a book about resurrection. When the Great Crack appears in the ocean, then the time is right for the GREAT ONE to appear. We know who the GREAT ONE is, and it is obviously Barney. When Barney comes back, then we will be taken seriously for once!" Bitch Kidd nodded in agreement.
"How do we summon him though?" Bitch Kidd asked. Little Jay hit him in the kisser.
"Shut the Fuck up I'm talking. Anyway, we summon him by getting the heart of a vampire filling it with crack cocaine." Little Jay informed Bitch Kidd like a child who just stole from the cookie jar. Bitch Kidd scratched his dandruff ridden spaghetti hair in confusion.
"But vampires don't exist!" Bitch Kidd said. Little Jay tapped his chin.
"You're right. We need to improvise." Little Jay said. They stood in silence until Little Jay snapped his fingers and slapped Bitch Kidd.
"Wait a second! We could kidnap one of those emo kids, the Cullens! No one would miss them. They may not be vampires, but they will have to do." Little Jay squealed in excitement. He turned to Bitch Kidd.
"I can find the cocaine, you lure that douche bag Edward Cullen to the beach tonight." Little Jay told Bitch Kidd. He gulped and tugged at Little Jay's sleeve.
"I don't want to do it! I heard that that Bella girl gave him gonorrhea, what if I catch it?" Bitch Kidd gasped. Little Jay slapped Bitch Kidd against the sink.
"Shut the Fuck up. If you catch gonorrhea, you just will have an itchy vagina or something. Now get your plan ready, and I'll get mine."
They split up and met up later that night. Little Jay was standing in front of the ocean and staring out at the vast blue waves. Bitch Kidd hurried along, dragging Edward Cullen's body with him. Little Jay looked really pissed off.
"What the Fuck? I told you to bring him, not kill him!" He screamed angrily. Bitch Kidd trembled.
"I didn't kill him. I told him that there was a party of little girls riding ponies on the beach, and he shook a lot then passed out. I dragged him all the way here." Little Jay slapped him across the cheek.
"Shut the Fuck up!" He said and grabbed his pocket knife. He threw it at Bitch Kidd.
"Rip open his chest and get me the heart." He demanded. Bitch Kidd dug his knife deep inside of Edward's chest and tore it open. He reached in, grabbed the heart and gave it to Little Jay. Little Jay took it and rose it above his head, ready to inject the serum of pure cocaine into the heart, when both of them heard the loud screams.
"Stop dudes!" it screamed. Out from the ocean, riding on the back of all four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, was Captain Planet.
"Captain Planet!" both boys exclaimed, "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Captain Planet rose his hands in the air and shaved off his hair. It wasn't Captain Planet at all, it was Doctor Phil. The boys were dumbfounded.
"What are you two doing?" Doctor Phil asked caringly. Little Jay slammed his foot down.
"We are summoning Barney back to life, so we can become famous rappers and live happily like we did when we were children!" Little Jay cried out. Doctor Phil nodded in understanding.
"What you need to realize," Dr. Phil began, "Is that your childhood is behind you. You need to live in the reality of today, or else you will never fulfill your dreams and became what you want to be. If you don't, then you will be living only in the past, and present opportunities will be lost forever. Barney is dead and gone, but you boys are still here, and you need to make your own lives instead of following a dinosaur's shadow." Both boys were silent for a few seconds and nodded. They hugged each other, crying happily. They were free from the spell the dinosaur held on them.
Doctor Phil held his hand out to the boys and helped them upon the heroes in the half-shells and rode off into the sunrise. A few years later, Little Jay over dosed on Cool Whip and Bitch Kidd became an oil tycoon and legally changed his name to George W. Bush the Third.
And no one pressed charges on them for killing Edward because no one really cared.
End