fandom - Please Save My Earth / Boku no Chikyuu wo Mamotte
title - koku
rating - g
pairing - shion + mokuren
description - Shion teases Mokuren once again, but maybe for a deeper reason he hates to admit…
Disclaimer - Boku no Chikyuu wo Mamotte / Please Save My Earth is one of my loves, but I do not own it.
koku. (grain.)
By miyamoto yui
There's that repulsive woman again. Another person who must exert the fact that they'll take their life for granted.
What do you say to that, Sarjalim incarnate?
I'm such a challenge to your peacefulness, aren't I?
Can you tell me all the answers almighty Kiches? You lived in paradise, didn't you? What else did you learn there besides singing with that serene voice that makes the plants overgrow and ruin the computers all over the base for me to fix?
I'd like to be bored once in a while. Or not, if I have to think more…
As she glances at me across the dining table, I lift up my fork to meet her gaze as the others gab away. She immediately looks away, bowing her head slightly forward to apologize at having invaded my personal space. I let out a little 'heh' as I twirl my fork to play with my food just to have Shusuran roll her eyes at me again.
Enju covers her mouth to politely laugh, which is a momentary sanctuary that interrupts her quiet sorrow. When she swallows her food, she gulps it a bit nervously when she finds Gyoku staring at the long-haired blond whose eyes are trying so hard not stare into mine. Gyoku continues to eat while trying to talk to her, but she nods her head in deep pretend contemplation, confused on what to do with me and not really listening to him. I win again, don't I, Gyoku?
Shukaido continues to talk of medical issues on the base with Hiragi, whose serious poker face never lets you know if any small piece of information ever goes out of season. His head must swell from the information he collects everyday. I wonder if he ever gossips like normal beings.
I continue to eat quietly, but I catch a glimpse of her once more. I stop for a moment to put my elbow on the table and cover my mouth with my palm to look like I'm bored. Shusuran sighs at me. She can't tell what is worse at this point: my arrogant silence behind closed lips or my unrepentant words when I open my mouth. Enju clears her throat, being cordial and friendly as ever. If not, amused to say the least.
As Mokuren takes another glance at me, I wink at her with a smirk.
Juuust to tip her off a bit. I like her reactions since she didn't get out much. They're very…entertaining. It's all done so whole-heartedly that I can't help myself, much to everyone's constant dismay.
The woman turns instantly red and looks down at her food.
Gyoku finally and sharply turns his head my way while I shrug my shoulders. He gives me a hard look to make himself appear so chivalrous.
"Does everything that involves her uncomfortability have to do with me?" I wanna ask aloud, but decide not to.
I resume eating and finish my tray. I get up while everyone is still talking.
They nod to acknowledge that I'm leaving and I'm used to the same routine. I eat very fast and it isn't that I wouldn't stay, but the energy in the dining room is too much for me.
I am used to noise.
I am used to conflict.
I still can't get used to places which let me live 'peacefully' on the outside when there's a well of questions that overflow the more I'm caught in its eerie pace. I don't want to be somewhere bustling, but I don't like it when it's too quiet. I tend to think more than I should at those times.
Until now, I don't know which situation I prefer more.
Inside my room, I start to read what is called 'manga' on KK. They're quite amusing to pass the time with. Whomever made these novels are either very crazy or like to become overindulgent with imagination. I mean, come on…aliens don't look like the humans? What do you call us?
What do you call me? I don't even know what to call myself…
"Shion," I recall Lazlo saying my name and I know I need to take a short nap. I don't truly sleep, you know. But what kind of dream will it be this time? The past or the future?
I don't want to see either, so maybe I'm one of few that just likes to see nothing or static when I close my eyes. Strange, isn't it? Or not.
Yeah, Mokuren, I don't know how to dream. Hope isn't something I like dealing with.
Every time it happens, there is something to take it away. Or a person who will steal it from me before I taste it.
/"I'll give you a kiss…"
I didn't get to smile for you yet./
This is a true being's nature, Kiches: selfishness. And all those things you probably sang back on Paradise, but feel it once in a while. It's kind of nice, so I'm doing you a favor.
For you to know what it means to people like me…
Or to only me.
Maybe I embody that pettiness more than anyone and no one wants to admit to that, like Gyoku.
Everyone has shadows, but no one likes to acknowledge that they're necessary to life…
I lie on the bed and look at the ceiling as I always do. And then I cross my arms over my face to block any possible light coming to my eyes. This darkness is my desolation. And the desert on my eyes are the tears that can no longer be cried.
Maybe I'm no different than when I first went to Shia and met Lian.
I take my arms away and fall asleep. "For a little while…I should ask her to take me back again…"
Now, when I close my eyes, all I can see are her eyes and feel the gentle atmosphere that surrounds me when I'm around her. I don't know what to do with you, Mokuren, but it's best to push you away, like with everyone else.
It'll hurt less this way.
Rustle, rustle.
I blink up to see your face as you put the cloth, our uniform, over my shivering body. You smile at me with tranquility even though your eyes are still a little scared of me. "You forgot this at the dining room," you say to me.
And stupidly, I reach out for your hand. I look away as I say, embarrassed, "I wanna see it again."
She giggles a little while I pout, but before I do anything, she wraps her arms around me. Tighter and tighter, I can hear her heartbeat along with the gentle breeze pushing the waves of grain…the scene of the sun setting into the horizon…and that familiar house…
A warm place. Somehow, this is the place I've always longed for, but can't ever go back to.
I won't tell her that. I'll snap at her for being too compassionate to me when we're done. I can't stand myself because I still don't know if survival meant I had to kill to live while there are those who don't have to murder. "Why me", I want to ask, but that is too trivial and childish to ask.
Later on, like always, I'll go back to the way I am. I will continue to refuse to immerse myself completely within something or someone. And I will deny whatever wants to come to me because I can't accept that share of happiness. It is a gift that I don't even want Sarjalim to give me because I wouldn't even know what to do with it.
I don't know how to recognize it. Maybe it isn't meant for me, after all, Lian…
But this woman keeps on drowning me, letting me become more human than I'll let myself be. Deeper, I go as I fight with all my might to reject her from every part of me.
So, just a little longer, let me stay here, Mokuren, in this greedy delusion, a made-up enjoyable illusion.
A place where you completely, only think of me and nothing else. Not even yourself.
I vividly see that the grains are so dry. They're exactly like me.
I can't cry even if I want to…
I don't know how to call happiness to myself.
I'll feel more guilty if I have it.
…and I wonder if you hear my voice, Mokuren, as you do with all the plants that embrace you so thoroughly. Despite everything, I look like I don't want you to, but I really want you to hear me.
In my mind, will I always be a child waiting for nothing for eternity? Tell me, that isn't true…
Without words exchanged, you draw me closer to you than before.
As if…
As if not letting even one precious, golden speck escape you.
Owari.
-
Author's note - A few years ago, someone had wanted me to write a fic with Shion. (Oh, how I love this man for reasons I can't even name…) I had to do some research because I didn't know how to portray him at the time.
Enjoy!
Love,
Yui
Sunday, October 2, 2005
2:11 AM