"So I need to tell you something." I don't bother lifting my attention from the math problems in front of me and wait for him to continue.
"Haley." Something in the way he says my name makes me nervous. I put the pencil down and raise a questioning eyebrow. "Nathan is awake."
Awake. He said awake. Oh my God. This wasn't going to happen. The doctors told me that. That it may be better to just pull the plug. Let him go. They told me he was already gone. That at this point, that two years later, I was just holding on to false hope. So many people told me it was time. But it was my decision. I am his wife. And I couldn't let him go.
"I'm sorry. Can you say that again? I'm not sure I heard you right." Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating this moment like the hundreds of times I have before. Have I gone so crazy waiting and hoping that my wishful thinking has escaped from just my mind?
"He's awake Hales. Nathan is really awake."
"We need to go see him. Now. I can't drive. I can't think, God I can barely breathe. We need to go. Now."
I grab my purse and slip on my flip flops and practically run to the door. He isn't following me. Doesn't he understand how important this is?
"Do you want me to grab him?" Oh my God Jamie. We need to bring Jamie with us. What kind of mother almost leaves her son?
"No, I think that's too much. I'll call Quinn. She will come over. I don't know what Nathan is going to be like. After all this time. He doesn't even know about Jamie. It's too much."
I can feel the panic rising. What is Nathan going to be like? Will it be like he woke up after just a night of sleep? Will he remember me? Will he remember everything? What will he think of how everything is now? Oh God, will Lucas be there? Yep, that's definitely panic. Nathan is awake. Nathan. is. Awake.
"Haley. Haley, breathe. It's gonna be okay." Chase wraps his arms around me and pulls me close as I try to breath. Nathan is awake. I should be feeling happy. Unbelievably happy. But I just feel terrified.
The drive to the hospital, one that I have done at least once a week for the past two years takes 27 minutes on average. It could be quicker, if I took the bridge, but I never do. Chase knows enough not to take the bridge.
The accident feels like a lifetime ago. Standing on the edge of that bridge screaming for my husband. Begging for help. Praying for anyone to drive by and help me. I didn't want him to jump in. But I knew he would. His uncle was there. Rachel was there. Ugh, just thinking her name makes me want to scream.
It all plays in slow motion. Lucas jumping in after them. Nathan's body washing up on shore. The ambulance showing up after so much time had passed. The pacing in the hospital room. The waiting. The people slowing down with their sad faces to take in the bride on her wedding day. The pity in their eyes surrounding me. All the waiting. I really thought that he would wake up. I thought that doctor would come into the waiting room to tell me that he was fine. That he was going to be just fine.
But things don't ever seem to work out the way I want them too. The doctor did come to the waiting room eventually. To say that there was a complication with the surgery. That they hoped he would wake up. That they weren't sure. We would have to wait and see. So I did. I waited. I waited by his bed for a days. For what felt like forever. He didn't wake up.
I have made this drive countless times over the past two years. I have sat by his bed telling him every detail of my life. Telling him that I love him. I have made this drive so many times. This is the first time in over a year that I have made it with any hope of what I would find when I got there.
"Okay. We're here Hales. Do you want to go in alone?" He knew the answer. I always visited Nathan alone. It was so much easier to pretend that way.
"Yeah. I'll go alone." I swung the car door open ready to run. "Chase." I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Don't go far okay? I don't know what I'm going to find in there. I'm going to need you."
He smiled and gave me an encouraging nod. I knew he would be staying there all day even if I hadn't asked.
"Good luck."
I pushed those doors open and walked the familiar pathway to his room. I've done this so many times. I still don't fully believe that I will find him awake in there.
Room 237. This is it. His room. I wish the door was open. So I could get a glimpse of what I am walking in to. Nathan is awake. An hour ago that was the only information I needed. Now I have a thousand questions racing through my mind. I'm scared. Terrified. My hand is clutching the door knob and I can't turn it. I'm not ready. What if he isn't Nathan? What if the man that woke up is not the same man I remember smiling at me on our wedding day. There was so much talk of his brain function throughout the past two years. What if he's not even in there?
I taste the tears before I feel them. I can't believe that I am crying. I never cry. Not anymore. There is too much to do, not enough time for tears. But here they are. I can't go in there crying. That can't be the first way that he sees me. It can't.
I let go of the door knob and ignore those same pitying eyes of strangers as I bee line to the bathroom. I just need to get a hold of myself. I need to be strong. Nathan needs me.
Okay. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. I know how to do this. I can do this. I wet paper towels and hold them on my face. No more tears. Just breathe.
"Haley?" I don't have to lift the paper towels to know who's voice that is. I shouldn't be surprised that she is here, but I am. She sounds nervous. I guess she should be.
"Peyton."
"Are you okay?" Its a stupid question really. Of course I'm not. I'm crying a hospital bathroom when I should be running to my husbands room.
"No." She nods her head but doesn't move closer. Smart girl. "Have you seen him?"
She shakes her head. Thank God. I couldn't handle if she had seen him before me. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I should be in there right now. I should've been first.
"Um. Lucas is in there now." Shit. "I wanted to give them time alone." Lucas. I don't want to see Lucas.
"Yeah." I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do at all. Of course her and Lucas are here. And his parents will be. And Cooper, maybe even Rachel. His friends. Everyone will be here. Word spreads fast in Tree Hill.
She looks the same, just sadder, than the last time I saw her. It makes sense, it feels like a lifetime has gone by, but it hasn't. Or maybe it has. Because as soon as I walk through that door and see Nathan a new lifetime will begin. I just wish I knew what it was going to be.
I don't say anything else. I just turn around and walk away. I'm ready now. Nathan is awake. He needs me.
Nathan, Don't.
I love you Hales.
Nathannnnn.
I hear those words echoing as I force myself back to his door. I thought those were going to be our last words. They aren't.
237. No turning back this time. I turn the knob, I hold my breath and I push it open.
No Lucas. That's one good sign. His eyes aren't open. That's not a good sign.
Did I dream it? Did my wishes finally make their way into my reality? No. He is awake. Jake told me. Peyton said Lucas was here. He has to be awake.
"Nathan? Nathan, baby open your eyes." Nothing. I grab his hand and draw circles on it like I have everytime before. "Please. Just open your eyes." The tears are back. Guess that trip to the bathroom was wasted. "Nathan." Please. "Nathan." God just open them. "NATHAN."
"He is awake. I talked to him. He is awake." The perfect words coming from the wrong person. He is awake. Lucas doesn't come into the room. Just stands in the doorway staring. I feel Nathan's hand move. Not because I picked it up. Because he moved it. He moved it.
"Nathan?" His beautiful blue eyes flutter open and look at me. He is awake.
Nathan is awake.
"Haley."
"Say it again."
"Haley."
"I never thought that I would hear you say those words again." He smiles.
"I missed you." He always knows what to say to just cut right through to my heart.
"I missed you too. God Nathan I love you. I love you so much. I can't believe – I just never thought- I can't believe I'm talking to you again. You're here. You're actually here." I bury my head in his shoulder and let him hold me as a sob. Being in his arms again is unimaginable. It never felt this good, even in my dreams. I would stay in this moment forever if I could. In this miracle.
"Luke. Come in." Lucas must still be standing there in the doorway. Stuck in the threshold. He has to come in now. Nathan doesn't know anything that's happened in the past two years. Doesn't know how different it all is now. Does he even know how long it has been? Who else has talked to him?
"I don't want to interrupt. I'll come back." I've laid myself down next to him now, cuddled in the bed. I don't want him to interrupt either. But he is Nathan's brother and he needs to be here. I know that.
"No, you should stay." He knows I don't really mean it but comes into the room anyways.
"So, two years, what did I miss?" So he does know. That is a relief. I didn't want to tell him. I don't want to do anything but lay here in his arms.
Neither of us says anything at first. Where do I start? Should I blurt out just moments after being reunited with him that he has a son? That I went through nine months of pregnancy and a painful labor without him? That his son walks and talks and has seen him every week of his life? Maybe I should ease in. There is no script here. So I don't want to say anything. I just want to lay in his arms forever.
"A lot."