What Dreams May Come
By Sequoia Hope
…To die, to sleep –
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause… (III.i.72-76)
– Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Prologue
"What about Elizabeth?" Though her voice was steady, Teyla's disquieted expression seemed to convey that she somehow already knew. John looked away, not responding. A long moment passed, and he felt Teyla wrapping her arms around him, her tears falling silently.
His own heart was going to painful, familiar places, but the city was still adrift in space, and he couldn't afford to lose his focus, not now. But that night, after the city had landed safely with power to spare, he was alone in his darkened quarters when the doorbell rang.
"Teyla?" John saw Teyla standing before him. She looked down, and he saw that she was holding something in her hand.
"I found this in her office. I thought that you should read it." Teyla's voice was quiet as she slowly offered him a torn white envelope. John looked at it apprehensively, then took it without a word. When he looked at Teyla, her eyes revealed a mixture of sorrow and empathy. She placed her hand on his arm gently, then left the room.
John closed the door, and after a brief moment of hesitation, he opened the envelope. He unfolded the single sheet of paper inside, and upon reading the enclosed words, he felt his heart breaking like a dam, and the water was rushing in uncontrollably. He stood up, breathing heavily, and the paper and envelope lay discarded on his bed as he paced back and forth, feeling emotions that he couldn't express about to burst out of control. The next thing he knew, he was staring down at a bloodied fist, and shards of glass lay strewn on the floor as a cold night wind swept in through a broken window.
The shattered pieces of glass came down like a crashing waterfall to the floor of her office, and he vaguely saw her holding her hand up and shouting to the security detail to stand down. He was losing himself, he felt his sense of self slowly drifting away as he later sat alone in his darkened quarters.
Later, she confronted him alone with the bad news. He saw the fear in her eyes, and her voice didn't sound whole, but she didn't break her gaze, nor did she step away from him. Even when he attacked her and she fought his grip, she looked straight into his eyes and didn't flinch. Then he woke up in the infirmary, and he heard her voice first. She walked with him to the Gate, remaining by his side every step of the way on the mission to save his life.
"God dammit," he whispered.
Chapter 1
Nineteen days after Atlantis arrives on New Lantea
John Sheppard sat on one side of a long table, and on the other side were three stoic faces, staring at him impassively. It was the first time that he found himself going head-to-head with the IOA. And he already hated these damn bureaucrats.
"With all due respect, Atlantis willingly cooperated in the Apollo's mission to nuke the Replicator ships, and in doing so, we saved your asses here on Earth." John tapped his fingers on the table, frustration building within him. "Earth's safety, however, came at the expense of Atlantis', because that strike provoked the Replicators to attack our city, and we ended up having to evacuate our planet. During the evacuation, many people were injured, including Dr. Weir, and we were also losing power. In a last-ditch attempt to survive, we were forced to steal a ZPM from the Replicator planet, and it was only with Dr. Weir's help that we escaped with our lives." He leaned forward, his voice unrelenting. "Elizabeth's the reason that you don't have to worry about creepy alien robots blasting this planet to bits right now, and she's the reason that we got off the Replicator planet and our people in Atlantis didn't turn blue in the vacuum of space. If you think that we're not going to try to go back for her after everything she did for us, then you're sorely mistaken."
"In your mission report, however, was it not stated that Dr. Weir sacrificed herself when you and your people attempted to upload the Wraith attack command code into the Replicator central data core, not when stealing the ZPM?" Ambassador Shen Xiaoyi interrogated, her eyes steely.
Crap. "Yes, but –"
"It would appear that your team could have left very quickly after stealing the ZPM, with Dr. Weir, with no trouble at all from the Replicators," British Representative Russel Chapman interrupted. "Yet, your team chose to linger in order to complete a task that was not on the mission's original agenda. It sounds a bit reckless, considering your foremost priority at the time was to save your city and the people in it, was it not?"
"We were in a position where we could turn the Wraith and the Replicators against each other, and as we are sitting here discussing this, the Wraith and the Replicators are kicking each others' asses. We're saving thousands, if not millions of lives in that galaxy. We knew the risks involved –"
"– And you paid dearly for them." The Ambassador's eyes were cold and unsympathetic. "Colonel, it was your people who made a decision that led to her capture, and we fail to see how the IOA should be held accountable for Dr. Weir's loss. What is more, given that you have no viable plan, a rescue mission is out of the question."
"And we cannot forget that Dr. Weir is compromised, given that she is part Replicator," Dr. Natasha Morozov added in a heavy Russian accent. "If her nanites are able to connect to the Replicator collective, even if you were able to find her, she would be a security threat to the city."
"Elizabeth is able to control her nanites, and we can reprogram them to do only what we want," John said, his words not sounding so convincing.
"That is of great reassurance to us." Dr. Morozov retorted.
God, where's Woolsey when you need him? "Leaving her behind is also a security threat to the city. They'll probe her mind for intel, and the longer that we leave her there, the more information they'll be able to gather about us." His mind was in a frenzy. He was running out of arguments.
"But they don't know the current location of Atlantis," Representative Chapman countered. "If you return to the Replicator home world, and you are caught, the Replicators will be able to obtain more valuable information about Atlantis from you than they could with Dr. Weir. It is clearly of greater risk to the city to launch a rescue mission than it is to refrain from one."
"Colonel, you stated in your report that you were against Dr. McKay reactivating Dr. Weir's nanites for the very reasons that you are dismissing now," Ambassador Shen said, her tone accusatory. "It sounds reckless that you would now choose to risk the security of Atlantis merely for one person."
"Yet is it all that surprising?" Representative Chapman muttered. The Ambassador turned her head to glance at him briefly, then turned back to John, her eyes void of warmth.
"And all of this is based on the assumption that she is still alive."
A dead silence fell over the room. A long moment passed before John slowly placed his hands on the edge of the table. His knuckles tightened, and when he spoke, his voice was low and menacing.
"Let me make something very clear. To all of you. Elizabeth is still out there, and there is no way in hell that we are leaving her behind. She is a member of my team, and with or without nanites, as far as I'm concerned, she is a live, human being who is now a prisoner of war." He rose slowly, trying to control his breathing. His eyes burned with inexpressible emotions. "We don't leave our people behind, and I will be damned if I don't get her back."
John shoved his chair away from the table and stormed out of the room, paying no attention to the looks of surprise and disapproval as he slammed the door behind him.
Four days later
The control room was occupied by a handful of technicians and scientists as John walked across the bridge. He spotted Rodney McKay typing away furiously at his computer console, his face strained with intense concentration.
"How's it coming along, Rodney?" he asked as he approached.
"Still working on it," Rodney muttered, not looking away from the screen.
"Just wanted to let you know," John began, leaning against the console, "that the IOA finally gave me their decision. Their answer's no." Upon hearing this, Rodney looked up briefly, then turned back to the screen. John tapped his fingers, then leaned in closer to Rodney. "Look, I asked Carter over a week ago, and getting past her now is our only chance of getting Elizabeth back. I want a status update."
"'Working on it' is the status," Rodney retorted, glaring at John. "Look, there's just a lot of problems to work through, and I'm betting that there are a lot more that I haven't even thought of yet."
"Give me the deets," John demanded.
Rodney sighed loudly, shaking his head in impatience. "First, the Daedalus and the Apollo are both back in the Milky Way and are weeks away from Atlantis, so they can't help right now. Second, the place is going to be swarming with Replicators, and our ARGs definitely won't hold them off for long. How do you expect to search the city without getting captured?"
"Well, you've been working on a new freezing program, right?" John asked. "So can't you freeze them again?"
"The only way for me to do that is if I have direct access to the Replicators' base code or upload the program into a Replicator directly, and I highly doubt that we'll get any volunteers to temporarily turn them into statues," Rodney replied. "And not to mention that we have no idea where to begin looking for her."
"We start in the most likely places," John said. "Maybe the brig or their labs."
"Sheppard, our tracking devices have no way of distinguishing her from the other Replicators, and we have no way of communicating with her," Rodney argued. "You're talking about doing an extensive floor-by-floor search of the entire city. Do you realize how many hours, if not days, it would take to search the place?"
"Yes, Rodney, I'm well aware of that," John replied, his eyes narrowing.
"And that's assuming that the Replicators aren't on our tails trying to kill us at every moment." Rodney turned back to the computer console, his bleary eyes scanning the computer readings once more. "Look, I told you, I'm working on it, but there are so few options available right now, and I need more time."
"We don't have more time," John said, his voice tense.
"You think I don't know that?" Rodney burst out. He looked up at John, his red eyes reflecting exhaustion and frustration. "Look, every single day, I'm racking my brains out trying to figure out how to get her back. It's my fault that she's not here right now, because if I hadn't found that stupid code, we could have left right after we got the ZedPM instead of trying to save the entire galaxy like we usually do. And look where that got us this time." Rodney stopped abruptly, as if a sudden realization had just slapped him in the face. He looked away. "It's my fault that she's not here. I want to get her back, and it hurts so much that I'm stuck and can't figure out how."
John looked at Rodney's strained face, and he sensed that Rodney was in more pain that he was letting on. He sighed and looked down.
"All right," he said, his voice low. "Just keep me posted."
He turned around and began heading out of the control room.
"Sheppard." John stopped in his tracks. Slowly, he turned around to face Rodney again, who was avoiding his gaze.
"I hate to say it, but… what if she's compromised?" Rodney's voice was pained. "You know… what if she's one of them? Maybe… maybe we've already run out of time."
John looked at Rodney, feeling something that he couldn't express building inside of him. His hands clenched into fists, his knuckles tightened, and his eyes felt like they were about to shoot out of their sockets. Suddenly, he changed his mind, and he turned abruptly and headed for a different set of stairs.
"Sheppard?" Rodney sounded alarmed behind him. "Sheppard, where are you going?"
"I'm not waiting any longer," John said, heading up toward the Jumper Bay, taking the steps two at a time.
"What are you talking about?" Rodney sounded bewildered.
"I'm getting her back, Rodney, right now."
"What?! You can't be serious!"
"McKay, what's going on?" John heard Ronon's voice on the flight below him.
"Sheppard's going after Elizabeth," Rodney replied, sounding panicked. "Sheppard, wait!"
By the time the rest of his teammates caught up with him, John had already strapped on a tac vest and grabbed a couple of ARGs, and his mind was racing in anticipation of the next few hours.
"John, what are you doing?" Teyla demanded as she approached him in the Jumper pilot's seat.
"I'm going after Elizabeth," he replied, his attention on the HUD in front of him.
"Sheppard, are you insane?!" Rodney exclaimed. "You can't just stroll in there and expect that they'll greet you with wide open arms and turn Elizabeth over with a simple 'please' and 'thank you.'"
"Rodney has a point," Teyla spoke again, her voice firm. "Without a clear plan, how do you expect to find Elizabeth and escape the planet without being detected or captured by the Replicators? This is reckless, and not to mention, you have not cleared this with Colonel Carter."
"All I need is a couple of ARGs, a life signs detector, and some sheer damn luck," John replied, his voice flat. "I'll improvise as I go along. And to be honest, at this point, I don't really care what she says."
"Isn't your record tarnished enough?" Rodney rebuked.
"Not only is Colonel Carter our leader now, but she is also military," Teyla interrupted. "Whether or not you succeed, this unauthorized rescue mission could very well have severe repercussions on not only your record, John, but also your post here in Atlantis."
"You think that I don't know that?" He turned around slowly in his chair and looked around at his teammates, his eyes hardening. "Look, we've waited too long. The IOA was never going to approve, and I am now kicking myself for not having done this sooner." His voice was uncompromising. "I'm not waiting anymore to come up with a plan for a mission that has its risks one way or another."
"John, we cannot let you do this," Teyla insisted, grasping his shoulders firmly. "Yes, there will be risks, but to attempt a rescue without any sort of plan increases those risks drastically. If you can give Rodney more time –"
"We don't have more time!" John yelled, his eyes enraged. He felt Teyla's grip on him loosen slightly, and her expression turned surprised. He suddenly realized that he had shouted louder than he had intended, and he tried to get his breathing back under control. "And neither does Elizabeth."
"Oh, and I suppose you think you can single-handedly pull this off?" Rodney snapped back. "Who do you think you are, a one-man army against an entire armada of replicating robots?" John looked at him, and then at Teyla and Ronon. He clenched and unclenched his fists, his knuckles turning white.
"Look, you guys are welcome to join me if you want to, or you can stay behind. I'm not gonna blame you for doing so." He looked at his teammates with a fierce expression, as if daring them to challenge him again. "But regardless, I'm going after her." He watched as his teammates exchanged a few apprehensive glances with each other.
"What's Carter going to say when you come back?" Ronon asked, his voice matter-of-fact.
Upon hearing Ronon's words, John tore up the last shred of caution that had hampered him all this time from what he was about to do.
"I'll deal with the consequences once Elizabeth's back in Atlantis," he said, his voice darkly low. "I'm not coming back without her."
There was a moment of silence. Then Teyla lowered her head in resignation, and Ronon gave a small nod of acknowledgement.
"Well, we can't let you do this alone," Rodney said, sounding nervous.
John looked around at his teammates, their faces expressing conflict but determination. He nodded.
"Get your necessary equipment. We're going now."
There was a flurry of movement as his teammates hustled out of the Jumper to get tac vests and ARGs from the armory. John settled back in the pilot's chair, already feeling weary. But then his eyes hardened in determination again, and he kept his mind focused on the only one acceptable outcome of this mission.
"Dial the closest space gate to the Replicator planet," he instructed Rodney when his teammates returned, and he powered up the Jumper. "We'll cloak on the approach."
"On it," Rodney muttered. John looked out the windshield as the Jumper descended into the Gate Room. He caught a glance at Colonel Carter, looking surprised and shouting orders to Chuck, presumably to shut off the Gate and patch a radio signal through to the Jumper. But the Jumper was in control now, and he had deliberately shut off his radio beforehand.
"Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?" John's voice was tense, his mouth dry from lack of water, and he silently cursed the useless device.
"Sheppard… whatever happens, thanks for coming for me."
John looked down at Holland, hearing the exhaustion in his voice, seeing signs of lost hope in his eyes. He looked up around him at the endless sand dunes, and his whole body was fatigued from all the running and the relentless dust and heat. His mind filled with visions of his crashed Apache helicopter, then the old Russian one in which he found Holland, who now lay beside him, saying things that made it seem like he believed he wasn't going to make it.
"Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read? Arclight, this is Roundhouse Zero-Six. Do you read?" Even as he repeated those words like a broken record player, he began to realize that no help was coming, and he was alone with a comrade and friend who lay dying.
"All right," John breathed. "Let's do this." He commanded the Jumper to move forward, and they disappeared through the Gate.