Valentine's Day
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama.
Summary: Hijikata learned a valuable lesson. NEVER EVER accept chocolates from a sadist. No matter how adorable he happens to be. OkitaxHijikata
"Okita-sama! Hijikata-sama!" a swarm of hysterical fan girls flooded the gates of the Shinsengumi headquarters.
"…It's the time of the year again." Hijikata groaned. "I hate valentine's day."
"Who does?" Sougo rolled his eyes. "It's so stupid."
"They do." Hijikata pointed out. Outside, squeals of 'I love you!" Marry me!" and even some X-rated stuff were heard.
"They had all year to come here and give us chocolates…Why do they insist on coming TODAY?" Sougo asked.
"…It's probably a fan girl thing." Hijikata lit a cigarette.
"Maybe if we both go out and face them together then they'll go away." Sougo suggested.
"I'm NOT falling for that one again." Hijikata growled.
"What do you mean Hijikata-san?" Sougo asked innocently.
"Last year you said the same thing. But when we got to the gate you ditched me and I was mugged by millions of screaming fan girls." He said through gritted teeth. "REMEMBER?"
"Hm…nope." The sadist shrugged.
"I was HOSPITALISED." Hijikata reminded him bitterly.
"Oh yeah…I remember now." Then he smirked in a sexy Sougo-ish kinda way. "That was funny."
"ARGH!!" Hijikata furiously pounced on him and began attempted to strangle him. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TRAMA IT CAUSED ME?"
"I…don't…care…" Sougo began to pull his hair. "Get off Mayora!"
They were too busy killing each other to notice that the door had slid open and their gorilla-like commander had walked in.
"TOSHI!" Kondo shouted in horror. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Huh?" They both looked up. "We're killing each other." They said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh…" Kondo blushed. "Nevermind. Since you were in a misunderstanding position I thought that…"
"KONDO-SAN!" Hijikata spluttered. "I'M NOT…we're not…!"
"Are you sure?" Sougo asked. He received the 'glare', and took zero damage. "Anyway, where have you been Kondo-san?"
"I successfully gave Otae-san my chocolate and she accepted." He announced proudly.
"…" Sougo stared at him skeptically. "Is that why you're covered in bruises?"
"No!" Kondo protested. "These are…mosquito bites."
"…" Hijikata raised an eyebrow. "What's that sticking out of your pocket? Isn't that the chocolate that you were going to-"
"WHY CAN'T ANYONE LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE?" He wailed and started to sob.
Hijikata and Sougo looked at each other and sighed.
"Don't worry Kondo-san." Sougo patted his back. "She's probably just playing hard to get."
"Really?" he sniffed.
"Sure of it." Hijikata said unconvincingly.
"I knew it!" Kondo beamed. "I'm going to send her flowers to remind her of my deep love for her!"
Then he skipped out of the room like a complete fool.
Sougo and Hijikata stared after him. "I don't want to be here when she dumps him." Hijikata muttered.
"Me neither."
There was an awkward silence between them.
"…Well?" Sougo asked.
"…Don't ask me."
"How about we send Yamazaki out?"
After they sent Yamazaki to the hospital for mental trauma, burns and a several broken bones they found themselves once again sulking in the confining room.
"Any more bright ideas?" Hijikata asked sarcastically.
"…We could tell them that we're gay."
Hijikata choked.
"NO. There are three reasons why that won't work. One, NO. Two, NO. Three, NO!"
"Why not Hijikata-san? You like me don't you?"
He choked on…more air.
"WHAT?!"
"I'm just joking. There's no need to react like that…"
"Teme…"
"Unless you really do like me."
"I'M NOT GAY!" Hijikata snapped. "Besides, I heard somewhere that girls these days find that kinda stuff hot."
"…" Sougo raised his eye brows. "They find it…what?"
"Don't make me repeat it." Hijikata growled.
"Well…We could say that we're gay with each other and that we need time alone."
"…stop it Sougo. You're freaking me out."
"You're right. That would only cause major nose bleed."
"…"
"And I saw quite a few guys in the crowd. That might give them some ideas."
"…"
Sougo sighed and slumped against the door. "It's not fair. I'm giving all the suggestions. It's your turn now."
"What do you want me to say?" Hijikata sighed, looking equally defeated.
The younger boy shrugged and peeked out of a small hole made into the sliding paper door. "They're still there…"
"We could just wait…" Hijikata looked at his watch. "Only nine more hours until this wretched day ends."
"Your suggestions suck." Sougo declared.
"…Shut up."
5 minutes later…
"Only eight hours and fifty five minutes." Hijikata said unhelpfully.
"We could just kill them all." Sougo said seriously.
"…No Sougo we can't just kill them all."
"Why not?"
"…are you for real?"
"I think so."
"…While you're at it go jump off a cliff."
"Die Hijikata."
"Die Sougo."
"Die Hijikata."
"Die Hiji-, I mean Sougo."
"…I win."
10 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"What?"
"How about we just…get drunk or something?"
"We're on duty." Hijikata said.
"We're supposed to be on duty." Sougo corrected him.
"Same thing."
15 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"What?"
"I'm bored."
"So am I."
"…"
"…"
20 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"…"
25 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"…"
"Hijikata-san."
"…"
"Hijikata-san."
"…"
"Hijikata-san."
"…"
"WHAT?"
"Nothing."
30 minutes later…
"Hijikata-"
"SHUT UP!"
35 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"SOUGO I SWEAR IF YOU FUCKING-"
"I like you."
"…"
"…"
"…What?"
"Nothing."
40 minutes later…
"Hijikata-san."
"What?"
"Nothing."
45 minutes later...
"Hijikata-san."
"Sougo, if you don't shut up, I am going to kill you."
"Hijikata-san."
"…You're getting on my nerves."
"I know."
50 minutes later…
"I know a song that gets on you nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves; I know a song that gets on your nerves, it goes like this! I know a song that gets on you nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves; I know a song that gets on your nerves, it goes like this!
I know a song that gets on you nerves, gets on your nerves, gets on your nerves; I know a song that gets on your nerves, it goes like this!"
"…Fuck you."
55 minutes later…
"Maybe we should just get drunk."
"Yeah."
"OKITA-SAMA!" screamed the fan girls. "HIJIKATA-SAMA."
A random troop member staggered into the room. "Hijikata-Fukuchou! Okita-Taichou! Their army is expanding…we cant…hold…them…back…much…longer…" he collapsed dramatically onto the floor.
"Let's kill them all."
"No Sougo. No."
"We could go back to the gay idea."
"NO!"
"Fine then. We can sit here and get RAPED."
"…"
"Or we could escape from the back door."
"…We have a back door?"
"Yup."
"Since when?"
"Since…forever."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"…I dunno. It was fun annoying you."
"I hate you."
"I love you too."
12 am in the Shinsengumi headquarters…
"FINALLY." Hijikata collapsed on his futon. "IT'S OVER."
He reached out, expecting to find his mayonnaise-bottle shaped pillow but instead found something harder. He sat up, and glanced at it; it was a box of chocolates. It was a…pink box of chocolates. It was a pink box of chocolates from Sougo. He jumped away from it, expecting it to explode. But to his surprise, it didn't. He held it cautiously in his hands, and opened it. A short white note fluttered out of it and onto his lap.
'Dear Hijikata-san,
This does not mean that I will stop trying to kill you.
-Sougo'
Hijikata thought it was rather, dare he say sweet. Who knew that the sadist could be so…tsundere? Then, he saw the tiny, barely legible message scrawled underneath it in red.
'P.S, Hope you had a happy Valentines day, for this will be your last. 5, 4, 3, 2…'
Then it exploded.
That day, Hijikata Toushiro learned a valuable lesson. NEVER, EVER accept chocolates from sadists, especially if the sadist in question was damn adorable and named OKITA SOUGO.
END.
...I'm so sorry that it was so demented and random. Oh well :D