It had been a very rough couple of months. I must have lost at least fifteen pounds due to my nonexistent appetite. I'm not sure exactly how much I have lost. I hadn't been counting. I have bigger losses to worry about than my weight. Charlie often brings home smoothies in order to get some sort of nutrition in me. It helps with the appetite issue...but nothing can numb the huge hole that had been punched through my chest - which flares up at random points and burns on the edges. I often find myself hunched over in a ball with my hand clenched over my chest in an attempt to stop the pain.
Tonight was no exception. I woke up twice screaming in agony. I had been dreaming about him, again. I dreamt that I saw him from afar. I couldn't see his face and I couldn't hear him, but it was definitely him. He had his back turned towards me and he was slowly walking away...away from me...from us...from everything we had ever shared together. "Edward!" I screamed. He just continued to walk in the opposite direction, as if he hadn't heard me...or was hatefully ignoring me. "Edward, please! I'm begging you!" I started to sob hysterically. "I love you!" Still, he made no notice to my pleas. In that moment, he walked directly into a blinding light and disappeared. He was gone, and there was nothing I could say or do to bring him back.
I woke up screaming. My chest was raised in agony and my hands were balled up into fists. The hole in my chest burns the most whenever I wake up. Seeing him in my dreams and waking up only to realize Edward is truly gone forever is a cold reality to sink into. Tears streaming down my face, I rolled over and checked the time. 3:45 am. A few months ago, Edward would have been lying right next to me at this exact moment, watching me in awe as I slept. Now I was alone, and Edward no longer held any sort of desire to see me, let alone be with me. I was a plague that had forced itself on to his family...my family. "I deserve this" I thought to myself. "How could I have been so stupid as to think he could ever actually want to keep me? I'm nothing but human. Nothing". I curled up into a ball and allowed the pain to wash over me.
I felt a cool breeze whip around my room. It felt good. The beads of sweat on my forehead from the nightmare welcomed it. "Bella". I whipped my head around towards my window and curled my arms up toward my chest in a startled reaction. Through my water-logged eyes, I squinted toward the windows. As soon as my vision cleared up, my heart dropped to my stomach. I couldn't believe my eyes. I had to take several double takes to ensure I was seeing who I thought I was seeing. It was Edward. "Oh, no...no, no, no. I'm still dreaming" I thought to myself. My eyes started to tear up. I wanted so bad for this to be real. I knew it wouldn't be long until I truly woke up. All I could do was stare at him - take in every beautiful detail of his face, his hair, his eyes...I didn't want to miss a second of this. He could vanish into thin air at any given moment. It seemed so surreal, however. He was exactly how I had remembered him. His perfect facial structure, his velvet voice that chimed like a bell, the glimmer that bounced off his skin in the moonlight...
My dream Edward raised his hands in what seemed like hesitation. Well...that was odd. Usually the Edward I dream about wants nothing to do with me, but this Edward seemed to care about my shock in seeing him again for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. It was as if he didn't want to scare me, or hurt me any further than he already had. I felt the breeze again, but this time it felt different. Rougher. More natural. That's when it hit me. The breeze I originally felt was from Edward swooping up through my window. I could feel it. It was chilly and made me shiver. This was absolutely real. "E-Edward?!" I breathed. This was too much for me. I had cried myself to sleep for months over this guy. I had endured countless nightmares and constant reminders of his abandonment, and yet here he was, standing in my room. I had longed for this to happen, but had never once contemplated as to what I would do if it actually did happen. I didn't think it would. "Yes, love".
I started to hyperventilate. Anything I say or do wrong could send this wonderful person away from me faster than I could possibly imagine. I had to go about this perfectly. I got out of bed and slowly approached him. I raised my hand toward his face. I couldn't keep it still. It was trembling uncontrollably. I stroked his cheek...his lips...combed my fingers through his tousled hair. I opened my mouth to execute the perfect "I love you/take me back" speech and started babbling like an idiot instead. "What?! I...but you said?! What are you..." I clutched my hand up to my chest in reaction to my frantically beating heart. It felt like I was going to pass out from the immense shock. Edward pulled me into a fierce hug. He started to rub my back and rock me. "Shhhh, shhhh. Bella, shhh. It's okay. I'm here" This hadn't calmed me down. My heart was still racing at a thousand miles per hour. This embarrassed me, because I knew he could hear it. It didn't matter if he was here. He probably came back out of guilt and just wanted to tell me he was sorry for leaving me in such a hurry. Clear the air...and his conscience. But I knew this wouldn't last forever and that I would suffer all over again.
"Bella". I looked up into his coal black eyes. He hadn't been eating, either. In fact, now that I got a really good look at his face, I noticed that the shadows under his eyes were a deep purple and that his hair stuck out and awkward angles. He looked like a complete wreck. He looked even worse than me, and I was the human one. I thought this was what he had wanted? "There are no words I could say to undo what I did to you" He looked down into my eyes and caught a tear that was rolling down my cheek. "I had no idea the impact my leaving would do to you emotionally" I gave him an appalled look. 'Emotionally'? My heart throbbed in protest. I could think of other ways it had affected me. "I'm really sorry, Bella. Leaving you was by far the most idiotic thing I have ever done. I understand if you don't want to forgive me. But I can only hope that you can find it somewhere in your heart to see it from my point of view". My anger with him drifted into instant confusion. I tried to reply, difficult as it was, through my hyperventilation and tears. "But what you said in the w-woods? You said you didn't w-want - " At this, he interrupted me. I was most grateful for this. Not only did I not want to further embarrass myself with my sobbing, but I also wanted to hear as much of his perfect velvet voice that he would allow me to hear. "I lied" This caught me off guard. He lied? For the past couple of months, I had been living with the idea that he wanted nothing to do with me. I was convinced that he hated me and regretted ever having anything to do with a worthless human such as myself. "I love you, Bella Swan. I left because I love you. I wanted you to be safe - to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. When I said you could go on 'without any interference from me', I meant without any more incidents of danger because of me. James biting you, Jasper attacking you on your birthday..." Edward flinched at the memories, as did I. "None of that would have ever happened if I had never come into your life". Everything suddenly made sense. Edward loves me. He had never stopped loving me. He never wanted to leave in the first place, but only did so in an attempt to keep me safe. Stupid, over-protective vampire. "I just still can't believe you're here" I said as I stared into his eyes. Edward smiled the crooked smile that I had always loved. He leaned down and kissed me. His hands cupped the sides of my face as he kissed me more passionately than ever before. He let go of my face and stared lovingly into the eyes. "Bella Swan, I will beg on my knees if I have to. I will do anything it takes to earn you back. I don't deserve you" I had to process that for a few moments. How could he honestly think that he doesn't deserve me? A fragile, useless human. Edward must have taken my brief silence as rejection, because his next sentence almost sent me into a frantic state of haywire. "But, if you don't forgive me, I understand. I'll leave, if you'd like. I'm sorry I bothered you" He started to back away towards the window. I grabbed his wrist in a feeble attempt to stop him, but only ended up being pulled along myself. He didn't seem to notice that I was trying to stop him, as he was a bazillion times stronger than me. Only when I spoke up did he notice my silly attempt to halt him in his tracks. "No, no! Please don't!" I blurted out. He turned around and stared at me. "I need you". Edward smiled in response. "I'm not going anywhere. I will stay by your side as long as you want me to" My heart jumped at this promise. "Even if it's forever?" Edward reached out and held my hands. It made me jump. My memories of him hadn't done him justice. I had forgotten how cold he was. It felt like an electric current briefly traveled between us. "Now and forever".
I contemplated his response. I wanted to ensure that nothing like this could ever happen again. "You forgot Laurent". Edward looked up at me in surprise. "What was that?" he replied - curiosity filling his eyes. "When you said that both James and Jasper had attacked me, you forgot about Laurent" He looked very confused and angry at the same time. Clearly, he hadn't heard anything about the incident in the meadow where Laurent had tried to kill me. I hesitated with my response first - not wanting to ruin the moment with news that yet more vampires wanted to kill me - but in the end, I simply blurted out the truth. "Last month, I took a walk to the meadow" I flushed in embarrassment. "To be honest, I missed you, and the meadow was the only part of you that I had left". Edward cringed at this fact. The guilt he felt was blatant on his face. I continued on with my story in an attempt to change the subject. "When I got there, I ran into Laurent. He started rambling on and on about 'an eye for an eye' and told me that Victoria thought it would be fair if he killed me because you killed James". A deep growl rumbled in Edward's chest. His hands balled up into fists and he literally started to tremble with anger. He took a step towards me and pulled me into an embrace. "I'll kill him. I'll rip him apart limb from limb. Bella, I should've been there" I buried my face into his chest. "It wasn't your fault" He seemed to let that comment slide. Normally, he would have protested, but like me he didn't want to ruin our reunion. He hugged me for several moments, only to be interrupted when he suddenly pulled me away from him at arms length and looked me straight in the eyes. His face was grave and serious. "Do you know where he is? Did he hurt you? How is it that you're still alive?" He cringed at even the thought. I looked up at him and gave him an honest answer. "It's okay, Edward. He's gone. Are you familiar with werewolves?" Edward let go of me and walked over to my window. His gaze turned empty as he looked up at the moon, as if he was pondering a distant memory. "Yes. I'm aware of the quileute tribe, if that's what you mean" Okay, that was good. It would have been quite the awkward conversation to try and explain to Edward that my best friend could transform into a massive, deadly wolf. "They saved me. Like five of them" Edward seemed a bit less agitated knowing that Laurent was no longer a problem. "But that doesn't mean I'm safe. I'll never be safe as long as I'm human. Victoria wants me dead, Edward. She's not going to stop until she gets her wish". He snarled at the thought. "She'll never touch you". I rolled my eyes in response. This argument was getting pretty old. "We can't know that. I'm afraid, Edward. Every where I look, I worry that she'll find me" Edward started pacing the room. "You want me to change you" I looked up at him and gave him the most serious face I could give, considering I was still in disbelief that he was actually here, standing in front of me and speaking to me as if he planned on staying with me. "Please" was all I could think of in reply. Edward paced a few more times across the room and stopped in front of me. "Seeing as if I'm never going to win this dilemma with you, and I don't want to argue with you any further about it, I don't see any other options here. Besides, it's the least I can do for you after what I did". I stood there stunned. I half-expected him to bite me right there, but Edward knew better than to wake Charlie up in the middle of the night with my ear-splitting shriek. Humans weren't exactly the best audience for a vampire transformation.
Suddenly, he scooped me up on to his back and flew out the window. He landed gracefully on our front lawn and started running. I had forgotten how fast vampires were. The trees whipped past us at blinding speed. Houses and cars sped by in a blur of light, and before I could even process where we were, he slowed to a jog down the path leading up to his house. He set me down gently on the front steps and led me inside. Seeing his house lit up and obviously occupied made me instantly feel unwelcome and uneasy. Would Edward's family feel the same about his decision to come back to me? Would they think I had some how manipulated him into taking me back? What if they told me to "get out" the moment I stepped inside? Edward opened the door and led me inside.
"Bella!" Of course, it was Alice who was first to greet me. She danced up to me and scooped me up into a back-crunching hug. "A-Alice...gentle...ow". She immediately set me back on my feet and gave me a sheepish smile. "Sorry, Bella. I had forgotten how fragile you are". My heart ached at that comment. Of course, she had forgotten. She and her family had been gone a long time, leaving me behind to endure the long, dark tunnel that was my life without Edward. I couldn't dwell on that fact though. He had only left in an attempt to protect me. I couldn't hold that against him. The rest of Edward's family started to converge. I was relieved to see that they looked pleased to see me. "I've decided to give Bella what she wants. I am going to change her...tonight" This, they were not expecting - except possibly Alice. No decision could get past her. I wasn't expecting this, either. I had no idea that when Edward had agreed to change me, he would go about his promise in a quick and timely manner. "Are you sure that is what you want, Bella?" said Carlisle. He looked at me with cautious eyes. I started to quiver with the realization that pain was just a few short moments away. "Yes, I'm s-sure". Carlisle didn't look convinced with my answer, but then turned away. "Than I see no reason why not". I took in all their faces. Their emotions were mixed with fear and excitement. Jasper must have been feeling this moment more intensely than anyone else - as he had the emotions of seven different people to take in.
Edward took my hand and led me to the living room. "I don't want to prolong this any further, love. If this is what you want, than I'll give it to you" I just nodded at him numbly. I was trying my best not to think about how much it was going to hurt. He offered his hand toward the couch. "It'd be best if you lied down". I followed his advise and lied down. Edward bolted up the stairs to Carlisle's office and was back before I could even blink. I closed my eyes and started to take deep breaths. If I hadn't, I would have been hyperventilating by now. Edward could clearly see how scared I was - probably by reading Jasper's mind - and started to caress my hair. "Love, you don't have to do this. Just say the word and -" My eyes fluttered open and I stared at him in shock. "No, no. I want this" I gave him my wrist and closed my eyes tight. "Just bite me". It was silent for several moments and still I felt no pain. I opened my eyes, confused, only to find Edward nodding towards Carlisle. He turned his attention back towards me. "Love, I don't want to bite you. It seems a bit...heinous...and unnecessarily painful. I had this stored up in Carlisle's office because I knew this moment would come sooner or later" He held up a clear syringe. It's contents swirled around like thick water. I realized instantly that it was his venom. Of course, Edward would want this transformation to be as painless as possible for me...even if he could only save a few moments of discomfort. "Okay, that's better, I guess". Once again, I held out my wrist. "Okay...go ahead" I tried to distract myself with any thought other than the imminent pain I was about to face any moment. "I love you" he whispered. It sounded practically inaudible. The panic that was going on inside my head caused me to feel like I was in some sort of foggy fishbowl. Everything seemed distant and muffled. I shut my eyes so tight that everything turned yellow behind my eyelids. I felt a sharp pinch in my wrist, followed by a scorching fire.