33 Days After
Elsa
Elsa stood outside of the room and waited. What would she say? How could she make any of this better? She looked at the splintered wood around the door frame and her head started to race. She spent years and years behind a locked door with Anna begging to come in. The tables have so quickly turned. With a deep breath, she decided that any words were better than none.
"Anna?" She gave the door a light push and she walked into the dusty room.
"Anna?" Elsa's voice reverberated through the large bedroom as she made a mental note to speak a bit quieter. The deep scarlet of the walls was no longer comforting and regal like it was when they were children. It was still powerful, but now, they seemed so daunting; taller, even. As if they could swallow someone up whole.
Tenderly, Elsa approached the four poster bed that Anna had been lying in for weeks. Only a small tuft of Anna's red hair could be seen from where Elsa was standing. Anna had pulled the pillows over her head and had curled up into herself.
Elsa gingerly reached out to touch the mountain of blankets and pillows. She rested her hand on what she hoped was her younger sister's shoulder. With a deep breath, she whispered, "Anna, you should get up. It's beautiful and sunny outside." Forcing a chuckle, she added, "Or if you don't like the sun, I can whip up a storm?"
Nothing.
"We could go ice skating or we could just take a look around the castle. You don't even have to talk. I just want to see you get out of this room. Sitting in here all day can't be good for you."
The only response Anna gave was a shuffle of sheets, as she pulled herself tighter into her cocoon.
With a sharp sigh, Elsa continued. "Anna, it's been weeks. I know you're hurting, but this," she cried with a sweep of her arm, "isn't you. Remember when you'd sprint through the hallways? Remember when you used to sing?"
Anna's arm appeared for a moment as she pulled the pillow around her head, sinking lower into her nest.
Elsa wanted to take that hand and rip her from the bed. She wanted to kick and scream, yell and toss a complete fit. Somehow, she kept her soft demeanor. Standing up from the bed, she walked across the room to a window, pulling the curtain away and letting some much-need sun inside. Her heart only dropped as she watched the dust particles swirl in the beam of light.
Turning back to the bed, she tried to coax Anna into the light.
"I'm worried about you, Anna! So is Kristoff. Why won't you talk to him? He loves you, Anna. He's hurting too."
The lightest sob emitted from the assortment of bedding. Elsa noticed a gentle shaking as Anna cried beneath.
Elsa swallowed as her eyes began to well up. Again, she walked over to the bed and put her hand on a post, running her fingers over the deep ridges in the column. Her voice was quiet as she uttered endearingly, "We lost so many years, Anna, but I'm asking you to let me be your sister right now. I know all about shutting people out. It will only make you feel more miserable."
Elsa took a risk and pulled the edge of a blanket toward her, uncovering Anna's sallow face. Anna didn't fight for the blanket back; instead she stared at the opposite walls. The light didn't reach her eyes like it used to when she loved to play and jest.
Taking a chance, Elsa climbed into the bed with her, and cautiously reached to touch Anna's hair. She fumbled with the mess of tangles before tracing her index finger across Anna's forehead. She remembered when Anna was just a baby and she'd doodle lazy circles on her cheeks to put her to sleep. "Anna – I," Elsa stumbled, "I want you to know that I'm here for you. Do you need to cry? I haven't seen you cry since the funeral. Do you want to scream? I can scream with you. We can stand on this bed right now and scream at the heavens. We can light a fire and eat a pound of those chocolate that you like, if it would help you. Just tell me, Anna, and I will do whatever it takes. I miss you."
Anna only blinked, allowing a single tear to slide down her nose and land in a dark spot on her pillow. Elsa noticed that her blue eyes weren't like the deep and mysterious like the ocean any longer. They were pale, like a storm cloud, swimming with depression and nightmares.
"I'll let you rest," Elsa whispered, standing up and walking toward the door again. With every step that Elsa took from the bed, she was filled with regret. "I'm here for you. We're all here for you, Anna."
Elsa was through the door and in the hallway when she heard a quiet murmur from Anna's room.
"You don't know."
Elsa stumbled as she turned around and sprinted back into the room. "You talked! Oh, Anna. What did you say?"
With great effort, Anna pulled herself into a sitting position and looked in Elsa's direction. Her hair was dull and unwashed and she had terrible dark pits beneath her eyes. Elsa almost didn't recognize her voice as Anna croaked, "You said that you know that I'm hurting. And there is no way that you could possibly know how much."
She seemed so calm, but her words stabbed her older sister like a sharp knife. Elsa clasped her hands together as she searched for words, "Of course I don't. I just meant that we're hurting with you. Oh, Anna. I didn't mean it that way."
Anna's feet were suddenly visible as she threw her blankets back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Elsa tried to stifle a gasp as the scent of old sweat and dirt suddenly hit her.
"No one knows, Elsa!" Anna spat, rising from the bed using one of the posts to support her weight. The action caused her to breathe fairly heavily as she continued, "Mother and father died! I reached for you and I was rejected. You were the only person that I had left. You didn't talk to me for years and then mother and father died and my whole family was just… gone! I was all alone, Elsa. I had no one."
Elsa was perplexed as Anna doubled over, in a sudden coughing fit. The queen approached her sister to wrap an arm around her, but it was quickly broken as Anna slapped her hand away, screeching, "Still! That-that still could not have prepared me for this. Nothing could have ever prepared me for this. And with this, Elsa, I'm not alone! I wish I could be alone because everyone looks at me and they pity me! And I know that Arendelle is hurting with me, but I can't face them." Anna's legs seemed to collapse beneath her as she fell to the floor and leaned against the side of the bed, her neck craning backwards as she cried. Her fists grasped the corner of one of her blankets so hard that her knuckles began to pale. "I can't even look at my own husband, Elsa! I can't look at him, let alone speak to him!"
"A – Anna, calm down. We can work through –"
"NO." Anna shrieked. "I can't calm down. I can't calm down because I carried a life inside of me for the better part of a year and I had to sit and watch it fade away. I can't calm down because the only time I got to hold my baby was when she was taking her last breaths. I can't calm down because I will never know what color her eyes were. I just… can't!" Anna was fully on the floor now, curling up into herself again as sobs shook her frail body.
Elsa stood and watched from across the room, trying to be strong and failing. She wanted so much to walk over and hold her sister in her arms. To kiss her head, braid her hair and make her magic like she so often did when they were kids. She could only watch as Anna, broken, lay sobbing on the floor.
After many minutes, Anna reached up and wiped the tears off of her face with the corner of the dingy blanket.
"Elsa," she stuttered, "I-I stay in here because I can't… I can't be Anna anymore. I can't jump and run and play like I used to because I should be singing lullabies and nursing a sweet, precious baby. I can't be me without that sweet little girl that I only got to hold for a few hours. I can't sleep, I can't eat. There is nothing that I can do without thinking of her, Elsa! And God, when I think about her, I think about Kris. You saw her perfect blonde hair, she looked just like him. I cannot calm down and I cannot be myself and if you don't mind, I'd rather spend my time in here alone rather than in the middle of Arendelle where everyone looks at me like I'm some kind of failure."
Violently shaking her head, Elsa tried to approach her sister again. "Anna, you are not a failure."
"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT?" Anna roared, pulling herself up to her feet once again. Standing alone, she looked like a mad woman. With a sort of hop, she travelled across the room and forcefully shut the curtains. The room grew dim again and Anna began pacing across the cold floor before she uttered something vile. "You don't have a husband or a child! How can you say that I'm not a failure when you have never known this kind of hurt? HOW? What have you lost? You're the Queen! You've can LITERALLY control the weather. What have you ever lost, Elsa?"
Elsa wanted to argue. She wanted so badly at that moment to spit in her sister's face, but she knew from experience that broken hearts can say hurtful things. She heard then heard her father's voice in her head. Conceal, don't feel. With her heart pounding and tears pooling in her eyes, she turned away from her sister, "I lost you."
"That is nowhere close to what I am feeling, Elsa!"
"You – I…" Elsa began, searching for words and trying to stay composed, "You are wrong, Anna. I am sorry that you're hurting. I hate that you're hurting. God, if I could change all of this, I would in a heartbeat. But I can't. And no, I don't know exactly what your hurt feels like. But I know what it feels like to lose someone that means the world to you."
"God, Elsa! Get out," the princess exclaimed, walking slowly back to her bed.
"No, just listen to me! I will leave you alone, but you are going to listen to me before you waste your life away alone, in this room."
Anna's demeanor changed slightly. She seemed to stand a little straighter before climbing back into her bed. Being the Queen of Arendelle did teach Elsa a thing or two about demanding attention. She turned and walked to the door, standing beneath the familiar frame as she again, attempted to reason with her heartsick sister. "I lost so many years with you. I didn't get to see my favorite person grow up and that's because I was so afraid that I locked myself in a room for years. I don't want that to happen to you. So much has been taken away from you, Anna, but that doesn't mean that you have nothing to live for. Open your eyes."
Elsa's fingers grazed the wall as she walked out of the room, not even bothering to close the door behind her. She turned and walked down the hall where Kristoff was waiting near the staircase. He ran his hand through his blonde locks and didn't even try to hide the redness in his eyes.
"She hates me," Elsa muttered, slinking to the ground to sit next to him on the first step.
"She talked to you," he replied, taking her hand and giving it a friendly squeeze. There was a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "She hasn't talked in weeks. You opened the door, Elsa."
Thank you for taking the time to read. I'm new to Frozen FF, but adore the story. This story is about infant loss, depression and finding light when you think that there is none. I would love it if you'd take a moment to review and tell me how I'm doing. Or if there is anything you'd like to see. Most of my chapters are outlined already, but I am always willing to take suggestions.