ONE
THE NIGHT AIR WAS CRISP,
sending ripples over the clothes I`d been wearing. My body tense, tangerine curls tangling in the wind, blinding me now and then as I looked down from the rooftop of the old library.
I was several stories up, balanced on the ledge. With a single step I would fall to the cobblestones that were calling my name, begging me to join the earth beneath, and be free.
The fear had been ebbing away at me for so long. Fear of not only the monsters lying outside the walls, but fear of not being able to take the place of my mother and avenge her death. I wanted so badly to destroy the monsters that had taken her and Henry from this world. I thought of their smiling faces, kissed with freckles and framed in fair, orange strands of hair.
I remember the day when Henry left to join the Scouting Legion. He wanted so much to be like our mother. He was filled with contempt when it came to the titans, though our mother had gone hurdling into battle of her own free will.
I grimaced every time I thought of the fear he must have felt in his heart as he was about to be swallowed. I didn`t want to know his expression, but my mind managed to mold it into an image for me.
I ran my hand over my chest, feeling the muted beats of my heart beneath my jacket. Somewhere between the two was my brother`s badge from his days in the training corps, embroidered swords had been carefully stitched into the lining of my own jacket.
I`d lost half of my family to them.
My father tried very hard to convince me from enlisting, but in the end it was futile. He had been lucky enough to land a spot among the Military Police. But I couldn`t stay there, trapped in a pen like an animal, cowering in fear of the very beings that tore my family away from me. I longed to be cold, to be numb and no longer mourn the past, but I was too warm blooded for any of that.
Henry had always said our father was a coward for joining the Military Police. Of course, I always wondered if my father truly wanted this life. I wanted to believe that my father was a hero, that he had chosen the safe path in order to raise Henry and I. The subject had never been mentioned before our mother`s death, and I tried to convince myself that Henry just wanted someone to blame.
I wasn`t considered a hero when I`d chosen the same path as Henry. I was an idiot. No one believed I would survive because I was often fickle and distant minded.
I felt my feet growing cold in the dark, pressed against the cement. I was wearing my boots, but they felt exposed, my toes turning numb.
Perhaps my blood was cold after all. My wish had been granted.
At least this way, I would die in peace, instead of rotting in the stomachs of one of them.
Instead of falling like my loved ones.
I closed my eyes, letting myself tip forward over the ledge of the town`s library, free falling into the night, hurdling towards the cobblestone street below, devoid of civilization in the dark hours of the night.
But to my horror, I did not hit the ground. I was gripped by the ankle, pulled into the air. I hung upside down, like a bat on a tree.
I gathered my surroundings. I could still see the street below, dim lamps lining the buildings of homes and businesses. Had I already died?
No, my eyes came into contact with the hollow eyes of a giant. His green spread, revealing large, white stars set in a massive jaw. I could feel my bladder about to explode in fear of what was unfolding before me.
"No!" I shrieked, "This isn`t what I wanted!"
Protests were useless, as the beast could not comprehend, and if it was intelligent enough to understand me—it didn`t care. I was lifted above the open mouth, watering with desire to crush my toothpick bones between it`s pearly whites. I held my breath as I was released, feeling my stomach drop as I fell down into the darkness that was the titan`s throat, feeling my head spin and my body tilt as if I were doing backwards flips.
I SHOT UP FROM WHERE I`D BEEN LYING,
A cold sweat formed on my forehead. It was a nightmare, a horrible dream from which I didn`t think I could recover.
"Greta?" I looked up at Krista, who had her fingers curled around the exposed skin of my ankle. I had kicked the sheets off my bunk with all my tossing and turning.
"Ugh, what is that smell?" Sasha groaned from above me, "Greta, is that you? You smell like a barn."
"You might want to change," Krista whispered low, pressing her palm to my forehead and wiping away the sweat-matted hair from it as I slowed my breathing. I gathered my surroundings. We were in our dorm, the middle of the night. Annie was silent in her bunk, above us with Sasha, probably pretending to sleep through the commotion, as did most of the other girls in the dorm. I groaned, rolling out of bed and stripping the sheets from the mattress, which had already smelled like piss anyway. No harm done there.
"What did you mean when you said this isn`t what you wanted?"
Krista`s wide, blue eyes bored into my back as I scrubbed myself off in the tub. It took a moment to realize what she had been talking about.
"It was just a nightmare, Krista," I explained, sighing with defeat as I dumped a bucket of water over myself to rinse the suds off. I watched the soapy water circle down the drain at my feet, finished with the cleansing process. The towel Krista had been holding for me was fitted around my shoulders, which I gripped tightly around myself to keep from shivering.
Krista helped me over the side of the tub so that I could change into a clean set of clothes, and though she didn`t pester me with any more questions, I could tell that she was still silently assuming that I was regretting my decision of enlisting.
Even if I were to have regrets, it was much too late now. Our graduation day was fast approaching. All that was left were the final examinations, none of which I would do that outstanding on. There was no doubt in my mind that I wouldn`t rank anywhere close to the top ten.
Not that it mattered. I would have too much guilt in my heart if I ever joined the Military Police. Enjoy the comforts that my mother and older brother had both opted out of to fight for humanity on the frontlines. I needed to prove I was as brave as they had been, even if only to myself.
I bit down on my lip as my eyes fell on the sheets soaking in the wash bin. No doubt I was to be tormented by the rest of the trainees when they saw them hanging on the line in the morning. There were only so many reasons one would need to wash their sheets in the middle of the night, and they all included bodily fluids.
Outside the sky was getting the dark blue of the night sky shifting to a lighter shade, slowly but surely. The sun would be up soon, and it wouldn`t be long until Sasha would be at breakfast, sniggering to herself while looking up at me from her seat across the table. I assumed Annie would stay silent, as would Krista.
But the boys would be a completely different story.
"DID SOMEONE LOSE THEIR UTERUS LAST NIGHT?"
Jean`s cackle was heard as he entered the dining hall, a chorus of laughter from a couple of other boys joined in with him. I felt my eyes glue themselves to the ceiling as my forehead beat down against the wooden table before me.
Here we go.
"Greta pissed her panties." Sasha called me out before someone could pin the blame on her.
"H-hey, Sasha," Hannah, the other ginger girl in our squad rushed to defend me, but I was already braced to deflect the verbal blows from the boys after enduring their comments about my freckles and orange hair.
"Oh, Ginger," Connie chuckled, hand encasing the crown of my head. I frowned down at the oatmeal in front of me growing cold, eyelids heavy from lack of sleep.
"I don`t blame her, after yesterday I would have been too tired to get up to piss too." Marco added in my favor, and I couldn`t help but feel a tug on my lips in an upward motion. Marco had been a good friend to me thus far, and I could count on him to ease the blows. The first day of training he`d told me he liked my freckles, and I couldn`t help but be completely flustered every time we came in contact.
"Hannah said she was boo-hoo-ing about some night terror," Franz chimed in as he walked past the table. I stared onward, trying to contain how perturbed I had been. I knew that I`d been fair game for any insults but they were determined to beat the subject to death.
My eyes flickered over to Hannah, who had broken out into a nervous sweat as my eyes pierced through her skull. I couldn`t blame her, she told Franz everything. There were no secrets between the couple of the year.
I swung my legs over the bench I`d been seated on and proceeded to stand, grabbing my half-eaten bowl of porridge and straightening confidently as I strutted past the bullies, my nose so far in the air that I didn`t notice the boy in front of me as I slammed into him, mid stride.
We tumbled to the floor, the clanging of bowls hitting the wood bouncing off the walls. My face buried into a heaving chest. Laughter erupted from around in four part harmonies from all of the trainees as I placed my hands flat against the floor on either side of Armin Arlert, propping myself up. Wide, blue eyes peering up at me from under the bowl of oatmeal that had landed atop his head.
"Greta—Sorry!" He stammered as I scampered to my feet, feeling my face flush blatant with discomfiture. My first instinct was to reach down and help him to his feet, apologize for being so reckless, but when I saw his face—resembling a cornered animal—I couldn`t help it.
I fled the dining hall as quickly as I could.
GRETA WAS MY MOTHER`S NAME.
My name was supposed to have been Eileen. Eileen Greta Pfeiffer, but I preferred Greta. When I was younger, my father had always called for my mother, and I would come running instead. My mother was my idol, and I wanted to be like her more than anyone. I had grown accustomed to answering to Greta, thus switching out the titles.
Greta was my mother`s name, and I promised that I would honor her with everything move I`d made. This was ultimately the main reason why I had decided to enlist. We were considered the blessed ones, stowed away safely inside Wall Sina. Thanks to my father, I had plenty of comfort handed to me. I never needed to be a soldier.
Not until my mother never returned home from an outing with the Scouting Legion. Henry was still away, training to fight along side her. He knew something was wrong when I`d stopped writing. His concerned letters came pouring in, to which my father told me to ignore. I had to feed them to the fire, teary eyed with each piece of kindling that would shrivel and blacken in the fireplace.
It was hypocritical of me, but my opinion of my father had dwindled when he`d insisted that I not reply to Henry`s letters. The seed had been planted in me long before Henry spoke ill of him. Henry`s words only forced me further into denial. No little girl wanted to believe that her father was anything but the hero, the Knight in Shining Armor.
I`d believed he and my mother had lived the ultimate fairy tale. Everything about them was always so romantic, and when I looked at them I believed it was more than what I had ever could have hoped for in the future.
But I was young, naïve. I could never have been as perfect as my mother or my father. Henry, though far more ungraceful than I, was more alike to my mother than I could have ever dreamed to be. He seemed to have inherited every talent she and my father possessed.
Graduating second in rank, he too was given the choice of joining the Military Police, offered the same fortunes as my father and mother, but he decided to join the Scouting Legion, falling in love with the idea of being a hero.
I supposed that was what had drawn my mother in. They felt called to fly, head first into the enemy.
Father encouraged them. He had never even seen a titan before, he was ignorant to the real danger they brought, as most of the people raised inside of the inner walls. Even I did not realize the kind of power they possessed until they wiped out two of the three people I considered my biggest heroes. After Henry`s death, he begged me to stay home, find some other calling, start a bakery. He knew I had no real talents, knew that this idea was be an impossible feat for me.
He hadn`t written me since I left home. I`d been disowned. I supposed that pushing me away would have made it easier for him should something happen to me. I felt dirty, like I had sinned something awful. Every task I completed during training left me feeling guilty, unsatisfied. Perhaps this was due to the fact that my heart was not completely into it. I wanted my father`s love more than to be a hero, but I wanted to live up to Mother and Henry more.
It was a double edged sword hanging by a thin thread, directly above my bunk at night, threatening to break and impale me at any moment. I was on the brink of falling apart, throwing in the towel and heading home—where I felt that I was no longer welcome.
Speaking of double edged swords, mine were still in their holsters, yet to be used in the simulation we were working on. I had been too busy working on my acrobatics, twisting my body in complex formations just because I could, because that was the only thing I seemed to have been useful at.
The maneuver gear had been my friend from the start, as I had a natural balance to begin with.
"Greta, the simulation`s almost over!" Hannah called up to me from my left side as we moved throughout the forest. I rounded a tree, and noticed the still untouched, and more than likely only untouched makeshift titan that had been set up specifically for the final drill. It would be the only one I would have made a move for, and the only thing that would keep me from failing.
Of course, fate had other plans. My gas tank was empty from all of my horsing around, and I was stuck landing on a tree branch to the right of the mannequin.
I wasn`t alone for long, either. Jean had spotted the fake titan as well and grinned from ear to ear. His maneuver gear shot at me, grappling onto a part of the tree trunk just below my feet.
If I didn`t get to this titan first, I would fail the final examination and be forced to do the training over, another three years of my life down the drain.
I wouldn`t let Jean Kirschtein revel in the glory of fucking me over.
Holding my breath, I stepped onto the wire that was holding Jean`s weight as well, running full speed on the balls of my feet, focusing on maintaining my balance. If I fell, it would surely be to my death.
But I would have rather died than do the training over again. I had no where to return home to anymore, dropping out wasn`t an option, and failing wasn`t either.
"Greta, move your ass!" Jean shrieked as we hurdled towards each other. It was the biggest game of chicken I had encountered yet. One of us was going to have to jump out of the way before we collided, and it was not going to be me.
"Greta!" The distance between us was disappearing, and I felt the wire collapse beneath me as the boy began to fall, abandoning the target altogether. I used this opportunity to step on his shoulders, pushing myself up hard so that I was able to twist through the air close enough to sever the back of the mannequin`s neck down to the titanium bolts holding its padding in place.
I fell, facing upwards and looking up through the umbrella of tree tops. The good news, I passed. The bad, I would probably break my neck and be incapacitated for the rest of my life. A part of me thought it was still worth it to spite Jean. The look on his face was one I would cherish.
Though he would probably get a bigger kick out of how I would look sprawled across the forest floor, twisted in unnatural ways.
A hand gripped at the ankle of my boot, sending me swaying in a different direction, gravity taking over me as I was held upside down, mid-air by the beautiful and talented Mikasa Ackerman herself. Not a hair out of place, her porcelain skin without a freckle or blemish.
"I`m dreaming." I gaped, as I still could not believe anyone but Jean had witnessed my fall.
"Well," She murmured as we swayed to a still a few inches off of the ground. She released my ankle, letting me fall face-first into the dirt—this time at a safe enough distance not to injure myself terribly,
"You passed."
"WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?"
I was gripped roughly by the front of my shirt and ripped up from the table in the dining hall, Jean`s shouts showering me in spit.
"I wanted to pass—" I stammered, eyes wide. I couldn`t see why he was so upset.
"You think that`s how you`re supposed to fight a titan?" He continued to raise his voice, causing those remaining in the hall to silence so that they could overhear.
"No, of course I don`t—"
"You should have dropped out with the others a long time ago. You should join the stationary guard, all they do is fuck around all day anyhow. You`re pretty good at that."
He lowered his voice a little as he dropped me back down onto the wooden chair, my bottom screaming silently in pain, vocalized by a single grunt from my lips.
His words stung at me, seeing that Jean wanted desperately to get in with the Military Police. I snorted almost, thinking about how hypocritical he was for telling me all I was going to do was "fuck around".
"She`s so crazy that she thinks it`s funny she almost killed both of us today." Jean snarled to Marco, who frowned down at me as well. I wouldn`t let him change Marco`s opinion of me so easily, I could only endure so much embarrassment,
"I`m laughing because you`re a hypocrite," My voice was usually quiet and shy, softened by years of never using it to project. I couldn`t think of the last time I`d spoken at such a volume.
But I wanted to be heard this time.
Jean`s face contorted with discomfort in my words, his jaw frozen, taught in a half open position, waiting for me to make my point,
"Isn`t that why you want to join the Military Police? So that you can screw around too?"
Breaths escaped from the lips of those around us, but I continued to berate him regardless of who listened in,
"I hear you boasting about how you want to make the top ten, rank high enough so that you can live your comfy life inside the inner walls. Good for you," I spat,
"I hope you make it just so that I never have to look at your face after tomorrow."
"You`re just saying that," He countered, "You know everyone in this room would choose the Military Police if they were given the option to. You`re full of shit, trying to parade around in all your fake glory—claiming to want to join a part of 'humanity's fortress'."
A loud screech interrupted the words I was prepared to fire at Jean in reply, the sound of a wood sliding against wood.
Eren Jaeger had pushed himself away from the table, making the only other noise in the dining hall besides the argument that had been carrying on.
"Hey," His voice was cold, and I could tell he was quivering in anger from behind,
"You said something about the inner district being comfortable," He turned, and I noticed he looked far more enraged than I had,
"The part of town we`re in right now used to be the inner district, you know. Jean, I believe even without moving 'in' the contents of your brain would still be comfortable enough."
As soon as the words left his mouth, Reiner snorted his drink all over Armin, who had been sitting across from Eren and Mikasa.
Poor kid, I thought, thinking of how he had to wash the oatmeal out of his hair from that morning.
Mikasa tugged at Eren`s sleeve, bidding him not to force his way into the argument as well. But Eren had been burning to say those words for some time. Every time I looked at his face it seemed hard, cold. Judging not only by that, but also taking into account that his hometown had been invaded by the titans only seemed to make his sincerely angered approach that much more driven.
"Unless I`m mistaken, Eren, you`re calling me a halfwit?" Jean turned, his eyebrows pressed tightly against each other, creasing his large forehead,
"Well, you`re wrong about that. I`m a realist. The biggest one out there."
Though none of us needed to be reminded of the tragedies that ensued the fall of Maria, Jean spouted them regardless.
"Four years ago, we invested half our population into a general offensive… Half of the human race out to recover the territory we lost—And most of those people earned an instant one-way ticket to the titans' stomachs. How many more would it have taken to recover our lost land?"
Silence followed, so he continued, "It takes thirty human deaths on average to fell one of them. But the titans control this land, and they aren`t content to number a measly one-thirtieth of the human population. Doesn`t take a genius to figure it out."
My lips remained pursed tightly as I stared up at the said realist, noticing the solemn faces growing around us as they drank in the statistics he`d been listing off, reminding us that we were far from victory—and that we would always be.
"For humanity there is no such thing as achieving victory against the titans."
More silence, the hall had never felt so heavy until that moment. The sinking weight of the emotions surrounding me began to take me as well, I felt myself become as somber as the rest of them.
Jean let out a sigh, noticing as well the once chipper mood everyone had been in had been doused in his speech about how hopeless our situation truly seemed.
"See, now we`ve pulled an all-nighter by your fault." He blamed Eren, though it would have made more sense for himself to take the blame.
"What of it." Eren leaned back against the table, crossing his arms, still challenging Jean.
"Huh?" Jean whipped around from staring at the rest of the trainees, focusing back on Jaeger.
"Have you been listening?"
"I did hear something about you giving up because you thought you couldn`t win." Eren straightened, stepping closer, "Tell me, what good is it to throw in the towel? What good is it to give up all hope and escape from reality?"
I felt my stomach drop. Eren was right.
"If we go challenging the titans on the field of material resources, we`re screwed from the outset. The number one cause of our defeat four years ago was our ignorance about them. We did lose, but the information we gained is a definite step in the right direction. It gave us hope."
Everything my mother died for, everything Henry died for would be all for naught if I didn`t straighten out and carry on their will.
"And you would give up your responsibility to elaborate a strategy and become titan food just like this? You`re joking, right?"
My teeth were beginning to break the flesh on my bottom lip, and I had to slide them back to my lower jaw, allowing them to grind against each other as he continued on, his expression softening as if he were remembering the very reason he wanted to believe in humanity,
"I have a dream, a dream where we exterminate the titans…leave the confines of these walls to explore the outside world."
The outside world, I felt the corner of my lips tug upwards upon the mention. I`d heard about the outside world before, the potential it could have if it wasn`t overrun by the monsters.
But Jean, who had no imagination whatsoever, only laughed at this idea.
"If only you could hear yourself! And you call me a half-wit?! Look around! Not a single soul is approving you on this!"
My eyes darted around the room, the somber faces still remained, even Mikasa seemed to doubt Eren.
However, Armin had the faintest traces of hope on his cherub face, wheels in his head turning as well. He was holding onto the same dreams Eren was.
Eren sighed dejectedly, "I see. Alright, I get it. Go to the inner district then, having a defeatist like you on the front lines would only hurt everyone`s morale."
A smirk appeared on Jean`s face as he closed in on Eren, puffing his chest out,
"Oh, I do intent to go, but what about you? You do plan on going outside the walls, right? Go for it, then. Your beloved titans are waiting for you."
I could see Eren grow tense at the words, and then all the sudden his muscles relaxed. I was deceived into thinking he had let Jean win the argument this time, but instead he opened his mouth and said,
"Oh, fuck it."
Before I could blink, the two began to attack each other, hurling their fists and all of their hand-to-hand combat training into the closed space. Cheers erupted, as the rest of the trainees always jumped on any type of entertainment, no matter how brutal between each other.
I pushed myself away from the table, brushing my shoulder against Marco as I maneuvered around the rumble to escape the dining hall quietly into the night. I was tired of putting up with them any longer.
I was only further convinced that I should join the scouting legion. I sat myself down on the steps outside, tucking my chin into my knees. It wasn`t long until the hall quieted and the door swung open, the sound of boots on the wooden deck and a thud from where Mikasa released Eren from her arms.
"That hurt, you know," Eren grumbled from behind me.
"You tend to act impulse when things get out of hand, almost on reflex." Her voice was always silky smooth, calm. She was clearly distraught by Eren`s behavior from what I`d seen back inside. She didn`t approve of his tendencies to race into a dispute.
"About what he said earlier," I assumed Eren was talking about Jean, "Where will you apply for exactly?"
The tension grew as Eren waited for his answer, anticipating only the worst. It was obvious Mikasa would choose to follow Eren. She seemed completely devoted to the boy.
"I`ll join the Scouting Legion." Was her answer, to which Eren would not have.
"You`re the top of the class, you should go for the Police. In addition, no one in history has demonstrated as much talent as you. You would definitely be afforded some special treatment."
But Mikasa`s answer was final, "If you go for the police, so will I."
"At least I`m not as reckless as Pfeiffer," I turned to the two as they adjusted themselves on the stairs behind me.
"I really hope you`re thinking about joining the Garrison. It`s safer for everyone."
My eyes hit the floor, realizing that not only Jean was the one with such a low opinion of me. Mikasa said nothing, silently agreeing with Eren. I felt like a menace.
"No, thanks," I turned back around, tucking my chin back onto my knees,
"I`m sure you both have personal reasons for wanting to join the Scouting Legion, and so do I." My final answer being, "I understand your concern for my well being and everyone else`s, but the decision is my own and I won`t be swayed by your opinion of me."
"Hey, I didn`t mean it like that—"
The door to the dining hall swung open again, and we both looked to see Armin standing on the deck.
"Hey guys, party`s over," He looked uneasy, as if he knew he`d walked into an awkward exchange, "Let`s go back to the dorm."
"Ah, yeah," Eren stammered, looking away from me and to his friend, "Armin, what squad will you apply for?"
Armin stood frozen, his eyes moving from Eren`s to mine. He sat down beside Mikasa, fixing his gaze at his feet,
"I chose the Scouting Legion!"
"Do you really mean that?" Eren, about to give his friend the same song and dance he had to Mikasa and I, would surely pounce on Armin as well. Only, his intentions towards Mikasa and Armin were different. He was genuinely concerned about their safety.
He was concerned about how I would endanger everyone else`s safety.
"Yeah, I know… I`m physically weak. As for the battle simulation exam, it`s a miracle that I succeeded at all."
"You were the best at theoretical classes, so you should work on your actual skill. The instructor said so! There`s nothing brave about neglecting your strong points in favor of some insane course of action."
It was true, Armin was the most advanced when it came to theoretical classes. I had slept through most of ours while Hannah tried to pinch me awake here and there.
Armin`s brows furrowed, slightly frustrated by Eren`s words, as we all had been,
"I`d rather die than become a burden!" He ground out, taking the three of us by surprise. Armin was typically as soft spoken as I had been, I couldn`t help but stare at him in response to the outburst. He was as driven as the rest of us.
"What about you, Greta?" His blue eyes turned to me, full of curiosity as well, though he probably thought as little of me as Eren and Mikasa.
I was almost embarrassed to answer, and I sat quietly in response until Eren answered for me,
"She said she was choosing the Scouting Legion as well."
"But Greta—"
"I don`t want to hear," I interrupted Armin before he could figure a say into my fate. I stood, slightly annoyed with all three of them.
"I`m sorry about the oatmeal, Armin," I scratched the crown of my head, a gesture to the accident that had occurred earlier that day, "I`m retiring for the evening."
With a curt nod, I pivoted on the balls of my feet and I made my way back to my cabin, taking my sheets off the line and folding them loosely over each other.
Their voices rung throughout my head, forcing me to feel sorry for myself. I swallowed the initial thoughts of wanting to curl into a ball and cry in the corner of my bunk.
Instead I let it motivate myself.
I would have to just do better.