Author's Note: (RELATIVELY) IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ. Hello everyone! As you read, it is worth clearing up the fact that I will keep this marked as "complete" at all times. That is because each chapter is it's own story with little/nothing to do with the other chapters. Being complete does not mean there won't be new chapters by any means. It will end when I say it ends, because that's how I role. Read, rate, review, I appreciate your feedback.
WELCOME TO SUMMONER'S RIFT
"Ahem. Okay, can you hear me?"
"I hear you. May I ask who is summoning me today?"
"Friends call me Jay. You ready to carry these sum'bitches?"
"Of course, Demacia needs heros! Are you ready, Valor?"
"Squak!"
"You and your team talked while waiting right? Where's everyone headed?"
"Elise is in the mid lane, Warwick is taking the jungle, I think Yorick is top. Aaand Nami is taking bottom lane with me."
"Ah, Nami. Nice girl. Okay, get yourself some boots and potions. Oh yeah, and one of those new-fangled ward trinkets."
THIRTY SECONDS TILL MINIONS SPAWN
"So, who am I facing today, Summoner?"
"You're up against... huh."
"What?"
"I don't know how not to make this weird, so I'll just say it. You're fighting yourself."
"Really? That doesn't happen to me often."
"Weird how that's a regular occurrence in the rift. We also got Jinx, Akali, Darius and Teemo."
"I hate fighting myself. It's like seeing a photo of yourself, or hearing your voice in audio. Only a thousand times more embarrassing."
MINIONS HAVE SPAWNED
"Just go ahead and help Warwick get the golem. Maybe you won't lane against yourself."
"Got it."
"Okay good, everyone but Yorick is there. Aaany second now..."
"Squak."
"Who's there?"
"Squak squaaak."
"Jarvan who?"
"Squak!"
"Valor! That's mean."
"Your relationship with that bird is touching. In a weird kind of way."
"The Golem is here!"
"Use your pistol!"
"Crossbow."
"Use it!"
"I'm using it!"
"Good, that was quick. I have a good feeling about this match. Now let's just head bot lane and we'll- Oh! Son of a bitch!"
"Oh dear... I'm dizzy. What happened?"
"Jinx and Quinn II there just melted you. Turns out Jinx's slow and your damage makes a good combo."
"And Nami?"
"She's holding her ow- nope, dead."
"Well. This is a wonderful start."
"Never fear! Teleport is one of your summoner spells. I'll just throw that one aaand there."
"Aaaahhhh!"
"Man, those two are pushing hard."
"Ya think?"
"Watch out for her, er, your Blinding Assault!"
"Ow! Valor how could you!"
"Squak?"
"No, not you Valor. Er... maybe? Ugh, never mind."
"Ah yes! That's perfect! Be the beast master you are and control the other Valor too!"
"I don't think that'll work."
"What we're doing now isn't working, you've been hugging your turret the entire time."
"It's only been a few minutes..."
"You have an opportunity most champions don't have, woman, take a chance!"
"Fine!"
"Are you trying?"
"Squaaak!"
"Ow, ow. Ow!"
"You just pissed off your own Valor didn't you?"
"Yes... AHH- "
"OOOOoohhhhh. Crap. Okay so we're 0/2/0. No problem."
"This isn't working, Summoner."
"You're right. I kinda wish we got a Doran's Blade in the beginning instead, now that I think of it."
"How does a blade help me deal damage with a crossbow?"
"Fuck you that's how."
ENEMY DOUBLE KILL
"It seems our teammates aren't doing too well either."
"Oh don't worry, Warwick isn't letting us forget it down here."
"Oh surprise, surprise. Warwick, of all wolf-man humanoids, is being a big meany."
"We've lost two turrets in our lane and Nami is sad."
"You're just full of shockers today aren't ya? Let's try and get the team together, this match isn't even close to over yet!"
"Oh God, Teemo found me!"
"Use your pistol!"
"Crossbow!"
"Tackle the little gerbil!"
"Eerrrgg AGH! -cough- -cough-"
"Man, that poison hurts."
"I know!"
"Well at least he's running away now. You both look pretty hurt though."
"I FEEL pretty hurt! But at least I lived this ti-" *BOOM*
YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN
"... Fuckin' mushrooms... Ugh, and my last few matches went so well."
"That's it! We need a team fight or something!"
"Squak!"
"Indeed. Let's redeem ourselves, shall we? What level are we now, eight? Nine?"
"Three of them are on our last mid turret!"
"Yell to your teammates to join, Warwick is right nearby!"
"I don't want to talk to Warwick..."
"Quinn!"
"Ugh... hey Warwick! Come on, we can still win! I need you in mid!"
"What'd he say?"
"He told me to stop talking."
"I dunno what I expected."
YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED
"Yorick and I can't hold them all back! We're going to lose an inhibitor."
"All our teammates are on the field, and from the looks of it, we're looking pretty good for an engage."
"Just a little longer..."
"Warwick is suppressing Akali! This is your chance! SEIZE IT! SEIZE IT SO GOOD!"
"Gouge 'em Valor!"
"Yes! Use your rooty-tooty point'n shooty!"
"SQUAAK!"
"Dat ultimate! Rain dem arrows down!"
"RAHH! Phew... uh-oh, Jinx! She's chasing me!
AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN
"Oh thank God."
"It's a three for two. Not bad, considering the rest of the match so far. And you only lost half your health. Of course, that was from like, two hits from Akali. Man, what kind of drugs is that woman on?"
"Well, at least I have a kill and two assists now."
"Squak!"
"What? Oh c'mon, you're still mad at me for earlier? I love you Valor, you're my best friend."
"Aww, friend-zoned."
"Shut up."
"Look alive, other Quinn wants a piece."
"What?"
"She's trying to kill you."
"Oh. Well no problem. After that battle I have new-found confidence in my abilit-GOOD GOD SHE'S SO MUCH STRONGER THAN ME."
"RUN BITCH, RUUUN! Use your bird!"
"Valor's on cooldown!"
"What? You mean your bird's too tired?"
"AGHH-"
YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN
"*sigh* I hate death timers. Okay, looks like the team is pushing forward. They're a bit low... Quinn's evil twin is coming up behind, maybe they can run back and take her. Come on guys, gooo!"
AN ALLY HAS BEEN SLAIN
"A strong will shall overcome!"
ENEMY DOUBLE KILL
"They cannot break your spirit!"
ENEMY TRIPLE KILL
'I have... faith in you."
ENEMY QUADRA KILL, ACED
"God damn it."
"What'd I miss?"
"You missed a mighty ass-whoopin', and not the fun kind."
"We lost, haven't we?"
"Not necessarily. All we can really do is guard the base and kill off the super minions. You maaay want Homeguard, they're all on their way."
"I love the Statick Shiv, makes this minion business so much easier."
"Squak?"
"Yeah, I dunno how it does that either."
"I wish we could grab a buff or something. Least the rest will be back shortly."
"I see the Noxian running this way. Ready Val?"
"Squaak!"
"Good."
"Where's Valor going?"
"Sometimes that bird just likes to show off."
"Speaking of showing, Elise is on her way to help. And it seems Nami is on the platform."
"Whoa!"
"Wow, that was close! Good thing Darius grabbed a minion instead of you."
"They're all here, this is it!"
"Put on your war face! Use your gu-, er, crossbow! Yeah."
"They caught out Elise!"
BOOM-CRASH-CLANK-SMASH-HAHAHAAA
"I hate hearing Darius laugh."
"All I hear is Warwick cursing!"
"Use your bird!"
"SCRAAWW!"
AN ENEMY HAS BEEN SLAIN
"Oh God, you're low! Flash and fly! Fly and be free you beautiful, winged bastard!"
YOU HAVE BEEN SLAIN
"Or not."
ENEMY TRIPLE KILL
"Ooookay. I think this is about wrapped up."
YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED
YOUR TURRET HAS BEEN DESTROYED
"NOXUUUUU-uuuhh ugh, dizzy."
DEFEAT
Final Stats: 2/11/6