AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter is short as I wanted to see how well I could write in terms of The Fault in Our Stars. I also haven't gotten very technical with fact and give general statistics to periods of time. I know Hazels birthday is September 29th though, so hopefully I got the time span there right as Augustus found out he had cancer in early June? I assume as he died in July. So again no facts within this, only general statistics. The rating of this fiction is subject to change. If you enjoy this or have any recommendation please feel free to review.
Chapter 1
Breaking the News
"What do you mean?" Her high pitched voice cuts through me like a razor blade. The pain rings in her tenor and is evident in her posture.
"I said that I am going abroad," I say more firmly this time. I need to stay strong if I have any hope of convincing them. This is not only something that I desire but also something that I feel I need. I watch as my dad approaches me, but then pauses in his step and chooses to point towards me with his index finger instead.
"You're not going anywhere," he says bluntly.
"Actually I am. I leave in two weeks," my chest suddenly feels heavy.
"Hazel think about this. You just can't pick up and leave," he says and I roll my eyes backwards. This is typical. Every time I want to do something I always need permission from my cancer.
"I don't understand," my mom blubbers and I suddenly regret wanting to do something with my life. I just want to travel and exceed in journalism.
"Look… mom… dad," I address them both so that it seems fair, "I love you both, I do, but I got a scholarship… or rather an internship in Paris."
"Well which is it? Scholarship or internship?"
"Both, but I only stay in Paris temporarily and then I go to Australia, for the second half of the internship... and then I go to London…" The more I say the more I fear that I am losing them. The conversation spirals out of control and past my patience. My mother worries that I will suffer with the heat and my dad worries about all the travelling.
"We don't have the money…" my mom says sitting down on the couch behind her. I feel a sense of de-ja-vu. She places her head in her hands and I pull body weight, along with Philip, to her side.
"That's the thing, my college pays for it, but only for me, which is why I ask that you let me go."
"That's it end of discussion, you're not going. If at least one of us can't go with you, then you're not going at all. I am not leaving my daughter alone-"
"I won't be alone," the silence that follows after is deafening. I can hear the clock ticking on the mantel piece and my dad begins to shake his head side to side. His eyes are wide as if he had just had a revelation.
"Oh no… Oh no I don't think so, Augustus?"
My parents love and respect Gus, even more so now that they see how much I grieved at the possibility of losing him. My world had crumbled a fragment at a time. I value him in my life and so do they, but since we have been together so long they don't trust his hormones or at least that is how I see it. They get awkward when I mention date nights and rarely trust us in a room together alone, especially upstairs or in Gus's case downstairs. They know we love each other and it worries them, but what they don't know is that we have already done the deed that they fear.
"He can look after me, if I need help he will be there. It's only three months."
"And what if you should need medical care and we're not there? Which you will! You will need medical care."
"I'm almost twenty, I-"
"It's all the same," my mother says finally. I had almost forgotten she was here.
"There are papers for you to fill in, medical papers. They will cover the expenditure of my medical care over there until I can come home."
"I think you need to leave us to discuss this… alone," my mother says and my dad turns on her as if to say there's nothing to talk about. I feel as though all hope I had has vanished. I begin to walk out the room, pulling Philip behind me loosely, but then just before climbing the stairs I decide I have a few more words to say.
"I'm sorry that I dropped this on you, but I don't want to sit here like a test tube experiment and neither do I want to make plans for the future, especially when I can't guarantee myself one." I see that my words pain both of them so I stop and continue towards the stairs.
"Then why do you want this internship? Does it not help towards your future?" My dad asks and I stare blankly at the floor as I choose my words carefully.
"But it also gives me the opportunity to live in the present," I emphasize my point. Living is something that I don't feel like I am doing at the moment. The only time I feel alive is at the magnetic touch of Gus.
As I enter into my bedroom I am left to think about my choice of words and the possibility of travelling the world with Gus. I can almost feel my insides melt at the thought of the boy I love. That night we spent together in Amsterdam was surreal and to have the luxury of having many more moments like it makes me lightheaded. It has been almost two years since we got back from Amsterdam and he endured his second band of chemotherapy. Thankfully, he has been in remission for a while now and although he still has four years until he can be cleared of cancer, I am content. I am happy that he is almost at his full health, even if I am not. I wonder how long I have been nostalgic for because a knock on the door disrupts my thoughts.
"Can I come in?" My mother says as she enters into my room. She needn't even ask. I try to push my angst down and bury deep within me.
"I'm sorry mom," I say feeling guilty. I always cause her pain.
"It was just a shock. Three months is such a long time, even in your condition. We're working it out, but-"
"Wait… does this mean I can go?"
"Not entirely, yes you're nineteen, almost twenty, but you are also my daughter and you do have a terminal illness." She chooses her words carefully, I watch as she rolls them around on her tongue. I don't mind though, her words are honest.
"So…"
"So," she places her hand on my shoulder and I sit with her. She then takes my hands into hers. "Your dad will join you for the first two weeks in Paris. However, that will also mean that you spend two weeks there alone. He asks that he gets to visit you on lunch breaks and that you spend your evenings with him."
"I won't be alone," I state trying not to sound annoyed.
"You will go to Australia alone as we can trust you, but I will be joining you for three weeks in London."
"Do you have the money? I don't want to-"
"Yes, I have some money saved from my new temporary job, but is this what you want or are you doing it because you feel as though you haven't done anything in life?" She asks honestly and I smile.
"Does it matter?"
"Not really…" she smiles back.
"Both," I reply. "Does dad hate me?"
"Hates a strong word in this world Hazel and it is one feeling your father is not capable of," she says and I hug her. "Just know that you have not failed at anything and you don't have to feel the need to prove yourself to anyone, especially not me and you dad."
"Thank you…. thank you so much," I cannot find the words to show enough appreciation. I glance at my phone across the room. I ache to message Gus, but I feel rude doing it in the midst of a tender moment.
"Go on then."
"What?"
"Go tell Gus, but we'd also like to speak to him before you go."
"Of course…. Of course!" I hug her again and stand.
"Hazel…"
"Yes?"
"I love you. Me and your father… we love you."
"I know, but not as much as I love you," I say and leave.
I am truly grateful for everything they have done for me. They never signed up for what they got, they just wanted to be parents. All they have ever done is look after me and nothing can ever show my praise. They have spent endless days and nights by my side in hospital with no complaints and each time I had broken their hearts beyond repair. They let me date Gus, travel to Amsterdam and now around the world. They have given me everything I have wanted not out of sympathy, but because they love me.
As I arrive at Gus's I wonder where the car journey went. My mind had been that busy I don't remember the drive here. As I park outside and exit the vehicle I am blinded by the street lights. It is dark out. I long to run inside I find Gus, but I also need some time. I stand on the sidewalk for a few moments and look up at the sky. I expect to see stars but instead I see nothing but another cloudy night. I hear a door open nearby and heavy footsteps dragging on the pavement. I would know those footsteps anywhere.
"Hello beautiful," Gus's voice brings warmth to my skin. I pull Philip from out the vehicle and close the door as he pauses in front of me. "Well…"
"Hello," I return his greeting and he smiles.
"I meant are we going?" He asks in anticipation and I smile and he laughs. He takes me within his arms and smiles down at me.
"I can't believe it," I say and he plants his lips on my forehead and pulls me towards his house.
"Well start believing it," he finishes as we enter inside. His house never changes. There is never a new rug or a new edition to the quotes on the wall.
I glance at Gus after I close the door behind us. The smile hasn't left his face since I broke the good news to him. I love that he is always happy or at least tries to be. His parents are in the living room so I greet them as we pass and follow Gus downstairs. I carry Philip down his stairs and sit on the floor with my back leaning on the couch. Gus doesn't come over immediately. He picks two DVD's from his collection on the wall and turns to face me holding one in each hand.
"So Lord of the Rings or The Descent?"
"I think we'll have to watch the second. I don't want to test my parent's patience right now and come home late," I sigh adjusting Philip next to me so that I can rest nicely. My chest and legs ache.
"You could always stay the night," he jests with his eyebrows raised and I smile.
"I think not."
"The Descent it is then," he turns on his television and puts it in. I've gotten bored of horror films. You can't find horror films frightening when you're living with the possibility that your lungs could give in at any moment. Gus sits at my side and clicks buttons on his remote until the film begins. Even though we don't touch I can feel the warmth of his body against mine.
"How are you paying for it?" I ask bravely.
"Well you see it's a DVD so it has already been purchased," he jokes and I turn my gaze away from him. He must sense my annoyance.
"You know what I mean," I persist and he turns to look at the television.
"Money is a material possession Hazel and it matters not how I come to pay for this journey, but only that I am experiencing it with you," I look at him and he turns to look at me. "The world is at our fingertips Hazel Grace Lancaster and god am I happy that I get to withstand it with you."