My body is not shaking. Maybe it's trembling – just a tad.
Or maybe it's shuddering a lot.
These aren't tears – no way.
I don't cry.
I'm sweating from my eyes – I swear.
You are wrong – your eyes deceive you.
I am perfectly fine – I am calm and normal with a peak physical and mental condition.
And I am so not lying to protect what's left of my egotistical confidence and dignity.
He is all I can think of tonight and it's like this every night.
Okay, so maybe I'm relying on myself a little too much – just maybe.
Maybe I am wrong – just a theory.
And maybe he is right.
Maybe I do need to open up – just a little.
That stupid smile of his – not the grin or smirk or cheeky little look he always has when it's Allen, him and I – no. It's the smile he gives me - the "understanding one", the one that he uses to make me "open up" and talk.
I hate talking about it though.
He claims that it will make it better – but we both actually know the thruth.
I'm dying and there is nothing we can do about it.
I'm dying and it hurts – a lot.
But I am strong, and even though I'll never tell him – half of my strength comes from him.
When he holds me and laughs as I claw at his loving, embracing arms (but not actually trying). When he watches me meditate, and when I peek an I open he is there watching me with a smile. When I'm training, and he laughs in happiness, when I fall down (which is rare – really).
And when I finally admit that I am wrong, and he says that it's fine, holding me tightly.
Then there are those personal nights – the ones where he traces my lotus curse with his fingers ever so lightly. If anyone else was to do that – they would lose their fingers.
It hurts, but he makes it all better.
So what am I to do? Die quietly, and admit defeat to my love at the end? Or brave it out as I watch him transform into an emotionless wreck as every bookman should be.
I don't want to lose my Lavi – and I don't want to die.
Maybe I won't.
Maybe I won't lose anything and it will remain as it is.
I can only hope though, right?
So, I'll just curl up in my bed tonight – and just pray that he will come in tonight.