A/N: So, this is long time coming, yes? Well, at least for me, in my head. I hope you enjoy, because if you don't, gnomes will rape you in your sleep. It will be quick and painless, but you bet your ass it'll happen. You will read and review accordingly, because, well…such things make me happy. So read, children.

Disclaimer: If I owned Big Time Rush, ooohh man. *daydreams* BUT I DON'T.

Extra things to know: This IS AU. James is a mercenary with bipolar disorder and psychotic tendencies. Logan is a computer hacker that's seen way too much for him to handle.

Chapter 1: I Can't Stop.

It hurts.
I look at him, and my guts just burn.
I look into his big brown, beautiful eyes.
He's like…like a handsome shark.
You know the kind that eats the organisms weaker than they are?

I stood up in the coffee shop, gathered my things, and proceeded to leave.
My gaze travelled up and down James one last time before sweeping out the door.
His eyes flickered up to mine in recognition.
There was a sliver of something, but it vanished when the people around him tried to get his attention.
Then, liquid turned into a hollow solid, and he was a monster again.

"Bye Logan." He called, his voice washing over my skin like the softest of velvets.

I hugged my laptop closer, and chewed my lips anxiously.

"B-bye Jamie." I replied, nodding at him a little bit.

I exited as quickly as I could.
Like I said before.
My stomach hurts when I see him.

-James' POV-

He was afraid of me.
Everything betrayed what Logan was feeling, from his expression, to the cracks in his voice, to the way he held himself.
Almost like he was begging the floor to swallow him whole.
He was afraid of me.

"Alright, Diamond. You're keeping the bitches frightened. I like the way you work."

My eyes flickered over to one of the men sitting next to me.
I didn't even know his name, and he was talking to me?

I dug in my pockets for a little packet of formaldehyde.
When the guy wasn't looking, I poured it in his coffee.

"I'm leaving." I took my time gathering my things, staying just long enough to watch the man take a large gulp of his drink.

He began foaming at the mouth, little bits of blood dribbling own his chin.
I inhaled and smiled viciously.

"You really shouldn't call my Logie a bitch. That's my job. Enjoy the painful death, fucker."

I swept out of the shop, just as bystanders began to notice the incident.

I thought of Logan.
I thought of how he never let me touch him anymore.
Sure, he did what I told him.
After all, I was the boss and he was the computer hacker.
He flinched every time I came near him.

I pulled out my pack of smokes and lit up, taking a puff.

What did I want?

I'm James Diamond.

I have everything.

Except Logan.

Logan's touch.

Logan's taste.

Logan's smell.

Logan's love.

What happened to all that?

Oh, yeah.
I kill people for a living.
I have no soul.
I'm a monster.

So I called him.

"J-Jamie?" His voice wavered. "Can I help you?"

I sighed. "Hello to you too, Logan. Can you meet me somewhere? We need to talk."

I heard his breath catch. "Yeah. I'm at Starbucks."

I frowned. "You were just at Jump Java."

"I didn't like the people you were with."

I rubbed my temples.

"I'll be there. See you in a few."

Logan hung up.
I could almost imagine him flushing pink and breathing hard.
He'd run a hand through his hair and chew his lips anxiously.
Then, he'd try to make himself composed, but I'd still notice the cute little things he missed.

I got in my car and drove over to Starbucks.
I pulled up and parked next to his silver Mazda.
He sat in the far corner, I noticed, as I walked inside the shop.
Was he trying to hide?
His hazel eyes were guarded as I sat on the opposing bench of the booth.

"Hi Logie."

"Hey Jamie."

It was like we were kids again, and he was the confident, intelligent, in-your-face kid with the pretty smile, and I was the shy and insecure kid that hid behind the box full of Hot Wheels in class all the time.

Now the roles were switched.
And Logan never smiled for me anymore.

I laced my fingers together and watched him.

"How are you?" I murmured.

Logan raised an eyebrow.

"Cut the bullshit, please. What do you want from me?"

I frowned.
Could I not just ask how he was feeling?
How his life was?

"I don't want anything from you, except to know how you are. Jesus, Logan."

I rubbed the star tattoo between my forefinger and thumb a little nervously as his mouth tightened.
Shit.
I knew that look.
He was about to blow up.

"Please don't be mad at me, Logie."

"Don't be MAD? Fucking hell, James! You say that all the time, and then I trust you, and then you do something again!" Logan's hands were shaking as he ran them through his hair.

I chewed my bottom lip. "Logan-"

"SHUT UP, James! I have to clean up after your messes. I can't even count the many times I've lost a little bit more of myself when I watch you KILL someone!" There were tears streaming down his cheeks now, and he fell silent.

I was speechless as Logan laid his head in his arms.

"James?" His voice was muffled and teary.

"Yeah?"

"C-can you kiss me like you used to when we were younger? Make me forget everything for a while." Logan peeked at me through the gap in his arms.

I chewed my thumb, and then separated his arms.
He lifted his head, eyes wide.

"Please."

I shouldn't.

But I hadn't ever been able to deny him anything, really.

So I kissed him.
Like always, it was like tasting sunshine.
He gave a content little sigh, and tangled his fingers in my hair.
I hadn't felt this, felt him in so long.
It was better than drugs, better than killing.
Better than anything I'd ever gotten a rush from.

"Jesus, Logan. Why do you ask me to do that if you know I'm just going to fuck up again?" I whispered between gentle kisses.

I cradled his face in my hands and began kissing the tears away.
Salty.

"Why do you keep on killing, James?" He countered.

I looked at him.

"I can't stop."

"I can't either."

"What can't you stop?" I kissed him again.

Logan caressed the side of my face once, and then pulled away.

"I can't stop…any of this. Loving you. Hating you. Fearing you. Fearing for you. This want, no, this need. I can't stop." He smiled brokenly. "I have to go now."

I stood, shaking my head. "No…no you can't go just yet. Please stay, Logie. Please."

Logan got up as well, kissing two of his fingers and pressing them to my lips.

"Bye for now, Jamie. I have to go." His hand slipped away, and I watched as he left.

-Logan's POV-

Everything was numb.
I kept reminding myself that James was just on one of his lows.
His moods changed like the direction of the wind.
Fleeting.
Just another memory that would be forgotten.

Knowing that made it worse.

I ran into someone, lost in my musings.

"Oh, sorry." I gave a faint, apologetic smile to the woman that I'd mowed over.

She was pretty.
Blonde hair.
Blue eyes.
Straight teeth.
Fancy business suit.

"It's okay." She smiled back, and disappeared into the coffee shop.

I kept walking.

James.
James.
James.

I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.
Might as well make the most of it.
I'd work on that program James needed.

-James' POV-

I restrained myself when some broad sat at my table, right where Logan had been sitting.
The Lord was testing my patience.

"Can I fucking help you?" I growled, a muscle jumping in my jaw.

She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and smiled sunnily.

"Yes, you can."

I felt something press against the artery in my thigh, then like an electric shock.
A fucking Taser.

I passed out, cursing my stupidity.