A harry potter spoof
hiiiiii I'm Dija and this is my first fic on here, so be nice!! i dont own any rights to anything- nothing at all, not even the computer i'm using now and yes your pity is appreciated. i wrote this a while back- a few weeks after deathly hallows was released and i was only 15 [2007], - hence the weak sentence structure and bad spelling. this was written for fun. dont take it personally- it's just for a laugh
An alternate ending
Harry left the elder wand in Dumbledore's office and headed back to the Great hall to check on his fellows and to be with Ginny.
He entered the great hall and looked through the crowds for Ginny. Harry saw Hermione embracing Victor Krum whilst Ron stared at them moodily.
To his enormous surprise, Ginny seemed to be a little too close to Draco; they were cuddling and stroking each other's hair.
"Oi, Draco, get off my bird," Harry yelled.
"Who says I'm your bird?" Ginny scowled.
"What?" Harry asked puzzled.
"Do you actually think I would marry you? I don't want my kids to look like you!" Ginny exclaimed.
Harry felt like his world had just ended, a giant crab clamped his heart and he found it difficult to breath. Ginny and Draco were now snogging. He turned away and felt his wand fly out of his hand and noticed one of the hairy death-eaters had gone rigid. His hair disappeared and he was losing weight quickly. His big stupid eyes shrank until they were narrow red slits. His pink face turned paper white. Voldemort grinned up at Harry.
"No!" Harry cried.
"Yes, Harry, polyjuice potion," Voldemort said smiling, "did you think it was that easy to kill Lord Voldemort, people died for you today Potter, and many especially the oaf Goyle died for me".
"What so I killed Goyle's dad?" Harry asked bewildered.
Voldemort nodded, "Poor Bella she loved the oaf and now their child is an orphan", he said happily.
"Now Harry", Voldemort said raising the elder wand, "prepare to die in the hands of Lord Voldemort with the elder wand".
"NO!" Harry said angrily.
"Shouldn't have left it hanging around mate," Voldemort advised him coldly.
Harry thought quickly, he had no wand and Voldemort had two, he started panicking then an idea hit him. He reached into his robe pocket and pulled out a pistol and pointed it at Voldemort. Who laughed and waved it away with a flick of his wand.
Harry took out a knife but Voldemort waved that away too. He took out an axe, a dagger, a rocket launcher, a bomb, a banana but Voldemort waved all those away too.
"You cannot defeat me with your muggle contraptions, Harry"
Harry took out one last thing, a crumple-horned snorkak and waved it at Lord Voldemort's face.
A puff of yellow smoke and Voldemort screamed with pain.
The smoke cleared and Voldemort had the brightest and sleekest ginger hair growing from his baldhead.
Voldemort took out a mirror and peered into it, "I'm ugly!" he sobbed then looked angrily at Harry, "You will pay for this Harry!" he shouted.
Harry tried hard not to laugh; it would not be appropriate as he was just about to die.
"But how did you get the wand?" Harry asked.
"Your mud-blood friend brought it to me in exchange for Krum's life," Voldemort said twiddling the elder wand in his waxen fingers.
"What did you do that for?" Harry demanded, turning to face Hermione.
"You didn't think I was going to marry Ron did you, Krum's an international Quidditch player!" Hermione declared.
"But Ron's gorgeous!" Harry exclaimed blushing heavily.
Ron turned to face Harry with a look of alarm and lust.
"Expelliarmus!" someone shouted.
The two wands Voldemort had been holding soared through the air and landed in Neville's hands.
Neville raised the elder wand and pointed it to Voldemort's chest and bellowed the killing curse. Voldemort fell to the floor dead.
"I killed him!" Neville shouted happily.
"Way to steal my glory Nev," Harry muttered.
"I hate you Harry," Neville spat.
"What?" Harry asked confused.
"You deaf as well as stupid?" Neville teased nastily.
He pointed the elder wand at Harry who backed away nervously.
"Did you really mean that?" Ron asked him, "about me being gorgeous?"
Harry nodded his face feeling hot.
Neville opened his mouth to say the killing curse but he was interrupted by a deafening crash.
Dija stood up and dusted her jeans.
"I've come to save you Harry," she said brightly.
Neville turned to her, looked at her distastefully and spoke,
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Dija, the writer of this spoof!" he waved his wand and Dija turned it a three legged stool.
Neville turned to Harry.
"Why do you hate me Neville?" Harry asked, he was feeling slightly more cheerful, he had always hated the writer, Dija.
"Your horrid English accent!" Neville explained, "I hate it!"
"B-but that's the actor who plays me Nev, not me!" Harry said defensively. This was getting ridiculous!
"Because of you loads of people died, like Colin, and you hated Colin, not to mention Snape," Neville cried.
He waved his wand and yelled, "avarda kadavra", Harry fell to the floor in a crumpled heap, dead. There were gasps throughout the hall and then cheers. A few wizards waved their wands and party streamers and heavy rap music burst into the hall.
"I did it gran!" Neville said happily. His Gran hugged him tightly.
Neville waved his wand the music died down. Everyone looked up at him.
"From now on, you shall refer to me as Lord Neville, at least until I think of something better".
__________________
Chapter one
Regulus walked into the room nervously, this felt exactly like the day he first met Voldemort. His stomach was twisting and turning and he brushed his curly hair with his fingers hoping it was neat – he wanted to make a good first day back impression.
Voldemort beamed at him and offered him a cup of tea. Regulas took it thankfully and drained the cup-he loved tea.
"What did you think?" Voldemort asked him.
The cold voice made the hairs on the back of Regulus' neck stand on end.
"It was good," Regulus answered politely.
"I've been trying a new type of tea bag," Voldemort told him.
Voldemort pointed to the sofa. Regulus sat down obediently. Voldemort joined him nervously.
"Regulus, you are my most faithful death-eater, are you not?"
"Of course, my lord," Regulus replied, trying not to sound worried- what if he knew?
"I need to talk to you about something, someone, to be more precise"
Regulas tried an expression that read polite interest and not the dread he was feeling in every single part of his body.
"I think about him all the time, Regulas, and I don't know whether he knows, I think he doesn't like me in that way, I'm…I think I'm in love, Regulus"
"Does that mean that you and my cousin Bella are over my lord?"
Voldemort nodded, "She just doesn't do it for me, you know".
"Who is the lucky man, my lord?" Regulas asked as Voldemort's hand suddenly moved closer to Regulas.
"You cannot tell anyone Regulas", Voldemort whispered.
"Of course not my lord",
Regulus froze in alarm as Voldemort's hand reached his thigh.
"It's Peter, Regulus"
Relief spread through Regulus and then confusion.
"But is he really your type my lord?"
Just then, the door opened and Lucius walked in straightening his robes.
Voldemort cleared his throat and vanished through the open door blushing heavily.
"Snape's waiting for you upstairs," Lucius jerked his head upwards and winked.
"Are you cheating on my cousin with Severus?" Regulas asked him quickly.
Lucius nodded and said, "don't keep him waiting too long Regulas, he's expecting you".
Regulas rushed upstairs to be with his love Severus.
_______________________________
The next day, the death-eater household were awoken by heavy knocks on the oak doors.
Regulas opened the door and Minerva strolled past him without saying hello.
Two children followed in her wake.
"Is he in?" she asked him from behind.
"Yeah," Regulas answered irritably and followed her into the main room.
"Have you forgotten what day it is, Tom?" Minerva shouted at Voldemort's snake like features as Regulas followed her into the sitting room.
Voldemort shook his head puzzled then he sighed as he noticed the children.
"It's your turn to look after them," Minerva told him, thrusting the two children into Voldemort's arms.
"God mum stop embarrassing dad in front of all his mates," Hermione shouted, throwing her mother a dirty look. She allowed her dad, Voldemort to hug her. Peter appeared at that very moment and handed Voldemort his favourite breakfast – wheetos! Voldemort took the cereal bowl from Peter without meeting his eye and sat back down on the sofa clumsily.
"So how did you get away from Potter and Weasley?" Snape asked Hermione whilst she sat down next to her father and flicked through a teen magazine.
"I didn't, they still think I'm with them," she answered distractedly.
"I don't get you," Regulas said, he watched Snape hungrily as he sipped his tea.
"Well, I just bewitched a sack of potatoes to represent me," Hermione replied checking her painted nails.
Snape was brushing breadcrumbs from his robes daintily.
"Haven't they noticed yet?" Cho - Voldemort's other child inquired.
"Course they haven't, they're right thick!" Hermione exclaimed snapping her magazine shut.
She lit a cigarette and took a long drag from it.
"What have I told you about smoking?" Voldemort demanded angrily, "You know what my chest is like!"
Meanwhile…
Harry, Ron and a sack of potatoes were surrounded by death-eaters in a café.
"What do we do?" Harry asked urgently to the sack of potatoes.
The sack of potatoes gave no reaction.
"You're right Hermione!" Ron shouted and quickly jumped onto the rounded café table. He pulled off his robes and the death-eaters surrounding them ran away shrieking as they viewed Ron's unpleasant tele-tubby themed underwear and freckly chest - the tattoo of a pigmy puff was clearly defined.
"Great thinking Hermione," Harry told the sack of potatoes.
"But I did all the work!" Ron said crossly. Then he eyed the sack of potatoes and said, "ar, you know I can never stay mad with you for too long Hermione".