After a long streak of misfortunate events and one stupid adventure after another, today was one of the best days ever for Kyle. He smiled mischievously at the computer screen in front of him, rubbing his hands together with evil delight. A light cackle escaped his throat.
"Don't get too excited, it's only Cartman's Facebook." Kenny reminded him. He glanced at the computer screen from behind as Kyle hunched over the office chair. Stan sat bored on Kyle's bed, not nearly as amused with all of this as Kyle was. He always thought Facebook was stupid, anyway.
"So how did you get hold of Cartman's password, again?" he asked, not entirely sure why he cared in the first place. Maybe because there was nothing better to do.
Kyle spun around in the swivel chair, grinning like a madman. "I found a password cracking program somewhere, but I didn't think it would actually work! Who would've guessed that his password was something as simple as 'teddybear'?"
"What a fucking retard!" Kenny chuckled.
"Oh, he'll really look like a retard when we're done with him." a devilish glint appeared in Kyle's eyes, briefly matching that of his red hair.
Stan sighed, folding his arms in boredom. "Are you sure this really a good idea? I mean, eventually, he'll find out it was you.."
Kyle turned around again, this time to shoot an angry glare at Stan. "Are you kidding me? Maybe Cartman doesn't bother you as much, but I'm tired of that fat sack of shit. This is hardly fair revenge for all the crap he's done." he snapped. Kenny nodded in agreement.
Kyle rubbed his hands together again, his anger quickly turning back into excitement. This was finally revenge. The thought of having power over Cartman's Facebook page was great. So maybe he was an internet nerd and cared too much about these things, but it was still great.
"Whatever. It just seems like these type of things always backfire." Stan said, knowing that whenever someone tried to trick Cartman, things went wrong. Sometimes, they went very wrong.
Kyle ignored him and clicked on "edit profile" at the top of the screen. There were all kinds of information boxes to fill out, all of which their classmates would read when they viewed his profile. Hehehe. 'Name: Eric Cartman, Age: 10, Hobbies & Interests:..'
"What should we write under 'Hobbies & Interests'?" he pondered aloud, tapping on the keyboard tray. "Come on, I need some funny ideas.."
"Eating fried chicken." Kenny suggested without much thought. Stan finally cracked a smile. If he was going to be stuck here, he might as well help them destroy Cartman's reputation. "Umm..how about, rubbing bacon grease on his man-tits?" he suggested with a laugh. They all giggled.
"Licking used tampons." Kenny added. They spent the next two minutes coming up with several repulsive "interests and hobbies."
The three continued to laugh in mirth at all the obscenely embarrassing possibilities for Cartman's profile. Stan finally began to lighten up. Maybe this could be fun, after all, he thought. Perhaps he was just overestimating Cartman's revenge abilities. It's not like it could be that dangerous to play a simple joke on him.
"Oh, post a picture of him in dressed like a chick!" Kenny urged. Kyle rolled his eyes. "Where are we going to find that?"
"It shouldn't be hard to find one!" Kenny doubled over with laughter. He started to wheeze as the laughter built up, then fell to the ground, clutching and punching at his stomach to keep from choking.
"Don't die on us now, Kenny!" Kyle warned.
Kenny's wheezing turned into a full on choking fit before he fell unconscious. Stan and Kyle exchanged a dreadful glance, ready to bust out their death catchphrases, but then Kenny recovered and sat back up on the carpet.
"Whew, that was close." Kyle sighed. He could only thank Satan for not having to drag a dead body out of his house again.
After several more stupid ideas of what should be done to destroy Cartman's profile of well over five hundred friends, including Cartman's family relatives, Kyle decided on the perfect plan. They wouldn't do anything too obscene, because then it'd be obvious that he'd been hacked. Instead, the best plan would have to look real.
"I've got it. So we want to make him look super gay, right?" he smiled.
"Yep." Stan and Kenny both agreed.
"So, we'll use Butters."
"Ah, Butters." Stan nodded. He didn't even know what the idea was yet, but the mention of Butters' name made it obvious. Of course Butters would be involved, it just wasn't a plan otherwise. He was such a gullible dork that any plan using him could work.
"So, what are we gonna do to him this time?"
"We'll put Butters and Cartman in a relationship." Kyle announced.
Stan rubbed his chin. "That won't work. You can't do that unless you send a request to Butters, and he approves it. I tried it with Wendy."
"Do you really think he wouldn't accept it?" Kyle mused.
Stan thought for a second. It was Butters, who followed Cartman around like a dog, and regularly had sleepovers with. "No."
"Alright, so how do you send a relationship request to someone?" Kyle asked. For the first time ever, the computer genius didn't know something on the computer. Kenny mumbled from behind his hood, chuckling.
Kyle glared at him. "Shut up, Kenny! You never have girlfriends either, you whore!"
The lady's man shrugged, then pushed Kyle out of the computer chair to make way for himself. After clicking a few buttons and pressing a few keys, a box popped up, prompting him to write a message. Kenny started to type into the box.
"Dear Butters: My lust and passion for you is everlasting. I want to suck-"
"Dude, don't write that!" Kyle yelled. Kenny stopped typing, laughing. "Why not?" he grinned.
"Because he's going to know it's fake if you write that. It has to sound real, so he'll accept it."
"Yeah, that might scare him. It should be super gay, but not like that." Stan agreed.
"Ugh. Just move over, I'll write it." This time Kenny was pushed out of the seat as Kyle took the keyboard. He hit the backspace button and began typing a new message.
"Dear Butters: ..."
After a full minute of thinking, he sighed. His mind was completely blank of ideas. "Alright, I give up." he jumped out of the chair. "Stan, you're good at writing gay poems and shit; so you can write it."
Stan frowned and shook his head. "How am I supposed to know what to write?"
"Just pretend you're writing a lame ass poem for Wendy or something."
"I told you guys, I don't like Wendy anymore!" he growled.
"Well pretend it's someone you like then!"
Stan grumbled, but then hunched over the keyboard to type the fake "love letter" from Cartman to Butters. He wondered why had he gotten dragged into this stupid plan in the first place? In a way, he knew Cartman would get them back eventually; that was inevitable. Messing around with Cartman was usually a bad idea. He shuddered as he remembered Scott Tenorman.
"Dear Butters: My love for you is an abysmal, bottomless pit." it took him a moment to think up the first poetic line. Kyle snickered over his shoulder as he wrote it. "It is eternal and everlasting. You are so, so very cool."
They all chuckled at the mention of Butters being "cool".
"Wait, it's missing something." Kyle decided, and grabbed the keyboard. "I can only dream that you would love a fat, disgusting tub of lard like me." he added to the end of the note.
"Are you sure that's believable?" Kenny questioned.
Kyle shrugged. "It's for Butters, does it need to be?"
"You just better hope that Cartman doesn't see it." Stan warned.
"Whatever, that fat ass can't hurt me." Kyle quickly clicked the little SEND button in the corner, and then smiled. He then deleted any traces of the sent message from Cartman's inbox.
The first step to ruining Cartman's reputation (even if his reputation was largely self-imagined) was complete.