Dear Defender
Disclaimer: you should know this by now
This is a bit of what I perceive as Sirius's thoughts after his death. Songfic using the lyrics from the song 'My Wound is Deeper Than Yours' by the musically gifted band, For My Pain.
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Do angels fly higher in the dark?
So now I'm here. My body is gone, but my soul is forever. And Harry cannot feel it. Thanks, Bella. I always knew you were good for something. What I didn't know however, was that my end would come so soon. Yes, I knew I was in constant danger, parties of wizards with wands climbing hills to look for me. But I risked it all. I risked it all for my dear Harry. Like a son to me, he was… LIKE A BLOODY SON! I was his parental unit. And you took that all away from him.
Black is my mind when a new day has come
Black are the tears when I cry
Come here and take my hand, join this misery
The fallen angel set us free
I do not cry for my own demise. I cry for what has, what will, what is to become of my friends because of you. They've already suffered dear great loss; you should have suffered this a long time ago. I don't keep track of the days; I cannot bear to think of them. I feel guilt for falling backward, damn those gravitational pulls. Now you see a different side of Sirius; a side not many knew. I was curious, a friendly and overly hyper kid. I was loyal to the end. But deep inside there dwelled a solitary room, with solitary feelings, and not a chair behind that bolted down door. Darkness reigned inside there. Chaos was the king of Sirius inside. I fought a lot beside myself, and at times it was hard to keep the mask upon my face. And when I was named 'convicted murderer' when I was innocent, everything got worse.
Do angels fly higher in the dark?
Do they crash down and fall apart?
The last thing I saw was Remus holding Harry. It was a quick flash, but it skinned me to the bone. He was holding Harry back from running to me, when he wanted to run to me himself. I wanted to run to him – to embrace him one last time. To apologize for being beaten down – for leaving him alone in a world already abusive. What happens now dear Remus? Did you read the letter I left you on your bedside table? I want you to take care of Harry. You're all he's got.
Let's cut the wings away
and the angel has fallen again
Together in eternal flames
Where the cold razor cares
As of now I don't know what I feel. I'm confused, like a wild animal caged at the zoo. What am I supposed to do?
I can't do anything now.
I do not care if you want to hurt me
Torture is ecstasy to me
You cut my wounds so deep, even deeper than yours
Like fallen angel without remorse
Yes, Bellatrix. I laughed. I had a stupid silly smile on my face before I fell. I assumed my spell had hit you, I assumed it had taken effect, and that's why I turned around to resume battle. But I was still the way I had been when I was young… jump-to-conclusions, semi-oblivious Sirius. And I don't count me down for that, though I do regret it. You can't hurt me now, you never really did. You only hurt yourself by joining Voldemort and Co. This is why I did laugh. This is why I smiled, falling the whole way down that endless tunnel. You may have put me to a finish, but you yourself have got it worse. You were always good for something. Tagging along to look good. Following the darkest of crowds, to look cool and glam. Well now dear cousin, you certainly do look glam. You'll look even better all bloodied up wearing your longest black robe after your Master himself kills you. It happens to everyone. And I'm glad I didn't choose that position to lounge in.
And if you ever again hurt Harry….
Do angels fly higher in the dark?
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A/N: Didn't clearly sum up all the thoughts Sirius had, this fic will probably go into editing and such later on. Will not be expanded. This is also more of an opener to a fic that branches off everyone's lives after Sirius is gone. Please review, please make suggestions, and please flame. I'd like to know what all you like and don't like. And I hate sugar-coating.