Author's Notes:
This is a missing scene, or rather a missing moment from the conversation Steve and Lou had at the end of episode 9x14. While I know that the show will neither make McDanno canon, nor will they out one of the main characters as queer, the episode felt like a perfect (and missed) opportunity.
I deliberately did not mention Danny, he somehow didn't fit in, and he wasn't in the episode either, but it can be read as McDanno I guess, as well as Steve/OC.
Steve rubbed a hand over his face, trying for a smile. They had dealt with some heavy shit today and he felt exhausted, physically and emotionally. The smile he eventually managed for Lou felt forced and fake and it disappeared just as quickly as it had come.
He took a drink of his beer, trying to sort out his thoughts. He had come here to see if Lou wanted to talk, had intended to hear him out and cheer him up. But too much of what Lou had told him had reflected his own feelings, had stirred them up even further than today's events already had. He felt more torn up than he had in a long time.
Lou clinked his beer bottle against Steve's and they drank, sitting in a heavy silence for a moment.
"Is there something you wanna share?" Lou asked and Steve wasn't surprised. Lou might not be a detective, but he had great people skills. Steve had expected questions, had expected them even earlier than now with the way he had behaved today, the things he had said so candidly.
Instinctively though, he shook his head. DADT was history, had been for nearly ten years, but it was still ingrained in his blood. He had accepted the rule, had bent to it, suffered under it, had let it define him.
It wasn't easy shaking it off, as badly as he wanted to. He didn't want to hide who he was. Who he had become in these past nine years. His return to Hawaii had coincided with the repeal as if it had been a sign.
He let the silence drag on, knowing it was an answer in itself and Lou eyed him curiously over his beer.
For whichever reason and weirdly enough, it had never been a topic at the office before. There had never been a touchpoint, a trigger, not until today. There had never been a struggle to keep composure, the need for denial or even an outright lie.
Steve knew he had let the truth shine through today. He could have kept it neutral easily and he knew just as well that no one would doubt him if he kept it all to himself now. Not Lou, not anyone.
The thing was, he didn't want to. Not anymore.
Annie had impressed him. Sure, she was young and inexperienced. She was afraid of what her parents wanted to put her through. But more than that she knew what she wanted, she knew who she was and she was ready to fight for it. Times had changed. So much had changed since he'd been in her place.
It took him another long moment to gather the courage he needed, but eventually he said "Yes, there's something I wanted to say."
Lou twirled the beer bottle in his hands and nodded slightly, raising an expectant eyebrow and Steve was sure he had already guessed what he was about to hear.
"I wanted to thank you, Lou, for backing me up when we were talking to Annie's parents this morning." Lou gave him a confused look at that and Steve continued. "What you said there, it means a lot. It's not about choice, and it's not crossed wires—"
He stopped, clenching his jaw and balling his hand into a fist, allowing himself for a short moment to feel all the emotions he had suppressed before. Before, this morning and the last thirty years.
With the skill and practice acquired over years, he shoved all the anger and hurt and humiliation resolutely to the back of his mind. It was neither the time nor the place.
"I'm gay, Lou," he said, directly, tersely, looking Lou straight in the eyes.
Lou nodded again, more vividly this time. "Can't say I'm much surprised, buddy," he said, confirming Steve's assumption from before. Another moment of silence passed between them, but then a smile appeared on Lou's face and he held out his beer bottle for another salute. "Thank you for telling me, man."
It felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders. This wasn't strictly his first coming out, but he could still count the people who knew about him on one hand. Two of them had taken his secret to their graves.
No, he told himself sternly, not a secret, not anymore. He owed that much to himself. But he also owed it to people like Annie, young people who were still figuring out who they wanted to be.
"I should have told Annie, too," he said. It was one thing to offer help and support, it was a whole different thing to show that he understood because he was the same.
Hell, he should have told her parents outright and to their faces that he was gay, too, and what he thought of conversion therapy and sin. Even if it wouldn't have changed a thing.
"Hey, don't beat yourself up, man, you take one step at a time," Lou said. "You did for her what you could, you helped her a lot."
Steve shrugged resignedly, but gave a reluctant nod. He finished his beer and put the empty bottle down on the bar with maybe a little too much emphasis. Lou eyed him for a moment, then he did the same and signed for another round.
"Are you gonna tell the team, then?"
Steve considered the question for a moment. He had pushed the door open already, even if his instincts still screamed no!, but a better opportunity would hardly be found.
"Yes, I think I would like that," he said and the smile came more easily now. "I just… I have to talk to someone first."
Lou's answering smile grew as comprehension dawned. "Are you two happy?"
"Yeah, man, very much so."
The bartender chose that moment to replace their empty beers with fresh ones and Lou picked his up right away. He held the bottle up towards Steve and said "I love you, man."
Steve took his own beer and clinked the bottle against Lou's. "Love you, too."