Running at the speed of sound, the Blue Blur made his way to Battlefield. "Shoot! How could I have overslept?"
Today was the big day. A new character had just been brought onboard and Sonic was selected by Daddy Sakurai himself to show them the ropes of Smashville.
Unfortunately, after Mario's big party the previous night, Sonic was severely spun out. His adopted brother Ken had to carry him home and tuck him in. When Sonic finally awoke, he took one look at his alarm clock and thought nothing of it. Moments into the first bite of his Chili Dog CrispsTM, Sonic saw the date. There was a big red circle adorning April 17. Update 3.0 was underway.
Sonic had to run faster than usual, shattering glass windows all around Smashville with his sonic booms.
Ness and Lucas were helping some Mr. Saturns cross the street. Sonic screamed and skid to a halt. He had nearly plowed down the poor little guys.
"So doing," said one of the Mr. Saturns in disgust.
"Okay," Ness said as he glared at Sonic.
Sonic tapped his foot impatiently. "Excuse me, fellas, but I'm kind of in a hurry."
Lucas felt Sonic's sense of urgency and used Teleport to warp the annoying hedgehog to Battlefield. "Sweet! I just used Chaos Control somehow!" he said with a smirk.
"Hello, Sonic!" said a short grape-like creature riding atop a ball.
"Who in my better-than-Nintendo life are you?" Sonic gasped.
"My name is Marx," the grape hovered skywards and unleashed his potent fury. "It's time for our battle!"
Sonic shrugged. "Oh, you must be the new guy Sakurai mentioned." He put on a sassy fighter stance. "Let's do this!"
And so, Sonic and the cosmic jester waged war. Marx was a lot tougher than he looked and his abilities were quite unsettling. Right when Sonic thought he had successfully pulled off a jab-lock, Marx withdrew his wings and shot out fiery veins from his core. Sonic was sent sky high.
"Not bad, Marx," said Sonic, clapping as he hopped off his revival platform. "Next time, we'll have a much meatier match."
Marx snickered. "Oh, we aren't done quite yet, Blue Boy!"
"We?"
Just then, a huge knife flew by and almost cleaved Sonic's head clean off.
"The chaos has only just begun!" laughed Marx.
Sonic jumped back to his feet. He was surprised to see Marx vacate Battlefield. Instead, a new challenger approached.
"Good evening, Sonic!" cackled the giddy foe. "Let the games begin!"
All of a sudden, the whole world was revolving. Sonic was starting to get motion sickness, but was quickly reminded of the dangers ahead as knives and spades were being pelted at him from all angles.
Marx sat on the sidelines, laughing while inhaling his bag of popcorn. "Now you gotta find a way to tire out my boy Jevil!"
"Wow, Sakurai made a new tag-team character? I guess Pokemon Trainer ain't so special after all!" Sonic said as he zoomed around like the most annoying Sm4sh character ever. Good thing this was Ultimate and included zero new Sonic remixes.
"Let's ride the carousel game!" giggled Jevil as he threw a heinous cylinder of horses at Sonic.
Sonic did his best to dodge all of Jevil's crazy attacks. For some reason, Sonic felt that this fighter was very similar to Ness, but he couldn't tell why.
"This is it, boisengirls! See ya!" Jevil was able to land a Final Smash on Sonic because competitive play is for chumps. Sonic was launched again and Jevil hopped off the stage to rejoin Marx.
"What brilliant chaos!" laughed Jevil.
Sonic respawned and rubbed his sore back. "Okay, did you just forfeit or something?"
"No, just tired of fighting such a weakling as yourself," replied Jevil. He then went to sleep for 100 years.
"Please don't tell me there's another one of you…" muttered Sonic.
"Another one of 'them'?" scoffed a voice from behind. A green haired human in a purple suit slowly approached Sonic. "I wouldn't put myself on the same level as those fools. I am truly a self-made man, you see…"
Sonic groaned. "And who are you?"
"Some people call me a nuisance. To others, I'm 'him'. Most just point and scream. But you, friend, can refer to me as 'Joker'."
Sonic rolled his single bulbous eye. "Let's make this quick. All this tomfoolery is giving me a headache…"
"Why the rush?" Joker slid up to Sonic and brandished his knife. "Let's have a nice chat. Get to know one another. I'll tell ya a little about myself." Joker took a photo of his Mercedes-Benz and his Ford Mustang. "Do you know how I got these cars?"
"You stole them?" said Sonic.
Joker was clearly offended. "No! I worked hard and saved up my money!"
Marx was taken aback as well. "Sheesh, Sonic! You judgmental jerk!"
Jevil awoke from his eternal slumber. "How rude!"
Sonic was totally ashamed of his harsh accusations. In a desperate attempt remove himself from the conversation, he SD'd, losing his last stock and forwarding the victory the Joker Team.
Sonic trudged home and plopped down in front of the television. He was about to fall asleep, but then a news report popped up featuring Sakurai.
"Attention! Due to some issues we've experienced with the E-shop, the new character's release will be temporarily unavailable for some consumers. Therefore, our introductory battle between the newcomer and Sonic The Hedgehog with be postponed until tomorrow. Thank you. Have a wonderful evening!"
Sonic groaned. "You gotta be joking!"