My Baby

I was sitting on the side of my bed, rocking my son's crib. It had been a long and tiring day for everyone.

The blind school that Hester-Sue, my husband and I ran held its first year anniversary celebration today. It was also a fundraiser to help raise enough money to start the new addition on the building.

Hester-Sue and Alice Garvey were downstairs finishing up the dishes and while Adam was putting the last of the students to bed.

I leaned over and picked up my baby, Adam Jr. I brushed my thumb over his forehead. He made a few small sounds, finally giving into tiredness.

I cannot see and most likely will never be able to see what my baby looks like. No matter what I have told people, including Adam, I never stopped having reservations about having and raising children.

Before I married Adam, I was so concerned about me being blind meaning I should not have children that we almost did not marry. He reminded me that we take care of dozens of children and I have no problem with them, but they are blind as well and not my own biological children.

But I love Adam and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

I remember when I had my first miscarriage. Of course I was in pain, but I also was relieved. I felt that I was not at all ready to raise a baby. I would never tell anyone that though.

I felt terrible. Even though I have a son now, I still am unsure about having anymore children. Sometimes when I wake up and go to him, it feels like I am taking care of someone else's baby. I know it is wrong, but I cannot even help it.

I do not want something awful to happen Adam Jr. because my husband and I are blind. I always was very responsible as a kid, but after going blind, I did not want the responsibility of a child anymore.

I did it for Adam. He wanted children and a home and a job. Adam wanted a life that anyone else could have. He was okay with being blind and still living a normal life. I am not, though I might speak otherwise. I am working on it.

Ever since I started working at the blind school as a teacher, that is all I ever wanted to do again. Teach and live in the blind school. That is everything I want and the only thing I could have. I did not want to raise a child being blind.

I might have had hope when I thought my sight was returning, but that was short lived.

I put my son back in his crib and opened his music box, so he could fall asleep to the sweet sound. I hummed along with the tone. I am trying my best as a blind mother.

"Mary. Hester-Sue just put some coffee on. Do you wanna come down for some?" I heard Adam ask me from the doorway.

"In a minute. Let me just finish putting our son down."

I heard Adam walk besides me. "You better not be giving your mother trouble. Boy. He is strong, just like his ma. Good night muscles."

I smiled. "Are you talking to me or him?"

"Both." Adam walked out, leaving me alone with our son.

A few minutes went by when I smelt the coffee from downstairs. I was too tired to walk down and be social tonight. I just wanted to rest. Then I heard the door open again.

"Mary. Come on. There's a fire. We have to get the children." Adam grabbed my arm in a rush.

The blind children needed my help. I left my son in his crib and went with Adam. I had no idea how bad the situation was, so we quickly made our way to other bedrooms and got every child out. I got all of the girls out and stopped at the top of the staircase. Adam was already making his way downstairs with the boys. The air around me was getting hot and I got feel flames on the walls next to me.

"The baby."

I immediately turned around, but I blast of heat and smoke startled me. I stuttered in step. What if I could not find my way out with my baby?

"Don't worry. I'll get the baby."

I heard Mrs. Garvey say as she motioned me to get out of the house with the other children. I ran outside and sat with them. I held onto some of the younger children to calm them down. I could hear the fire, burning down the building my husband and I worked so hard to create. Then, I realized something.

"Hester-Sue, where's Alice with the baby?" Adam asked in desperation.

Hester-Sue did not respond.

"Where are they Hester-Sue?" I screamed for any kind of answer, but she still did not say anything. I did not know what came over me. All the stress and restless nights of raising a child blind came forward. "My baby. My baby. My baby! My baby!"

Hester-Sue started to scream. "Adam, no! It's too late! Adam, it's too late."

I realized our baby was not coming out of the smoldering building as I gazed in udder shock.

My ma was sitting besides me, trying to comfort me. She was telling me to head home and rest...I think. I could not get my own thoughts out of my head. I should have grabbed my son when I had the chance. It should not have been Alice. Now, they both were gone.

What kind of mother am I?

I felt at blame. I told myself I would not be able to handle a child. I said to myself over and over again that I did not want children, even after I had given birth. God heard those words in my head, so he took my son away. I knew it. I never should have tried to have children.

Nothing was going to be the same. The blind school was gone. The children left. Adam would be morning his son. This was not how I dreamed my life would be like. No one would understand. How could they? I did not want to talk to anyone.

Many people were walking around where the blind school once stood, trying to figure out what caused the fire. Adam was somewhere. I could not face him after what I had been thinking; not having a son, then having his son taken away.

I just wanted to rest.

I woke up on a bed, but it was not my own. I could not remember. Where was I?

"Adam?" I sat up and screamed.

"It's okay, Mary. I'm right here."

I felt so confused. "This isn't our bed. Where are we?"

"Mary, we're at Nellie's. Remember?"

Then it came back to me. The fire. The school. My baby. I remembered everything, but I did not want to believe it. I should have grabbed my son. I put everyone through a tragedy. I could not believe it. I refused to believe it. It was just a dream.

"Adam, why are we at Nellie's? Why are we at Nellie's?" I knew why, but maybe if Adam said something different. Maybe it was not true.

"The fire. Remember? The blind school burned down." Adam said to me. No. Maybe my son was still alive.

"Where is our baby? Adam, where is our baby? Adam, give me my baby! I want him!" I did not believe him. It was a dream.

"Mary, our baby...our baby is dead."

"You are lying! You are Lying! Lying! Lies! Lies! Lies!" I yelled. I tried to get up and get away from Adam.

It was not true. It could not true. How could I!

I heard something. Music. Some kind of music. It was the music I played for my son on the music box. Where was he?

"My baby! My baby! My baby! My baby." I would keep screaming until I got my baby back.

"I didn't mean it. I am sorry. It was an accident. Oh, I didd't mean it." Who was that and what did he mean an accident?

I kept screaming. It was all my fault. I wished my baby away and now he was gone.

"My baby! My baby! My baby."

"Ma. Pa."

I could hear my ma whispering to me. "It's alright, Mary. I'm here."

"Pa?" I opened my eyes, to show them that I was coming to.

"I am right here too, Mary." I could hear him at my feet.

"Ma. My baby. My baby is gone. He dead in the fire. It was all true."

Ma came in and hugged me.

"Adam. Where is Adam?" I wanted to her my husband's voice. I wanted to say that I was sorry...about everything.

"He's back at the house. Laura and Albert are looking after him." Pa told me.

Wait.

"Albert. He was here. He was saying something to me." I started to remember.

My pa continued. "He wanted to give you the music box as a present. You gave him quite a fright."

"The music. Albert said something to me. He said that he was sorry. That he did't mean it. It was an accident."

"Charles," Hester-Sue was here too. "The day of the fire...well, I never even considered anything of the sort. I saw Albert and Clay in the basement. Now, I didn't see what they were doing down there. You said a pipe started that fire."

I heard pa's boots on the floor as he walked out of the room.

It had been a few months since the fire at the old blind school. Laura had been able to find us a building to start a new school in Sleepy Eye. It was bigger, but needed a lot of cleaning up to be considered a functional schoolhouse. City life would take some time to get used to, but I went through it once before.

"I think we should have the children review their multiplication tomorrow." Adam spoke to me from the desk in our room. I was sitting on the bed brushing my hair.

"Alright. Now put that work away and come to bed." I laughed a bit.

Adam walked over to me. He kissed my check and jumped under the covers.

"Adam." I bit my tongue.

"Yea?"

For months, I have wanted to tell my husband about our late son. I wanted to tell him all my thoughts about not having children, how I would never be ready to have children of my own, how God my have taken away our son for a reason because of me and everything else. I could not hurt him though.

"This is the life that I always dreamed of having with you. I love you."

He kissed my lips, just as he did when we kissed for the very first time.