Test Subject

"How's the test subject?"

"Subject seems stable. Breathing stable - Shall we progress to phase two?"

"Phase two authorized - Commence immediately."

-SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH-

I remember... it all started when I broke down over the littlest of all things. I was use to customers being dissatisfied, I was use to dealing with that but this time was different my mind had flipped a switch and I knew I had snapped mentally exhausted. The worst part was that all my friends were around - Everyone saw. I blamed myself for my falters of the repair not being done in time they all said it was beyond my control and pretty soon my face began to contort and I was losing it. I told myself to stay together as I did everyday to remain strong as I always had to but I couldn't - A gasp for air as a noise of discomfort left my mouth. I knew what was next, tears and I refused to let anyone see them I refused to degrade myself to this level. Automatically I raised a hand to my face, palm covering all features but before I knew it Aki was beside me - She whispered my name, touched my shoulder and I shattered into pieces as the tears couldn't stop.

My body shook and I could hear Crow and Jack mumble my name, something about finally snapping and Aki simply held onto me in a close embrace as my hand remained up to my face, though unable to move away from her presence as my world seemed to fall down around me. I knew I shouldn't have been this upset from something so simple I felt like an idiot for breaking over something so simple. Why did I break from something so simple? Why... Did I...?

It wasn't many days after that that I was forced into therapy by my friends for my own good. I didn't want to, I explained I was fine. Inside however I knew it was for the best, although I still didn't see any point I was fine now and it was just another expense we didn't need to deal with.

The first day I went wasn't all that intrusive it was simply getting to know one another. The women however looked more like a scientist than a counselor. It wasn't until later I found out I had been sent straight to a psychiatrist instead of starting with a counselor. She didn't seem intimidating at all however, which is what one of the profession is not to be I suppose they are suppose to help you correct? She withheld a soft face, clear complexion with square glasses and ashy blonde hair which was always tied up into a high ponytail.

"Mr. Fudo?" She questioned as an eyebrow raised obviously catching my observance of her overall appearance.

"It's nothing. Continue."

"Very well."

Weeks sessions had passed and I was apparently too reserved for her liking's not giving her enough to go off of. I wasn't about to change either, however her findings were interesting to say the least.

Medication was next, she recommended I take pills to control my 'problems.' I didn't see the need and I insisted that I shouldn't have to take them. She insisted that I take them however, saying it would help my mental state among my other now protruding problems. Though I didn't understand what 'protruding' problems she was talking about. How could she be aware of newly formed problems now appearing when I myself wasn't even aware of them?

I took them, however I insisted they made me feel ill. I knew some of my friends were concerned with the factor of over prescribing and I didn't want to ever worry anyone. In all honesty I couldn't lie with myself either as I was anxious about the thought of being over medicated as well.

My constant withholding of information caused her to only become more frustrated with me however, I could tell as the signs became more clear with obvious irate sighs and huffs. Though I never wanted to ever bother anyone with my said problems so it could be months before I began to share certain information - Which the fact was it had been.

As time passed she eventually led me to a room for something she liked to call 'observance.' I paced around the room wondering what was to happen and eventually I was forced into a jacket which retrained my arms and moved to another room... This time padded. It was at this moment fear instantaneously sunk in because I knew what these rooms were for - The insane.

My mind went into overdrive as I looked around the room and breathing increased - hyperventilating and I couldn't help it as I heard sobs escape from my throat. Were they watching me? Could they see me cry? Could they see everything I did? Was I still in this 'observance' stage or had that ship finally sailed?

A tap of a pen against a clipboard as a woman's voice read aloud observing from afar to said questioning mechanic; "Subject seems extremely volatile, self sentimental, suffering from damage, neurotic impulses. Experiences feelings of euphoria to extreme disappointment within moments. Daddy issues perhaps from a cause of over discipline leading to a greater mental concept for remorse."

I asked for answers, I plead to deafened ears as assistants dealt with me. No one would tell me what was going on - I honestly wondered why I hadn't started in a hospital first before being moved here or wouldn't I be transferred to a hospital after this?

Eventually I had been given answers and her continuing theories. I would argue that she was wrong and there was no possible way I could have 'daddy issues' since my father was deceased. This however, only expanded her ludicrous theories.

I no longer could keep track of how long I was here all I knew was that I wanted out and tears became a daily liquid which would fall down my face, I wouldn't even have to blink anymore they simply would escape from my eyes. My face was pasty from tears, I could tell after a certain amount of time and it soon came to a point where I didn't care to wipe my face anymore. At first it was all I wanted to do - Wipe away the pasty exterior so no one could see that I had cried, but now I simply didn't care.

It wasn't until they came to visit. My friends came and I saw the sadness in their eyes as they entered the room. Aki simply looked away distraught, Crow and Jack looked to the floor troubled - Ruka wasn't sure what to do... However the one that hurt the most was Rua. His childhood innocence and exuberance was full as he entered the room his face was lit up as it always had been he started with his usual excitable shout of my name as if he were about to ask for a duel but as soon as his eyes laid upon my face and my face met with his the enthusiasm was gone. His face dropped and there was no longer a brightly lit child before me - Instead there was a crushed and devastated boy who's face soon contorted into confusion as he looked from his sister to Jack, to Crow and then to Aki.

Jack and Crow faked smiles saying how nice it was to see me again. Aki came up and hugged me her body shaking as she did so, I heard little gasps and swore I could see her lips trembling - Though that was my own mental picture I knew. Ruka was next as she meekly told me to feel better before departing with the others, Rua looking back to myself and then the door repeating the motion about a half dozen times before exiting completely.

I couldn't count how many days it had been since the visit, all I knew was that they seemed to visit less frequently - Or perhaps they still did visit frequently but I just couldn't ever tell or seemed to care. Was the sparkle still in my eyes? They say it leaves after you lose hope. I never thought I would lose hope but here it had happened and it wasn't long until after another visit my mind couldn't take it anymore as I screamed.

I could feel it happen all at once as I couldn't control it. My head tilted back, eyes squeezing shut, chin tilting into the air and a murderous scream. I didn't realize what was happening at first. My thoughts argued with myself; Who was that? Who screamed? They sound like they need help! I need to help them! They're dying!

A gasp and sob escaped from my mouth fighting the restraints. I need to help them! They're dying! They need help! Let me help them!

Another scream.

More gasps, more sobs.

"LET ME HELP THEM!" I screamed voice becoming scratchy from such intensity.

Another scream of bloody murder and I couldn't figure out why my throat was so sore. I wasn't the one screaming. I wasn't the one who needed help.

I wanted to hold my head by the sides, I wanted to stop the tears that rushed down my face. I wanted to stop the screaming that haunted me unable to help this person as my eyes shot open screaming with desperation;

"LET ME HELP THEM! I DON'T NEED HELP! I DON'T NEED HELP! I DON'T NEED HELP!"

I repeated these words on loop, screaming them over and over again. Screaming I didn't need help. I was fine and I needed to help this person.

"Subject is now in stages of full denial progress to stage three - Realization and administrative medicate."

Days continued to progress and I was surprised my thought process was still functioning as assistants visited me everyday giving me pills to take along with the food they fed me, though I refused each day keeping my mouth shut and turning my face away.

It wasn't until some time later I could feel my mind begin to numb, my mind was fuzzy as if I were buzzed from the harm of alcohol. I began not to care because it didn't matter anyways the only person who I truly trusted with my problems was gone and even then I didn't tell him my problems... He just knew and could somehow persuade them out of me.

Time passed and it was at one point my door was left open a crack as I blinked stiffly lifting my head, raising a brow wondering if it was a mistake - Though couldn't be bothered to wriggle my way there. Though it was then it was my turn to hear a scream and exasperated shout of a woman's voice. I hadn't heard it in a while but I could tell it was my psychiatrist.

"I can't take this anymore! He's an unsolvable problem! His problems there's so many I can't- I don't understand what I'm suppose to do next!"

Another shout and groan and scrambling of feet was soon heard as I heard her assistants try to calm her down;

"You have to calm down!" One man shouted.

"You'll get this!" Another man coached before a laughter was heard the woman's voicing talking in between full on manic gaiety;

"That's what you think isn't it?! You think I'm some sort of miracle worker! Well I'll tell you all I'm not! I'm just as fucked up as all of you are! You think we're all perfect?! You think I'm not as sick as anyone else? We're all sick! We're all cracked! We're all imperfect! I'm just as fucked up as he is!"

More laughs.

She broke.

I broke her.

I always feared I would.

My problems, my becoming bothersome to another it would only add up until their mind couldn't take it anymore. Everyone's burdens and mental exhaustion on one mind? It was bound to break as well and this was her point.

I broke her.

I knew I was broken, I knew I had problems and I was afraid to have them shown and professionally diagnosed - They now were and this is where it had gotten me.

All my worst fears had come to light, however they only manifested into more - Fears never go away they come and they stay - only some may leave but they never permanently do they'll always reside in your mind.

The only thing that comes and goes is life.

To never feel... Is it truly better than to feel at all? The only thing that goes away and stays away is life. The only thing that cannot stay is death.

Death cannot be revived - It may be tried and true but it cannot unless that of a deity which then is also uncertain of even existing.

Though the thing that may bring us most salvation is the thing we also fear the most - Death. Our minds argue because we fear what we don't know, even if in the end it's the one thing that could make us feel truly alive.

However I will continue on because that's all we know to do. It's the 'right' thing to do. Keep strong, and keep going because eventually - Eventually we may have that life we so picture.

I however feel selfish for I have all I could wish for yet I still feel this way - Though if we keep continuing even when we thought all hope was lost then that means we still have one ounce of hope left in ourselves - Even if we think we're simply living for others we're not.

Hope is a strong facade and illusion, but it's what keeps us strong and here for our world.

For without hope we see ruin but even one spark... And one candle lit of hope can start to bring that ruin into creation.

We all break and we all have pain - But in the end it's up to hope.

Though perhaps the real secret is learning to thrive off that pain.