Disclaimer: Story's mine, no one else's. The characters and everything that goes with Card Captor Sakura belongs to the one and only CLAMP. Not me.
Author's Note: This is another plot bunny I got after reading an Eriol/Tomoyo fic. "He" is pretty self explanatory, "she" is Tomoyo. I apologize for any OOCness in this.
This is my "gift" to Eriol - many thanks to my readers and the 20+ (!) people who think I'm a good author. (blushes) Enjoy?
Summary: He finds her complicated, but interesting.
He finds her complicated, but interesting.
She's wrapped herself around an invisible shield that no one can touch or get through. An enigma – that's what she is to him. He can never figure why she hides herself behind a mask; he can easily see through her clumsy façade, and know all her secrets.
Not that she would want me to know them in the first place anyway, he thinks with an amused smile on his face.
Her secrets are what make her intriguing; the way she so carefully enshrouds them in herself so no one could see leaves him wanting to know even more about her than he already knows.
He wants to know more – more than just her name, her status in society . . he wants to know why she keeps hurting herself even though she wants to be happy – or at least appear to be – for the people she cares about. He wants to truly know the real Daidouji Tomoyo; what lies beyond the soft, caring smile and extraordinary wisdom and understanding. The real person is whom he wants to see.
And he knows he's deluding himself by hoping for that; he knows she'll never let anyone see what pain she hides – especially when that "anyone" includes him.
But still, he can't help hoping that she'll be brave one day and show her real emotions to everyone, the people whom she cares about – even if she doesn't want them to be troubled or worried for her and her pain. Some day she'll be brave and strong enough to show her true feelings and not feel pained for it. That he knows.
He sighs softly under his breath. Will she always act the watchful, encouraging best friend role forever? The one role she's been playing to perfection all these years?
He's watched her blossom from the scheming matchmaker in a camerawoman's clothing to a loving, refined and gracious lady. He's watched her from the sidelines, just as she's always watched Sakura and Syaoran from the sidelines herself – their silent cheerleader and supporter.
For a fleeting moment he wonders if those words she's uttered to Sakura before – "If the person I care about is happy, then I'm happy" – ever sounded like a lie to her ears. Had she been convincing herself that, if she tried her hardest, she would be happy for both Sakura and Syaoran?
If only for a brief glimpse, he needs to know – and see – who she truly is; and why and when she's come to mean so much to him. And not just in the casual, polite, "friends only" way, either – no, this time it's different. It's something more – he feels something completely different than what he felt whenever he had been near Kaho Mizuki.
And in a flash it all comes together for him. What he's feeling now is not only completely unlike what he had thought he had felt for Kaho – it's what he has felt for her, all along.
All along it has been her. Not Kaho. The violet-eyed girl is the only one he feels this – this love – for.
His head swims from the incredulity of it all. How could he not have seen it? He, the half reincarnation of Clow Reed, one of the world's most powerful, if not the most powerful – sorcerers!
He, who could see with only a fleeting glance and feel with a slight twinge – how could he have been so oblivious? He had never even felt love for Kaho in the first place – it had been his mind's mistake. A trick that his so-called intelligence had played on him – he had been so completely fooled, and gullible – automatically thinking that it was "right" to be with Kaho, and not anyone else.
He could decide for himself whether that was the case, but . . there'd been a glitch. A supposedly tiny little one, but it had affected his life in more ways than he had ever imagined. His mind had tricked him – it had tricked him into thinking that he and Kaho . . . belonged together. They had been destined for each other.
He winces at that. Destiny, fate – they seem to be his enemy. Always dictating his life, and controlling it, making him feel utterly helpless at their onslaught. And one thing that Hiiragizawa Eriol hated feeling was helplessness. He liked being sure of things, and he was always confident. But that was a barrier, an invisible mask he had created for himself.
If he let it, it would eat him up inside until he was nothing but an empty shell of his former self. He would look as he had always looked – but his personality, his character would be different, twisted by the fates to surrender and do their bidding. That was how he would feel – like Macbeth, if he let destiny take control of him and what his life was "supposed" to be like. If he let it . . .
How bitter he was! He chuckles hollowly, bitterly. It's because of his resignation to the fates that he realizes why she hides behind a mask, disguising her true self. He knows why, because he's done it himself. He's always done it, as far as he can remember.
And that's a pretty long time, he thinks darkly. Not only does he know why she wraps herself in layers upon layers of secrets and happy, loving masks – he can't blame her for it.
He can't blame her for it . . hiding the pain – not hiding from, he firmly reminds himself - somehow makes her stronger.
Not feeling anything makes her feel up to anything, even if she knows, deep inside that it isn't the truth. It is all lies, lies that she's feeding to comfort herself, to heal away the intense hurt.
Yet . . if he were to cover up his pain, he would feel better. In an ironic way – but if he just forgets the ache, or doesn't acknowledge its existence, he feels . . . healed.
That's the best way he can put it. And he realizes while she won't let him in on her secrets, he'll just have to peel them away, one by one, exposing every intricate layer she's created. Even if it hurts her – the intense agony will eventually heal, leaving scars . . scars that she won't forget, but scars that also enable her to move on.
Although she doesn't want to, he knows – he wouldn't want to have his secrets exposed either. But . . for her health, and future happiness, it has to be done. Otherwise she wouldn't be free – she would be caged within herself. Confined in a personal prison she had unknowingly built, layer by layer; her own self-destruction.
He catches her looking at him quizzically, and he snaps back to reality, noticing the look of – is it wistfulness? – on her face right then.
He repeats his thoughts to himself, and knows with every fragment of magical knowledge that he possesses that it's all true – all of it. This isn't his mind playing tricks on him on what's truly "right" and what's truly "wrong" for him – every shred of it is true. He feels it beating in his heart, coursing though his blood, running through his scattered thoughts in his brilliant mind – he knows this is the truest feeling he's ever known.
He smiles at her – a true, unhidden smile. It tells of so many secrets he holds within him – ones that he hasn't held back. Until now.
She smiles gently back at him; a real smile;
giving him a brief sign on what she feels. Then the both of them hide
behind their ever smiling façades and go back to their work.
When the bell rings, signaling the end of the school day, he waits
until she finishes gathering up her things, and asks her "May I walk
you home, Daidouji-san?" Answering him with "I'd like that very much,
Hiiragizawa-san" and a small turn of her mouth, they walk out, soon
deeply immersed in a conversation about musical pieces.
The two of them are as polite as ever, and he wonders if they sound like broken records. But he doesn't mind being respectful – he's always been that way; it's a part of him. Much like it's a part of her.
If he got to walk her home even with the polite barrier they've set between themselves, he would be content. Because one day, he has a feeling that they'll take down the unseen wall and become closer friends.
For now, he'll keep hoping – forever, if he wants to. The rest of his life, if he has to. That's what he'll do, he resolves to himself. So he can finally see and know the true Tomoyo . . and she can finally know and see the true Eriol.
He finds her complicated, he reflects, but in the end, that's what makes her interesting.
(fin)