Don't own Fruits Basket, Avril Lavigne, blah bla bla.

All I ever wanted

Was for you to know

Everything I do

I give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe

I need to feel you here

With me, yeah

It was like a stabbing pain, each time I looked at her—knowing what I had done, and that for so long, she had been in pain because of my actions, and that I was the only one at fault, for letting it go on as long as I had. I had been selfish—when she found out about who I was, the hideous curse over me, that was when I should have sent her away. I knew it would only end in pain, but even so I had kept her with me as long as was possible, trying to shut away the guilt by foolish thoughts of hope, continuing on with the idea that love could conquer all, like life—and love—were all some big fantasy, though I knew all along it would hurt more for both of us if I let it go on.. but oh, how I craved her. She was my spring, a solid beam of sunlight, melting the bitter winter of my heart. The warmth felt like nothing I had experienced, and I became addicted. I felt like I couldn't ever let her go and my heart ached when I ever thought of the possibility of it. Then I did the most foolish thing imaginable. I asked him for something I knew he would never allow.

He was furious, of course. I knew he would have never allowed it. That was when everything came crashed down around me and what I knew was bound to happen finally did. I saw her look at me, as her eyes shone with pain, and I could almost it beginning as she raised her hands up to block out the vision. I could almost see her sanity began to trickle away from her, and I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to hold away the knowledge of what I would have to do.

It came, though. I could see her guilt and shame and hatred towards the things she couldn't protect me against grow and it wasn't the same. I knew I had to deliver her, but I waited until I was forced to, holding onto the vague hope that there was some alternative to save her from what she had become. But when it got to the point where I couldn't bear to look at her because the pain of what I was responsible for beat down on my heart like a hammer to a nail, I knew I was going to have to take it all away from her.

I brought her to the room where it was all to take place—the end of my dreams, my hopes. I gently placed my hand over her eyes and I had to force myself to not run away from her. This is what she needed. She reached out, grasping my hand, and my nerve almost melted into nothingness. She fell down, and it was only then that I realized I had acted. Tears spilled out over my eyes and flowed down my cheeks. I stood up as she was led away, and there it all went.

I wish I could have saved her. I wish I could have been more then worthless. I almost wish she had never met me, but I was too selfish for even that. I have to hang onto the memories of a time long ago, because it's all I have left. Spring came, and then it went, a gentle breeze of fresh air which gave way to winter again. I try all I can to bring back some of the light, and the joy, and I am better then before we met, or so I like to think. Because I can't bear that it was all worthless.

Sometimes, though, when nobody is around to distract me, I wonder if it would have been better to never taste the breath of spring.

Thanks to Within Temptation for giving me songs to listen to while I was writing and stuffs! And thanks to Fruits Basket for Hatori since he's my secret lover. 33