Happy Rite of Passage Meisters
Disclaimer: Gundam is copyrighted by Sunrise. Haibane Renmei is copyrighted by Radix. Fullmetal Alchemist is copyrighted by Aniplex. Everyone else is owned by their rightful copyright owners. I don't earn money for this.
Disclaimer: This story is potentially politically incorrect and somewhat offensive. So if you don't like the subject matter, don't read any further.
Story: Most of the male cast of Gundam 00 besides Setsuna missed one rite to prove their manhood.
"Folks, we have received a message from the Human Reform League Resident-General in the Philippines," Setsuna told his fellow Meisters who were in a stupor in the deck of the Ptolemaios.
Rudely, Lockon woke up. "Why the heck it is the Philippines?!? Why not Moralia or some God-forsaken banana republic?"
"It is not about we are banned from entering this country," Setsuna said verbatim.
"Then why?" Al asked. "I was born there!"
"It is because it declared circumcision compulsory there," Setsuna said without emotion.
"CIRCUMCISION?!?!?!" All the males in the room shouted.
"What's the frigging deal with circumcision?"
"I'm circumcised when I was a boy," Setsuna explained. "It's tradition in the Middle East. But if you want to go to the Philippines, you must be circumcised. The Head of State in the Philippines, Gloriaster Amoyo, had sent Bug drones imported from Cosmo Babylonia to circumcise any uncircumcised male League-wide."
"HRL-wide?" Tieria Erde asked, skeptical.
"Yes."
"Why in the world?" asked Allelujah to the Exia pilot.
"Just for the lulz, said Amoyo."
"Tieria-kun, look at this!" cried Feldt, opening a large TV screen.
It contains graphic images of young boys aged 12 being chased by Bug drones, and being circumcised by force. The Bugs released some robots with some knives and tweezers.
"What is wrong is that this isn't Philippines. This is in China," Sumeragi, that hot chick who is the Meisters' mama-san, explained. "I wonder what's Gloriaster's beef with uncircumcised males, and why she had to harm the Chinese."
"Holy crap, this is serious," Lockon said, pointing on the big screen.
"That's why either we circumcise, or we are circumcised," Setsuna said.
Some random hallway at a random hospital in Japan...
"AAAAAHHHH!!!!!" Saji's friend Banagher Links screamed in pain as he tried to ease his pain from his circumcision.
"My daddy wanted me to circumcise me, but I don't want it, dude!" Saji agreed. "What would Big Sis say to me? I want to wear a skirt...for two WEEKS?"
"Yep, the Philippine government had now requested the HRL council to make circumcision compulsory in the League," Banagher explained. "It's not a big deal for me anyway. My mother is a Pakistani Muslim and wanted me to be circumcised."
"Aha, it isn't a big deal in us Japanese," Saji said, "Unless you want to appear in a porn video."
"Do you want to?" asked Banagher. What he got is a slam in the wall.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE A PORN STAR, HAH?" Saji screamed, pupils got small to a point of a pencil, veins swelling. "IT IS VITAL FOR ME TO BECOME A VIRGIN!"
"Then why do you had that blonde Latina girl?" Banagher retorted, with many of his teeth broken, referring to Louise, Saji's girlfriend.
"WHAT..." Saji ran out of words. Of course, he wanted to break Louise's virginity forever...but...
"I'm a 'supot!'" Saji declared.
"Su pot what?" Banagher asked, obviously confused.
"In the Philippines, most men are circumcised. Anyone who is not circumcised is called 'supot.' The problem is..."
"IT HURTS, DUDE!" Saji continued, then embraced Barnarge like a long-lost friend. His eyes became a waterfall of tears. "Man, I know the pain of people having to endure this!"
Meanwhile a doctor burst in. She's female, with dark brown hair, and has a voice suspiciously similar to Mika Kanai.
"Saji, it's your turn...SAJI!"
There is a hole in the window.
"How he dare " Banagher cut her off.
"Dr. Adil, Saji jumped off the window!"
Tiffa reached for his cellphone. She instructed the police, forcefully and with threat. "Police, there is a guy wearing a white shirt, with a sleeveless turtleneck on the top of it. He has brown hair with a mullet. His name is Saji Crossroad. Find HIM! Or else, I'll the ones to circumcise you! "
However, no body of Saji was found. Saji clearly is a lucky boy...for now.
Meanwhile at Ptolemaios...
"NO! I DON'T WANNA GO! NO!" Screamed Al as he is dragged by Setsuna to the shuttle for Earth. "My thing, it's precious for me!"
"No, you WILL go! Why the hell you didn't been circumcised in your baby days," Setsuna asked, his face pressed to his palm. All the other males in the Ptolemaios except Setsuna were crammed in by the Kurd.
"Cause the doctors didn't!" Al replied. Setsuna collared him and smacked an electric tape so Al could shut up.
"What, what about the ship?" Lichtendahl said.
"Don't worry, I'm the lucky circumcised man, and Sumeragi-chan can operate the ship with half crews," Setsuna said with confidence as he slammed the shuttle shut.
Inside, Lockon, Allelujah, Tieria, Lichtendahl, and Lasse were arguing at why they are being deported while Setsuna did not join them.
"Hell, that Kurdish guy is circumcised and he won't join us? That's cheating!" Al argued.
"Yeah, I won't join a circumcision session with one of the boys missing," Tieria quipped.
"Jeez, when we could be sure that Setsuna— " Lockon's speech was cut off by a jolt.
They were descending to Earth.
"SETSUNA!!!!! WE WILL MAKE A EUNUCH OUT OF YOU WHEN WE COME BACK!!!!" The sorrow of all the passengers in that shuttle echoed across the galaxy.
In the skies above Azadistan that night, Marina Ismail is currently reading the book about Iran's dictator Mahmoud Amhadinejad when she saw that shooting star.
"I thought there are no comets today," Marina quipped to her trusted mate, ehem, close aide, Shirin.
"Forget it, it's just a fail of a shuttle," Shirin replied dismissively.
"Aha."
Meanwhile, near the US-Mexican border...
"It's the plague of the cochinos again, like in 2009, Se or Corner!" a random Mexican people trafficker said to his country's ambassador to the UN.
"Ah, Sr. Martinez? No! It's a shooting star!" Alejandro dismissed it, while he treks the Sonoran Desert. He lost his passport and money after his shuttle crashed with him and Ribbons the only survivors, and had to enlist help of a coyote. Adding to his headaches that his Ribbons abandoned him for an Aeromexico flight.
"I'm sorry Se or Corner. It's just the memories," the trafficker said. "Many of my ancestors died in that plague of pigs."
"I see." However, Alejandro noticed something in the shooting star. "Chingao, what the hell is a comet moving in a straight right angle? Only UFOs do that!"
"IT'S THE PLAGUE! IT'S THE PLAGUE!" The trafficker ran away.
"Why the fuck you left me?!" Alejandro was angry. He had to sleep on that damned desert again!
Meanwhile, back at the shuttle...
"Give me that controls!" Tieria is trying to elbow Licthendahl from the controls.
"Hey, we need to survive, not to argue about the pilot!" Lichty replied angrily. He was again hit with a suitcase by Lasse.
"I'm the competent one!" Lasse declared, before he was hit in the head by an obsolete 486 kbps Processor Unit by Lockon.
"I'm the leader of the pack, so I will pilot! And I am voiced by Shinichiro Miki—" before he completes his sentence, Hal took over.
"I AM PILOTING THIS SHUTTLE!" He brushed aside Lockon and took the controls. "I AM KAMILLE!!!!" As he maxed up the shuttle and rammed some random shuttles in the process using Kamille Bidan's crazy Kamikaze maneuver.
Hallelujah's crazy antics caused the plane's interior to be covered in nausea thanks to his insane maneuevers...when he finally crashed in western China, in Xinjiang Autonomous Region to be exact...
Hal rammed his head to the controls. Thankfully it wasn't fatal.
A boy, who didn't looked like a local Uyghur or even Chinese, suddenly opened the hatch.
"People, help me! Police are chasing me!" Saji pleaded to the Meisters.
"Who the hell are you?" Tieria asked the boy.
"I'm being chased by people who want to circumcise me."
"WHAT THE?" alarms suddenly registered to the Meisters' brains.
"Yes. The Bugs. They are coming!" Saji said in fright. He pointed to the giant discs with those chainsaws in their edges. A loudspeaker was attached in one of the Bugs.
"Saji Crossroad, you will turn over yourself or you will be a eunuch!" the voice of Dr. Adill threatened.
"Doctor, I have the right to choose if I am a circumcised man or not," Saji protested, pointing a middle finger to the lead Bug.
"Otherwise, I'll call your sister Kinue at JNN, I am her High School friend, get it?" Tiffa warned.
"FUCK IT!" Saji suddenly hijacked the shuttle.
"Hey, what do you want to do with this shuttle?" Lockon protested. Saji cut him off and revved up the engines anyway.
"We'll just claim asylum to any Third World Country," Saji said.
"Amestris is closed, Sanc Kingdom don't accept people who don't want to be circumcised, same with Orb, but hey, the City-State of Glie is open of asylum seekers," Lichty browsed in his PDA.
"What is Glie, anyway?" Saji asked.
"Glie is a small city-state in France, like Monaco, no, Moralia," remembering the new name after Monaco was nuked by someone who lost a bet in Monte Carlo. "And not a fully integrated member of the AEU like Moralia and Britain; it keeps its own military, which is according to the AEU council in Brussels, bat-shit insane and composed of twenty-odd Hellions. But they are until now closed to visitors. The major industry is farming, but the interesting thing is that they are inhabited by humans and half-angels called Haibane."
"What's a Haibane?" Saji asked again.
"A haibane is a human-like being with a set of damned angel wings." Lockon explained. "I used my casanova skills to track down my sis, and I did. She has blank memories though, but it will be better for her. However, my best time with there is with the town librarian there. I miss these days. But I had to do it with sign language most of the time; it's . She speaks surprisingly good English, though, and with an Irish accent to top it off!"
"I don't want to go to Glie," Saji said.
"No, you will go there. I will recommend a girl there. She's about 17, has light brown hair, and is Japanese," Lockon offered.
"Or what?" Al asked, now awake.
"I'll just leave the dating with some Chinese lad, ehem, gal, to you," Lockon commented.
"That wouldn't hurt," Al commented.
"And you, Tieria Gandanghari, you get the jet-black-haired leader of the pack," Lockon said to Tieria.
"Don't compare me to Rustom Padilla, you asshat!" Tieria complained.
"who is Rustom Padilla?" Saji asked with curiousity.
"He is a person from our country that came out from the closet in the Philippine Big Brother's house because Big Brother wants to grill him," Allelujah explained.
"That hurts," Saji commented.
Meanwhile Lockon reached for his cellphone.
"Hello, Washi?"
"Yes, hey, you are Lockon Stratos, right?" the man from the other side of the line asked.
"Yes, why?"
"The circumcisers are coming!" Washi exclaimed in horror.
"Are you circumcised?"
"Yep. But, yeah, they left. All of our males are circumcised."
"But you have declared it an asylum for the uncircumcised, right?" Lockon protested.
"Yes, Lockon. But man, here's an advice for you. Circumcision isn't a big deal for men. Unlike in women. They had to suffer something terrible in many points of their lives. For us, this is just a one-shot."
"Yeah, maybe I'll change my mind. But did you heard about Philippine leader Amoyo's plans?" Lockon said.
"Yeah, it is disturbing though. Maybe it will teach us the virtue of being a man," Washi explained.
"Yes. But I have friends who don't want to be circumcised."
"I'll accept them, but for only for a week. Then if they didn't go, we'll make them go. Deportation," Washi warned.
"That would be great! Thanks, Washi!"
"Thanks!" the line went off.
"How did you become friends with that Haibane?" Tieria asked.
"I bribed him five hundred thousand euros, and he offered me that woman I'm talking about. Normally outsiders should not be allowed to enter Glie, like in North Korea. But thanks to me, they had a limited but brisk tourist industry," Lockon said.
"Aah." Tieria agreed."What's the name of that chick of yours, Lockon?"
"She's Nemu, just Nemu." Lockon looked up to the controls, and checked the map. "So we are in Italy now?"
"No. We've just entered the French border," Al said, then looked at the map again. "But this is Moralia, you stupid idiot," he said to Saji.
"What it means?" Saji said rather absent-mindedly.
"This is Ali Al-Sarches of the PMC Trust Security, the number one leader in private military business," a voice interrupted them, and the gang saw three mobile suits. "Give the hell out of your shuttle; you don't have a visa!" The intercom then showed Ali Al-Sarches that looked like Xerxes in 300.
"You've overdone the makeup," Tieria quipped.
"Hey, you ambiguous of a moron, this is policy. Get the hell out of Moralian territory or you are finished!" Ali then ordered his Enacts to chase the shuttle out. With giant scissors, of course.
"IT'S THE DREADED CIRCUMCISERS!" Saji and the others panicked. They tried to max up the speed of the shuttle and move north, but...
"They've cut our wings!" Lichtendahl said with horror as he saw an Enact cutting one of the wings of the shuttle. As a result, the starboard area was nearly touching the ground.
"We still have one wing," Lockon assured his buddies. But...
Another Enact is trying to cut the working wing!
"Give me that Arctic Warfare," Lockon ordered Lasse. Lasse then gave Lockon that sniper rifle, and slammed open the door. A strong breeze then entered the plane's interior panicking the gang like monkeys.
"Fuck it! I don't want anyone making a hamster face on me, OK?" Lockon said to the crowds.
"I have vertigo!" Tieria is wrapped in a blanket, his teeth grinding like the sound of a jackhammer.
"Shut up!" Lockon aimed his Arctic Warfare sniper rifle, and...
KABOOM! The bullet hit the head of the Enact.
"Dude, what happened?" said the pilot of the other Enact.
"Man, I'm losing control!" said the hit pilot.
"I've received an order from main base," Ali said. "return to base. We'll just deal with them later. The client has a better plan."
The two pilots grunted approval and turned back.
"Dude, Mrs. Amoyo is such a demanding client," Ali sighed.
Meanwhile the shuttle crashed twenty kilometers inside the Glie border.
Lockon opened the hatch.
A female angel with long black hair, wearing a denim jacket, M-16 aimed at Lockon's head, and with Malboro stashed to her lips, appeared.
"Who are you?" the woman demanded, with her voice suspiciously looked like the Japanese voice of Tatsuki Arisawa from Bleach.
"I am Lockon Stratos, a friend of Nemu, the town librarian," Lockon said. He pulled out his Republic of Ireland passport and gave it to the angel.
The angel meticulously examined the passport. "You don't have a visa."
"But hey!"
The angel's cellphone rang and she answered it. "Hello, yes, Master Washi?...oh,...yeah...OK, fine." She then closed her phone.
"Welcome to Glie, my friends," said the angel.
"You are the girl who is Lockon's friend, named Nemu?" asked Tieria.
"I'm Reki, Nemu's friend. So you are requesting asylum?"
"Yep, all of us," said Lockon.
"Come in." Reki led the gang, quite dizzy from the crazy ride, to the walls.
"I have a good time with this," Hal inside Al said to himself.
"What's your reason for exile?" Reki asked.
"We're fleeing the circumcisers," Saji said.
"Circumcisers! Come on! My friend Hyouka had to do that, well, everyone in Glie," Reki said, quite disappointed with them. And I want that purple-haired bishounen! she said to herself. "Come on, it ain't a big deal. You will see for yourself," she continued as she opened the gate.
"Actually, I am not supposed to be outside, only my boss is allowed. But then he ordered me to do so for this occasion, as he's a friend of Lockon's. It's the first time for me, anyway," the woman that sounds like she is Tashigi from One Piece then waved her arms to the gates. The people in the square are quite skeptical about visitors.
"Is this guy " a girl pointed her finger to Lasse "the guy playing Pedobear?"
"Quiet," said the man next to her. "No of course."
Every girl is crazed about Lockon. Everyone of them have gone crazy and in fangirl mode. Or rather yaoi fangirl mode.
Until a brown-haired girl suddenly ran straight to Lockon and nearly constricted him in joy.
"Hey...I can't breath, Nemu," Lockon said.
The other girls are quiet and quite horrified. Their fangirl dreams ruined, by the City Librarian at least! But they had no choice. He was Nemu's girlfriend, after all.
Two Asian girls, one in an orange-trimmed white sailor suit, the other a male-looking girl that wore a male Chinese suit, came running towards Reki, carrying scissors with the points aimed at the Meisters.
"Are these guys the people who don't want to be circumcised?" the girl with the sailor suit asked.
"Yes, Rakka," the Tall Darkand Bishoujo said.
"How lame!"
"Hey, we don't want to be circumcised, right? " Saji complained.
"No, because uncircumcised people suck anyway," the Chinese girl said, then charged towards...Tieria...
To be continued...
Notes:
There will be an episode where two disparate anime will be arguing about the wonders of circumcision.
Yes, it will be a crossover between Haibane Renmei and Gundam 00, for the next episode.
And about Junko Noda, she is the voice actress of Reki from Haibane Renmei. She also voiced Tatsuki from Bleach and Tashigi from One Piece.
And about Ali being Xerxes from 300, yep, that's intentional. Sarches sounded like Xerxes.
Rustom Padilla is an actor from the Philippines. He revealed he is gay and is now known as BB Gandanghari.
Shinichiro Miki is the man behind Lockon in the Japanese version of 00.
Tall Darkand Bishoujo is a trope in about girls with long, straight black hair and are tall and quite the center of attention.
Uyghur is an ethnic group in China. They had their own autonomous region which is Xinjiang. Like the Tibetans, they feel they aren't autonomous enough.
Allelujah being from the Philippines is my idea; his exact nationality, though in the Human Reform League, is ambiguous.
Gloriaster Amoyo is a parody of the current Philippine president, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. No intention of slander. It is just a parody.
More next chapter!