Summary: She said, "If we're gonna make this work, you gotta let me inside even though it hurts. Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see."
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Author's Notes: Just a short, angsty one-shot during Nathan and Haley's separation in mid-S5. Lyrics in the summary are from "Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse.
It's Haley's tired voice over the phone, her whispered plea that she can't fix their relationship without him, that finally breaks him.
Nathan, I'm only trying to make you better.
Nathan, you'll never be as good as your old man if you continue to allow your teammates to outplay you. What college will ever want you if you can't make the big shots yourself?
You're nothing but a disappointment to me, Nathan.
Growing up as the preferred son of Dan Scott, there was one unspoken truth, one guiding principle that utterly defined Nathan's life: Dan Scott would have played professional basketball if it hadn't been for his injury, and no matter what his son did, no matter how well he played, Nathan would never be as good as his father. This mantra was drilled into him relentlessly, through the endless morning and weekend practices or the harsh criticisms given after every game, until Nathan believed it wholeheartedly. He drove himself to the limits, nearly killing himself by taking amphetamines during his junior year, in order to try to prove his father wrong.
He failed, yet another point for Dan Scott.
What no one knew, what Nathan kept hidden for years, was that the arrogant jock persona he cultivated was merely a façade. Who would have believed that the privileged son of Dan Scott, star player on the Tree Hill basketball team, the guy girls wanted to be with and other guys wanted to be, was really an insecure boy so brow-beaten by his father he thought he was practically worthless. No one, and Nathan wasn't foolish enough to think that he could have confided in his so-called friends at the time. He knew the score: he used them to maintain the sham that was his life, and they used him in order to bask in his reflected glory. It wouldn't have fit his image if he revealed that everything he did—the basketball, the partying, and the girls—was a fraud, a carefully crafted image he built in order to hide from the world and, more importantly, his father.
It was amazingly easy to maintain the lie. As long as he kept winning, as long as he kept being the Nathan Scott everyone wanted him to be, no one questioned him. No one bothered to look past the surface to see the scared, broken boy inside who only wanted someone, anyone, to care.
No one, that is, until Haley James.
She entered his life, unsurprisingly, because of a lie. Although he did need tutoring in several of his classes, his reason for pursuing her as his tutor had more to do with finding a way to hurt Lucas than it did for any notion of improving his grades. For their first meetings, he made sure to be the Nathan Scott he knew she expected him to be: brash, selfish, and uncaring, but with just enough charm to soften the hard edges. It was an easy persona to slip into, almost second nature, and one no one had ever questioned before. He knew that making Haley fall for him would be easy; after all, he had girls throwing themselves at him every day. A naïve, shy tutor didn't stand a chance against Nathan Scott.
And while he initially may have played the role she expected him to, Haley James was like nothing he ever expected.
She called him on his shit. She didn't put up with his excuses or with his attempts to charm her. She wasn't impressed by his basketball stats or the scores of girls who endlessly flirted with him in the school halls. She didn't care that he was Mr. Popularity or that he basically had the world at his feet. She didn't fawn over him, or bat her eyes and giggle when he cracked an unfunny joke. She pushed him to be more than he had been, to be someone better, unwilling to accept that he was merely a dumb jock, that he couldn't have better grades.
She expected more from him, and as she continued to tutor him there was a considerable change in their relationship. No longer keeping him at arm's length, Haley began treating him like she actually thought of him as more than just Nathan Scott, star of Tree Hill's basketball team. Their relationship wasn't based on what he could do for her, or what their friendship would mean for her social standing. He was surprised to find that Haley didn't care about things like that. He had never had someone like that in his life, and for a short time, he was unwilling to believe she had no ulterior motives. He wasn't accustomed to someone genuinely caring for him and not his accomplishments. Haley looked beyond the superficial trappings and saw the real Nathan, something that terrified him.
It was such a scary, unfamiliar experience, to have someone see beyond the façade, that Nathan couldn't help but screw it up. He lashed out at Haley; he pushed her away when he felt the walls he so carefully maintained over the years start to crumble. Nathan Scott was never afraid; he had it drilled into him by his father that showing fear meant one was weak and Scott men were never weak, but Nathan was terrified. Haley James was making him feel things he never thought possible. She was pushing through his defenses with her warm smile and concerned glances and constant wearing the damn Cracker Jack bracelet he impetuously gave her during their first tutoring session.
He sometimes wondered if she thought he was full of shit that day when he gave her the bracelet.
What had started as a way to destroy Lucas turned into something completely unexpected. For the first time in his life, he had someone who cared about him, just him, and he didn't know how to handle it. Haley was unlike any girl he had ever met. She didn't fall for his bullshit charm. She didn't smile and giggle at his lame attempts at flirting, merely rolling her eyes when he tried to use the Scott charm. She opened up to him, she shared herself with him, and in return, he found himself confiding in her things he never dreamed of telling anyone. His anger towards his father, the disgust he felt for the life he was leading, his feelings, good and bad, towards Lucas; it all came spilling from his lips to the one person he knew would listen.
Haley James confused him, thrilled him, and terrified him in equal measures. Without even knowing, she burrowed her way into his life, into his heart, and completely changed him. Haley James, with her soulful brown eyes that saw the defeated little boy inside, petal soft skin that soothed the broken parts with every touch, and open heart that healed the long-hidden scars on his own, made him want to be a better man, someone worthy of her.
And for a while, he was.
But he could sense the damaged Nathan Scott, the selfish boy who cared for no one but himself, still lurking beneath the surface. Watching and waiting to rise again and destroy the one good thing in his life.
"Nathan, I can't do this anymore. I just. . . can't. I know you don't intend to hurt me, or Jaime, but you do all the same."
"Hales, I—"
"I know. I know you're sorry. I know that, Nathan, but how long can we keep doing this? You screwing up, or hiding something from me, and then apologizing and swearing it won't happen again? And me letting you? We're not in high school any more, Nathan."
For a while, he was a better man for Haley, and for a while, everything was perfect. He felt whole, like he was finally the person he was meant to be. The small, niggling fear that it was all a sham, that he hadn't really changed, kept him awake some nights, but one glance from Haley, or her softly whispered I love you kept it at bay. He had become the man that Haley inspired him to be, and managed to lock away the scared, selfish boy he once was.
And then real life came calling, Dan and basketball and rock stars and music tours, and everything that had been so perfect suddenly wasn't. With an intensity that scared him, the old Nathan Scott came roaring back to life and came close, so goddamn close, to destroying everything in his path. He lashed out at Haley, at everyone, and numbed his pain and misery with alcohol and self-loathing. Reverting to the old, familiar ways, he pushed away everyone who cared about him in an attempt to make them hurt the way he was hurting.
He hated himself, the loathing he felt burning like acid, stripping away everything good and leaving only pain. The old hurts that had healed because of his relationship with Haley shattered, piercing him with a million tiny cuts and leaving him bleeding. Instead of facing his issues with Haley, he retreated into himself, ignoring phone calls and messages, cursing her all the while for destroying their marriage. Falling back into his old behavior, and using it as a way to hurt Haley, he refused to recognize his own role, placing all the blame on her shoulders. Even when he finally worked up the courage to go see her on the tour, when it didn't go his way, he shut down even more.
He couldn't handle the realization that perhaps he hadn't changed after all, that he was still the Nathan Scott, the selfish ass, the arrogant jock who only looked out for himself, who he had been before he met Haley.
But then Haley showed up on his mom's door step, and for the first time in months, Nathan felt a stirring of hope that maybe he wasn't a lost cause. Maybe she could save him once again. Reality set in, however, and although Haley was back, swearing that she wasn't going anywhere, he was unable to hold onto that small sliver of hope that everything could be, would be okay. He lashed out at Haley once again and kept her at a distance, almost relishing in the pain the self-imposed punishment brought him. It was a reminder that he hadn't changed, that no matter how he was hurting Haley now, he would inevitably hurt her even worse at some future point.
It was for the best, he decided. He had Dan Scott's blood running through his veins and no matter how hard he tried, no matter how hard he fought, he couldn't escape one irrevocable fact: someday, one day, he would turn into Dan Scott. He was foolish to think that he had changed, that he had become a better man, someone worthy of Haley; not when at the first sign of trouble, he went back to his old ways so easily. He was hurt by Haley's actions, yes, but in the quiet of his bedroom at night, when he was alone with his thoughts, he could admit that the main source of his pain wasn't her actions, but his own failure to be the man he wanted, needed to be.
With the walls that had so easily crumbled at Haley's feet once again shielding his heart, he was resigned to the fact that his attempts to change, to be that someone more for Haley, had all been a lie. His love for Haley had never been false, it had been the only true, real thing he had ever had, but it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. He was too broken, by Dan, his mom, by the lies he told himself in the silence of the night.
But Haley, with her unfailing grace and compassion and love, refused to give up, refused to allow that brokenness to destroy them. She fought for their relationship, she fought for Nathan, and day by day, her quiet determination to be them again, began to soothe the frayed edges of his soul. Her unwavering belief that they could be them once again, in fact, be even better, mended the broken parts he was too afraid to reveal to himself, much less his wife. But she knew, she always knew, and her love and faith healed him, and he truly thought he had changed.
For a while, at least.
"I know we're not in high school anymore, Hales, and I don't know what else to say but—"
"I can't keep doing this with you, Nathan. Jaime deserves more, we deserve more. It has to change, but we both have to want it."
"I do, Haley, I swear I do, and I'll do whatever it takes."
"I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want you to hurt me anymore, and I don't want to hurt you. I just. . . Nathan, I can't do this alone. I need you in this with me."
Time passed, life went on, and things were good, great even, until yet again, real life came calling. Car crashes and an unexpected pregnancy, bookies and point shaving, it all piled up, and though Nathan fought it, he felt his resolve slipping and all the strides he had made slowly but surely disappeared. Haley was by his side every step of the way, her devotion and faith in him acting as his lighthouse as he battled the increasing storms in his life, and her continued support allowed to believe, if just for a while, that he could beat it. That he wouldn't revert back to bad habits, that he would be the man Haley and his son deserved. He worked hard, harder than he ever had in his life, to be that man.
And he was able to do beat that fear back, although he could still hear Dan's words in his head, telling him he was worthless, he was nothing but a disappointment. Those words echoed in his mind when life piled up and threatened to overwhelm him, but hearing Haley's soft voice, or Jaime's joyous giggles, always brought him back, kept him grounded in what mattered.
Until he was thrown through a plate glass window and everything he had built shattered like the glass that ruined his spine.
In an instant, it all changed. He lost himself in alcohol and anger, two habits that, long before he met Haley, had been his method of self-medication. His self-loathing was a tangible entity, a living force that threatened to destroy everything good in his life, namely Haley and Jaime. He became a shell of himself, an angry, bitter man who hated the world and, most importantly, hated himself. He turned into the man he never wanted to be: Dan Scott. He lost sight of all that remained; instead, only focusing on what he had lost due to his own stupid mistake.
His self-loathing consumed him, turned the competitive fire that once raced through his veins into a destructive force that ate at his soul. He tried to drink away the pain, and the voice inside his head that told him it all had been a mistake, that in the end, he was still that same selfish, scared disappointment of a man that was only good for one thing: to hurt those around him.
Nothing helped, not the sight of his son's tears or the sound of his wife sobbing herself to sleep each night. His life became a blur of drunken days and even drunker nights.
Until Haley issued an ultimatum that finally shook him out of the self-recrimination stupor that had become his life over the last several months. He fought his way back from the hell he had created for himself, and started fighting for his wife and son. In order to earn their forgiveness and trust, he battled his inner demons, struggling to find the path that he had once walked. Haley's tentative trust helped ease the way and made him fight even harder. When it became too much, when Dan's words threatened to destroy what ground he had made, he focused on Haley and Jaime. In them, he found the peace he had searched for his entire life. Their trust and faith in him was staggering, even when, especially when he didn't deserve it.
It was a hard road, a more difficult one than in times in the past, and just when things had stabilized and Nathan felt the ground was steady beneath him once again, Carrie happened and his life turned into another nightmare, even worse than anything ever before. His attempts to protect his family, to keep the worse parts of himself hidden deep inside, had finally broken something inside of Haley, and she was done.
Six years of marriage, countless disappointments and heartaches, and here he sits, alone and broken, a man with nothing. Nothing Dan ever said or did to him, nor losing basketball, has ever made him feel like this: an empty shell.
Then Haley calls, and as much as it hurts him to hear the pain in her voice, he allows himself to feel a small stirring of hope that she hasn't given up on him. Not yet, not even when he knows she should, and as he tells her everything he has been feeling, all his fears and worries that he isn't enough for her or their son, he can feel her love begin to mend his broken parts.
He only hopes that this time, he's finally strong enough to finish what she has started.
fin