A/N: Fortunately, I do not own Bleach nor Homestuck. Kubo Tite and Andrew Hussie do, respectively.
?: Descend
A man walks down a flight of stairs.
He wears a green-and-black striped bucket hat that shadows his face.
On his body is a dark green shirt, dark green pants, and a black overcoat decorated with white diamond designs near the bottom.
Also conspicuous are his strange wooden sandals that make clack noises when he walks.
What shall this man's name be?
Enter name.
Silly, he has already been named! Now, we certainly can't have him named something as derogatory as GOOKTARD GEEKHEAD, right? Fortunately, he doesn't hold grudges for such trivial offenses.
Continue descending.
Your name is URAHARA KISUKE, and you run a PART-TIME CANDY SHOP. Well, that's what you TELL EVERYONE, at least. The URAHARA SHOTEN is simply an INCONSPICUOUS CONVENIENCE STORE that just so happens to SELL SHINIGAMI GOODS. Nothing special, right?
Back about a CENTURY AGO, you used to work under the GOTEI 13, one of the BRANCHS OF MILITARY for SOUL SOCIETY, a SECRET SOCIETY operating from THE AFTERLIFE. There, you used to run the DETENTION UNIT in the STEALTH FORCE, the COVERT OPS of SOUL SOCIETY. AFTER THAT, you got PROMOTED to the position of CAPTAIN OF THE 12th DIVISION and founded the SHINIGAMI RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT INSTITUTE. All was FINE AND DANDY FOR A WHILE, but then you and some of your COMRADES were EXILED because you were FRAMED for performing illegal HOLLOWFICATION EXPERIMENTS.
You settled in KARAKURA TOWN in the real world, which just happens to be a SPIRITUAL NEXUS, choosing to SET UP SHOP there. Again, all was FINE AND DANDY FOR A WHILE, but then no-good SOUSUKE AIZEN MADE HIS MOVE, propelling SOUL SOCIETY into WAR. After many complicated ANIME SHENANIGANS, AIZEN was DEFEATED AND SEALED AWAY.
What will you do?
Urahara: Stop descending and examine room.
Oh? We've reached the end of the line already? Oh well.
In this room is nothing but a POLISHED BLACK TILE FLOOR and a TRANSPORTALIZER that LEADS TO KAMI-SAMA KNOWS WHERE that you have INSTALLED for IRONIC PURPOSES.
After that, you just LEFT IT ALONE for forever, UNTIL NOW.
It's not like stepping on it will LEAVE YOU STRANDED in a SEPARATE REALM for KAMI-SAMA KNOWS HOW LONG.
Urahara: Step on transportalizer.
You do so, and you are taken to a LAB.
Urahara: Explore.
Strange. You never remember the transportalizer leading to a place like this.
You explore.
Urahara: Keep exploring.
You do so, and come across a station.
Urahara: Examine station
It is shaped like a house, and has four monitors on it. The station also has a control panels, consisting of four small, green, and square-shaped buttons arranged in a square shape. The top two appear to be busted up and out of order. A joystick, a large blue button with a strange design on it, and a medium-sized dark green button with a symbol that suspiciously resembles a strand of DNA are sitting to the left of the four buttons.
Press a button on the control panel.
The screen shows what appears to be an unseasonably warm city in the central United States on December 4th, 1995.
Urahara: Zoom in.
You push a button, and the lower-left monitor activates to show an outrageously awesome dude with a baseball cap and an outrageously awesome pair anime shades stand outside of the crater that was once his favorite record shop, with a smaller pair of outrageously awesome anime shades in hand.
You don't know why, but you feel a strange attachment to this man, though you certainly have never met him before.
Strange. Very strange.
Urahara: Press blue button.
You create a PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT of the outrageously awesome dude.
The ghost sludge is then sucked into a glass tube.
Urahara: = SWITCH 4
The monitor is switched to the view of a remote island in the Pacific.
Urahara: Zoom in.
A renowned billionaire approaches on his yacht. He is no longer in his prime, but he appears to have the strength to hold up a large gun with relative ease. Standing out are his square-rimmed glasses, his handlebar moustache, and his buck teeth. There also appears to be a small bespectacled girl holding a plush rabbit sitting beside him.
Curious. Very curious.
Urahara: Press blue button.
Another PARADOX GHOST IMPRINT is created and is sucked into another glass tube.
Urahara: Press that one other button.
The slime in the two tubes is emptied into a chamber underneath.
Another sequence is activated, and a strange code consisting of the capital English letters GCAT is displayed on a monitor above the chamber, almost as if something was being decoded. Hmm… G, C, A, T. Those letters seem familiar to you. You could have sworn you've seen something to that effect somewhere else.
…
…
…
Wait! Now you remember. Those are the first letters of the four nucleotides in DNA (guanine, cytosine, adenine, and thymine). Silly! You're a GENIUS, how could you forget? You are slightly depressed to have somewhat tainted the honorable name of GENIUSHOOD. You've been more out of contact with the mortal branch of science for a while now, as you have been occupied playing THE CHESSMASTER with SOUSUKE AIZEN. What a shame you only had time to read on human genetics a few times. It looks fascinating.
Man, your OBFUSCATING STUPIDITY FAÇADE is actually starting to rub off on you. You shudder slightly at the hypothetical DEGENERATION of you in the worst-case scenario in which it would your façade with completely overshadow you actual personality.
ANYWAY, since So the green slime contains DNA from those two gentlemen you examined?
Interesting. You might look up more on these things later.
What is this?
Urahara: Examine large panel in front of slime chamber.
Unbeknownst to you, a baby appeared during your internal monologue. He (you can automatically tell the baby is a he) has unruly blonde hair and gray-green eyes that hold a glint of mischief in them. Hahaha, if somebody didn't know any better, they'd think that the baby is a smaller version of you.
Wait…
Urahara: Get an epiphany.
That hair. Those eyes.
You are the baby.
The baby is you.
Hours in the future…
A laboratory floats in the Veil, abandoned. Both of its temporary inhabitants have taken their leave. A certain baby to a nearby satellite that is undeniably headed towards Skaia, and a certain whimsical shopkeeper to the realm whence he came.
and even more hours…
A meteor lands in an ocean, solid land unavailable. An infant drowns to its inescapable peril, breathable air long gone. A live is lost and a soul is passed on, no regrets tying it to the world.
and then years…
A man walks down a flight of stairs.
He wears a green-and-black striped bucket hat that shadows his face.
On his body is a dark green shirt, dark green pants, and a black overcoat decorated with white diamond designs near the bottom.
Also conspicuous are his strange wooden sandals that make clack noises when he walks.
What shall this man's name be?
A/N: So by the way, this should be happening around Chapter 1 of yarra's "Sin of a Sufferer". If you like BleachxHomestuck, check it out. It's way better than anything I can proverbially cough up.
EDIT: Anyway, this story was spawned from the idea of Urahara being the paradox child of Bro/Dirk and Grandpa/Jake, if that wasn't obvious enough. It all started when one day when I was imagining the Urahara vs. Aizen fight with Homestuck characters (shoot me), and I imagined Bro as Urahara. Then, I was like, "Hey, Bro is sort of like Urahara." Then, later, I was like, "Now that I think about it, Jake is also like Urahara!"
Then, I thought about yarra's "Sin of a Sufferer" (which I'm proud to say that I beta), and I talked over the idea of Urahara being Bro/Dirk and Grandpa/Jake's paradox child with yarra for a little while, and thus, this story was born.
EDIT: Notice how Urahara tends to act like an idiot (albeit a lovable one) *coughcoughJakeEnglishcoughco ugh*, but kicks total arse when needed *coughcoughDirkStridercoughco ugh*. That makes him the Science Hero (Jake/Grandpa + Dirk/Bro? [don't know if Bro is into robotics and all that other stuff like Dirk is; after all, it Is implied that scratched/unscratched players are slightly different than their other incarnations]), the Action Hero (Jake/Grandpa + Dirk/Bro), and, last but not least, the Guile Hero (Dirk/Bro exclusive; he's a ninja as both Dirk and Bro).