Does my butt look big in these pants?
By Beefcake the Mightly
LilyJames [One-shot fluff
Marauders Era, 7th year, LilyJames Head; Lily gets new pants, and asks James, her roomie, whether "her arse looks big in these pants." Does James say the right thing?
DISCLAIMER. GOD. OKAY, FINE, I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER. I DON'T. GOD, STOP PRESSURING ME!!!!! OKAY?! I DON'T. Now GO AWAY. exasperated sigh
"Oh. My. God. You have GOT to be kidding me!" James suddenly snapped to attention as a horrid screech echoed across the Head Dormitory.
"Lily? Are you okay?" James cautiously put down his Quiditch Gear catalog (AKA a Playboy off-brand) and tip-toed across the Common Room to his love's room, his hands over his ears in case of straying loud noises.
"No, I am not okay!" Lily toned down her voice a bit as James came into the room, but it still held a rather high-pitched squeaking sound which indicated her immense distress.
James pushed the door open warily and prepared himself for UFO's, but was surprised to find the Object Of His Affection standing in front of a large mirror, almost in tears, clutching her arse.
Now, if James was a typical teenage wizard, he would be rather confused by this picture. And James, as he was not your typical teenage wizard, was even more confused by this picture. Why on Earth would Lily, his Lily Flower, his dear, fiery, independent, I-don't-give-a-shite-about-what-you-think-of-me temptress be clutching her arse in such a fashion? It simply did not make sense.
"Um, Lily, what's wrong?" James decided that this was maybe not the best time to use pet names on his darling. Thankfully James was a quick thinker like this, for if he had indeed used such a name on the girl, with her state as unhinged as it was, getting hexed into oblivion would have been candy sprinkles and unicorns compared to her reaction.
"What is wrong? What is wrong? Well, what's wrong is the fact that I just bought these great pants, and they look absolutely HORRID. Dreadful. Despicable. Revolting. Vile. Ghastly. Any of those terms will do. But either way, I needed these pants for something very important today, and I don't have anything else to wear instead, and they don't fit!" Clearly Lily was quite irate by this fact, as she was still clutching her bottom as if her life depended on it, and even a few tears had leaked out, despite her best efforts.
"I don't understand why you can't just use a simple sewing spell. They aren't that difficult." James wasn't so grown out of his old ways that he could resist ribbing her a bit. "Unless even those are too hard for you, Lily Flower?" He smirked and leaned against the doorway.
Lily's wand suddenly flicked out, and James was shocked to find himself hanging from the rafters, with only a pair of pantyhose preventing his untimely meeting with the hard, wooden, deathly floorboards. "Do you really think that this is a good time to be messing with me, James? Really? Because, if you do, I could gladly throw you out the window." She looked up at his face, which was stuck somewhere between the expressions of discontent and admiration. "No, really now, I'm quite serious. It's not a problem at all. All it takes is just a flick of the wand and…." Lily moved her wand a bit and raised an eyebrow at her roomie.
"NO!" James floundered about for a bit, searching for his wand, as Lily rolled her eyes and turned back to the mirror with a groan.
"Bloody sodding hell. I'll never be able to get away with this!" She tilted her head a bit to the right and turned sideways, hoping for a better angle. No such luck.
"I really don't understand what the problem is. They're just a pair of pants." James finally located his wand and severed the hose, dropping to the floor with a thud. Rubbing his backside, he walked over to Lily was standing and crossed his arms in an examining manner.
"They are not just a pair of pants! If they do not fit, then I'm as good as dead! Do you even know what's wrong with them?" Lily scowled at him through the mirror's reflection. James raised his eyebrows dubiously.
"It doesn't seem to me as if anything actually is wrong with."
Lily turned abruptly and hit him on the shoulder. "Nothing wrong? You have got to be kidding me! How is it not completely obvious?!" James rubbed his shoulder and grimaced.
"But there isn't actually anything wrong. They are perfectly fine pants. Only you could find something wrong with faultless pants." James then winced, wondering if this was really the best thing to be saying….
"Okay, fine, you're right." Lily sighed.
"Wait—what?" James looked at her bewilderedly. He never won any of their arguments. Ever. It was physically impossible.
"You're right. There's nothing wrong with the pants." Lily turned back to the mirror and stared into it, her brow creased slightly.
James watched her intently for a minute or so before slowly backing away and out of the room. He didn't even dare say anything. No, no victory dance for him. Well, not until he got to his room, anyway…
"Do I have a big butt, James?"
Aw, way to jinx it!
"Um, what?" Bugger, he had almost escaped. Now…now he would have to go through that whole complicated process with more arguments and more annoying insecurities and all kinds of other girl things that James wouldn't normally have to deal with, because he didn't normally hang out with crazy, ambitious, bad-tempered teenage girls, because normally he wasn't completely barmy. No, wait, yeah he was. Ever since that fateful meeting, back in first year…
"James? James?" Nope, sorry, no reminiscing for you, James. No, Lily is demanding your full attention, and your sorry, pitiful, excuse for manly pride will not let you ignore her. Neither will the potentially aching body you will end up with if you disregard her let you. Ah, well, goodbye cruel world, James thought.
"Do I have a large arse? James? Do I?" Lily hit him on the shoulder again. Well, other shoulder, gods be thanked.
"Um, no?"
"Liar! If the pants don't make my butt look big, then I must just have a big butt, right?" Lily looked at him fixedly, as if waiting for him to tell her whether she has herpes or something of that sort.
"Sure."
"What? Are you saying I have a big arse?" Her jaw dropped—actually dropped—in shock.
"Um, no?" James was completely confused. Come on now, I've agreed with you. When do we start snogging? He couldn't help but think.
Lily glared at him and placed her hands on her hips. Uh oh. Now I'm in for it… James thought, visibly shrinking away from her.
"What are you saying, James? Make up your mind. Stop being a coward! Why in Merlin Dumbledore decided to make you Head Boy I'll never know….You can't even answer a simple question with a straight answer! How can I rely on you to make good decisions that affect the whole school if you can't even answer me directly? Well, James?" With each pointed sentence Lily stepped forward until finally James hit the wall. She had him cornered.
"What do you want me to say, Lily? That it doesn't or it does? Because you don't seem to be satisfied with anything I can tell you! Why don't you go ask someone else? Someone who apparently would make a better Head Boy than I do. Because that seems to be the problem here! You keep twisting my up in your little knots, and expecting me to be able to unravel them! Guess what, Lily? I do think you have a large arse! In fact, I think you have a very big arse, and frankly, I like it! So if you have such a problem with it, then go find someone who does as well, and you both can complain about it to each other while I am up here trying to be as perfect as Lily Evans!" James had in turn pushed Lily back, and by the end of his speech had her pressed against the bedpost.
Lily looked back at James with shocked eyes, wondering, where the hell did that come from? "I… I… you… we….I…I'm sorry, James. I didn't realize it was such a problem. I'll leave you alone from now on, then." Then Lily slipped out around him and walked towards the door. "Thanks for the compliment, though. And anyway, your opinion's all that counts, right?" She smiled brightly at him then flounced out the door.
James watched her go, absolutely flabbergasted. How did she managed to be completely wrong, yet win the argument anyway? "Wait, what? …Lily? …Lily, what do you mean? Lily?!"
Well, that's my tale! It just came to me randomly when I was in the bathroom contemplating whether my new pants (from GoodWill-woot!) made my ass look big. I don't know. I suppose they're okay….
Yeah, so, the ending kind of left me….i don't know, unsatisfied. I wasn't planning on doing another chappie, but I can make it a two-shot if you so wish it.
I love you all, my dearies! And I will love you even more if you review! And if you don't, then I might be forced to set rabid ferrets on your heels! smiles brightly
Bub'les