If You Were Gay

Marth sighed, lying back in his sun lounger by the swimming pool, a book in his hand.

"Ah." He said, closing his eyes. "Just a couple of hours of alone-time. Nobody to bother me. It doesn't get any better than this."

"Hi Marth!" Roy exclaimed, coming up to meet his blue haired friend.

"Oh, hi Roy." Marth replied, his smile tarnished a little bit. "What do you want?"

"Well, I just came by to tell you what happened to me on the subway this morning!" Marth nodded, urging Roy to continue.

"Well, this guy was smiling at me!" Oh, the horror! Marth thought sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Roy ignored this and continued.

"He was being real friendly." Roy said, shrugging his shoulders and grinning lopsidedly. "I think he may have thought I was gay!"

"Okay, Roy.. Why should I care?" Marth asked, beginning to grow a little uneasy. "So.. Um… What did you have for lunch today?"

"No need to be so defensive, Marth." Roy tutted.

"What!" Marth screamed. "I am not being defrensive!
I just don't care about some gay guy I met.
Now go away. I'm trying to read.

"It didn't mean anything, Marth!" Roy protested. "I just thought..

Maybe..

We should talk about it?"

"NO!" Marth bellowed.
I am not going to stand here and talk about this with you!
This conversation is over!"

"But Marth…!"

"OVER!"

"Well… Okay." Roy muttered, a little surprised by the outburst. "But just so you know…"

He took a deep breath, before starting to sing.

"If you were gay,

Then that'd be okay,

'Cos I mean, hey,

I like you anyway!

Because you seeeee,

If it were me,

I'd feel free to say,

'Guess what! I'm gay!'

But I'm not gay."

He added the last bit particularly quickly.

"Roy, please!" Marth shouted.

"I am trying to read this boo—What!"

Roy was now atop a nearby sun lounger, bellowing out the music at an impressive volume.
"If you were queer!"

"Ugh, Roy!" Marth snapped, but his protests were to quiet to be heard above the noise.

"Then I'd still be here!"

"ROY! I'm trying to read my book!"

"Because you're dear to me!"

"Argh!"

"And I know that you.." Roy paused to catch his breath a little.

"What? What about me?"

"Would accept me too!"

"I would?" Marth said dully.

"If I told you today;
'Hey! Guess what!
I'm gay!'

But I'm not gay

I'm happy, just bein' with you!"

Marth sighed.

"So what should it matter to me,

What you do in bed with guys?"

"Roy!" Marth shouted. "That's wrong!"

"No it's not!
If you were gay,

I'd shout… Hurray!"

"I am not listening!" Marth shouted, covering his ears.

"And here I'd stay!"

"Falalalala!" Marth sang, hands still over his ears.

"But I wouldn't get in your way…"

"Aaagh!" Marth had had enough of this. He stood up, threw his book down and ran away, as fast as he could.

"You can count on me," Roy continued to sing, his voice growing louder by the second, and a full musical cresendo following him.

"To always be,

Beside you every day,

To tell you every day,

It's okay,

You were just born this way,

It's in your DNA….

You're gay!"

"But I am not gay!" Marth screeched, tears rolling down his face.

"But if you WERE gay…"

"Agh!"