Disclaimer: I do not own 'The Sound of Music', nor any other of Rogers and Hammerstein's brilliant classic productions, they are their own, and shall never be mine, nor for that matter were they ever. If indeed I did own them, I would not be on fanfiction here having to devise this brilliant list, as I would have simply killed off the bitch in the first place.
Let's face it, we all hated (with a burning passion might I add) the Baroness Schräder and her uptight and bitchy ways, and would all loved to have seen her burned at the stake on screen. Yet sadly that was not however the case, and she graciously left after the Captain oh-so-brilliantly told her the truth.
In conclusion to my dissatisfaction, I have devised a list of ways in which to kill the damn Baroness; morbid, yes I know, but it had to be done. Anyhow, I hope you will all rejoice with me in her demise…let's face it; she was just one of those characters…
…31 WAYS TO KILL THE BARONESS
1 – Push her off the little old boat…heh heh, she wouldn't be able to swim.
2 – Push her down the stairs…she was wearing stilettos, which should explain it all!
3 – Put a frog in her pocket…she will most certainly die of a heart attack.
4 – Run her over…a hit and run in other words…in Herr Zeller's car, and let him take the blame.
5 – Push her off the balcony.
6 – Poison her damn pink lemonade…hey lot's of poison's are pink, it'll be easy!
7 – Put a poisonous spider in her shoe, and when she begins to feel the pain, make a cynical remark on wearing tight, pointy shoes, and it not being good for your circulation. She will become stubborn about it, and leave the shoes on, and will eventually die.
8 – Get 'Uncle Max' to fall in love with her and marry her. Then, let him blow off all of her money on gambling and other 'get-rich-quick' schemes, until she is left destitute, which she will not be able to handle and die!
9 – Tell the Nazi's she was conspiring against them, and have them send her off to one of their camps (sadistic and cruel, but entirely necessary).
10 – Have Rolf deliver a telegram bomb (sadistic and cruel, but once again, entirely necessary)!
11 – Put a snake in her pocket!
12 – Have Fro Schmidt; the housekeeper, to do her in – hey she's evil! Didn't you see that look she gave Maria at the start – what a bitch eh!
13 – Have the butler do her in – come on, it's always the butler!
14 – Take away her wardrobe (hideous garments)…by replacing her genuine 'Gucci' products with fakes…she'd most certainly commit suicide upon finding out.
15 – Feed her apple strudel until she bursts…all that sugary goodness can't be good for her!
16 – Let the children take her out on an adventurous day and have them push her into the fountain where she will drown!
17 – Let the children take her out on an adventurous day and have them push her off the bridge, where she will drown!
18 – Let the children take her out on an adventurous day and have them play a game with her to the point of exhaustion, where she will die!
19 – Have the children do her in…come on, they can be quite the little rascals when they want, and they're just waiting for the chance!
20 – Lock her in a room; the house is so big that no one will find her in time…how tragic!
21 – Send her to the convent…such a celibate life would surely cause her to commit suicide.
22 – Alcohol poisoning…from the champagne…she drank too much!
23 – Lung cancer…from the cigarettes…well that's what you get for smoking!
24 – Pneumonia…she got locked outside in the rain over night, and well, there was nothing they could do about it…tragic!
25 – Sniper out of window…oh what? I couldn't resist.
26 – Roll her down the Alps…well it's not the children's fault she couldn't see where she was going during their game of 'Blind Man's Bluff'!
27 – Take her down the Festival, and have that third place chick sing her brains out…literally!
28 – Force her to participate in a family sing-a-long (like what didn't take place in the movie after the puppet show), and when she realises that she can't even hum out a tune, she'll most certainly do herself in!
29 – Force her to go tree climbing with the children, then when a car comes by, push her out onto the road and it is bye, bye Baroness!
30 – At the ball…stick your foot out so she trips over in that stupid dress of hers, lands flat on her face and dies!
31 – Have her watch Maria and the Captain making out in the gazebo – her heart will certainly break!
-Yoshi-