Authors Note: I'm living in denial feel free to join me x Dedication to Mel, you sweetie are AWESOME!
Africa – Malawi….
The heat is intense, it's the first thing she notices when she steps off the plane other than the fact that there is no smell of freshly ground coffee, and no constant beeping of cell phones, no symphony of apologies for missed dinners, or promises to be home in time for supper. Its silent, almost eerily silent, her eyes scan the vast expanse before her, gone are the grey towers that plague the street, the rainbow of four wheeled rides are replaced by the dark green hues of the 4x4's as they drive along the red dirt, a dust filling the air. Taking a deep breath she can smell it, the burning, the heat, the danger and her stomach flips as she remembers. Bowing her head and closing her eyes, she exhales and with it she wishes of the thousands of stars she knows she will undoubtedly see tonight that this time it's easier, reaching out for the hand of the smaller woman next to her she squeezes gently, needing this reassurance, needing to feel that kind of comfort because this place, for all its promised miracles, and expectations, this place is hell and she knows better than most there is no changing that.
She was naïve once, she had been a bright, over enthused 26 year old with a passion for life and a need to change the world. She was ambitious, driven and exuded a cockiness that had her down pegged for a place like this, but eventually she softened. Her hard exterior was penetrated by the harsh realities of everyday life, of seas of outstretched hands and swollen stomachs, of tears that threatened never ending and of the sounds of gun fire, as rapid and frequent as car turning onto Main Street in rush hour. It had started well, she had been expecting pretty much everything she saw, she had researched, read every book there was to know about the places she would visit, what to expect, how she was supposed to conduct herself, but what she hadn't prepared herself for was the agonising pain she would feel, arms laden with the weight of a small girl no older than five, her eyes glossing over with the final glimpses of this dreadful world, her life leaking onto the plain white t-shirt that was Callies uniform, staining it in an angry red as she cried for a help that came too late. She wasn't prepared for the feeling that came over her, as she fell to the floor, tears rolling down her caramel face, her eyes wide with a mixture of fear and helplessness, she wasn't here for this, this wasn't supposed to happen. Her job was simple, help provide health care, take a look at a few people suffering from malnutrition, give injections, offer advice on correct prenatal care, she wasn't supposed to see this, to be a part of this… she wasn't supposed to watch her die.
'Calliope, are you okay?' a gentle hand on her shoulder stopped her from remembering any more, but it wasn't enough to change the overwhelming wash of nausea that came over her, causing her to take a deep breath and exhale just as quickly, a nervous jitter taking control of her hands as the started to shake involuntarily at her sides. She nodded slowly, a lie that she would continue to live for as long as they were here, Arizona didn't need to know the dreams that haunted her, she had spent nights crying, lost in Callies strong embrace after the shooting the last thing Callie wanted to do was to ruin the excitement she could see radiating through her lovers smile, or destroy that twinkle in her aqua eyes at the prospect of something miraculous happening, she wouldn't, she didn't have it in her to ruin that, and in that moment watching as the blonde bounce on the spot, her shoulders raising as she grinned largely Callie realised exactly why she had returned to this place, she wasn't here because she selfishly didn't want to be alone, she wasn't here to lend her expertise, she was here purely to protect Arizona, to protect that sparkle that sat in her eyes, to protect that amazingly warm heart, she was here, to protect her future.
'I'm good…' she whispered her voice harsh and throat dry, lifting her hand to her mouth she drank deeply from the water bottle she had clutched the entire plane journey, the wrapper ripped from it in an act of nervousness she tried to hide from the blonde who had sat beside her, sleeping peacefully for what Callie knew would be one of the last times. She allowed the now warm liquid to roll down her throat, eyes closed tight as she said a silent prayer that things would stay as peaceful as they were right in that moment, but she knew wishes were for people who had yet to have their hopes dashed, wishes were for people who still had the ability to believe and Callie, well she had begun to build up her belief but the constant dashing of hopes had left her at an all-time low. She allowed her hand to fall back to her side, turning towards Arizona and smiling so wide her cheeks hurt, nodding as they took a step towards a man approaching, in his hands a sign that read their names.
'Dr Robbins and Dr Torres?' he stated rather than asked, his English pronunciation plagued by his Chichewa accent, they both nodded, he looked down at where their hands sat between them, fingers tangled in one anothers' in a hold he could see was all too comfortable. Arizona noticed him staring at their hands, his mouth agape and holding a breath that she knew contained nothing but bad news. She bit her lip and looked over at Callie, who shook her head and loosened her hold on the blonde, who looked at her in confusion.
'It's illegal here… I can't kiss you, I can't fall asleep with you and I definitely can't hold your hand… I had completely forgotten…' she whispered the latter part of the sentence, her tone sad as she shook her head, dark tresses covering her face, hiding the sadness and disappointment on her face as well as the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes. Arizona looked up at their guide questioningly, not truly believing that she was going to have to spend the next few months or possibly years back in the closet, way back in there with the neon leg warmers she wore when she was a child. Their guide nodded, the breath he had been holding now informing her that while hand holding is acceptable in some places they shouldn't do it often as it made them clear targets, he informed them of an aid worker who had not long ago been targeted by a group of locals and who forced themselves on her after finding out she was a lesbian. Arizona looked on in complete shock, her mouth wide open and her gaze shifting to where Callie stood next to her, looking completely dejected her own gaze completely focused on her flip flops. Leaning closer Arizona nudged her gently, a silent plea for her to lift her gaze but the moment she lifted her focus from the floor she knew she shouldn't have, because one simple look was all it took.
'This is why you didn't want me to come here…' she asked, her voice quivering but still holding an authority that Callie would normally have challenged but there was something about this place that took hold of her, grabbed her by the arms and shook away, violently, any kind of attitude she acquired back over the past few years. She shrugged her shoulder, silently admitting defeat to something that was bigger than her, yes this was part of the reason she hadn't want Arizona to come here, but there was so much more to it. The blonde stepped in front of her and allowed her hands to fall between them, fingers entwining with hers as she bend her head to look into Callies eyes again '… why did you come with me? Callie…' anger lacing her voice as she gave the Latinas hands a gentle squeeze before asking once more '… why did you come with me?'. Taking a deep breath and blowing it our between pursed lips she toyed with lying to her and claiming she was in desperate need of sun hours, but she couldn't lie to Arizona, if she even so much as tried her mouth gave over to elongated vowel sounds and a shaking of her head that negated any word that fell from her lips and so she lowered her head, took once last look at normality that their hold on one another encompassed and she started.
'I came here to protect you…'
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