Disclaimer: I own nothing; I am just using these characters for fun. The song, "Save Me from Myself" belongs to Parker Theory.
A/N: I have never written a Twilight fic, ever. So rather than attacking it with my version of a 'What if…' since there are so many amazing ones out there, I decided to just focus on Jacob's perspective in a song fic.
Summary: This follows after Eclipse, Jacob is back and sadly, he is forced to see the love of his life in the arms of Edward. As much as Jacob tries to move on from Bella, and keep his emotions in check, deep down he knows he can't get past this as much as he wants to.
I stand in silence
Waiting for you to speak
I feel you presence here
It's all around me
Save me from myself
I need you in control
Sifting through the sand for signs of life
Get me out of here
Bring me to your light
The places I have been broke me down
Jacob Black was sitting on the beach staring at the horizon and for once he wasn't just angry, and he wasn't just sad, he was an entire mixture of emotions and this caused him to feel numb, but he continued to hold them in. 'I really need to start focusing on other things otherwise I'll never move on. She made her choice, and as stupid as I think it is I just have to let go no matter how hard it is.'
"Hey Jake!"
"Hey Quil. What's up?"
Quil scrunched his face up as he sat next to Jacob, "You weren't thinking about her again, were you?"
Jake shook his head, "Why does everyone assume I only think about her?"
Quil gave Jacob an incredulous look. "Come on Jake, it's okay to feel bad. She was your first love man, it's…"
Jacob interrupted as he stood up. "Look, I miss her, but she made her choice. I understand that, I just don't respect it." Jacob shook his head and led the way back to the Rabbit.
Quil pulled on Jacob's arm to stop him. "Why do you have yet to say her name? And when you hear any of us or any of her old friends in passing say it, you either smile sadly like you're remembering a memory, or you just look like you're about to blow up?"
Jacob froze, "I…"he couldn't answer the question.
Quil smiled sadly, "That's what I thought. You miss her a lot more than you're letting on. Admit you're sad man, it's the first step to healing." Jake rolled his eyes, causing Quil to change the subject, "Come on, Billy wanted me to drag you home for dinner."
Later that evening, Jacob went for a run in human form, thinking it may clear his head so he can focus on his future rather than the past. Lately, it's been difficult to focus on school and not connect it in some way to Bella. 'She was always so smart and she even made school seem interesting. Just thinking about a chance of a future with her, it made me want to do well so I could provide for her.' He shook his head violently as he stood alone in the darkness of the night. "Come on Jake, just let her go!" He growled to himself as he continued to run along the beach and he came to 'their' driftwood, he rolled his eyes and began running back home, deciding that moving on wouldn't happen tonight.
The next day, Jacob woke up early and decided to catch up on his school work, knowing deep down Bella would be proud. After hours of school work and finishing a paper, he decided he needed to work on his car. As he walked to the garage to change the oil of the Rabbit, he took in the sunset as he pushed back any flashbacks that were brewing. His heart clenched as her laughter and smiles broke through. The way she would bite her lip, tuck her hair behind her ear, smirk at his lame jokes. Sadly, these thoughts were followed by images of her and Edward holding hands, kissing, hugging, and smiling at each other. He huffed in disgust, breaking the oil pan in the process. "DAMNIT! Stupid leech!" Jacob threw the broken pan and fought back the urge to phase as he grabbed his bike and rode into town, ignoring the pain flooding his heart.
My mind is filled with you
This heart will beat for two
This life I live for you
You're all around me
Save me from myself
I need you in control
Sifting through the sand for signs of life
Get me out of here
Bring me to your light
The places I have been broke me down
'Seriously?' Jacob thought angrily as he saw Edward and Bella walking down the street hand in hand as he exited the auto parts store. He decided walking around the block to avoid them was the best choice at the moment, but he couldn't help but watch with envy, as they smiled and laughed. His heart stalled as he saw the huge engagement ring on her finger, glistening in the moonlight. Suddenly he decided to walk past them to his bike nonchalantly, 'maybe this'll help me move on, making me face them and realize I really have no chance', he thought, knowing this would in fact make things harder. 'Denial must be my best friend right now'. He walked briskly to his bike, hoping he'd go unnoticed by the two after having second thoughts.
"Jake?" Asked the girl he longed to be with, but didn't want to talk to at the moment.
"Hey Bella." He said quietly, and then he nodded to Edward "Edward."
"Jacob." Edward said calmly as he gave Jacob a knowing look.
'Damn him and his stupid abilities to read minds. Crap…he's probably doing it now. Don't worry; I just went to the auto shop to get parts to work on my car. I'm not trying to interfere for once. She chose you; I understand that, as much as I hate it!'
"Jake, how've you been?" asked a smiling Bella attempting to give him a hug.
Jacob gave her a thin smile, "I'm good. Looks like you are too." He replied awkwardly as he avoided giving her a hug. "Look, I gotta go. I'm working on the Rabbit as always. Nice seeing you both." He choked out as he backed away, trying not to notice the hurt look on Bella's face because he knew it would rip his heart apart even more.
"Umm...okay." she responded quietly. "Can I come by and visit some time?"
Jacob glanced at her ring, than at Edward who shrugged showing signs he was not going to prohibit it. "Uh…I don't think that would be a good idea." He muttered quietly, feeling his chest ache.
Bella bit her lip to hold back the tears "Oh," was her only reply as a few tears began to fall.
Edward held her hand tightly and looked surprised by Jacob's reply. 'Yea, I can step back and let you have her, just like you would if the situation was reversed. I just want her to be happy.' Jake thought, knowing Edward was trying to understand what was going on.
"I'd better get back home." He said briskly as he walked passed them and hopped on his bike. He revved the engine to life and sat there as he saw Bella stay in the same spot he left her. He noted that she was wrapping her arms around her stomach like she did when Edward left her. Edward must have been getting the car, since she continued to hold Jacob's gaze. Jacob held her gaze as he fought the urge to run to her and hold her in a tight embrace.
Time stands still
All I need is you, fulfill my soul,
Time stands still,
And all I see is you, fulfill my soul
Jacob broke the gaze, and stared at the sparkling bobble that donned her ring finger, clenching his jaw as he had an internal battle between his heart and his brain,' Damn, that ring must be huge, I can see it all the way over here. I could never get her things like that. Then again, she wouldn't have to DIE to be with me! Come on Black, you made it this far. Just leave! Rip the band-aid off!' He started riding, and when he reached the spot where Bella stood, he slowed and gave her a sad smile after mouthing "I love you", which she replied in the same manner. After they shared a short moment, he rode off, leaving her behind.
He sped home, reaching his garage in record time and quickly began working on replacing the oil pan and tuning the rest of the car up as he fought back all the emotions he was feeling. His eyes were burning, his chest was tightening with each breath, his hands began shaking and his throat felt as if it were closing, and he knew none of this had to do with the urge to phase.
Save me from myself
I need you in control
Sifting through the sand for signs of life
Get me out of here
Bring me to your light
The places I have been broke me down
Finally, he stopped what he was finished working on his car and fell to the ground, leaning against the side of the garage letting the tears fall as his whole body shook with each sob escaping him. As he continued to break down, he hoped someone out there would hear his silent cries and save him from the pain that continued to live in his broken heart.