Worry

Eames was worried.
Goren had been ill, very ill.
Mentally, emotionally and physically he had gone to the edge.
Tates had been the final straw.
But even before that, she knew that he had been not coping for a long time.
They were more than partners, after so long working together, how could you not be.
Sometimes they way they thought alike it had been a bit eerie (and somehow comforting). But lately things had been different, they were not connecting like they used to.
Did he realise? She thought so, but sometimes he was so good at hiding things that it frustrated her.

Eames had her own bad moments in the past years. Deaths on her hands that she tried to forget. Her own life precariously in balance. She tried to forget that too, but it was hard. She was worried; she knew Goren carried the burden of that dark time when she had been kidnapped. She had been targeted because of who Goren was. That fact could not be hidden from Eames. In the hospital, Goren had looked at her sadly, and gently said he was sorry. She had known that in that small sentence, that he exposed a whole world of grief and regret for what had happened to her. She had never blamed him. Bad things happened in their job. That was the reality. But Goren had not quite recovered. He had seemed to be all right, but Eames could tell that slowly, and sometimes not so slowly, his safe, constructed world that he had created for himself was unravelling. A combination of his mother, his brother, his father, his nephew, his life and her. Things had not been going well.
Eames had been worried for a very long time.

Why did Goren keep pushing her away? She had tried many times to ask about the things she knew were bothering him, and many times he had ignored her and a few times he had even walked away. How that had hurt her. She never blamed him. His life was not an easy one. Eames admired him for the man he had become despite the lonely grief filled childhood he had had. A gentle intelligent thoughtful man. One who was not so good at social graces or things that did not seem so important to him. But one who had the sweetest of souls. Who could calm the most traumatised child, while at the same time be an avenging angel against the perpetrators of the most reprehensible crimes.

This last 'adventure' at Tates, she saw had seen as a sign of his unbalance. She had tried to talk him out of it. "There were other ways" she had said. "Lawyers, journalists, the captain, anyone, you are not alone here, Bobby". But he could not be swayed. She had known in her heart that he would not be, but she had tried anyway. They had become close over the years, she knew he had other friends, but she also knew that he would not ask them for help if there was any type of danger. To Goren, in the end, he thought he always alone. Nothing could convince him otherwise. It had been a tough childhood, and he had the scars inside still. He was not easy to get close too. Sometimes their partnership only continued because she had held on so tightly. Now she couldn't find him to hang on to. Now Eames was the one who felt terribly alone and she was worried.

Where was he? He had been suspended. Not totally unpredictable, but Eames was surprised at the vehemence of the Chief of D's. She wondered at that and if he had anything to do with the way Deakins had left, but she kept those thoughts to herself. At the moment, Eames had been stuck with people who were not Goren. They were all nice enough, and if she didn't have any other choice, she might have been happy working with them. But she did have a choice. That large bulky figure would always be her choice. He would be back. It was just a matter of time.
But why didn't he answer her calls? She would give him a severe talking too when she caught up with him. They had been talking off and on a few times a week. It had been comforting. An anchor to the old life that she wanted back. When she could be near him, look at him, listen to him and laugh, or smile over jokes that over people did not understand. To interview witnesses and play those mind games together. She had always been more than willing to help. They were a good team. She thought they were good friends. Why didn't he answer her calls?

And then out of nowhere she saw him. Or was it him, she had already made that mistake a few times. But it was him, and her heart leapt in excitement. She caught up with him, and all the angry words that she had been going to say vanished, she was so pleased to see him. But, as she looked at his face, her friendly words choked in her throat. Something was wrong. She could see it in his eyes, blankness, emptiness and the one expression she saw that hurt so much, the one that was most obvious. The expression of "I do not want to see you Eames. Go away". He didn't say them, but he thought them. Eames knew. She knew exactly what he was thinking, he was not pretending, although she knew how good he was at that. Her words faltered and her heart shrivelled inside her. He finished talking, turned and walked away with out a backward glance. He had done it again. Damn him. He had walked away. Eames just stood there watching. She was worried for him and she was worried for herself. She needed him back

She could not help him. She had no control over anything that Goren did. She didn't think she ever did. Sometimes they had not always followed the rules. Occasionally, ADA Carver had been absolutely furious at him and at her. Eames was not happy with the way things had always gone but in the end she was his partner and she had been there. So many choices Goren had made that she thought might not be the best idea, but that was Bobby, once he had an idea, that was it. He was a rock . Forget trying to change his mind, and it had got Goren in to some bad situations. One of those times might be now. She was worried about him. She knew he could get strange ideas and run with them to 'who knows where'. Each and every idea had always started with the best of intentions, but some times they ended up paving the road to hell (or purgatory) . Where was he now? He was too clever for his own good sometimes.

Eames was worried. She had talked to Lewis, nothing. She had called at his flat, no one. She had looked for him in all his favourite haunts (including the library). He had not been in any of these places in the last few weeks. She had asked. Eames felt stupid. Goren would call her when he was ready. She just hoped that he would not do something that would bring permanent harm, to either of them.
Eames had asked the Captain about his suspension, The Captain thought there was some hitch somewhere, but he was working on it. That's all he knew. He had told her to concentrate on the big drug case she had been working on . It was all coming to a head. Eames nodded her head in agreement and left the Captain's office. That had been that . Logically, Eames thought his suspension should end soon and he would be back. She hung on to that. Then she could look at him and see he was safe everyday. She would just have to wait to see him.
She did not have to wait long.

They were ready to arrest the drug suspects. They knew where they were. Flak vest on , gun poised in her hand, adrenalin rushing through her body she waited for the call to enter the building. Eames had been one of the first through the door. She knew her job and was not afraid to do it. Eames saw a large man aiming a gun at another's head . She aimed her gun at the large man's face and focused to fire at him if necessary. Time stopped. The warning to drop the gun never fell from her lips. Her mind had gone totally blank. Not a muscle in her body could move. Her brain was screaming silently in her head "No, No, No." But it was Bobby , there was no doubt. He had a careless, empty look on his face, his gun was aimed back at her, but she saw no intent in his eyes to shoot her. That would have been too much. Instead he had the look of someone who had gone to far , someone who was ashamed of where they had gone. Someone who had finally gone over the edge and had abandoned all hope. All her worries had been right. All the angst he had suffered, had been too much for him to hold.

Eames allowed others to cuff him and lead the suspects away. She went through the motions of the arrest, but her mouth was dry. Her brain was racing. Was this her fault? Could she have done something? She had seen the mess he had become. She felt like crying, but she bit her lip to force those emotions away. Eames was not good with emotions. Bobby had been her perfect partner. Now he was gone. What addle-brain idea had he got into his head for him to have fallen so low. Had it been his mother? Had he not fully recovered from the torture at Tates? Eames started planning a defence strategy in her head. She knew good lawyers. Maybe they could get Bobby off. His mental state had not been good.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Why hadn't she pushed him to let her help. But she knew why she hadn't. Goren hated that. He was too independent. Well this time he was just going to have to take her help, whether he liked it or not. He was a good man. A damn good man and he was not going down.

She was resolved and entered the cell to talk to the Captain and Goren. But before she could say anything, they looked at her calmly and told her the truth. The words turned her world inside out. Goren had not fallen. He had been undercover. That made sense now. Goren had a strong core. He could not have turned to the dark side . She should have known that . But his behaviour, his treatment of her, what else could she have thought? The things that he had done, the things that he had said. He had been pretending he whole time. Damn him for being good at that . He had been undercover. Eames understood that. They had been undercover together many times before. They were good at undercover. They trusted each other absolutely. They had always done undercover work together, even Tates. Eames understood . She started to nod her head as her brain slowly processed the information. Then she felt unbalanced.
They had trusted each other, always . They had been undercover together many times. But he had gone alone this time and he had not called her. The 'old' Goren would have trusted her implicitly. This was a new Goren, a man she did not understand. There was a pain in her chest, her breaths became laboured. She could not trust herself to speak . She slowly started to shake her head from side to side in denial as her thoughts ran through her brain. Her hopes of working together just like the old days would never happen now. He had not told her. He had not trusted her not to betray him. Once trust has gone, how can it ever be regained? Alex turned and fled before her tears started to fall.

Eames flew through the office and took a lift to another floor. She went to the toilets and entered a cubicle and stopped. She knew she would be alone here for a while. She would not be found, not even Goren would find her. Even in the vain hope that he would come looking, but she knew now that he wouldn't. She did not cry. She just breathed and concentrated on that for a while. Why? Why had he not let her know. He was clever. Even if he was under surveillance, there were a hundred ways he could have let her know. Goren had obviously had some brilliant idea to fix everything. He always did. And most of the time it worked. He had all the crazy bizarre excellent ideas that somehow worked with ,Eames by his side and providing the link he had always needed. The link that had allowed him to fly to such heights knowing that no matter what happened Eames would be there for him. Even when they had disagreed ,Eames had been there for him. At least that 's what Alex had always thought. After all the things they had done together , all the times she had stood by him, stayed his partner when no one else would, defended him to anyone who attacked his 'strangeness'. A strangeness she had come to love. She had trusted him more than anyone. More than any other partner, more than her family, more than her husband.

Eames felt her emotions swirling around her . She could not pin them down. Could not control them. Could not control this situation. Secrets, hidden agendas, politics. She thought that with Goren at least, she would never have to play those games. She was wrong. She took a deep breath. What the hell did she think she was doing here hiding. She stood up and washed her face in the basin. Dried her skin briskly and looked angrily at herself in the mirror.
She thought of her husband, her baby, and her partner. "So Alex, on your own again. Stupid idiot, for you it always ends in pain". She had let her baby go by choice. She was okay with that. But not this. She had needed him, she had been so worried about him. And now she was the one who had been let go. Eames knew Goren was a genius, she knew she was not. But despite this inequality, they had respected each other. But that seemed to have gone. She felt her anger grow. She felt like an idiot . They had all known and she had not. It hurt. She knew exactly what she would say to her 'partner'. She needed to say it to him. Time Goren woke up to himself and saw the effect of his 'brilliant ideas' on the people around him . To people who worried about him. To people who cared for him. But she knew that she would probably not say anything. She left the room.

Eames was trying to control her emotions from overwhelming her. She was in the observation room watching. She would wait to talk to him. Maybe later when she was calmer and over the shock.
Then they were alone and Goren had softly said, "I'm sorry."
She had a swift flashback to a hospital room. Another time when Goren had softly said "I'm sorry' . But that time his face had been gentle and caring and full of concern and regret. She had got it. She had understood. From his brief statement and from his glance . It was as good as a thousand words. They had been close. She had got it.

"I'm sorry."
This time she could not read him. He did not seem contrite. Relief? Was there any understanding of her pain? Her pain for him? She did not get it, and she did not think that Bobby had got it either.
Her bottled up pain and worry came bursting forth in a rush of anger and hurt that she was unable to stop. He tried to explain. And through her anger she understood his reasons. She did get it. It hurt . It hurt a lot. Her worry and concern had been for nothing. He had not been worried or concerned for her. He had wanted his job back at any cost.
His way. And he had got it.
That was it.

Eames felt a fool. She lashed out using her best weapon. Her words. She wanted to hurt him, as he had hurt her. But she couldn't tell if any of her barbs were hitting their target. She didn't feel right. This didn't feel right. All that time hoping for his return and this was how it had to happen. Her brain was shouting at her to stop , but her heart kept the words going." I hope it was worth it, detective". She turned away and left.
She left.
It didn't feel right , but she was too far gone. She wanted to cry and wrap herself around him . To make sure he was really there and not in one of her many nightmares.
But it was too late.
She fled.

Eames was worried. All those hurtful things she had said. She could not apologise, not yet. Goren knew she would not . Goren would know if she was lying, damn him, so why bother pretending. So she didn't. She could hardly bear to look at him. There he was in his familiar suit, his jaunty walk and his sweet smile, he was trying to get back to normal.
She could not yet get rid of her anger . Her body was so tense she was amazed that she could sit down. She was angry at herself .She thought their partnership was an equal one , but it was not . She had thought she had been in control, but she hadn't been. She was pleased he was back. She was pleased he was safe. They would work together, that's what she wanted more than anything. The sound of his voice finally in her ears, His large frame finally at his desk. At his desk, and that's where he would stay. She would be his partner again.
But not today. She was hanging on to the bitterness of their argument.
She had to get away. It was so good to see him, but she couldn't say it .What was wrong with her. "God Eames, get your act together" she thought to herself. She decided tomorrow would be a better day. And although Eames told him she would see him tomorrow in such tiny bitter words and although she had turned and walked away from him again. They both knew she would be back tomorrow and they both took some comfort in that.

But Eames was worried.
Goren was back, he looked well. Not ill at all, he looked great. How had he bounced back so quickly? She looked forward to seeing him tomorrow.

But Eames was worried about herself.
She had lost it.
She had got angry and walked away. She thought it would have felt good. To be the one walking away for a change, but it felt wrong.
She felt wrong.
She was acting like Goren had when he had started to unravel.
She was losing it.
Her partner had returned , but Eames felt lonelier than before.

As the lift doors closed behind her, there was a small spark inside her that hoped Goren may have followed her, and would thrust his hand in the closing doors at the last minute to stop her . To make everything better. To save her. But the lift doors closed and he never came. And as the lift descending rapidly, Alex had a sinking feeling in her heart that things were not going to get better in a hurry. Her thin face remained in a tight small frown. "How do you stop it "she thought. What to do now?
She was worried, but she would keep on going.
Because that's what she always did.
And as she thought of seeing Goren tomorrow, her frown lifted a little.
She needed him there.

He had gone through hell and come out the other side. Maybe he could help her do it as well.

Fin.