The only thing Emma knew for sure was Jules.
Jules, with his messy hair and with the eyes bluer than the ocean that scared her so much. Jules, who painted everybody but her. Jules, who was always dirty because of the paint. Jules, who was the only one that could understand their secret language. Jules, who took care his siblings without asking anything in return.
Jules, who was always going to be there for her because he was her parabatai.
Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so
You said your mother only smiled on her tv show
You're only happy when your sorry head is filled with dope
I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old
Emma has always asked what would she do the day Jules and she grew apart. The idea sounded so unbelievable to her that she hadn't even thought about it until the day Cristina asked her what would she do the day Jules fell in love with someone. Or the day she fell in love with someone. At the end, they would both grow apart, but the idea was so painful that Emma rather give up love than losing his parabatai.
You're dripping like a saturated sunrise
You're spilling like an overflowing sink
You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece
And now i'm tearing through the pages and the ink
Jules ran into her room the moment he heard her scream. The room was so dark that, inside, Emma couldn't see anything else than a silhouette in the door, and she didn't relax until the boy came closer and hugged.
Jules smelt like paint, his hands were holding her tight and she started breathing normally when she felt the boy's breath in her hair.
"It was the sea" she only thing she could whisper against the shadowhunter's neck.
"I know" he mumbled, caressing her arm, a gesture that made Emma close her eyes. "Do you want me to stay?"
The question wouldn't have even been necessary, because the moment JULES woke up to close the door, the Nephilim girl laid down leaving a place for him. When he got to the bed, he turned to her so he could look at her and he held her hand.
"Get some rest, Emma" he said. "The nightmares won't come back".
And, even if it was only for a night, it was true.
Everything is blue
His pills, his hands, his jeans
And now i'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams
And it's blue
And it's blue
And now he was kissing her. Jules. Julian. Her parabatai, her best friend, the only person she would trust her life to, the person who knew more about her. From all the people in the world, mundane, Nephilim or downworld, the only person she shouldn't be kissing.
But she was doing it, in the middle of the beach, right next to the sea, and Emma wasn't scared at all. Julian was there, holding her like it was his life duty, smelling like painting, like family and like safety. Julian was kissing her, and she was kissing him back, and even though her eyes were closed she could only see his blue eyes, the ones she knew would be with her all her life.
Everything is grey
His hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he's so devoid of color
He don't know what it means
And he's blue
And he's blue
Maybe calling Cameron hadn't been a good idea. Maybe she shouldn't have kissed him, and very probably she shouldn't have let that kiss developed to something more. But she couldn't stop thinking about Julian, who was not Jules anymore, who had kissed her on the beach and with who she had made love for the first time in her life (because with Cameron sex was only sex, and Emma doubted that she would make love with anyone ever again).
But as she let Cameron kissed her and laid her and touched her over the clothes and then under them, and take down his kisses and did with them whatever he wanted, Emma closed her eyes and could only think that those kisses weren't Julian's, and that body that was over her was too red and too little blue for what she needed and loved.
You were a vision in the morning when the light came through
I know I've only felt religion when i've lied with you
You said you'll never be forgiven till your boys are too
And I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you
Julian couldn't leave his family. Not now that Mark was back with them but without knowing for how long. Not when Helen was still exiled with Aline, and not when Julian was the bud brother. Not when Ty and the rest of his siblings need him the most.
Julian had told her that they would run away together, but Emma knew that, even if he had meant it for a moment, those were empty words.
Because Julian could love her, and maybe even in a forbidden way, but he also loved his siblings, and Emma knew that both of them would renounced to be together if that meant the Blackwoods' happiness.
But knowing how much Julian loved his family only made her loving him more.
You're dripping like a saturated sunrise
You're spilling like an overflowing sink
You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece
And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink
Emma woke up when she was about to drowned in her dream. The only thing she wanted to do was going to look for Julian, let the boy hugged her in their sleep and ask him to chase away her nightmares just the way he had done it since they were kids.
She didn't even leave her bed. She couldn't ask him that after everything that had happened. She curled herself in her bed, imagining that Julian was hugging her, and she cried herself to sleep.
Everything is blue
His pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams
And it's blue
And it's blue
She shouldn't have wanted him to kissed her back so much. She shouldn't let him kiss her now, but his study was full of paints of her and he had told her that he loved her and Julian was all the blue she didn't have and that she had been looking so much and maybe she shouldn't love him the way she loved him but she did, and maybe it was wrong but in that moment, with Julian's lips in hers and his hands caressing her, she couldn't think about it.
Everything is grey
His hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he's so devoid of color
He don't know what it means
And he's blue
And he's blue
You were red, and you liked me because I was blue
But you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky
Then you decided purple just wasn't for you
She had never regretted becoming Julian's parabatai. Never. It had allowed her to be by his side when the Clave would have never permitted it. She had been able to meet the love of a family after her was had been murdered. After becoming parabatai the were best friends, but once they were… they were not only stronger and more powerful together, but theirs souls have inevitably become one.
But the moment Jem explained her why parabatais couldn't fall in love, the moment she realized how closed they were of becoming monsters and destroying everything they loved, she asked herself what would have happened if they had made a different choice, one that doesn't included being parabatai, one that could have maybe allowed Julian the way she wanted to.
Everything is blue
His pills, his hands, his jeans
And now I'm covered in the colors pull apart at the seams
And it's blue
And it's blue
Everything is grey
His hair, his smoke, his dreams
And now he's so devoid of color
He don't know what it means
And he's blue
And he's blue
(Everything is blue)
Using Mark was not a good idea. He was totally sure of that. Even if she had had a crush on him when she was little, the only trace that was left from it was friendship. She had only chose him because they were alike, and because she knew that he also needed some company to get over the fact that Kieran had left him for the first time since they had met.
And because Jules had told her that seeing her with him would break his heart.
Breaking someone you love's heart is not easy, but it is easier than allow them to become a monster. And maybe Emma would always love him, maybe Julian would fall in love with another girl and maybe he would miss him her entirely life, but if she could save him, it was all worth it.
Because she knew that the blue eyes that looked at her with love in her dream were his parabatai's. And she knew that that would never change.