A/N: The song lyrics are bold. Naruto's thoughts are normal type. Kyuubi's thoughts are italicized. I hope you enjoy the story.
Warning: Violence and language.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto and I don't own the song "Sweet Sacrifice" by Evanescence.
Beta-ed by the fabulous writer ladywolfTerri! You should go read her stories. They're really good.
Sweet SacrificeIt's true, we're all a little insane,
but it's so clear.
Now that I'm unchained.
My poor, poor Naruto. I feel that you're finally figuring out a lot about yourself. Deep down you want to kill, you're part of me: a killer. You want power, although you may not know yet, it's so you can rule over others as a tyrant. You will become hokage and a powerful one at that, and that is when I'll fully awaken. Every time you get stronger I do as well, we are one in the same. I wonder if you've noticed that I can freely take over you now whenever I please? I assume not because you don't show any signs of trying to contain me again, or maybe you are just trying to pretend that you don't know.
I want to pretend that I'm not cursed. I want to pretend that Kyuubi doesn't reside within me. But I can't. Not any of it. I'm cursed and Kyuubi is inside of me. It makes me want to die so I can be revived without him just like Gaara was. That bastard was so lucky, and when I found out about this I was overcome with rage and I didn't know why. Then after thinking about it day and night I realized why.
I found that my mind is slowly merging with Kyuubi's. Our thoughts are far more synchronized than ever before. I can hear what he thinks and it feels like I'm cheating in fights because he's able to anticipate and read into movements better than I do and I find myself knowing them as well because of him. His killer intent is filling me and I'm afraid of what I'll become. It's like I'm slowly falling into insanity. I won't be able to live with myself if I become the monster that he is. How could I live with myself if I was like that? I wanted to kill Gaara just because he was released from Shukaku. I should have been happy for him, but no. I would have been fine with him never being resurrected. Is anyone willing to give their life for mine if that chance ever arises for me?
Can I live with myself after I've become one with Kyuubi? Will I be the killer that he was? How could I still reach my dream of being hokage if the fact that if I did become Hokage, Kyuubi would eventually be the ruler of the village he almost destroyed completely? Do I so selfishly still follow my dream knowing that I'm giving Kyuubi power and status? After thinking it all over…yes. It is the one thing I've always wanted. The only way I'll be recognized and redeem myself for having to be the vessel that carries him is if I become their leader. I want the respect that I've never been given, and knowing I'm going to do this selfish thing makes me scared. I'm scared of myself.
Fear is only in our minds.
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time.
Is this fear real? Or am I just being paranoid? I find myself questioning everything I do now. I'm so worried that I'm not myself anymore. That it's not even me living and breathing, that it's actually Kyuubi. More than once have I found myself agreeing with what he's thinking and that is horrible of me. I've been thinking about how annoying Sakura really is. I even thought that she was a cruel bitch that didn't care about anyone's feelings but her own. The girl who I had my first crush on and was now one of my closest friends, and I found myself mentally talking bad about her. Sakura was like a sister to me and yet I'm so cruel as to think these things of her. I want to believe that it's just Kyuubi that is thinking these things, but I can't tell my own thoughts from his. I can't believe how stupid I am. It's like I'm loosing my mind. All I think about anymore is whether or not I'm just like Kyuubi yet or if some part of me is still alive and fighting the demon I hold within.
I think about it far too much. I think of it while I'm eating, while I'm training, and hell even in my dreams. The nightmares scare me the most. I see myself just like him while as hokage, and the villagers still despise and hate me. That even though I've reached my goal I'm still not good enough for them, just because I'm Kyuubi's vessel.
Sometimes I play with thoughts of death but I'm not so weak as to give in. I'm too stubborn and dauntless in my goals to ruin them by suicide. I also have thoughts of watching and enjoying seeing other people die creep into my mind though, and sometimes I find myself accepting missions in which I get to kill just so I can indulge in those thoughts. Are these thoughts Kyuubi's or mine?
My sweet innocent Naruto so clueless to what he's going through. He always thought that he was the one in control and that he had the power to hold me dormant. How little does he know that I've always been able to influence him. I want him to live in constant fear of the power I have over him. I want him to worry every second of his life if he'll kill someone close to him just because I take him over for a few moments. As long as he doesn't realize this and starts to fight back, I shall be able to manipulate him until he's so powerful that I can easily take control and have a perfect body to use when I once again start my reign of terror.
You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
You know you live to break me- don't deny.
Sweet sacrifice.
I don't want Kyuubi in me. I wish I knew a way to kill him, or at least get him to the point where he isn't influencing anything I do. I don't want to live with this fear that I'll be doomed to kill all those I care about and never get the respect that I want so badly. I want to be loved. With respect usually comes some sort of love. You look up to those you respect because you love a quality that they have. But it's too hard to always put up my happy façade. Tears stream down my face when it becomes too much for me. I have to go all the way out into the deepest reaches of the forest so that the night blankets me and fills me to the point of breaking so that I can break down and cry. I also scream out all my frustration and all my worries. I want to break Kyuubi, but I find that he's the one breaking me.
The moon frowns as if feeling my sorrow, knowing that morning is soon to arrive and kill him until it falls away into noon and then evening when he will once again reign over the night. At that point when the sun smiles in victory at being in control once more, I have to wipe the tears away and go back to my life of pretend.
Naruto is my thing to control. To dominate. To use. To abuse. To hurt. To kill. He's mine in every way shape and form. If I wanted him to suffer, I'd make him suffer. If I wanted him to kill someone I was annoyed with, I'd find a way to make him think they deserved to die. If I wanted to abuse him, I'd just have him hate himself and purposefully let the enemy hit him. If I wanted to kill him, I'd make him get to the lowest of his lows and then have him think it would get better, only to have that miniscule hope be crushed so that he'd want to die and end it then and there.
He's starting to defy me though. I don't like not being obeyed. I find him thinking things over and deciding not to do what I say just because he finds it against his morals. I can feel the rage boiling in me as I silently watch trying to not make my presence known that much. I want all of this to be on a subconscious level. He wants to break me and kill me. I can't let him get control. I'll lose all that I've worked so hard to gain. He's mine and I won't let him make me his plaything. He's my puppet and he'll always just be my puppet. He'll never be the puppet master.
One day I'm gonna forget your name.
And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain.
I'll beat Kyuubi one day. He'll just be a fading memory in my mind and never shall he ruin my life again. I've suffered so much because of him. All this pain, it's suffocating and overwhelming. I'm choking on something I can't even see. I wish I could just kill him and lose all memory of him ever being part of me. He makes me go crazy inside. He gets me so pissed that I want to take it out on others since I can't take it out on him. I can't even remember the last time I went home to my apartment and had a good night's sleep. I only go there to get clothes and eat, other than that I'm never home. I'm usually out on a mission. I've gotten so good so fast. No longer am I the so-called idiot and dead last in my class. I've surpassed all of them. They are following in vain. I don't think Sasuke could ever get to the point I've reached now. Just my presence seems to strike fear into others. Knowing that I could kill them so easily. None want to anger me anymore. The villagers don't respect me; they fear me. They worship me as a god, although I'm a god they hate. If they could they'd enjoy seeing me die a torturous and excruciatingly painful death. I can feel the sick enjoyment they'd feel from watching that radiate off of them when I catch that dark look in their eyes.
How far have I fallen? I've become a person I hate. I used to be the optimistic guy that cared about everyone, even if they hated me. Now I'm a monster that is powerful and out of control. Everyone fears me. This was never what I wanted. Sakura is even careful around me now. Sasuke doesn't challenge me anymore. Even though Orochimaru had picked him and trained him, I'm so much stronger than he is now. He has already reached his limit of potential. But mine is still not at that point and yet no one even comes close to my level of skill. I'm not human anymore. I'm a demon. A being with unlimited strength. I want my revenge. Kyuubi has made me a monster; I've lost my humanity to him. I can't believe that I haven't realized until now.
But he's always been in control of me. Ever since day one, he's been making it seem like I was the one who had the power and was making all the decisions. He's the one pulling the strings. I'm like a lifeless doll that he's playing with. I'm no toy, damn it. I will get my revenge. I want him to die. Hear him beg to live and squirm in fear knowing I could kill him in an instant. But I'm the one that is secretly begging to live and squirming in fear. He's using me. I'm nothing in his eyes. All I am is his little puppet that he's using to get back the power that he's been craving for so long. He's not even going to wait for me to become an adult before he takes me over. I can feel it. I'm almost to the point of power that is adequate enough for him.
I'm not going to let him win. Now that I know, I have to fight back. I don't want to live a life that's not my own. Just because Kyuubi is inside of me, I won't let him live for me. This is my body, and my life. I won't let him ruin the few things I have left. I won't let him kill those close to me. I won't let him get me completely. I'm going to make sure that he doesn't take control. I have to cut the strings that he's controlling, because a puppet with no strings cannot be controlled. I want him to feel the pain he's put me through. I know I'll find a way to do that somehow. I'll make him suffer. I want to see him beg for me not to kill him, because I will kill him. He is probably the only thing, yes thing, he's not worthy of a title, which I truly wish death upon. I'll have him drown in everything he's ever done to ruin my life and create his perfect puppet.
Fear is only in our minds.
Taking over all the time.
Fear is only in our minds but its taking over all the time.
I'm afraid he's learned of my plan. If only he had been in denial just a little longer. I could have overthrown him and now be in control. But no, he had to realize what was happening. That damn boy. He's making my life difficult and I'm not patient enough to deal with him. If he doesn't start obeying me once more, I'm going to have to go to some extreme measures. Things that might destroy him, like watching loved ones die by his own hands…
I want to see him suffer. I want to see him scream. I want to see him beg for death. I want him to need me. Be screaming for me to let him sleep in the recesses of his mind, never having to deal with the harsh reality ever again. I want him to want me, no to need me. I want him to love me. Love is probably the most addicting thing a person can ever taste. It's so intoxicating and desired. They crave the comfort and feelings that they get from love. All kinds of love. Once you have a little you can't help but want more. I want Naruto to want me. I need him to love me. I want to pull him in so deep that his sense of love is so warped that a show of affection is stabbing that person to death while hearing them scream in pain and horror. I want him to enjoy the sight of blood and the fear that can be invoked with just a look.
I want him to be so afraid of me. So, so afraid. I want him to beg me for life and guidance. I know I can get him to. I just need to push the right buttons and say the right things. Make him think he's winning this battle and that I'm giving up. Then when he's least expecting it, I'll strike and destroy him. He's so weak, it's not even funny. It's rather ironic that the poor boy has lasted so long. Many other people who had to be my vessel would probably have gone insane and killed themselves by now, but this boy was so weak that he couldn't even face death.
Hah, people think he's strong for not wanting to die. Ever think it wasn't his strength? Maybe he was just afraid of death? No. Of course not. Not Naruto. They think he's so strong. But inside he's so conflicted and pained. I've been with him his whole life. I know more about him then even he knows. I was there since he was just born. Do you know what it's like having to watch a child grow up? He was too afraid of making friends. No one liked him. That fear was so great that he had to act out and embarrass my precious reputation just to get a little attention. He would have called more attention to himself if he had actually listened to some of the things I had told him to do. He's afraid though. He fears so much. He's afraid of failing and not being respected. He's afraid of dying alone and not having friends. He's so human that it sickens me. You'd think that living with a demon inside him would make him resent life and the world just a little more than he did. But no, he looks on the bright side when he can. Heck, he befriended that Uchiha boy even after he betrayed the village. I thought maybe what corruption was left from being with Orochimaru might rub off on Naruto if they spent time together, but no. That stupid blond ruined it once again. He managed to rub off on the Uchiha. It's like he's a goddamn fucking saint. I can't believe I am stuck in this body.
If only I had someone who had just slightly less morals and less self control. Anyone would have worked, anyone but him! It's so frustrating knowing that no matter how hard I've worked, that with a little knowledge he's managed to ruin all these years of planning. It's driving me insane. That little fucker is afraid of me too and yet he still defies me. He's just begging for me to crush him. I can't wait to hurt him so much more than I already have. I want to see this boy die. I want to see that fear in his eyes.
You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
And oh you love to hate me don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice.
We are at odds with each other. It's like an impossible game; one without an end. It's pure insanity to think I'll win, but I have to keep trying. He wants to see me dead. I don't want to die though. He wants my body but I don't want him to have it. I hate him so much. He's playing with me still, no. He's too violent now to be playing. He's serious. Which means I'm having some effect on him. I need to crush him. I feel so cruel for wanting him gone. But he belongs only in the back of my mind as a fading thought.
Sometimes it's so hard just to live with myself. I mean, I've looked at how much I've changed and I don't know how to go back to who I was. I was talking to Sasuke earlier and he said something to me when I asked him if he liked who I am now or who I was before. He said 'Your Naruto. You're not different from before. To me you've always been the same. You'll always just be Naruto.' Should this comfort me? It made me feel so good to know that at least one person didn't hate me yet. I feel that I've changed so much, but maybe I haven't. Maybe this whole Kyuubi thing has just got me paranoid, afraid that I've changed. Am I loosing my mind? I don't want to be afraid of living anymore. I'm so afraid of life, but not as much as I'm afraid of death. Can I live with myself after going through all of this? I just don't know anymore.
That poor naïve boy; that sweet innocent thing. He's so lost. He doesn't even realize that it doesn't matter what others say. All that matters is what you think. In the end you only have yourself. You can't rely on others. Others can betray you, you can't control other people you only have control over yourself. It's insane to have friends. They're just there to get close to you so they can catch you off guard and kill you. He's blind to all of this though. I wish I could make him see that my opinion is right. He should live only for himself. He wastes his life protecting others. They'll die eventually so does it really matter when it happens? People die everyday and I don't see him mourning each death. I think he's the cruel one to discriminate whom he cares about and who he doesn't. He's not as much of a saint as I thought. He sickens me, and I get enjoyment out of watching people beg and scream for me not to kill them only to drag out their imminent deaths.
He loves the fact that he hates me. I can just feel it. You can see it in his eyes too. If you look closely you'll see a glint of darkness flash if you mention me. He hates me so much that he loves how much he hates me. It's the only evil I've been able to get him to feel. Why oh why does he have to make this so hard? I just need to find a way to redirect what he has for me to something that would be beneficial to me. I want him to be like me, I'm being so very kind. I'm willing to share my life with him. He's just so stubborn and selfish. He's not willing to give me any power. Doesn't that seem rude? I mean, this is Naruto, so called optimistic boy that is kind hearted. Such a lie. He's so selfish. Wanting to live only to complete his goal.
Kyuubi is the liar. I have found now that I can hear every thought that comes from him. I'm stronger than he thinks. I'm not so weak as to give in to him. I can't let him trick me I have to keep my guard up. He wants to see me relax and think I've won. He wants me to feel guilty for what I've done. But he's killed countless without even batting an eye and yet he wants me to share my life when he so easily throws others lives away? And he calls me stubborn and selfish. I think he's speaking of himself.
Lies. You know that I'm just your sacrifice.
No, you think of me as your own.
Naruto…I'm not even alive. You are only speaking to yourself. Kyuubi? Once sealed away I've actually died. How can I even take control if you don't let me free? You've gotten so strong that you've locked me away so tightly, you've made me a part of yourself. You're the one to blame for all of this. You melded us together into one.
No…it's not true. You're lying to me again. Just so you can get control.
I dream in darkness.
I sleep to die.
Erase the silence.
Erases my life.
Our burning ashes.
Blacken the day.
A world of nothingness.
Blow me away.
"Sasuke…" I lean back onto the ground staring at the darkening sky. It gently breathes its spell upon me and calms my soul.
"Hn?" Always as silent and brooding as ever, but all the same he's still my best friend.
"If…if I ever change so much that I'm not who I am. I want you to kill me."
"What? Dobe stop saying stupid things." I can't believe he thinks that I'm joking about this. That's the problem. He always thinks I'm just kidding around, like when we were kids. Not really comprehending what I say.
"I'm being serious Sasuke. The me you know now, may disappear if I lose." I stand and begin to walk away.
"What do you mean? What's going to happen Naruto?" His questions fall on deaf ears as I walk out of earshot, although Sasuke is very persistent. He just has to get up and follow me. "Naruto tell me what's going on." He grabs me and holds tightly onto my shoulders. I have to look up at him for we have a difference in height by three inches.
"Kyuubi has been awake the whole time. He's always had power over me. Now he's just finally trying to take me over completely." I see the shock register in his eyes but it never makes it to his face. He's so good at hiding the emotions from his face. That mask is always in place, even for me his closest, and possibly only friend. The village still despises him for his betrayal. I wish that Sasuke and I could just fade away into nothingness. He once told me how when his parents died he had wanted to die. Every time he lay down to sleep he hoped that he wouldn't wake up. Everything he once cared about had gone up in flames and he felt like the ashes that just hadn't been blown away. He then made me swear to never repeat what he had said.
"He's…awakened?" He is more like the dense one. Everyone tells me I'm dense and I was so blunt in what I just said and he didn't get it.
"No. He's always been awake. He's an evil demon, he can lie and pretend, you know. He's just been laying dormant, waiting for the right time to fully awaken in me so he can reap terror on the world once more."
"Can't you stop him?" Sasuke still cares, despite everything. Even if it's hard for him to show that he does care, he indeed does. It's been four years since he was brought back to the village and in that time he's changed. He's gotten more accepting and compassionate. Although it may not seem like he has. It's hard to change, and yet slowly he's doing it. When I saw him help a little girl who fell on the ground up, I knew that I had had some effect on him. He was learning to be a better person. That was me, not Kyuubi, who taught him that. I just wish I didn't have to worry him with my problems.
"Yes, but I may not live in the process. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about this. So I just want to make it so that we both at least end it now with no regrets. I don't want you to have to lose me without saying goodbye first." I feel a grin spread across my face, but I see it does nothing to reassure Sasuke.
"I don't want this to be goodbye Naruto. You'll live through this. I know you will." That determination in his eyes; I wish I felt like that about this situation. Sasuke has so much faith in me. I'm afraid to disappoint him.
"Yeah." I nod at him and then continue my walk home without looking back. If I do, I might forget that look I just saw in his eyes. If I look back and see any doubt, I won't be able to even try. If Sasuke doesn't even believe in me, then I stand no chance. But since he does, I'll do it and live through it just for him.
Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?
Kyuubi…do you know why I hate you? Why I despise you so much. Why I want to see you suffer as much as I've had? I don't see how you can live with yourself. You're a cold killer and everyone hates you. What is your reason for living? Why don't you just die? No one wants to see you alive and in power.
I don't have to wonder why you hate me. I already know. I supposedly ruined your life. Ever thought that I wasn't the one who decided to be in your body? No, it was that damned father of yours. Sealing me inside his own son. He wanted you to be a hero, but look at what you are. You're just a little boy that everyone despises. It's your father's fault, he's the one who sealed me within you and yet you blame me for your misery. If I had been placed in any other body, you wouldn't resent me as much as you do. Sure you'd probably hate me for what I did to your village and for your father's death, but you wouldn't feel as much for me as you do now.
I don't understand you. You change everything to make you look good. You make me want to believe that it's not your fault at all. That you're the innocent one and that everyone else is guilty. Kyuubi, you're so smart. You're so powerful. You're probably the only reason why I was able to get as strong as I am now. I always had you holding me up, and making me strive for life and power. I guess I should thank you, but you only helped me for your own selfish gain. You don't really care about me. You just want me to be exactly like you. Well since you do. I have to tell you this. I could be mean. I could be angry. I could be hateful. I could be cruel. I could ruthless. I find it funny how you thought you were the one controlling me, if you had just stayed out of it you wouldn't have held me back so much. I could have been so much stronger by now if I didn't have you hanging over me, trying to make me just like you. I'll never be you though.
You're still so foolish Naruto. You think I want you to be just like me. No, I want you to be me. Or are you still too weak to handle what I have to say? Wouldn't want you to make a mistake that you can't fix. You almost kill yourself when you make a small mistake because it makes you feel weak, but isn't it weak of you to do that? Someone strong wouldn't have to resort to such meaningless self-discipline. You make me so angry. You are wasting your life and power. You could be the best! Naruto, you could even be more well known than I ever was! You could be a god. All would worship you.
I don't want that! I want to live for myself. I want to earn respect through mistakes and I can never be strong if I'm never weak! I don't need you. I can become strong on my own, and I'll gain the respect of those who despise me. I'll show them who I really am. I'll prove them all wrong.
You worthless little brat. You don't deserve the life you were given!
And you aren't worthy enough to decide who lives or who dies. I won't let you kill countless people once more.
Oh really? And how are you going to stop me?
I'm going to kill you.
I'd like to see you try.
Then shall we?
Let's go…
-
Naruto fell to the floor in his living room. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he faded into his mind. He lay still almost as if he were dead before he twitched.
His hands clenched into fists tightly and unclenched while he gritted his teeth. He was like a person who was having a nightmare. Sweat gleamed on his tan skin as he tossed and turned on the floor gasping for breath. It was like he was fighting something, and he was. You could see his eyes moving around under the closed lids. The movements frantic and erratic, you couldn't tell whether he was winning or losing. His breath came in fast pants now; he was clutching at the ground and clawing helplessly since there was nothing to grab hold of.
With a scream he fell limp once more. One of them had died
You poor sweet innocent thing.
Dry your eyes and testify.
You know you live to break me- don't deny.
Sweet sacrifice.
The blond awoke and stared blankly at the ceiling in a shocked state of mind. "I guess he was the sacrifice…"
The EndIt's up to you who won. You choose. Was it Kyuubi or Naruto that survived?
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