"You will be fine," Teyla Emmagen said as she pressed the edge of the pressure bandage to Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard's forehead. "It had already stopped bleeding before I began to clean it."
"I know. Thanks," Sheppard said as he looked across the flames of the fire to Rodney McKay. "You're sure he's okay?" he asked softly so that the scientist on his team wouldn't hear the concern that he could not hide.
"He will be sore, but I believe that he will be fine. I have done what I can for him," Teyla answered in a hushed tone. "He blames himself," she added as she, too, looked toward the injured scientist.
"He always does," Sheppard responded as he started to get up.
"You should rest," Teyla said as she reached for John's arm in an attempt to prevent him from rising.
"I will," he replied with a small smile. "Over there," he finished as he nodded toward McKay.
Sheppard walked around the fire on his way to his brooding friend. Ronon Dex had first watch and was standing near the perimeter of their small camp, keeping a careful eye on the rest of his team. John Sheppard figured that Ronon and Teyla, neither of whom were injured during the landing, would be covering their camp the entire time that they waited for their rescuers to arrive. The jumper was out of commission, currently wrapped around an alien tree on an alien planet that they had been scouting due to some energy readings that Dr. Rodney McKay had insisted were too promising to ignore. Rodney's arguments had been compelling, as usual, with Atlantis' chief scientist and his partner in crime, Dr. Radek Zelenka, tag-teaming passionately in the briefing the day before. Who could say no to that? The civilian leader of the expedition found the enthusiasm and convincing presentation impossible to deny. Elizabeth Weir had given the mission her wholehearted approval.
In the end Sheppard's team had found that at least some of those energy readings turned out to be an electrical storm, but not until their jumper had been hit by a severe lightning strike that had taken out all power on the Ancient craft and forced an emergency landing. And this was why one Rodney McKay was sitting alone and blaming himself. Again.
Sheppard sat down next to his teammate. McKay had his head cupped in one hand, his elbow resting on his left knee. His other arm was strapped up against his chest. He looked about as beat as Sheppard felt, though it was likely that Rodney felt much worse. He had been knocked around far too much during their rough landing. The scientist had worked until the very end trying to get power back. He had been in the rear of the jumper, checking desperately for options and had not got back to the safety of his seat before they crashed. McKay was left with a possible fracture in his right arm, a wrenched neck and a badly bruised thigh for his troubles. Sheppard knew there were myriad other bruises on the man that Carson Beckett would be sure to find later. Yet just before they landed, McKay had managed to pull off another small miracle in getting power back to communications and advising Atlantis of the impending crash landing and warning about the storms. That would give Zelenka the heads-up he would need to navigate through the lightning strikes.
"You should be resting," John said to the clearly troubled man.
Rodney returned a weary sigh and then raised his head to look at Sheppard. "Are you okay?" he asked sadly.
"Better than you, I'd say."
"That's not saying much. And thanks for the brilliant observation, but that's not what I asked," Rodney replied with exasperation.
Sheppard ignored the prickly tone and said, "I'm fine." He watched carefully to make sure McKay had absorbed that fact, and then he added, "This wasn't your fault."
Rodney snorted with disgust, turned away sharply and winced at the pain in his neck. He looked back at Sheppard and countered, "How do you figure that?" McKay grimaced slightly at the pain he'd just caused himself as his arm moved while he tried to make his point.
John winced in sympathy. "Take it easy. You got knocked around pretty badly. You should head to the tent."
"I can't get comfortable," Rodney answered. John could believe it. He'd experienced some bad accidents in his flying career; a full body bruising like Rodney's hurt like hell, and recovery from all those injuries at once wasn't much fun, either.
"I think I can help with that." John rose and reached out his hand. Rodney hesitated. He looked up at Sheppard's face and saw the steely determination. McKay was a little too tired, a lot too sore, and definitely feeling too beaten down to fight that look. He took the offered hand and planted his good leg in the ground to brace himself for the move. John was careful not to jostle his friend too much. They started the slow walk to the tent.
"We can rig up a couple of packs, prop you up good," John said in easy explanation as they headed to Rodney's sleeping quarters for the next few hours.
"You know this was my fault," Rodney insisted sadly as they walked. The evening was nicely cool, their compact campsite warmed efficiently by the fire. The twin moons, one full and one crescent shaped, lit the surrounding area and would help simplify Lorne's search and rescue effort. At least their wait for rescue would be in decent alien weather. Thank heavens for small favors, John figured. Very small favors, he thought again as he took another look at McKay. It looked like he'd better prepare for a debate with the scientist, which was something at the very tip top of the list of things he would prefer to avoid on this night.
"No it wasn't.
McKay stopped walking and turned to Sheppard. "Colonel, I should have been able to figure out that those energy readings were a storm. I…"
"How?" John challenged.
"How?" Rodney frowned in response.
"Yes, McKay. Tell me how and then I'll decide if it was your fault or not."
"You'll decided?" Rodney asked sharply.
"That's what I said."
"Why…" Rodney continued to argue. John cut him off.
"Because I'm in charge and I'm not in the mood to argue the point any longer." Being in charge had its advantages. Plus, Rodney McKay was a genius...Sheppard knew that his brilliant friend would get the hint quick enough.
"Fine. The readings…" the scientist started, pausing as he thought carefully through the events of the last two hours, "it wasn't clear what they indicated. Hm." McKay looked perplexed. Sheppard nodded knowingly. "There were high levels…" Rodney explained.
"Consistently high," John suggested. Sheppard knew this to be true. Rodney had provided the update on the readings throughout their approach to the planet.
"Yes. They never fluctuated," Rodney agreed.
"If there had been a storm, with lightning, we should have seen wildly fluctuating readings, right?"
Rodney blinked tiredly. He put his good hand up to his head and rubbed it gently. "Yes," he said with a heavy sigh. He hated it when he couldn't focus on his argument.
"And maybe some sightings of lightning or flares of some sort?" John interrogated.
Rodney lowered his head to his chest, but thought twice about it after the action caused a sharp pain. "Yes. I would have expected that."
"So far, no blame to be had," John assured his friend.
"But…" Rodney started; Sheppard wouldn't let him continue.
"Rodney," he said, clasping McKay's forearm and pulling Rodney's hand from his head, and not letting go, "listen to me. You are not to blame for every bad thing that happens. I get the sense…" John paused to try to find the right words, "you seem jumpy and defensive lately. I think I know why. I'm sorry. I know I've had a hand in making you feel that way."
Sheppard didn't feel remotely prepared to admit the real reason why he had been treating Rodney so badly recently. It was so easy to blame his behavior on lingering distrust in the scientist in the wake of Arcturus. Everybody bought that. John Sheppard wasn't sure he was ready to admit a lot of truths just yet, but he knew he needed to stop this. Rodney thinking that he was to blame for all of the wrongs of their stay in the Pegasus galaxy, or needing to defend himself every time something bad happened; John had some control over that, and could admit his culpability in Rodney's low self-esteem.
Rodney and low self-esteem, in the same sentence. How in the hell had he let that happen? There was no one John Sheppard trusted more in his life currently than Rodney McKay; he needed to let Rodney know that from this point forward.
"I…" Rodney pulled his hand from John's, uneasy with the comfort being offered. He waved his hand in front of him, as though asking Sheppard to slow down. "I have, um, made some errors in judgment," he said.
"One," John corrected.
"No. More. More than one. I have misjudged…people. I should have known..." Rodney shook his head sadly. Sheppard could see that Rodney was prepared to use every slight misstep he had ever made while on the expedition to justify how he currently felt, how he had now found himself in such a low place.
"We've all done that, Rodney. And we have all done things that we regret." Rodney nodded in agreement, his head bowed once again. John hated that. It was so 'not' Dr. Rodney McKay. The Air Force colonel really had some work to do to fix this.
John took Rodney's good arm and steered him to the tent's opening.
"Look, you're swaying on your feet. Sit here for a sec. I'll set things up for you." Sheppard eased McKay to the ground. "You all right?"
"Yes. Sure."
Translation: no fucking way was Rodney McKay all right. He was far from it. But it wasn't remotely fair to make the man deal with that shit right now.
John tried to prop up the packs, but removing McKay's equipment to make them more comfy was also keeping them from standing upright. The colonel considered putting the Ancient and Earth toys back in, but he knew that Rodney would kill him if anything broke because the scientist leaned too heavily on it. Sheppard exited the tent to find McKay lying on the ground. John frowned and kneeled next to his friend.
"Rodney?" he asked, putting his hand gently on McKay's sore neck. "How's it goin'?"
McKay snorted lightly. "Couldn't stay up straight, at least not without that tree over by the fire," he explained. "It's actually not as uncomfortable as it looks."
"Well, I'm not sure I'm buying that, buddy. But at least you can't fall and hurt yourself more if you're already down for the count."
"Good point," Rodney answered tiredly as he closed his eyes.
John rubbed Rodney's neck a little longer and then said, "I'm going to go grab some logs to help prop this stuff up." Rodney's eyes remained closed. John tapped McKay's cheek lightly. "Hey, did you hear me?"
"You are a very annoying man," Rodney stated matter-of-factly. He blinked wearily in an effort to stay awake. "Logs," he answered cryptically.
"Good. Be right back," Sheppard said as he headed towards Teyla at the fire.
"'kay," Rodney muttered.
"How is Dr. McKay?" Teyla asked with concern.
"He's okay. He's hurting," John answered. The 'in more ways than one' that he was thinking he chose to keep to himself. "Can you grab that log for me? These two should help keep the packs good for McKay to lean against."
"That is a good idea. It will help him to avoid putting pressure on his neck and arm." John nodded his agreement. "I will get the blanket from my pack so that his thigh will be raised from the hard ground. You should rest also."
"Thanks. And I will." John smiled at the Athosian who had become such a good friend. He felt lucky to have her on his team. Teyla's steady demeanor had a calming influence on the more anxious and hot-tempered members of his team. He looked over at Ronon Dex, who continued to guard their camp. Ronon nodded his head toward McKay, questioning silently how the most seriously injured member of their team was. John cocked his head to the side and smiled, the best he could provide in answer to his newest team member. Rodney needed him right then far more than Ronon needed any more explanation. John returned to the tent.
Rodney seemed to be resting well, considering the circumstances. Sheppard decided to finish prepping the inside of the tent before waking the tired and hurting physicist.
A few minutes later, John set his knee down next to McKay.
"Rodney?" Sheppard asked. McKay jerked awake from a light doze, a garbled 'hmph' coming from his lips. John was ready and steadied his friend so that he didn't jostle any of the already painful injuries from their crash landing.
"Sorry," Rodney said, waking quickly, followed immediately by, "thanks."
"That's okay. Lorne's going to be another two hours at least. Let's get you inside."
"You're tucking me in?" Rodney asked, a slight hint of humor in his tone.
John smiled as he helped McKay sit up. "You have a better offer?"
"I can't imagine," Rodney replied with surprising candor, and not a hint of sarcasm. He looked up into Sheppard's eyes, sincerity, friendship and trust evident to the colonel. But that wasn't all, was it?
John's eyebrows furrowed in playful questioning. "I think maybe we need to find you a girl." This was reconnaissance for Colonel John Sheppard. He needed to tread lightly here, be as stealthy as possible in this investigation, just in case he was mistaken in reading his friend. Unfortunately, his light chiding seemed to backfire.
Rodney stared longer into John's eyes. He nodded his head in resigned acceptance of what Sheppard's suggestion meant.
"Help me up," McKay stated flatly.
Sheppard frowned at the reaction, but did as he was told, carefully lifting his injured teammate and settling him on the makeshift bed. Rodney moaned and hissed at the expected moments, despite John's best efforts to cause the scientist no more pain.
"You okay?" John asked, noting the faint sweat that had developed on McKay's pale face during the move.
"Yes," he said, with not an ounce of emotion.
"Rodney?" John asked, leaning down to see his friend's face. The flashlight that Sheppard had placed up against McKay's thigh lit up the tent just enough for him to see the combined sadness and discouragement in the familiar countenance.
"McKay, did I say something to upset you?" Sheppard asked, knowing exactly what he had said and understanding for sure what had brought on this reaction. "I was kidding about the girl," he said sincerely, and with great hope if what he thought was going on here was true.
"No you weren't," Rodney answered in a resigned manner.
John took another close look. Wow. Or rather, shit. Was it possible that Rodney was…that he felt…
"Hey," Sheppard said as he lifted McKay's chin with his fingers. "I missed something important here, didn't I?"
Rodney closed his eyes and sighed. He was so tired. This was so not a good time to get into this, to discuss this for the first time. He should figure out a way to avoid this conversation. He was a smart guy. The smartest guy in two galaxies, in fact. He could do avoidance. All he had to do was pretend to fall asleep.
"McKay," John said firmly. He patted McKay's cheek even more firmly.
Crap.
"You are an extremely annoying man," Rodney said as he raised heavy eyelids.
"First I'm frustrating, then I'm annoying. Which one is it?"
"I'm sure that you know that it's both." Rodney looked John square in the eyes. He could do this. He had faced down Wraith, neutralized a scary black, cloud-like entity, survived a nanovirus and near-drowning, lived despite an armed and dangerous Aidan Ford on a now all-too-familiar high, and lasted through untold workouts with Teyla Emmagen, among other things.
He could do this.
"All right. Fine. I…" he started, closing his eyes again and rubbing his face with his unencumbered hand. "I have made a tactical error, in addition to my errors in judgment, and misjudging people." He thought through what Sam Carter had told him in the jumper…'bad with people'. Truer words were never spoken. Or hallucinated.
"I am a mess right now, both mentally and physically, so needless to say I am at a distinct disadvantage in this conversation. I trust you not to take advantage of that fact."
"I won't," John promised earnestly.
"Okay. Good. That's good. And don't think I don't know that I'm rambling and on the verge of blubbering, but you know how I get when I'm beyond tired."
"Rodney, you're usually pretty coherent until you pass out." McKay grinned slightly at Sheppard, appreciating the inherent compliment, though McKay continued to look nervous. John took Rodney's left hand in his own and said, "Take a breath, buddy. Calm down." Sheppard squeezed his friend's hand. "Just stop worrying about all that misjudging crap." John looked with concern at the worried man before him. "Just say it." Sheppard squeezed the hand tightly once again to assure his friend that everything would be all right, no matter what.
Rodney's eyes opened wide and he said quickly, "I think I've fallen in love with you."
John Sheppard had sensed that something like this was happening. Had hoped? They had shared moments before, special touches, catching one another staring unexpectedly, finishing each other's thoughts. For the longest time Sheppard had convinced himself that it was because they had built such a great friendship, that they would know what each would do in a given situation. The two had shared frightening, life or death moments together. Living through these events in the Pegasus galaxy was bound to deepen any bond.
Sheppard's reactions of late to the scientist clearly told another story. That wasn't really what had been going on after all. Yes, they were closer than brothers, but what did that mean?
Close like lovers.
Didn't that just beat all?
John Sheppard had been firmly huddled in his seat on the big ole denial bus for some time now, and he would never have given up that seat it seemed except for Rodney McKay proving once again that he was braver than most. Admitting what he felt about John Sheppard made Rodney McKay the braver of the two, at least that was how John Sheppard saw it. How small John felt in light of Rodney's openness, his honesty. His bravery.
John still held Rodney's hand. He smiled warmly at his cherished friend's scared expression. He moved from his position kneeled on one knee and sat next to McKay, facing the man who he now realized, or rather, the man that he finally allowed himself to realize meant far more to him than he should.
"This is complicated," John replied.
"No. No, it's not. At least it shouldn't be. It's not complicated for me." Rodney now felt prepared for this discussion. "It's scary for me. Not Wraith scary, or even Ronon scary. And that's because I know I have no choice, no control over this. Love isn't something I ever learned to expect in my life. And I can see by the way you are reacting that you feel something, too. You should know that this will be perceived by me as a tactical error on your part. Because I will now be all over you, I feel it's only fair to warn you."
To say that John Sheppard felt overwhelmed by Rodney's admission and intentions would be a monumental understatement. But that feeling couldn't possibly trump the excitement and the wonderment of how it felt to allow himself to feel these feelings for Rodney McKay. To not hold back or deny it any longer.
Denial was a stupid, stupid thing.
"I hate to disappoint you, McKay, but I think this is not going to be the conquest you were looking for." John leaned in close to Rodney, his mouth nearly touching McKay's. "Is that going to be a problem?"
The wide smile on the sore scientist's face said all that needed to be said. John put his lips to Rodney's and they kissed, warm and sweet, slow and curious. Rodney leaned over to make up more ground in exploring John Sheppard, but was stopped short by a sharp stab of pain in his neck.
"Ow, ow," he said, and pulled back gingerly from the kiss. "My neck," he added, consciously forcing his head not to move. John leaned away, looking worried, as the pain Rodney was feeling was obvious.
"Sorry, I forgot," Sheppard admitted.
"It's okay. Me, too," Rodney added, a little embarrassed that he'd gotten so carried away so readily. He squinted as he patiently waited for the pain to let up.
"I guess we shouldn't," John said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder toward the outside of the tent.
"No," Rodney agreed. "And I…hurt."
"Yeah," John frowned. "We should, um, revisit this back home."
"Yes. My timing sucks," Rodney said dejectedly.
"It's better than mine, McKay. I hate to think about how long I would have gone on not saying anything."
Rodney yawned and leaned back carefully into the relative comfort of his sleeping arrangement. "I wouldn't worry about that. I am an impatient man. I doubt it would have gone on much longer. I guess letting my guard down, however unintentionally, turned out to be a good thing this time."
"It worked for me," Sheppard agreed. He watched as Rodney's breathing deepened. Their talk had been pretty tiring for John; he could only imagine how exhausted Rodney must feel.
"Rest, Rodney," John ordered, leaning in for a quick kiss, making sure not to put pressure on any of McKay's injuries. Rodney opened his eyes in surprise at the kiss, and sighed happily as he returned to his sleepy state. "We'll be back in Atlantis before you know it and we can finish this," John added.
"You mean we can start this," Rodney said determinedly as he headed toward sleep.
"I stand corrected."
The End.