A funny one shot about Emmett and one of his daily antics. Varied POV. I hope you like it, and if it reaches excellence in reviews it may become a series. O This is after Bella becomes a vampire, luckily for her.

Edward and the Pirate

I watched my angel quietly. We were snuggled together on our big gold and black bed, and she was reading a Charles Dickens book she got from Jasper. They had opposing tastes, especially with regards to poetry.

I watched her eyes flicking quickly and steadily around her page, and her slow steady breathing was relaxing. We sat like that for a while, and I began to massage her head, twining my fingers through her hair. She sighed through her nose and shut her eyes. I smiled and kept going as she shut her book and relaxed into me. I shut my eyes and continued.

This is going to be good. Bella won't know what hit her... Emmett.

I snapped my head up towards the door anxiously. Emmett did not sound like he had thought whatever it was through. I watched the door, listening intently, as I waited for some sign that would clue me in on what he was planning. Bella looked up at me and I smiled grimly, showing anticipation in my face. She seemed to pick up on my concentration and settled for staring out the window, waiting.

I heard his thoughts again, but to no avail – he was chanting the French national anthem backwards in Korean. This seemed a little extreme for Emmett's brain capacity, but that wasn't worrying me as much as what must be going on behind the chant.

I jumped up from the bed and ran to the door, sticking my head out to search for Emmett.

I heard a massive crash and glass shattering behind me. I felt shards of glass bouncing off me as I whipped around.

Bella screamed, but not about the glass. A figure clutching a rope was in mid swing through our room, having just swung through our window, sporting a pirates cap and eye patch. At the peak of his swing, he grinned evilly and I saw a gold-capped tooth. He swung back down again and before Bella or I could react, he grabbed her around the waist and sailed back out the window with her. I bellowed in rage and ran to the window as she shrieked for me.

The massive figure, now identified as Emmett, threw my angel calmly from the rope at the top of the swing, and flipped daintily from the rope onto the roof, watching the events unfold.

Bella wailed as she plummeted the several stories to the ground. I leapt without a second thought from the window, and was in midair when she struck the ground with a sickening crunch. I watched her so closely that I barely noticed the ground flying up to hit me, hard. My face was buried (literally) in the ground before I even realised I had landed.



I stiffly wrenched myself from my imprint and staggered over to her. Her eyes were half open, but empty. Her body was splayed out and looked broken, though I knew she was intact; what with her vampire strength. I silently thanked the heavens that she was a regular, strong vampire, and her aversion to blood hadn't carried on into her undead life making her reluctant to drink, and therefore weak. I had given the matter a lot of thought.

I dropped to my knees beside her, patiently waiting for her to win her struggle with the shock of being dropped from the height of a building. Her eyes slowly moistened as she 'woke,' though it is impossible for her to sleep – she was just dazed. She looked at me and swallowed roughly, trying to speak. I helped her to sit up and she finally said, "Edward..."

"I'm here. You're fine," I tried to lighten the mood with a joke. "Good thing for vampire strength, huh?"

She smiled vaguely, and springing lithely to her feet, having 'woken' quickly, she looked around, apparently surprised to be out here. I stood up as well, suddenly remembering my would-be anger.

I snarled. My emotional capacity had been filled with shock and worry for my Bella's wellbeing, but now my fury broke through. I turned my head upwards very slowly, to stare at Emmett who was shaking with laughter up on the roof. Bella followed my gaze, and her eyes darkened marginally. Her own growl built up in her chest before tearing her lips open and escaping.

"I'm coming for you, Emmett," she said quietly, voice deadly and at a volume I might have used to speak from a metre away.

He heard her. He straightened abruptly and turned to flee. Bella suddenly wasn't by my side.

I turned instantly, just in time to see the back of her head disappear from our window, having just scaled the wall and gone back through the broken glass. I followed, prowling through my room. I would have been amused at my Bella's reaction if I wasn't busy plotting Emmett's second death.

SHIT! OW, OWW! STOP! Emmett's cries rang through my ears and my mind. Bella's fresh snarl tore at my ears alone, and I darted into the hall to see Emmett flat on his stomach with Bella straddling his back.

She had one hand twisted up in his hair, and the other gripping his chin and pulling it back further and further.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" she screeched in his ear. He whimpered at the noise, and she wrenched his head back further. He howled.

"Pardon?" snapped Bella. Emmett made a choked sound and Bella released his head to allow him to speak.

"I will never, ever drop you again," said Emmett in a tiny voice laced with fear. He, always the idiot, continued. "Jeez Squirt, of all the people beating me up about dropping you, I thought it would be Esme or Edward." Bella jabbed his head and sprang from his back, coiling herself for retaliation.



Emmett rose warily, and turned to see me glaring at him murderously. He raised his hands in defeat and thought at me. I've already been beaten up BAD by your wife; will you give me a break?? It was a joke, come on, man! He pleaded.

"No," I said curtly, and pounced.